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I just wanted to do a very quick post on the importance of self-care. A philosophy I live by is that one cannot pour from an empty cup; basically, you can't give of yourself when there's nothing to give.

I'm not going to go into all my negativity as of late - I've gone on about that enough. I'm taking steps to fix the problem though. One of those steps is to put more music into my life. I derive unexplainable joy from playing with an ensemble, and that's been missing for some time, save for a few pop-up gigs here and there to fill in for a small event. I reached out to a few local wind symphonies and concert bands about potentially finding a place for myself - I was offered one at a local 4-year college, so I jumped, not knowing what it would be like.

I had my first rehearsal and it was like breathing fresh air after being locked in stale air conditioning for years. Everyone was nice, the music was great, and it all clicked for me. I walked out into the ice cold air and I just felt total joy. I hurried home, came in, and tried not to word vomit all over B about how amazing it was - I waited til he brought it up. :)

But, my cup was finally full. I've spent a long time trying to fill the hole with other hobbies, but nothing did the trick. I felt like the only real sources of happiness were B and a few other people in my life, and that felt horrible to me because I just wanted to be joyful while alone - depending on someone else for happiness is draining for all involved. Everything becomes much more tolerable when you're not running on fumes - even my job, which has been playing on my nerves, seemed not so bad today. All from a couple hours of making music with some other people who also love music.

Just make some time for yourself - don't be a martyr.


[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

This is such valuable advice. Everyone has some activity that just makes their heart sing. Prioritizing that activity is not selfish, quite the opposite. I feel the way you describe when I pursue my own passion projects, and all it does is make me more interesting and desirable to my husband. Just like I want him to do the things he loves, he wants me to do the things I love, and when I do those things he is so much more proud of me, interested in what I'm doing, and just generally supportive. It also give him the time to do what he wants and makes him feel free to do what he likes without worrying that I'll just be sitting around on my hands.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It's a self-perpetuating cycle of good stuff, for sure!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Absolutely!

[–]BellaScarletta6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Well done WD <3 I've heard you discuss soooo many times your love of music and I couldn't be happier you found a place of fulfillment in your current area! I can only imagine how overjoyed your SO must be seeing you this happy (:

I can't wait to hear additional developments in this new niche you've carved out for yourself!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'll try not to update too much, because I definitely do talk about it a ton. Between music and my genealogy work, I will totally drone on for ages, haha.

[–]BellaScarletta1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Drone away darling! I love hearing it (:

[–]TamidMT30, male, monk mode, 'widowed' 2 years2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This really hits home for me. I've had this philosophy for a couple of years, and I'm over the moon to see it pay off for someone I don't even know. Well done on finding your wellspring!

But, my cup was finally full. I've spent a long time trying to fill the hole with other hobbies, but nothing did the trick. I felt like the only real sources of happiness were B and a few other people in my life, and that felt horrible to me because I just wanted to be joyful while alone - depending on someone else for happiness is draining for all involved.

Very well said. I think this is where I'm still stuck. Lady Tamid (not married, early months of friendship/vetting) played an enormous role in filling my cup — not because she was the source of my happiness, but because I was able to share the things that made me happy with her. She was a resource for me, not a source; she was the conduit for my shared and unshared interests to fill me. Since she died, I've opened up more and share my interests with more people, but at best they and those interests only add a few tablespoons to my drying cup.

If you don't mind, I have some questions for you:

  • would you call your band a source or a resource for filling your cup? Is it the music itself that fills your cup, or sharing the experience with your nice bandmates and B? Or all of the above?

  • were there other bands that you tried previously that didn't fill your cup? I see obvious parallels with your and my experiences, and I've had a frustrating number of events that didn't fill me up as I had hoped or expected.

  • How much did those "few pop-up gigs here and there to fill in for a small event" fill you up?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am so, so sorry to hear about Lady Tamid. I can't imagine losing my partner, regardless of the stage of the relationship. I would imagine filling your cup is a very important thing for you right now while trying to get through the grieving process.

would you call your band a source or a resource for filling your cup? Is it the music itself that fills your cup, or sharing the experience with your nice bandmates and B? Or all of the above?

All of it. I'm not an extremely social person (INTJ) but I thoroughly enjoy speaking with others who I have certain things in common with. Despite my introversion, the stage has always been my home between orchestra and ballet - I've just always been comfortable there. B is not musically-inclined, however he gets it - he saw how much I loved it before I moved up to be with him, and I'm certain he saw how not having it in my life was impacting me. The only part of it that we share is my excitement over it; and we both prefer it that way. Separate interests are extremely important to us both.

were there other bands that you tried previously that didn't fill your cup? I see obvious parallels with your and my experiences, and I've had a frustrating number of events that didn't fill me up as I had hoped or expected.

Oh yes. I actually participated in a flute choir a while back, but it was extremely unsatisfying. It was mostly hobbyists who weren't very passionate about music, and the music was not even remotely challenging or interesting. I gave it up pretty quickly - I derived no joy from it, which to me means that any time spent on it was wasted.

How much did those "few pop-up gigs here and there to fill in for a small event" fill you up?

Depended on the event, really. If it was something that I had a couple of rehearsals for, it was usually a little more fulfilling - like, say, pit orchestra for a musical. Going through hell week together is a bonding experience, whether you want it or not. I also really enjoy playing special Masses when I'm invited - Mass is special to me, so being a part of making it more beautiful and special for the parishioners makes me happy. Being asked to be background music at a party or event where no one is going to acknowledge me or tip me though ...while they bring in money, they're not the best. Weddings are also irritating to me - they bring in some of the best money, but some brides are nightmarish.

I hope this helps, feel free to ask me anything else.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I bet B was thrilled to see you happy and he was probably just as excited when you came home in that joyous mood.

This is awesome Dixie. I'm so happy for you. 😊 music is powerful stuff man.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

He was pretty happy - he totally gave me a "see I told you so" too. :)

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Almost like our men want us to have happy and fulfilling hobbies where we express our individuality ;)

R's eyes kinda glaze over when I talk about cemeteries and dates and census records - but he does like seeing me geek out about my hobbies. haha.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

R's eyes kinda glaze over when I talk about cemeteries and dates and census records

B too haha - he doesn't get why I care so much about dead people. I doubt either of them will be getting any HODAR pins. :) That's fine though, Destiny and Binding of Isaac don't exactly get my motor running, but I love seeing him happy about an interesting event in Destiny or hearing that he placed pretty high on the daily run in BoI.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can see R getting a HODAR pin - but when he's old, and retired, and bored out of his skull so he wants to do something and we have the time to volunteer more. :)

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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