I just wanted to do a very quick post on the importance of self-care. A philosophy I live by is that one cannot pour from an empty cup; basically, you can't give of yourself when there's nothing to give.
I'm not going to go into all my negativity as of late - I've gone on about that enough. I'm taking steps to fix the problem though. One of those steps is to put more music into my life. I derive unexplainable joy from playing with an ensemble, and that's been missing for some time, save for a few pop-up gigs here and there to fill in for a small event. I reached out to a few local wind symphonies and concert bands about potentially finding a place for myself - I was offered one at a local 4-year college, so I jumped, not knowing what it would be like.
I had my first rehearsal and it was like breathing fresh air after being locked in stale air conditioning for years. Everyone was nice, the music was great, and it all clicked for me. I walked out into the ice cold air and I just felt total joy. I hurried home, came in, and tried not to word vomit all over B about how amazing it was - I waited til he brought it up. :)
But, my cup was finally full. I've spent a long time trying to fill the hole with other hobbies, but nothing did the trick. I felt like the only real sources of happiness were B and a few other people in my life, and that felt horrible to me because I just wanted to be joyful while alone - depending on someone else for happiness is draining for all involved. Everything becomes much more tolerable when you're not running on fumes - even my job, which has been playing on my nerves, seemed not so bad today. All from a couple hours of making music with some other people who also love music.
Just make some time for yourself - don't be a martyr.
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