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17

The fight that never was (also known as "I'm a dumbass) (self.RedPillWives)

submitted by CoochQuarantine

This happened to me on Sunday y'all.

I just wanna say thank you to /u/Sunhappy_DC for knocking some sense into me in my weekly reflections.

Turns out my hamster is on overdrive. I apologized to my SO for something I did on Sunday night and was ready to drop it when he drops this bomb on me... "What are you talking about?" I thought my SO didn't say goodnight to me. He did. I thought he was ignoring me. He just didn't have an answer to what I needed to know. I thought he was mad at me. Turns out he is just equally as frustrated about the situation as I am but is 100% resolved and committed to fixing it with me. He just kinda hugged me and said "girl, I'm not easily manipulated". I thought "oh yeah!!! I knew that". hahahha Derp.

So ladies. Here is my lesson for you.

Sometimes you need to play Whack-A-Mole with your hamster!!!

Letting things build up in your relationship is never a good idea. However, how can you tell if you are harboring resentments? How can you tell what is something worth discussing or letting go? So I've come up with some simple ways to do that.

Am I resentful?

  • Do you find yourself consistently remembering something, even if there is nothing that should actually remind you of it directly?

  • Do you find yourself bringing up topics to someone you trust even if it is to say "I'm ok with it"?

  • Do you always say it to your SO as a "joke"?

Then you my dear, may be harboring a resentment.

Is it worth bringing up?

  • Is the topic something that is a deal breaker?

  • Is the topic life/death?

  • Is the topic harming your relationship over the long term?

If you answered 'yes' to any of these questions, then you should bring it up. If you answered 'no' to them, then STFU.

Possible outcomes

Some of the possible outcomes are as follows.

  • No resentments.. YAY

  • Resentment but don't need to bring it up.. Bring it to us. Bring it to the IRC. Write about it. Write out all the things you would want to say but don't say them.

  • Resentment but you do need to bring it up.. Bring it to us. Bring it to the IRC. Write about it. Write out all the things you would want to say and make sure that it is in a loving and respectful manner. Then speak to your SO about the problem. /u/maebol just had a great field report about bringing your captain your problem and not your solution.

Here is what I'm going to commit to do more.

  1. Take care of myself when I'm hungry/angry/lonely/tired. They are not my SO's issue to deal with.

  2. Make sure that I clarify things before I say that I am moving on... because that is where I get stuck (but what if he meant this or what did he mean by that?)

  3. Work on not being a martyr.

  4. Trusting my SO to handle shit.

In sum: This has been a great learning experience for me. I became complacent in a lot of the things i was doing and they snowballed fast. So learn from me and my mistakes :D

-CQ


[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I'm REALLY bad at the STFU method because I'm bad at processing internally, I like to talk something through with someone. So something R and I have been working on is that when this happens I have to start the conversation in a way that he will understand I'm just processing. "Babe, I'm mad that I'm mad at I need to say this before it boils up inside" and then he can set some time aside to let me talk. It's been helping because I am very emotional (ESFJ) and my emotions drive a lot of what I do. So while I continue to work on STUF I still have an outlet to talk to someone in a healthy way.

For example: Over thanksgiving we got some news from a family member that made me jealous. And I was more just mad at myself because jealousy is mean and nasty and so it spiraled into some self hate. So! I asked him first if he wanted to take the dog for a walk with me so I could remove myself from the situation and then from there I told him what I was dealing with and just word vomited a bit. It was hard because he's rational and wanted to "fix" and I'm like no-no, just word vomit please, let me fix this myself but walk with me while I talk.

It helps me a lot and he's becoming very supportive of this method. I think he's pretty supportive because he wants me to learn how to handle these situations by myself and so I have to keep practicing. I hope one day I wont have to do all the word vomit part and just be able to internalize the problem and sort myself out - but this is the step we're on.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I hope one day I wont have to do all the word vomit part and just be able to internalize the problem and sort myself out

me and you both!!! I'm glad you have found something that works for you and R :D

[–]mabeolMid 20s, LTR 1 year2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yay for having SOs who listen! I'm so glad that process is worked for you two!

Have you tried word-vomiting in a journal, either a physical notebook or just a Word document? I do this sometimes when I just need to work through something and there are no ears available. Sometimes you need an actual person, but sometimes just writing it out can help!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have tried it but I don't seem to do as well unless I have someone who can give me some active feedback. I think eventually I could get into journaling once i'm better at internalizing

[–]littleeggwyfEarly 30s, Married, 10 years total2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Such a good post, really, really helpful in setting out how to deal with resentments, I've definitely found the IRC great for letting some of these things out as well.

Glad you and SO sorted things out <3

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is really helpful. My problem with resentment is that I sometimes don't recognize it until it's too late. I think some of this comes from being a people pleaser and having to grow up very quickly. I'm used to just "sucking it up", so to speak, but in a relationship that's not a good thing if it breeds resentment. I'll definitely be using your Am I Resentful? questions, I'm so guilty of...all of them. Haha.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think the worst one is when you try to joke about it cause on some level you know you should be OK with it and want to be... but something is blocking that. That's why for me writing everything out can help me unravel shit. Cause halfway through I can realize... well this is dumb... or have an A-ha moment that will help me process it better.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I am glad to help :D But...

Resentment but you do need to bring it up.. Bring it to us. Bring it to the IRC. Write about it. Write out all the things you would want to say and make sure that it is in a loving and respectful manner. Then speak to your SO about the problem.

I think this is a mistake actually. Women have this unnecessary compulsion to share. overshare. discuss everything. not everything has to be discussed. even to your close girlfriends.

if you already decided that its not a dealbreaker. If you already thought about and understand that this is just your hamster talking....then get the fuck over it.

  • NO. Don't dwell on it in your head by asking long winded questions.
  • NO. Don't spend additional time on it wondering about various possible scenarios and outcomes.
  • NO. Don't go and relive the emotions from the fight by discussing it with like-minded women, close to you or not, just because you think they can provide you insight.

Stop thinking about it. Stop talking about it. Stop.

The fight isn't over just because two individuals in a relationship say sorry. The fight is over when you forgive and MOVE ON.

[–]tintedlipbalm1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Agreed 100% we do not need to write a dissertation of "all the things we would want to say", this just feeds into the tendency of overthinking.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Women have this unnecessary compulsion to share.

Exactly. It is a feminine trait to share and talk about things. But you're right. We don't need to talk about everything. That is why this is a category for stuff that DOES have to be discussed. I do think that there is that line between what to share with friends vs what you need to work out before you open your mouth about something. So I should have made that distinction.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

that's fair. we don't know 1) what you argued about and 2) what triggered the conversation becoming an argument.

we don't have to know. but i've found in 1+ year i've been here that most arguments are just women getting emotional because they don't want to decide if its really a dealbreaker they're trying to reconcile or taking control of the situation.

regardless, i'm glad you figured it out :D

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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