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So, this is a field report and also a reminder to myself to maybe do better in future! I think I see what I did wrong, but would really welcome suggestions as well.

This post kind of sums up what I will try to remember next time: https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/4daxez/the_stfu_method/

Yesterday was kind of a bad day - Hubs had to leave early for a work thing so I woke a bit earlier than i'd like, then I took my daughter to a toy shop to buy presents for her cousin and she was helpful for a 4yo, but it wasn't as quick as I'd like it. Then we went to my MIL's house for her regular playdate and MIL was kind of snappy, maybe because we were a little late or maybe because she didn't like the toy choices, I don't really know, normally we get on OK. I went home to get chores done, a little bit irritated but trying to keep focus.

I get home and one of the jobs I wanted to do was a little bit of painting of our rabbit hutch to save hubs a job. I'd asked which paint was right, and hubs had said it was safe for rabbits. I thought i'd check so I tipped the tub to read the side. In our kitchen. And the lid wasn't secure. About a cup of wood stain splashes all down the cupboard and fridge, and onto the new wood floor :(

So I spend over an hour or so cleaning this up, and am completely fed up. I do the painting, I change my clothes, I get the other chores done, and feel so rubbish I just flop onto the sofa in a grump, about 5pm. Shortly after which, Husband comes home early!

Normally he's home like 6:30-7, and I'd be overjoyed to have him home early (especially with daughter not back til 7), but today I am all the grumpiness and in my big hoodie and just having settled with the laptop on me. So I'm all, "urg today sucked so bad" and just unload on him and don't get up for a hug or anything, cos I kinda resented that trying to help him had made my day worse. He does the "uh huh, yes, ok, ah that sucks" listening thing whilst I vent and goes to get himself some food (he missed lunch because he was on trains or in meetings). He sits next to me and I grump for a bit then finally ask him how his day went.

It turns out his day went awesome, and he'd worked out some cool engineering-model-thingy, got lots of credit and even got me a gift from a really nice chocolate shop on the way back from head office to celebrate. If I'd not been crabby I would have got all the hugs and ace chocolates and his enthusiasm would have made me all loving and happy, and we'd have had time to ourselves as well. As it was, I did get some of that, but because I'd prioritised moaning it was a bit less than it could have been.

So yeah. Next time i have a crappy day I will try to put him first and see what happens and not vent straight away, because most of the stuff that bugged me wasn't important (and I should have asked if he wanted a drink or food, not sat there like a lump!)


[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Next time i have a crappy day I will try to put him first

Think about it differently. There are three people in the room, you , him , and your relationship.

When you are together, you can start off by sharing something positive with him. Even if " my day sucked, but now that you are here, I feel better"

You will be surprised at home well this works.

[–]littleeggwyfEarly 30s, Married, 10 years total[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Good idea! and really that's what I wanted to say when i unloaded, it was a relief to see him because I felt sad and he makes me feel good. I will try to do that, cos i think it would have kept my perspective better.

Normally I'm really cheery in greeting him home, but i want to be more controlled when i feel frazzled i think!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

when you "victim puke" all over your man, all he hears ( most guys), is "here are issues I want you to fix", even if you want anything but that.

better to actually tell him what you want :

"distract me from this day"

[–]littleeggwyfEarly 30s, Married, 10 years total[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ha ha, yes, I know what you mean. TBH he is normally great at making me feel better if a day has been horrible, but yesterday me being hostile messed that up a bit!

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I think it's great that you realized your mistake and you're determined to do better in the future. When things go sideways it can be difficult to not get into a cloudy mindset. Don't pass up opportunities to welcome happiness. Being content and keeping a clear, peaceful mindset takes practice and effort. The more you do it, the easier it becomes, and I absolutely believe that happiness is a skill that we either nurture or undercut.

You still managed to get the rabbit hutch taken care of, one less thing for your H to do. You also bought some toys for the playdate and you didn't have to worry about the little one for a while. You H had an amazing day. It's easy to get lost in the details, but really - you had a successful day. You accomplished everything you set out to do (so what if it didn't happen on the exact timeline you were expecting, or if there were some ((literal)) spill along the way?) ---> You ACCOMPLISHED a lot of things.

The next time you feel bogged down by the bumps, take a step back and look at the bigger picture. :0) Be patient with yourself. Remember, seeing a loved one should prompt a response of joy, not symbolize an opportunity to immediately start grousing. You can control your outlook, temperament, and how you start interactions with others. Let your presence be one that enhances joy, and takes things calmly in stride.

All the best to you!

[–]littleeggwyfEarly 30s, Married, 10 years total[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Thankyou, I am really trying to show how happy he makes me, and controlling my outlook and mood a bit is something I want to learn to do more. I do feel happy when he walks through the door, and I want him to know that <3

When I first wrote my post I nearly put "this is really unlike me but..." But I don't want to make excuses, I want to avoid it next time!

Welcoming happiness is a lovely way to put it, and I will remember what you say. :)

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It sounds like you are very aware of your actions and moods - that's a fantastic sign. You don't make excuses and you're honest about your conduct. You seem to have a good head and I'm sure you'll take this lesson and move forward with renewed determination and energy.

Keep up the good work.

[–]littleeggwyfEarly 30s, Married, 10 years total[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thankyou, that is so kind, I will definitely keep trying and learning x

[–]liberamentis1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you for this field report! I've definitely seen myself get in those funks around 5pm after particularly hard days and it's easy to forget to ask about your husband's life in those moments. This was a really good reminder.

[–]littleeggwyfEarly 30s, Married, 10 years total[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm glad you found it helpful :)

It's not always easy to be light and fun when you're tired, but coming home should be like a high point of the day for hubs and managing a cuddle and getting him a drink is not hard work!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

My spouse often downloads her bad day onto me. Some kind of weird thing, where she feels better if I obtain the same emotional state she is in. She's already pissy, so naturally I figure she can't get 'more pissy' so I start with poking the bear.

while it would be nice if she simply said 'This isn't a good day for me, give me a few hours' I've found that just removing my attention and presence for a few hours is how it usually goes down, if she doesn't calm down after some games.

Not sure if there's value for you in this, it's here. Doing these things for me often won't make me feel better, so much as it gives her the ben franklin effect, and makes her feel better

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Mini-venting windows are acceptable in my relationship so long as two things happen:

  1. Venting is meant to release irritation etc. As long as the venting is brief and doesn't escalate my moodiness then it's fine.

  2. As long as I'm happy/productive after venting a bit - then it's a useful and beneficial activity.

Occam recognizes that venting can alleviate stress (as long as the woman doesn't spiral out of control or continue moping for a prolonged period of time afterwards). It actually expedites my transition back into a normal/happy state.

It's a tricky thing, and can easily go wrong. Venting can lead into an even more sour attitude and general grumpiness. As long as the snowball effect can be circumvented, venting is one of those behaviors that just about all women partake in to some degree. Not that men don't vent or get frustrated, I just don't know men that seek out their SO/spouse for the specific intention to vent.

[–]littleeggwyfEarly 30s, Married, 10 years total[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks, I don't do it often, and if I'd had more time to relax I think maybe I wouldn't have done it, but I know it isn't a nice way to greet my husband.

He normally just hugs me with my head under his chin when I've had a bad day, and I feel loads better, but this time I let a bad mood stop me feeling better, it was just silly :(

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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