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Topping From The Bottom (self.RedPillWives)

submitted by Irisandoleander

We in RPW take a lot of our direction from our husbands, and many of us (but not all!) are in Captain/First Mate relationships. So this means we defer to our husband on critical decisions. It does not mean we are incapable of making decisions. I mean - I actually pick my own clothes out on a regular basis - he gives me a lot of freedom ;)

It has been stressed in RPW about how to vet a potential LTR - so you can read that post to learn more but it's important to remember that the man you are married to YOU PICKED. You picked him because (hopefully) you like him, you respect him, and you trust that he is not going to intentionally take your relationship in the wrong direction.

There are times when it may feel like he is not leading - and perhaps that is what brought you to RPW in the first place, because you felt you were doing something to crush his leadership skills. We are a group of pretty awesome women, who know what we want in life and often go after. The one thing you do not want to do is get sucked into topping from the bottom.

Topping from the bottom is a phrase I've seen used on a regular basis in the RPW community and I'd love to talk about it. If you were to google it the phrase is used in the BDSM (D/s) community but I'm not necessarily speaking sexually about it. TFTB means "The person on the bottom is leading the top".

RPW is not a one size fits all fix. Nor is it even guaranteed to fix anything in your relationship. The focus is to help you grow to be the best women you can be. But the truth is, you can improve and work on your grooming, attitude, physical fitness, and you still may not have this alpha male leader you have dreamed we would mold your husband into. We're not here to fix our husbands. We're here to fix ourselves.

Here are some examples:

"Babe, what would you like for dinner" "I don't care" RPW HE WONT LEAD WHAT DO I DO?"!?!?!

I'm running every day, I've lost 30 pounds, he still eats junk food and he won't come on runs with me... HOW DO I GET HIM TO LOSE WEIGHT?!??

Let's share some small stories of slip ups and successes where we topped from the bottom - How did you improve your own way of thinking in order to create a more harmonious relationship.


[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you to /u/whistling_dixie for helping me prep this piece.

The two examples are mine(ish) - so I'll share my story today as well :)

Edit - so this is mine - this is a comment I made on my old RPW account that sometimes I have to reread to myself because I am someone who catches herself topping from the bottom.

when I first started reading RPW I got really hung up on "what do you want for dinner - why wont YOU pick" My husband just doesn't like picking dinner. He has other things on his mind. Why should he spend the time and energy picking out a menu, that's my job. Do you know what foods he likes? Do you know what foods he dislikes? Great - you know enough to handle dinner yourself. If he makes a suggestion then you comply to the best of your abilities.

how can I gently encourage him to be more alpha, less beta and more proactive about his health (he's a smoker who needs to exercise - not overweight but needs to move - not criticism, just concerned)

You don't - You support him if he starts to make the change, but you don't push him. Get yourself into a good routine FIRST. Does he express the want to quit smoking, does he express the want to lose weight? If he doesn't any supportive push will come across as nagging. Now, if he does express the want to quit smoking/lose weight then you just have to ask him to join you in a nightly walk after dinner, shop healthier, cook healthier. Smoking, from what I understand, is one of the hardest addictions to quit. So you have to let him do it at his pace - if he even wants to.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

haha. well..... just a couple of hours ago. I was browsing on amazon as I always do for random shit I need. and that is how I buy his coconut flavoring for coffee. But I thought... I should buy him this 6 pack of flavoring that isn't coconut because he will probably like to try different ones... this is after months of him telling me that once he finds something he likes to keep at it until he gets sick of it but it usually takes a while to get sick of something. So I was thinking... well he hasn't said anything about getting sick of the coconut. And well the 6 pack is totally a bargain. I know he will be ever grateful of my suggesting he try something new... EEEEHHHH WRONG. Before I purchased it I thought about imposing my will on what he eats. So I didn't get it. But holy shit the hamster was strong on that one. I know it is small but even those little jabs at trying to control come out of nowhere sometimes.

[–]Lin3330 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

had this same one when my SO was drinking coke ..at least he took the liberty to get a coke zero lol

[–]am3liia4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can't think of specific examples, but I'm sure I've done this in the past! I think the key phrase is "get him" - if it's done in an effort to change his behavior, it's topping from the bottom.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

"Oh, did you want to go this way?" I immediately called myself out on it and apologized. He thought the whole thing was hilarious.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

OH! don't you hate when you just kinda spit out a sentance and it's way worse once you say it? Ugh, I kick myself when I do that

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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