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I thought I had posted this here at Red Pill Wives awhile ago. Someone asked what this looks like and when I looked for it, it wasn't here. So, this is a repost from several months ago from the old sub. I hope it helps!

I bought the book Queen of the Home compiled by Jennifer M. McBride a while back and in it was this beautiful play called When Queens Ride By by Olive White Fortenbacher (Which she adapted from the short story of the same name by Agnes Slight Turnbull). I was thinking about this play today while driving around and wanted to share it with you It's not terribly long, so if you have the time, it's well worth reading in it's entirety.

The basis of the play is a young couple who have taken on a farm. In her quest to help her husband and her family, Jenny Mangrave had taken on more of the responsibilities of the farm and had little to no time for their home or children. She then meets a stange woman, who in her older age has a youthful beauty about her. In their talking, the stranger relays this story:

Just after we were married, my husband decided to have his own business, so he started a very tiny one. I helped my husband in the store, but we would both be tired and discouraged after a hard day at the office and we didn't seem to be having any great success. The house got run down and dinner was always a hasty affair, and soon we both started complaining and bickering with each other. Finally, we decided that maybe I should stay at home and let him take care of his work at the office as best he could. And then I worked in my house to make it a clean, shining, happy place. My husband would come home dead-tired and discouraged, ready to give up the whole thing. But after he had eaten and sat in our bright little living room, and I had told him all the funny things I could invent about my day, I could see him change. By bedtime, he had his courage back, and by morning, he was all ready to go out and fight again. And at last he won.

Jenny, at first frustrated by the advice to help her own family, decides to try this and attacks it with zeal. The difference it makes in their life along with the promise of beauty is wonderful. Not necessarily just her beauty, but the beauty of their potential together.

This wonderful play got me thinking of the concept we often talk about in our Men being our Rock. He is there for us to cling to; to hold tight to when we need him to hold us steady. When we feel frightened, anxious, angry, we can turn to him to calm the storm. But what is the corollary to this? What can we do for our men to support and be there for them that can possibly show how much him being our Rock means to us?

What many of us will try to do is take on his load. We will try to make the money, pay the bills, put our backs up to the world and be strong and independent, even when we're married. We'll do this while still wanting our husbands to be that Rock and clinging to him through the storm. We are convinced that our strength and independence will help him weather it, as well. But, that's not how it works. A Rock cannot cling to another Rock to steady himself. He cannot grab onto another solid surface to find relief. The stress of the day just bounces off of that hard surface and back onto him. There is no place for it to go, so it simply continues to grow. Our husbands and our Men do not need their own Rock in us to cling to, they need a soft place to lie their heads. They need a place they can go to and let the stress melt away. That is the corollary to our husbands Rock. A soft place to land. A place where they can just be and enjoy the beauty and peace around them. They then have the strength and energy to be our Rock and to face the world again and again and again.

This is so very hard for us to see today. We are encouraged to be strong, but that so often turns into being abrasive. We think we are helping by nagging, by demanding, by saying our way is the way it must be done. We become hard (and often brittle) and when our husbands need a place to let their stress dissipate, we only give them a hard surface for it to bounce back onto them.

To let go and to see that we aren't being the help he needs can be very hard to see. It feels passive to us; almost as if we aren't doing much of anything. But that's simply not true. To have a space to let the day go, to let it dissipate into nothing and have a soft spot to land and recharge is a wonderful and necessary thing. Don't discount what you are doing as nothing or unnecessary. Him having a soft and beautiful spot to land is just as important as him being your Rock to cling to in a storm.

Side Note: This is not to say that wives should not help as they can whenever necessary. My point is that men don't need more hardness to help them through their day.

Excerpt from When Queens Ride By, Olive White Fortenbacher. Published 1932.

Adapted from When Queens Ride By, by Agnes Slight Turnbull. Published 1888.


[–]Trauma_Burn_RNEarly 20s / Married 1.5 yr / Together 36 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I tried this in ernest the other day. I wake up at 5 am, and work in cardiac surgery, and I work long, stressful days. I got off work after a longer than average day, and came home to a messy, dark home.

I didn't want to do anything, I wanted to be taken care of. But I got my ass moving and cleaned the whole house, did all the dishes, and made sure some dinner was ready. He came home after 14 hours at work, and I refrained from nagging or bitching or immediately complaining about my day, and instead just let him have a smoke and a drink in peace.

I never did get to tell him about my day, but I did get a long hug and a, "You are the best thing that ever happened to me." My husband is not a lovey-dovey, warm-fuzzy kind of guy, so that was really special.

All that to say that was hard and I didn't want to do it, and I won't want to do it next time... but you guys are right.

Today when I woke up, he had water on boil for me tea, and later he brought me a pretty leaf from the woods because he thought I would like it. These little things are his way of saying that he appreciates me and is thinking about me, and they tend to happen more when I strive to make a happy home for him :)

[–]StingrayVC[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I love this.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

My point is that men don't need more hardness to help them through their day.

I freakin love this! Thank you for reposting it :D

[–]StingrayVC[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you!

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

But what if that older woman had been needed at the store? What if she didn't have the option of quitting the store, because her husband needed her help? And what if Jenny had no choice but to juggle the farmwork with home and children? It's tough being a soft place to land when you yourself are overworked. I'm not trying to be cantankerous. I'm curious what you think.

[–]StingrayVC[S] 2 points3 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

It's all about one's goals. While Jenny was at the farm and the older woman at the store, their goals, their minds, their demeanor, was not on support of their husband. Yes, they were there to help. But they were there to get a job done and that is where their focused was and it was beating them down.

If these women had to be at the store or work on the farm, first, there are always ways to finagle work responsibilities around to make it easier for either of them to get home and make it a place of refuge. It might not be easy, but it CAN be done. Second, it's all about where one's mind has it's focus. The focus can be, I will work at the store today to support my husband, to make things easier for him. I will be happy and light, I will be loving and supportive and I will make our time there together as supportive for him as I can. Then I will go home and I will do my best to make it a refuge and a place for him to regather his strength at the end of the day.

Alternatively, one can be working at the store and think, I have to get this done and this! When those are finished I must do X, Y, and Z! Then more, more, more!

Both of these scenarios help the husband at the store, but which one is a support? Which one actually makes his life easier and then want to sink into his wife and BE with her at the end of the day? Also, which one is far better for the wife's own peace of mind?

I'll tell you, it's not easy. I'm a SAHM and I struggle to achieve the first and get away from the second everyday. But it is possible, no matter where one must be, to be the first and have a husband who comes home and recharges for battle every day.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

I understand. This is not easy, I agree. Option 2 has a lot more ego gratification than option one. Option one is beautiful. But how do you manage without those ego boosts?

[–]StingrayVC[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy Link

Option 2 has a lot more ego gratification than option one.

OK. Why? Or, what are the ego boosts that you get from one?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Well, I suppose feeling busy and important is an ego boost. And tackling a tough job, seeing it through. I don't know about anyone else but when I feel really overworked, like at times when I've had to be a mother and also work outside the home, I deal with it by amping myself up. It's almost like a sugar high. It is not a soft feeling. I don't know if this is clear.

I don't see any ego boosts from option 1. Of course it is more beautiful and admirable.

[–]StingrayVC[S] 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I see. With option one, you are still completing all the tasks that need to be completed, only you aren't focused on each task itself. Your focus is to be his support. So not only are you accomplishing everything you set out to accomplish, but you also meet the higher goal of being that soft place. It's actually a higher and more difficult goal, so when it is met, the sense of accomplishment is even higher.

However, this is absolutely nothing compared to hearing your husband grunt because the meal you put in front of him is so good (trust me when I say the grunt is far more satisfying than a word, because it's involuntary. There's no faking it). Or when your husband looks at you and says, "I couldn't wait to get home to you today," or he looks around and then into your eyes and says, "Thank you" so sincerely that you know he means it from the bottom of his heart. There are so many other ego boosts that a man will give you if you just keep your eye out for them. They will be big and small, just maybe not in the way you might expect them and they are so much more rewarding than anything that option 2 offers. I have only my word to give you on this, but it makes option one shallow in comparison.

The key here, is that you do this for your husband, not because you want to receive the ego boost. You might not get that boost as often, but it is far more powerful and so incredibly worth it.

Now, having said all of this, over time when you get used to option one, it has it's own ego boosts and huge senses of accomplishment. You just have to continue to change your focus to see them.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is lovely. Thanks.

[–]sthuttonEarly 30s | Married 9 years, 11 years total0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Perfect. <3

Also, do you feel like sharing the meal/recipe that makes your husband grunt?

[–]StingrayVC[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Chicken pot pie. I just put in in one large casserole pan and top it with puff pastry.

Chicken Spaghetti Casserole

White mac and cheese I make this more kid friendly by switching the amounts of fontina and mozzarella. I also use penne pasta rather than egg noodles.

Pot roast: stick a chuck roast in the crock pot with beef broth, tomato past, salt, thyme and garlic powder. For left overs, slice it up on good bread (I make sourdough bread and it's perfect) with some cheese, BBQ sauce, and mayo and really listen to the grunts.

I'm part Italian so every Sunday we have homemade sauce, meat balls and stromboli.

My husband is pretty easy to please. His mom never really cooked and I grew up with all homemade cooking. We usually have these heavy meals on Saturdays (except the spaghetti) because he's not a big eater and he will just eat dinner. So I make comfort food Saturday nights because by dinner time he's famished.

[–]sthuttonEarly 30s | Married 9 years, 11 years total0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you!!! So excited to try these! How I have never put puff pastry on pot pie is beyond me.

It's funny you mention chicken spaghetti - my mom makes THE BEST chicken spaghetti, so I asked her for the recipe a long time ago before I was very versed in the kitchen. She puts Velveeta cheese in hers, and her recipe said "the small one". So I'm at the grocery store, see the Velveeta, grab the smallest one there and think nothing of it. I'm making it later and the cheese is just completely overwhelming everything as I'm stirring it in, and hubby is looking at it like ummmmm what are you making??? I told my mom what a disaster it was and how it was basically the thickest, cheesiest mac n cheese of my life. Turns out the smallest block I could find was the 1 lb brick...her "small one" was the 4 or 8 oz. one! I've yet to convince hubby to try chicken spaghetti again, hahahaha.

[–]StingrayVC[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's hilarious! I just popped my chicken spaghetti in the oven for dinner tonight. My husband asked what we were having and got a pure caveman look on his face when I told him. It was awesome.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwig0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think it's also a matter of if you can leave your work worries at work and not bring them home. It's like someone mentioned in another thread regarding friends - some friends you confide in, some friends you go out with, some friends you rant to. You don't have to treat your partner like a girlfriend you rant to about stress, he's there for a different reason and you're there for him not to be a work colleague but a safe haven.

[–]mabeolMid 20s, LTR 1 year2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I read this yesterday and made it my goal to embody it last night with my SO. Mini FR!

He had a super stressful week at work, and I invited him over for dinner. I gave him a few choices for supper (which he likes - his "food mood" often changes!) and wound up making this chili for him, along with some garlic biscuits. I timed it so that the biscuits would be coming out of the oven when he arrived, plus gave myself a few minutes to put on a dress and tidy up my place. I don't always don't take the time to do that but I wanted everything to feel bright and soft and do the whole nine yards!

I actually ran to greet him and gave him a super long snuggly hug and lots of smooches (which he loves), then tried to plunk him down so I could bring him his supper, but he got up and came into the kitchen with me because he was PUMPED about the biscuits that he wanted to see them come out of the oven. It was adorable.

While we were eating, he was telling me about his crazy work week, and instead of constantly being like, "Me too!" and telling my own story or giving advice (my usual solipsism), I just... listened. And smiled. And asked questions. And it was just like the example above: As he ate and got it all out, he perked up and smiled more. It was so wonderful to watch!

Once we were done (and he gushed even more over the food, cue me blushing), I asked him what he wanted to do next, since I really wanted it to be about his relaxation. He got this kind of sheepish smile and said, "I want to lay in your lap." And so he did. He plunked his head in my lap and we just relaxed. It was so nice and cuddly and he was so happy. Dude is a cuddle monster.

This stuff works. I ended the night with a happy, relaxed SO who was full of thank-yous for dinner and cuddle time and covered me with kisses when he left. Softness is kissable! :) thanks for this beautiful lesson. One night of testing and I am 109% convinced.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwig0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yes to the cuddling! It used to always be me trying to cuddle with my man until lately he's been pulling me towards him and laying his head in my lap. He's also been wanting to be the little spoon too!

[–]mabeolMid 20s, LTR 1 year0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

So cute! I get so much physical affection in my daily life from friends (hugs, playing with each other's hair, fixing each other's jewelry) that I forget the fact that he can go days without touching another human being. It's amazing when you realize just how powerful your cuddles are for your man!

I also like giving my SO massages. Sometimes I'll just announce to him, "I'm giving you a massage when you come over later." I've yet to be refused :) I actually have a massage book that I reference, light yummy-smelling candles, use massage oil (or a massage candle), put down clean towels, the whole nine. He loves it!

[–]vanBeethovenLudwig2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is excellent, I've been noticing the more serious my boyfriend and I get, the more he comes to my apartment to eat a home cooked meal and relax quietly in front of the TV. He works 60 hour weeks, is constantly running around during the day and living with four other men in a dirty apartment, it's understandable why he needs some space away from the world.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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