Well ladies, I’ve gone and done it. I’ve spoiled my man. I’ve ruined everything. Now he has expectations of me. He doesn’t acknowledge when I do nice things for him because I do them all the time. He has stopped appreciating me at every single turn and bowing before my greatness AND MY AWESOME GIRLFRIEND POWERS… ok. Let me stop before I start laughing out loud and the people around me start to think I’m crazy.

Seriously though. /u/LittleKnownFacts quite eloquently said this:

It should be routine to do something special for him, to treat him, and to show him affection! That should be the everyday standard! To withhold those things because you fear they will become mundane will mean you are letting your relationship tarnish just so you can pretend to shine it later. Why let you marriage sink to that place when you can protect it from ever getting there?

This blew my mind and has inspired me to create this post. A recent exchange with a girlfriend of mine is also fueling this (I promise to get to the meat of the post in a sec).

(m)=me (f)=friend

M:when my so and I started going out it took me a while to figure out that he doesn't really like to eat leftovers. now I realize I need to cook a bit more than I thought I did

F: well he better cook too if he isn't going to eat left overs

M: ummm... no. I like cooking for him it bring me happiness to have him eat something I made.

F: Well he better appreciate it.

M: hehe. Not even. I'm sure he enjoys it but I don't think he even realizes that I'm doing it for him as much as I do because I want to make him happy. I think he just sees me cooking and accepts it as fact that I am cooking most nights.

F: well that sucks!

M: It does not suck. I'm happy my SO is happy. What is there in that equation that sucks??

F: I dunno. hamster hamster hamster.....

Now I can see where my friend is coming from. It is a bit misguided though. The response LKF’s was giving was in response to someone who also was a bit misguided. Where is this coming from?

APPRECIATION MODE ACTIVATE

Isn’t that all we really want? Someone to acknowledge us? Someone to say “yes, what you did was good and I appreciate it”?. Someone who doesn’t take for granted what we do? Obviously! However, the standard you set for yourself should be so damn high, that the things you do where they show appreciation should be out of this world. You cannot expect to be lauded for the BARE MINIMUM effort you put into the relationship. You cannot expect to be told you are appreciated at every single nice act of kindness you do.

Let me backtrack for a second here.

What exactly is appreciation? HEHE Y’all know my affinity for definitions so let’s start with that.

• ap·pre·ci·a·tion əˌprēSHēˈāSH(ə)n noun: the recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something

Nowhere in the definition does it say that that appreciation needs to be verbally expressed. Fundamentally, we expect that if someone is going to appreciate something, they need to say it. I don’t actually believe that. Insert cheesy quote “Actions Speak Louder Than Words”. Doing something for your SO should be done because you want to do something for your SO. Simply put. Doing it intermittently as a way to manipulate them into seeing it as a treat, is not only abusive, it is downright fucked up. We set the bar in our relationship and need to keep meeting it and/or exceeding it on a daily basis. Here is an example from my very own life.

I’ve said it before. I make my man his lunch. 4-5 times a week. I get up at 5:30 am. Make his lunch. Send him off. Get ready for work. Admittedly, I don’t HAVE to do this. My man wouldn’t love me less if I didn’t. He wouldn’t love me less if I only did it sometimes. I CHOOSE to do this. The first week it happened, he said it was the most thoughtful act of kindness to him. (Read 5 languages of love!! Game changer right there!!) As time went on, the luster of that act wore out. Now he requests stuff to be put in there. Now he tells me when whatever I gave him wasn’t good and not to repeat it. Now he even sometimes doesn’t even eat it for XYZ reason. All things that he wouldn’t have dreamed of doing that very first week I did it. He woulda ate a shit sandwich that first week because he wanted to demonstrate his appreciation to me (well not really but you get my point!). Now, it’s a thing I do. Another act. Another day. Another lunch. AND THIS HASN’T BEEN HAPPENING FOR YEARS. So why do I keep doing it? Why is it that this act of love isn’t being shown more appreciation? It is because it is now my everyday love act. This is the bar I set for myself. This is the bar I need to exceed in order to receive kudos and accolades in my relationship. I could very well have only done it sparingly. I could very well not do it at all. However, this is how much love I have for this man. I want to do something for him even if it means it becomes routine because I know I can beat that level of love. I know I have more love to give than just a bagged lunch. I know I have more love than buying his favorite candy at the store. I know I have more love than watching his favorite movies most nights.

So back to the original argument here. What is appreciation really? Is it words? Or is it demonstrations that he is yours every day?

In sum, set the bar high and expect that to become the standard. Show your love all the time and expect that to be the norm. Live your love!