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I just wanted to give a quick field report about something that has been going on with me. It's more of a negative then a positive update, but I still wanted to share it because I felt that it was interesting.

For background we have one young child and we run our own business, which I am only involved with part time. About a month ago our child moved up a level education wise, which means that he is out of the house for longer periods and in theory I have a lot more free time in the day.

The first week of this changed schedule was 4 weeks ago, and I decided to spend my first few days out of the house. To my annoyance (stay with me here, I know I was wrong) my husband kept calling me home in the middle of the day asking me to do work related things that I felt could have waited. I was seething internally about this and felt that he was being insensitive to my needs for space and my need to adjust to this change in my life. I didn't say anything however.

So a few weeks passed and we are now into the fourth week. I decided I was going out and I told my husband. He was perfectly nice to me about it and didn't make any comments about me going out and showed no interest. I walked down the street and found myself complaining to myself about his attitude, telling myself that he didn't show any interest in what I was doing, that he didn't care where I was going and other negative things like that.

I almost started laughing when I caught myself in what I was doing. Not only were both of my thought processes completely unfair to him as he was totally justified in his actions both times, they were also completely contradictory. I'd set him up in my mind in a situation in which it was impossible for him to win!

I spent the morning thinking about it and I realised that the reason I was in such a weird state of mind was because I wasn't coping well with the change in our schedule and I was looking for other things to blame this on, rather then looking at myself and my own part in it.

Now luckily I'd kept these thoughts to myself, partly because I was out of the house when they occurred each time, so I didn't take my bad mood out on him.

It made me stop and realise that sometimes the things that he 'does' that annoy me sometimes aren't things that he does at all, they are just dramas that I create in my own mind in order to deal with what is going on in my life or just because my mind is a bit of a cesspit.

So I just wanted to share that reflection with you all. I hope it made sense.


[–]BellaScarletta4 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Great reflection - It's a lot harder to share areas we've failed rather than Field Reports espousing how wonderfully we are doing, but honestly I think we learn more from the former.

That hamstering you're describing is so easy to appear in situations big and small.

I get home to a sink full of dishes when I cleaned everything that morning? After a minute I realize "hey, he hasn't been home doing nothing all day", but my initial reaction is sometimes based on that false thinking.

I think 80/20 is a great goal to strive for - with anything. Whether you are trying to treat your partner graciously or just exercising and eating better, it's impossible to be perfect 100% of the time. If 80% of the time you can be proud of your perspective and decisions (and 20% of the time you're learning from mistakes), that's a very human win to me.

Thank you for this (:

[–]Camille113252 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Great reflection - It's a lot harder to share areas we've failed rather than Field Reports espousing how wonderfully we are doing, but honestly I think we learn more from the former.

Agreed it's really interesting to see what other women are struggling with and a bit comforting to know that others are learning lessons just like you, every day.

[–]BellaScarletta0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Haha shush you, in my imagination you are never messing up...just petting your taxodermied squirrels compulsively d:

[–]Camille113250 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

LOL I literally just did a spit take!

[–]BellaScarletta0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Lollll I'm getting on IRC I hope you're there

[–]Camille113250 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

<3

[–]lrne[🍰] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thanks for sharing! I'm guilty of being wrongfully annoyed at my SO sometimes. Usually, I'm not able to hide my annoyance and he'll pick up on it and bring it up/ask me what's up, and what we usually end up concluding is that I was wrongfully annoyed because of a miscommunication on MY part.

Here's an example: this past month we just moved out of the city, so now we have a backyard and a grill and are able to BBQ stuff. He's been grilling a lot, and when he preps the food for grilling, he sometimes leaves spills some oil on the side of the oil bottle or accidentally spills some sauce on the kitchen counter. I'm pretty meticulous about keeping the kitchen clean, but since the oil he uses is colorless, I didn't notice that there was oil on the side of the oil bottle and the counter until later. l got annoyed and silently thought to myself how inconsiderate he is to leave a mess, and my silent annoyance permeated into my interaction with him. He's very aware of these things, so he picked up on it and asked me what was wrong. I told him, and well, it turned out to be the case that he didn't know! Of course he didn't - he's very considerate and if he knew, he wouldn't have left that mess there or he would've been more careful. Then he explained to me that I need to be honest and tell him these things when they arise instead of holding it inside myself and NOT voicing my needs/what upsets me - otherwise, he wouldn't know, and therefore couldn't possibly fix it!

Basically, it's totally unfair and absurd for me to have expectations that he couldn't meet and be annoyed that he didn't magically know to meet them. And this happens because I don't tell him when I'm upset/nervous/tired/stressed out, which he's repeatedly asked me to let him know about so that he can help me. (I have a habit of being stressed or upset if I don't know how to fix something that he would easily be able to help me resolve if he just knew.)

Now luckily I'd kept these thoughts to myself

It'd be the complete opposite in my case! I know that it's often recommended that we don't tell our men certain things, but in my own relationship it's been the case that my man prefers that I'm completely open and honest with him about these things. It's smoother for us this way.

I've made these sorts of blunders so many times, that from past experiences, I'd bet that if I were in the scenario you described and I told him off the bat that I was annoyed he was calling me home for things that I thought could wait, it'd turn out to be the case that his requests actually couldn't wait, or I had offered to him that he could call me home any time and he was taking me up on something I had offered - once again, not his fault!

Anyway, thanks so much for sharing your story. It's helpful to know that I'm not the only one who sometimes feels this way!

[–]Camille113250 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Congratulations on the improvements you're making. Even though your solution isn't the same as the OP's, both of you are doing an awesome job counteracting female solipsism and the urge to set unreasonable (often un-communicated) expectations. It really shows how even though the principles of RPW remain the same, the application differs in every relationship. What works for you and your man may not work for other couples, but as long as your dynamic is harmonious, it's a win :)

[–]chanoki1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

"they are just dramas that I create in my own mind in order to deal with what is going on in my life or just because my mind is a bit of a cesspit."

I can relate to this. But don't feel like you're alone, I'm pretty sure all women are guilty of this to some extent.

It's great that you're aware of it, and thanks to your post, you've made me aware of it too. I'm going to actively work on conquering this like you have this week :) keep it up.

[–]Camille113250 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm pretty sure all women are guilty of this to some extent.

Definitely!

Best of luck this week :)

[–]Camille113251 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It made me stop and realise that sometimes the things that he 'does' that annoy me sometimes aren't things that he does at all, they are just dramas that I create in my own mind in order to deal with what is going on in my life

Such a great realisation to arrive at! Thank you for sharing this field report with us. It's a pretty important step and I know a lot of women reading will benefit from the lesson that you learned. I know I personally force myself to take a step back and assess things if negative thoughts start to dominate. I think about what could be causing it - hunger, thirst, exhaustion, hormones, being annoyed at something completely outside of the relationship, etc. Often just identifying that my anger/annoyance/bad emotion is misplaced and being applied unfairly is enough to snap me out of the mood. It's important that we train ourselves to engage in self reflection to avoid slipping into irrationality.

[–]nouvelle_rouge1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Not only were both of my thought processes completely unfair to him as he was totally justified in his actions both times, they were also completely contradictory. I'd set him up in my mind in a situation in which it was impossible for him to win!

It made me stop and realise that sometimes the things that he 'does' that annoy me sometimes aren't things that he does at all, they are just dramas that I create in my own mind in order to deal with what is going on in my life or just because my mind is a bit of a cesspit.

GREAT realizations that I catch myself doing sometimes as well. It's awesome you caught yourself before you felt the need to vocalize your temporary displeasure.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Well, that was fun. I've recreated my wife's inner dialogue in my own head at times and they sound like that. So at least I was close.

How you ladies don't go insane with those thoughts pounding away at you is a miracle...a close second to childbirth.

[–]BellaScarletta2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you tie a brick around a child's head at birth, in 10 years he's going to say "what brick?" If you remove it, he'll realize how much extra weight he's been carrying.

If I inexplicably became a man...I suspect I'd realize what a massive headache I've had all my life.

[–]Camille113253 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

How you ladies don't go insane with those thoughts pounding away at you is a miracle...

Except we do! Everyone knows all women are crazy lol

Seriously though I legitimately annoy myself with how hamstery and irrational I can get. I can totally relate to the OP and I'm glad she made this FR!

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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