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12

Reflections with RPWi: 8/8/16 (self.RedPillWives)

submitted by CoochQuarantine

Hello ladies

Gimme the good bad and ugly.

Bonus: describe our lovely mods in one word... hehe

Have a great day..

CQ out 🔥🔥🔥


[–]Trauma_Burn_RNEarly 20s / Married 1.5 yr / Together 38 points9 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

GOOD: So, I'm new here. I was searching for "housecleaning schedules", since my husband has made it clear that my housekeeping skills are sub-par (they totally are, he's right), and was shocked to find that there are women that think like me. You guys ARE my good! I've binge read the top posts, and have tried a week of putting things into action.

I've successfully done my hair, make-up, and bedtime skin care routine everyday now, which is huge for me (I'm disheveled and spacey). He deserves to have a pretty wife! I've been trying to get in a daily workout too, so the bod matched the face ;)

I've been making an effort to pay attention to his hobbies, without playing on my phone or being visibly bored. He doesn't necessarily like me to help with his projects, but he likes having me around. Guns and woodworking aren't really my jam, but he thanked me for hanging out with him anyways :)

BAD: We argue about money a lot - he's a spender, and I'm the most uptight about saving. It's led to a lot of fights because I do not want to relinquish any control over finances. In fact, I really want to have all of the control over the finances, but that's not happening anytime soon. We don't get into huge blowout fights, but it's frequent little snits that leave both of us unhappy. I'm not quite sure of the solution yet.

UGLY. We got married, and then moved out of my apartment a month later to his parents, and hopefully by the end of the month we'll be moved into our own home (woo-hoo!). But, we both hate moving, and all of our stuff is spread between three households. The end of August is going to be a messy, painful moving session, and I'm not looking forward to it :(

[–]StephanieCitrusFascinating Woman, 24, 6 years strong4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Welcome, welcome!

One thing to think about regarding his spending habits... think back to your courtship... he probably took you on dates, bought you gifts from time to time.... You fell in love with a spender! Don't be surprised that after marriage he is still a spender!

You may consider a 'household account.' This is where there is a specific checking account you use to pay bills. He deposits an amount you can both agree is reasonable when he gets paid or once a month. That is your money to take care of bills. Any other money he has and uses is none of your concern.

I hope you aren't worried about him running up debt in both of your names. It just sounds as though you're a little more frugal than he is, not that he's got a problem.

Once again, thank you for joining in. I'm so glad to see you.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It sounds more like you wanna control the finances not because you want to lead that particular effort but more cause you want to control how he spends his money. Which is a huge no no. Firstly he has probably always been this way. Love the man that is. Not the man you'd wish him to be. Next tell him why you worry when he spends so much. Is it out of fear you'll be poor? Is it out of fear you'll go food shopping and have a Cc declined and that embarrassing? Tell him what the need to control this issue actually boils down to. Let him rise to meet your fear with you head on. Getting pissed about it never helped anyone foster intimacy in their relationship.

[–]Trauma_Burn_RNEarly 20s / Married 1.5 yr / Together 31 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He has always been a spender, as long as I've known him. And he handled his finances well before he met me, so I guess my input isn't really that helpful, and probably emasculating :/

I'll give that a shot this week - hopefully I'll have a new "good" for next week's update!

....man, you ladies don't mince words around here. I like it.

[–]jade_cat5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Hello everyone!

Good: Two things.

  1. I have changed the way I make my to-do lists. I followed /u/PhantomDream09's wonderful advice and it helped tremendously with my sense of accomplishment and helped me prioritize more properly. I feel much better at the end of the day even if I didn't complete all the optional tasks on my list. So thank you SO much, /u/PhantomDream09 !

  2. My garden is finally producing vegetables! :D

Bad: I ate so, so bad these last two days. A lot of meat and starches, and not many fruits and vegetables. My belly isn't happy and I feel sluggish.

Ugly: Nothing to report. :)

Bonus:

  • Camille: Dignified (I see her as a very delicate woman with much poise and dignity)
  • LifterofThings: Mysterious (I don't know her as much as the other mods, sadly)
  • WingN: Guardian (A very down-to-earth, direct and strict mod that won't take sh-- from no one)
  • Phantom: Counselor (A mod who gives lots of long, elaborate advice)
  • TempestTcup: Matriarch (She is a living history book of how things were a couple of years ago, it is very interesting to read her comparisons between today and "back in the days")

[–]cats_or_get_out 3 points3 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Thanks for linking that to-do list advice. I love it!

[–]MemoirsofaWife26 | Married 5 years1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I'm so excited to hear other RPW have gardens! This is our first year and we are up to our ears in zucchini! What do you have all planted, if you don't mind me asking! :)

[–]jade_cat1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Awesome! I'm so glad to talk to a fellow apprentice gardener!

It's my second year, but last year doesn't really count since I planted my stuff waaaay too late (mid-september). I'm quite up north, so our gardening season is quite short and our vegetables take their sweet time to grow.

I don't have the typical gigantic rectangular garden for several reasons, one of them being the irregularity of our yard. The yard goes up and down, with lots of tree stumps and a somewhat big wild plant diversity. It has its cachet, so instead of trying to clear a big rectangle and make the garden there, I have several little gardens in places where I can plant things without disturbing the already-existing vegetation. It also gives me the opportunity to have a garden in full sun, another one with partial shade, etc.

I started some plants from seeds outside, and some other plants I bought them in pots and transplanted them in the garden.

Plants started from seed

  • Beets: Not ready yet.
  • Kale: Grows beautifully! The leaves are very small compared to the store-bought ones but there is a ton of them. I use it in salads, and I want to make kale chips soon.
  • Spinach: It went well for a while, but then it bolted. I had to pull it out. I'll plant a second batch in a couple of days.
  • Radish: That was a disaster. They took time to grow, and one night they disappeared. Probably eaten by a mole or something.
  • Lettuce: Same as radish.
  • Bok choy: Same as spinach, but I won't plant a second batch.

Transplanted plants

  • Fine herbs: Spearmint, rosemary, lemon thyme, English thyme, sage, chives, tarragon, basil, parsley, savory, dill. They all grow very nicely, except for my dill which bolted.
  • Cucumber: They are growing, slowly but surely. I didn't put tutors though, so they grow horizontally and try to attach themselves to nearby plants.
  • Tomato: I got a few tomatoes from my plant, and they taste really good!

What about you? Did you plant anything else than zucchini?

[–]MemoirsofaWife26 | Married 5 years0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm also fairly up North! As it's our first year, we're kind of at a loss of what to do with our garden to prepare for a Fall harvest. Especially since we did not think about it at all while planning in the Spring and it's too late for squashes. :(

We transplanted lettuce and spinach back in May, I believe. We had it going for a long time before they began to bolt. The goat, however, loved the bolted spinach the best.

Currently, we've got cucumbers, green beans, zucchini, bell peppers, too many tomato plants, and some purple cabbage. We originally letting the cucumbers grow horizontally but they began to fraternize with the enemy (zucchini), so I re-routed them up a trellis. They seem happier.

Our tomato plants have a ton of tomatos but they're all green. Very rarely are they ripening. I need to do additional studying to figure out if there's anything I can do. We'll have over 100 tomatoes if they ripen at the same time so I predict canning in my future.

We just planted some carrots, broccoli, and kale. Hoping we can get a nice fall harvest out of those but we got a crazy heat wave (which we never get) so I'm worried the seeds have nope'd out sprouting.

We've already harvested onions and potatos. I thought 20 onions were overkill but we've already gone through them. So now I'm planning on a growing about 40-50, maybe more so I can have them last through next winter.

Gosh, this has turned into such a novel! I can go on and on about my garden. Sorry, haha!

[–]hazelfox32, Engaged 6 mos/5 yrs LTR4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good: Only 40 days until our wedding! We're nearly done with the big decisions and details; from here on out, it's collecting RSVPs, finalizing pretty little details and making jokes to each other about how "this is the best decision you've ever made." I'm also applying for a job that would be a really great opportunity for both of our long-term goals.

Bad: Nothing major; I'm tired and tend to be depressed, so that's a little challenge, keeping up with everything and not becoming blah or morose. Probably need more Vitamin D, as my midwife tells me my levels are crap. When I'm tired, anxiety tends to be worse, and there are a few wedding guests I'd rather walk hot coals than socialize with, and my mind starts spinning awkward scenarios.

Mods, you're wonderful! I'm afraid I don't know each of you quite well enough yet to give you witty one-word monikers, though. Thank you for everything you do for this community!

[–]LauraXVII25 ♡ Monk Mode4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

The Good: Boyfriend turned round and said to me "you know, I actually properly feel that we're going to be together forever, that this is it"... He was half asleep when he said it, but I'm counting this as a win!! I had a work bbq on Friday afternoon which he came to, so now he's met all my work colleagues and it was one of his friends from work's leaving do on Friday and I joined for drinks after the meal, so now I've met all of his work colleagues. I feel like that's an important milestone reached :)

The Bad: To say that my flat is a tip would be the understatement of the century. I've had a lot on with uni and work but I've got really lazy about housework the last couple of weeks - need to sort myself out!!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I think I know the answer but I'm gonna ask anyways..

my flat is a tip

What does that mean?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Just means it's an absolute mess, it's generally a British phrase as far as I'm aware :)

[–]LauraXVII25 ♡ Monk Mode1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I didn't realise it was only a British phrase! TIL...

EDIT: should probably explain why we use it - our waste disposal sites where all our household waste goes are known as "rubbish tips", or tips for short. If your something is a tip, then it looks like a waste disposal site :)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ok that's what I thought. But I didn't know if there was a typo. Lol.

[–]StephanieCitrusFascinating Woman, 24, 6 years strong2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The good: This week WM offered to help me with chores and I gave him honest 'no's. I feel so on top of the housekeeping schedule.

Also, WM told me yesterday that he can see my ankles! I had serious cankles that we used to joke about. Although my weight is hanging around the same number this last week or so, I think that is because I am gaining muscle.

The bad: I have a new work schedule that is going to cut in to my internet/reading fun time.

The ugly: My stink after going on a 2 hour walk in the Summer heat ;)

[–]BellaScarletta2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Good: The friends that set R and I up visited the wife's hometown which is 2 hours from us (as opposed to the 8 away they live). I couldn't make a visit happen due to scheduling conflicts, and R didn't push me but just said "I understand but a lot of people will be very disappointed if they don't see you", which gave me the push to be more flexible than I usually am. I rearranged everything for my weekend and still fit it all in, and it ended up working out even better! We spent an amazing day all hanging out and we were happy, our friends were even happier, and it was neat because they set us up but it was the first time they actually got to see us together and they were pretty much glowing and enjoying the fruits of their labour.

Bad: My old friends have been incredibly judgemental of all my decisions regarding my "career" taking a backseat to my relationships (romantic, familial, and friends); I put career in quotes because I'm fresh off the college bus anyway. Granted, this is no new thing but I think they thought it was something HB pushed me into (not true) and expected things to go back to 'normal' when we broke up. We used to have our feminazi SJW world domination thing in common and now we don't...they're still my oldest friends and damned good ones so I know I need to be charitable and give them a reasonable adjustment period to get with the program (or put them in the box they belong in, if not). But they started getting critical of my decisions regarding R and suggesting that I'm "one of those girls" who just needs to be in a relationship. I snapped and took a shot at them that I shouldn't have and I know I'll have to deal with that later but oh well. My relationship isn't a democracy and I'm incredibly comfortable with the choices I've made.

Ugly: Truly nothing to report (:

Bonus:
Camille: Margaery
Phantom: Catlyn
WingN: Cersei
Tempest: Olenna
Lifter: Brienne

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wingnut=cersei..... bahahhaha OMG yaaasss. In the show she is very pragmatic. During the battle of the backwater it looked like they were going to lose. As is customary when the losing side finally gives in raping and pillaging happens. Cercei says to sansa "I imagine were in for a bit of rape. I have never seen a woman more pragmatic than that. Not a "maybe they'll spare me cause I'm the queen or a woman or beautiful" nope. They all getting fucked. I can picture wing being THAT pragmatic.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

My old friends have been incredibly judgemental of all my decisions regarding my "career" taking a backseat to my relationships

i ran into this one recently and it was tricky to navigate. one of my oldest, dearest friends is a high-flying, career-driven, ball-busting lawyer. we were chatting about the future, and i was saying how lucky i felt that my SO will be able to support us both when we have kids.

she really blew up at me, telling me I'll be bored and directionless as a SAHM, that i should not give up my career "for him", that i'll basically shrivel up into a boring, lifeless blob as soon as i leave my job. what really irritated me was the way she told me all of these things about me. "you'll have no meaning", "you'll get bored and go back after a week", "you love your job, you'd go crazy sitting at home with kids all day."

sure, my job is fine, i like it, but it doesn't give me my meaning in life - it's something i do to put money away for the future. when did working for a big, soulless corporation that doesn't give a damn about you become more "meaningful" than your family? i just don't get it.

i think there was a lot of projection going on in that conversation. she recently ended a relationship with a decent man because, basically, she's a massive bitch to him and bossed him around, but then didn't respect him for taking her shit. typical career girl nonsense. we're both approaching 30, so if kids are going to happen they need to happen soon, and i think she wants someone to go down on her ship with. it's sad to see an old friend making herself miserable like this, but not my battle to fight.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

GOOD:

  • I went to the doctor today and weighed myself after not weighing myself for maybe 2-3 weeks. I'm at a lovely 120 lbs!! This is without calorie counting or doing any cardio, just bodyweight exercises. My diet and exercise regimen is working and I'm super happy about that.
  • I have felt super confident and chill the last few weeks and I think it's because I'm just in super NGAF mode and living my life without worrying about the opinions of others.
  • My birthday is coming up yay!!

BAD:

  • Some loser asshole is being endorsed by prominent Republicans to run as an independent to take votes away from Trump. If this happens and it's real, I will probably avoid voting for federal election for the next 25 years.

UGLY:

  • Nothing really.

How to describe the mods?

/u/_wingnut_ --- <3 <3 <3 Adore her. I relate to her on so many levels. We have a strong understanding and shared views on culture and politics. She doesn't kiss ass and she's bluntly honest, but it comes from a place of compassion. She wouldn't take the time to advise people if she truly didn't give a fuck about them and I love that about her. She has pretty eyes. LOL.

/u/Camille11325 ---Eloquent. Makes a point to always put her best foot forward, even in very unfortunate circumstances. Doesn't complain, a trait I respect. We're very different so I can't relate to her that much, but I like that she values feminine traits and doesn't shy away from them ever.

/u/TempestTcup --- Grounded. I feel like she has lived, thus far, a complete life and has very relevant and timely insights on marriage. I admire the fact she's been with the same man for more than a generation and they are still happily married.

/u/PhantomDream09 --- Disciplined. I don't know as well, but I appreciate how she manages the sub. I think she really does value and respect the role of moderator and tries to be honest and impartial when 1) helping new members or 2) advising regular members. She doesn't mince her words and takes her time to explain her thoughts.

/u/LifterofThings --- Another mod I don't know very well, but I never had a negative interaction with her and I think most would say the same.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Good: I have been getting a ton of stuff done around the house in preparation for my SO coming home next week! I've not been stressing out too much about it, much to my surprise, and have actually been having fun with it. Each day, I focus on one room of the house and go to town! Also was able to give my dog, a yorkie, a haircut at home and it actually turned out pretty cute!

Bad: Since I've really started to hit the weights pretty hard (if you haven't already, check out the How to Be a Bombshell Post), and I decided to finally sit down and calculate my macros. While I was researching, I found that I made a sizable mistake three months ago. Turns out I have been eating way too little, which made me more prone to binge cycles. So I go back to what I was using for calculating, and I was eating for weight loss for someone who was 8 inches shorter than me. Yikes. But I am very excited that I am back on track!

Ugly: I had tried out a chemical peel for my feet for the first time last week. You don't see anything happen for a few days, and then your feet turn into the ugliest, most horrible looking things. So bad, that I had to wear socks 24/7. Now that the peeling is over, I don't think my feet have ever been so soft!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

OMG. Did you use baby feet? I swear my feet were never so soft. But they looked diseased while they peeled. Not cute. Lol.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I use Tony Moly Shiny Foot. Works well and you can't beat the price point. I wish I didn't wait until this late in the summer to use it!

[–]StephanieCitrusFascinating Woman, 24, 6 years strong1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

OH no, that's a mess about your macros. I'm glad you have it straightened out now!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Now that I can have an extra 400 calories and still be at a deficit, I just need to make sure I don't eat too much bacon/ice cream/bread!

[–]StephanieCitrusFascinating Woman, 24, 6 years strong1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

OMG nice

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Good: I've been working really hard at overcoming my passive aggressive habits. This means admitting to myself when I'm upset, and then figuring out how to deal with it -- some things I let go, and others I bring up to my husband in a direct, painless way. This has been fantastic, husband is really happy, and it's made me feel so much closer to him.

The bad: overcoming the passivity is still a work in progress and there are some triggers that just make me feel like throwing in the towel. We had agreed to assemble a new bed for the baby -- it arrived a month ago and husband still hasn't taken it out of the box. I have brought it up a few times and he keeps saying he'll get to it. I know he's been busy but still. It's driving me NUTS. I haven't told him how annoyed I am.

The ugly: so far, nothing...

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

You mentioning it more than one time is showing him you are annoyed with it. Just let him get to it. The baby won't die because it isn't assembled today. Is it really worth it to get mad ab something that isn't even going to matter in a year?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Well when you put it that way! You're right. Somehow in my mind that stupid bed turned into a symbol, like, if he cared about me he would put it together already! Hamster at work, I guess.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I know that all too well. You can read my post ab the chair situation. Yikes!!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Some highlights of the past week ...

Good I was feeling a bit down and irritable during sharkweek, but tried keeping the tone light at all times. I messed up a few times (getting bossy and pedantic, blergh) and felt really bad about it, so I straightforward told my SO that I was having a rough time and that I was sorry about my behaviour. SO and I proceeded to have a conversation about dealbreakers. He literally mentioned he expects me to respect him at all times, and also told me that he hasn't ever felt disrespected by something I've said or done. Yay :-) I need clear language, this is as crystal clear as it gets

Super good The M-word keeps popping up, aaahhh. He keeps referring to it as somewhat of a joke ("Ssooo, when are we getting married?") but I know that the idea of getting married is settling in his mind

Bad An ex tried to get back in touch with me. Told my SO. He trusts me. Moving on

Bonus I cannot think of anything for all mods but:

/u/Camille11325: poise

/u/_wingnut_: wise

/u/TempestTcup: mentor

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I got a little heart :-oo0000

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

for real, camille is simply the most poised young woman ive ever met, she astonishes me

[–]MemoirsofaWife26 | Married 5 years0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good: I'm finally back on a semi-regular cooking schedule! Being pregnant has definitely set back quite a few things onto the back burner. Including cooking and cleaning, a passion of mine! But with the 2nd trimester energy arriving, I'm so glad I can go back to serving my husband <3

Bad: MIL came for a visit and made some comments about the state of the house, kept dropping hints about taking our son for visits, other maternal power struggles, etc. I took it rather personally. I probably sat on that negativity for a good 48 hours before bringing it up to Husband. I should have gone to him sooner. He simply said: "She will respect our boundaries and choices as parents because we will make her."

Ugly: My own NMom is slowly trying to worm her back way into our lives. We're on red alert right now. But I'm trying not to let it get to me. The last thing me and my husband needs is an emotionally compromised Wife ;P

I'm also starting to wonder if I'm the problem. That I just cannot get along with maternal figures? That is something I truly need to reflect on.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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