Advice please: Difficult in laws to be & my family oriented SO

familyissuesrp · 2016-08-05T13:12:48+00:00

I really sympathize -- I'm very introverted myself and honestly, dealing with a loud pushy family (even my own) can be tough. If I were in your shoes, I'd probably be freaking out about your boyfriend's need for you to LOVE hanging out with his family. That probably feels like a lot of pressure -- I mean it's one thing to visit them, it's another thing to be expected to "get along famously with them and love visiting". It might help for you to put that out of your mind for a while, stop worrying about loving these people, and focus on what you can do to help your boyfriend as he tries to help them. Think of your visits as errands of mercy -- you are going to help cheer up his parents. Dont say that to your boyfriend. I just mean it might help to think of things that way. Bring little gifts. Ask his mom for cooking lessons. Help out with the dishes and show your boyfriend that he doesn't need to babysit you while you're there -- that way he can spend his time helping out his dad and brother. Like I said, I'm a serious introvert and social things can exhaust me. But helping people gives me energy. (Obviously without letting them know that you are trying to help them. )

maya_elena · 2016-08-05T15:07:49+00:00

I think /u/BellaScarletta nailed it in her response. I'd also like to emphasize two pitfalls for this relationship.

1) As someone coming from your SO's perspective (I'm the one with the bigger and closer-knit family in my relationship), I'd expect the "SO vs. family" dynamic to continue, playing a bit of that tug-of-war for the rest of your life if you marry him. He will be constantly mediating between you and MIL for the rest of her life, especially when the kids come. And it's not clear to me that his first loyalty would stay to you, once you all get older, more set in your ways, and with problems like health issues and old age. (There's a reason people tend to marry into their own culture, for example: it guarantees a lot of commonality in things like familial hierarchy and values.) These do not guarantee a failed relationship, but these issues are a trade-off he and you will have to face if you decide to get married.

2) A small potential and hopefully negligible red flag about the SO: his insistence that you have to go on every visit with him because he misses you but cannot bear to not go. That's similar to you saying something like, "it's not enough that you took me to the Opera; you have to LIKE it!" That's a non-sexual application of "you cannot negotiate desire".

niyamadana · 2016-08-05T16:59:58+00:00

I think it is very telling that your boyfriend is making excuses for their behavior and continues to defend you against their ridiculous complaints. That means it isn't all in your head - he knows they are being unfair to you.

Is there a history of abuse in the family? Close-knit or not, that level of animosity and antagonism towards a new person, a new person who a member of the family loves and is considering spending the rest of his life with, is a major indication of a closed family system. Resulting from abuse or some other crippling dysfunction (like a personality disordered mother), a closed family system has the hallmarks of indirect aka sneaky and gossipy communication, punishments for setting healthy boundaries, unfair rules and standards, and a deep suspicion of 'outsiders' ... which is an environment that fosters negativity and judgment. In contrast, an open family system is identified by direct communication, healthy boundaries, and a welcoming attitude towards newcomers, which creates a positive and nurturing environment.

If your SO comes from a closed family system, it will be vey hard for him to set boundaries. For him, setting boundaries would be tantamount to telling his family that he doesn't love them. This means that things can never really get better, because as an 'outsider' you will never really have a say in how you're treated. You will always be held to a different standard and the standard will change depending on how you behave to allow them to continue treating you like garbage. Read a book at a gathering when everyone else is also occupied? You're being antisocial. Try to socialize at a gathering when everyone else is occupied? You're being pushy and annoying. You literally will never be able to win. He knows it, and loves you anyway.

So, if it is indeed a dysfunctional closed family system, the question you have to ask is: are you willing to put your SO first here? If you don't, if you put your own feelings first, there is no hope. If you can find a way to rise above and stop letting their petty drama and gossip enter your frame, then there is hope that you two can be happy together.

Camille11325 · 2016-08-05T17:54:41+00:00

You've received a lot of great advice already I just want to emphasise the idea that you are going to have to actively make an effort to get them to like you. You can't expect them to change or try to woo you, you need to be proactive when it comes to fixing that relationship. In addition to being helpful in the moment (cleaning, listening attentively, NOT reading at parties lol) you should do some things like bringing brownies for everyone one weekend, making a meal for them, sending a card or calling for his parent's birthday, anniversary, or a big holiday. They will notice and appreciate these efforts and it will lead to them encouraging your boyfriend to marry you :)

BellaScarletta · 2016-08-04T23:33:36+00:00

Okay I'm going to preface this with I don't mean to be harsh, but there are a few big things I am seeing here. Ultimately it's good you are recognizing the issue so please bear that in mind.

Exclusive relationship, (he's said I'm the one and plans to marry me)

Dear, these are not your future in-laws. Until there is a ring on your finger, they are your boyfriend's parents. Many of us have been in relationships much longer that haven't worked out. Counting your chickens before they hatch will lead to foolish decision-making if you don't stay aware.

His family and I have a tense relationship. They are very critical of me behind my back. (examples: they complain I won't leave my backpack with 1500 dollars worth of electronics in a locked car and instead carry it around with me, they complain that I didn't watch the superbowl and instead was reading a book while sitting with them at the party, they talked behind my back because they thought I was pregnant because I gained some weight)

The backpack thing is petty IMO, small potatoes. That being said, it does sound a bit foolish to me and they were probably lashing out at your decision-making skills in general and focussing too hard on one thing. I don't see it as a wise decision, but ultimately unimportant. Next.

The superbowl thing. You brought that on yourself...you know his family is important to him and yet you chose to blatantly tune them out at a social event. That is rude behaviour. I would be extremely judgmental if my brother's SO did that as well. Maybe you don't like football. Maybe social events are hard for you. Either pull it together for a night and then discuss later with your partner why it was hard, or if it's too difficult then find another way to cope (help his mom in the kitchen, talk with just one person if you can't handle the horde). Putting a book in front of your face when he invited you to a function, very rude.

Pregnancy thing...well that is symptomatic of the rest. You aren't giving your best effort to connect with his people and they were probably worried they would prematurely be stuck with you. That's what happens when you don't make that effort, even if it is pushing your boundaries.

They are also draining for me to be around because (1) I am an introvert for one and they dislike when people need time to themselves and always want to hang out 24/7 when we visit, and (2) They are very negative/gossipy and judgemental and dwell on things and people and talk about them to death. (3) I am a very low threshold kind of woman, and I get very stressed out when people around me raise their voices and outlash in anger (my mom used to do this a lot when I was a child but now doesn't at all and has apologized)

If you invested more in them up front, they would probably cut you more slack on the backend. I'm not saying I don't see how this would be difficult for you, but until you're in their good graces I think the reality is you will live under a microscope.

His mother has lost her cool with me 3 times now. When she does, not only does she raise her voice, but she barrages me with criticisms and unsolicited advice and about how I'm inappropriate and she pities me for being so dominated by fear.

This is inappropriate; how does your SO respond when this happens?

The problem is my boyfriend is very close with his family, and in his ideal world, I get along famously with them and love visiting.

We don't all get our ideal worlds, and maybe he won't get his. That's okay. But if he doesn't, it should be because you did your best and gave them your best efforts. It does not sound to me like you are doing that.

He wants me to visit them with him at least once a month for 4 days (they live 2 hours away),

Once a month every month? That seems like a lot. Is there a reason? Maybe he can go every month and you can join every other.

I'm having trouble being ok with the idea, it just sounds so miserable to me, every time I visit I am so drained and unhappy and it affects my mood even in the weeks that we're alone in our own home.

Well frankly your attitude leaves a lot to be desired, and it also sounds like you ruminate in your own pity party on the subject. How do you think this makes your SO feel? How do you think he felt watching you read and stonewall his family, which he has made it very clear is important to him? How do you think it makes him feel having to defend you all the time to them? Which make no mistakes, I'm sure he does.

I'm not saying there's 0 cause for upset but this whole post is very self-serving. We all need to do things we don't like. I would be crushed if my SO got along with my family as poorly as you do. My last SO would have surely dumped me if I has this dynamic with his family. I don't know your SO and I don't know these people but the lack of anything truly imprudent suggests to me you're all decently reasonable humans. As such, with minimal effort you should be able to stay pleasant. With more effort, enjoyable even. I think if your current attitude continues your worries will resolve themselves when he rescinds his position on your place in his future, then they won't be your in laws at all. Or maybe I'm being too harsh, I can't tell. I've always been held to exceptionally high standards by dating "family men" and this has never been on the table in terms of what is acceptable.

I think what I most want help on is how to fix my attitude towards them, I know it's so important to my boyfriend that I love them like I would my own family but It's gotten to the point to where even if I hear one of them on the phone with him I just feel terrible inside, I dread visiting and it's making me depressed.

I don't think there is a silver bullet or magic fix. I think you put on your best face and do it even if you don't want to. Do whatever you have to do to find your woosa, find common interests with them, work on your manners as a guest, be gracious and helpful, listen to them when they suggest things (could you really not have just locked the backpack up when they asked?), just try. I wish I had something more specific to offer you.

I've contributed to the problem by (1) being a big baby about criticism,

We all get criticized. Learn to love it. That's my only advice. Constructive criticism is the best gift someone can offer you. They are giving it because they want you to be better -- if you don't agree with what they said, totally fine. Don't act on it. But having your feelings hurt won't help much. Thank them, consider it, and move along with your day.

I have a tendency to hold grudges. If someone does something that I consider to be wrong or unfair to me, I will express how they've hurt me and then if they don't apologize and say they will try not to do that again, or at least talk it out, then I often don't forgive them and hold a grudge.

It's good you recognize that, but recognizing does no good without taking action. Time to get rid of this childish characteristic. Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Let me know how it works out.

Since my first visit to their home over a year ago. I overheard his dad talking badly about me in the bathroom to my boyfriend and since then I have asked him if they have said anything else about me periodically throughout the last year and there is always some new thing.

I'm sorry you got off on a bad foot with them. But if you want to spend the rest of your life with your SO, you better make good with his family. The best time to plant a tree is 25 years ago, the second best time is now. Start pruning your olive branches because you're going to need a lot to hand out.

I have done everything I can to not offend them when I visit, I walk on eggshells every time I'm there. I clean the house and make dinner, I tend to their garden. I am polite and go the extra mile. I think I'm succeeding in slowly winning them over, they haven't said any critical things about me since my last visit 2 weeks ago. His mom confides in me a lot and I give her a lot of support, so I think that is good

This is good, you have my commendations here. Try and keep this behaviour up and be vigilant in it. Above all, be gracious and humble. This is your best bet.

but my main problem is with myself and my attitude, in disliking them so much.

That is your problem. Not theirs. And it's affecting your relationship with them and your man. I know criticism isn't something you take well so I hope you know all I said was meant in good faith, I hope you can mull it over and make the necessary adjustments to set yourself up for success with his family.

llem20 · 2016-08-05T14:07:36+00:00

To me personally, it sounds like they are having a lot of problems and your SO's brother had just been totally fucked over, his heart was probably broken. When a family member's heart breaks, yours does a little bit too - especially if you are a mother. Your bf's mother is probably scared that you will hurt her other son, she loves him very much and doesn't want to see him hurt like his brother was. Which means she's attacking you. She is also going through a tough time in her own personal life, and her marriage as her husband is depressed.

I'm trying to point all of this out so you can empathise with her. Her attacks at you are not personal, she is hurting. Try to be sympathetic, keep helping her out as much as possible, ask her if she's OK. Ask her out for lunch, or out shopping. She might welcome the break.

If/when she does lash out at you, remember that it probably isn't your fault, she's probably had a really hard day/week and (unfortunately because you are an introverted person) you are an easy target. Just remind yourself that your bf loves you for a reason, and you should just call her later on - apologise for whatever it is she shouted at you for (doesn't matter if you agree with her or not, it's about being the bigger person), and ask if she's OK.

If you and your SO do get married, then you might end up looking after his Mother in her later years, why not start now? Remember she is a woman in her own right, with her own feelings and problems. Sympathise with her, just don't pity her.

I hope this helps. Best of luck!