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Passivity (self.RedPillWives)

submitted by [deleted]

First of all, this thread might be a little all over the place, I guess I'm writing to try and think things over,and I'd love any feedback from you ladies! And also it is LONG.

I've been thinking a lot about passivity lately. I have a bad tendency to be passive aggressive. It's a tendency I've had all my life, with my family, with friends, and in relationships. 

When I started dating my now-husband, I was not at all passive. I was always on the deferential side with him -- but he made me feel so alive, and free, that I really wasnt passive. I was active, engaged. It was one of the first times I really felt free to express myself fully. It was wonderful.

Somehow, after the first few years, I fell into my old passive ways even with him. We had kids, and everything got more serious, and old childish habits of mine came back. My extended family got in the way. I'm not saying he's been perfect, but I'm thinking about my side. 

We had some bad fights about his long working hours, and we had some arguments about how to raise our kids. Some of the fighting was useful -- we figured out solutions to a lot of stuff. And our relationship always stayed loving and intimate. But some of the conflict never got completely resolved. He'll always work a lot of hours. I'll probably never be totally happy with that. It feels like we have just a little patch of darkness between us.

Anyway, with all this, I fell into a terrible habit of being sorry for myself. Seeing myself as a victim: seeing myself as the woman whose husband works too much, instead of as the woman whose husband writes her poems, and teases her, and encourages her to be an artist.

I got passive aggressive. I started to brood and sulk and snip.

When I discovered Red Pill Wives I was really excited. I felt like I suddenly had permission to appreciate my husband again: to think about his needs, instead of only mine, and to think about all the good in him.

But in a way, I was still wrong. I was still seeing myself as a victim: I was just changing it up a little bit so that I could be a martyr too. I started working harder, taking better care of the house and getting in better shape. I started complaining less.

But I remained a little passive. And I remained on high alert for any sign of that shadow.

What I miss is the easy confidence I used to have with my husband.  And I'm trying to get it back. The other day, he did something to upset me and instead of brooding over it, I told him - in the easy, joking, slightly theatrical language I used to use with him, letting him know I was mad but not broken. It was like magic. He started to glow.

So that's what I want back. I want to find the confidence to get over this sense of injury and live, actively.

Does this make sense? Any thoughts?


[–]StingrayVC4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I want to find the confidence to get over this sense of injury and live, actively.

I think you need to slow down a bit (I speak from experience here) and when something happens that makes you angry, give yourself time to think. You did this the other day and had the time to not get passive aggressive, but to make yourself behave as you once did and it worked out beautifully. The more you practice, the more easily it will come to you and the more your confidence will grow.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you!!

I think for far too long I've been faking it -- pretending to STFU while in my head I'm just brooding and sulking. I am going to start practicing a TRUE pause for reflection.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

pretending to STFU while in my head I'm just brooding and sulking

Lots of women do this and it slowly eats at them. Good on you for noticing it - now you can make a game plan and fix it :D

[–]stevierose345 2 points2 points [recovered] | Copy Link

What I miss is the easy confidence I used to have with my husband. And I'm trying to get it back.

I am on the same mission. I just typed out a long reply but the damn thing just disappeared on me. I will try to say more later.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Thank you!! I'd love to hear more but honestly, it also feels reassuring just to know that someone else is on the same mission.

[–]stevierose345 3 points3 points [recovered] | Copy Link

My goal is to become assertive. I am an "avoid conflict at all costs" kind of person, the one who smooths things over. That is the passive side of me. The aggressive side of me is the woman who will snap when things overwhelm her emotionally and run for cover. I don't fight, I retreat and its usually under a layer of icy detachment. I also refuse to cry in front of my husband. I know that is really fucked up. So it seems the solution for me is to be assertive and say "I am feeling hurt" or "I need you to be more patient", or "You are acting like an ass" (just kidding) There is actually a very good post on Red Pill Women entitled Beyond passive/aggressive: ASSERTIVENESS for Women written by MentorORHEUS 17 days ago. I am sorry i do not know how to link it. I could type the whole thing out and mail it before I figured out how to do this.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh yes, this is me too -- I like the way you put it, retreating into icy detatchment. And if I do this too often, I can't even tell when I'm angry or why...I get detached from myself. Terrible habit and well worth struggling against.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It seems like you've identified what the problem is and now you want to kill that little inner bitch that keeps jabbing at your intimacy with your hubby. So you've got that going for you. I think really you had one success and want it to be something that happens reflexively. It ain't gonna happen like that. You just have to keep trying and trying and trying again and again and again. Trying to retrain your thoughts takes months if not years to do. But now you have seen that changing how you behave to your SO is something he craves as you said that he started to glow with just a smalllll change. Just imagine the intimacy you can foster with doing this more and more. So just practice and keep at it.

Something I do when I know that I am upset and can't identify why is by telling my SO exactly that.

"I don't know why I'm mad or if I should even be mad so just let me think this through for a bit".

He trusts me that eventually I will come back to him with either a question or a statement about what is going on.

  • I am (or am not) angry because xyz.

  • Can you explain to me xyz a little more?

I try to refrain from emotionally barfing all over my SO when I get a reflex to be angry. He appreciates the hell out of it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes. I think you're right, change will take a while. For me, I tjink the first step is admitting to myself when I'm upset. I tend to think that I don't have the right to feel angry unless there's something truly terrible going on. So I kind of stay quiet for a long time and then I trot out a whole long list of grievances all at once and I go on and on about how it makes me feel. Obviously not the best way to deal with things!

[–]katsumii27 | LTR0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I believe it makes sense.

Sorry, I wish I had wise advice to add. But right now, all I can do is empathize. I am also on a path to assertiveness. I don't have kids, but am a passive person myself. At least, this is what my LTR boyfriend claims. Honestly, my life mantra is "live and let live."

Also, I am on my way to check out the thread that stevierose345 mentioned. Beyond passive/aggressive: ASSERTIVENESS for Women written by MentORPHEUS. By the way, I totally relate to both of you — my typical (conditioned?) response is to retreat... until eventually I snap when overwhelmed. I have improved on this in the last several months, though. (Slow improvement, but noticeable compared to several months ago.)

Best of luck to you. :) Looking forward to seeing updates from you in the future. I will do my best also to post some.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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