TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

17

How do you know your not asking too much of a guy? We are all flawed in some way but is that an excuse to lower ones standards. I'm not talking crazy standards but the basic stuff like masculine, hard working, ambitious. Is my expectations based off my SMV. Higher SMV = more expectations. How do you know you're not settling? And how do you objectively get to know what your SMV is? Ask a friend or family member?


[–]sugarcrush 10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I would say if you aren't getting any interest from the type of guys you are looking for, you are asking too much (meaning they are "out of your league", although I don't care for that phrase). In that case, you either need to adjust your expectations or work on yourself until you are attracting those men.

It's harder to say how to know if you are settling. I think if you feel like you are settling, then you shouldn't be with that person because that's probably an indicator that you don't truly respect him or feel attracted to him. Personally, when I met my husband and we got together I thought "holy shit how is this amazing guy interested in ME?!?!" I thought (and still think!) he was the most amazingest. So, that's how I would say you know you aren't settling!

As always, I think this story is helpful in narrowing down what you should really be looking for in a potential partner.

[–]TempestTcup7 points [recovered] (5 children) | Copy Link

The man should meet or exceed (not too much) what you have to offer. If you are a couch potato, don't expect someone super active and industrious, but if you are super industrious, don't settle for a couch potato. If your SMV is high you are better able to get a man that meets all of your expectations, but then once you get him, you have to up your RMV (relationship market value) to keep him. What do you offer to a relationship?

How do you know you're not settling?

When he not only gives you butterflies in your stomach, but he doesn't have any major red flags, and he can lead you and take charge. Vetting is very important; read Camille's post on vetting, and be sure to make sure he wants the same things from life before you give him your heart.

[–]munchinggobblesEarly 20s, Single[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I know what a RMV is but what exactly are the traits that increase RMV.

[–]TempestTcup 3 points3 points [recovered] | Copy Link

That is an excellent question, and searching through the archives, I don't believe that we have a post on that yet. This needs to change!

RMV is relationship skills, and being the woman that men want to stay with. Things like always being on his side, putting him above all others, appreciating what he brings to a relationship, and enjoying him for who he is instead of trying to change him into what you want him to be.

It is also home skills like keeping your home neat, being able and willing to cook nice meals, and taking care of both of your needs.

Another aspect is your ability to entertain yourself, having hobbies that you are interested in, and always improving your knowledge and skills. Remember, having outside interests makes you more interesting and less likely to rely on him for your happiness and entertainment.

There is much, much more to it than that, but those are the basic things that I can think of right now. Maybe a RMV megathread is in order!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There is a post. It was from a long time ago. I've been trying to locate it. It had to do with the different aspects of being relationship material and how to increase your rmv/smv number. It was a really extensive post. It went through beauty standards behavioral aspects (like n number and being confrontational) I have been digging for about half hour and can't find it.

[–]munchinggobblesEarly 20s, Single[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I didn't realise that there was so much to it. Looking forward to the thread :)

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This was a great post by /u/persimmnon that I think you should read. Then read this girl game challenge and see what other people defined as their core relationship values. I think you are looking for you RMV not your SMV but I don't know. It is too early on a Saturday morning to think about these things lol so maybe one of the mods or ecs can clarify the difference for you.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Idk I'm of the belief you can have whatever level of standards that you want. So long as you accept that you may or may not get the quantity or quality of options that you may want as a result of your standards.

You should be at peace with your standards. If you're not, adjust and evaluate until you start getting the results you want.

[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I second all advice received here as yet. And would add that confidence and consistency is key. If you're clearly comfortable with the standards you have, and have belief in them to maintain them (like maintaining girl frame I guess) it's clear to others. My OH has frequently said he's laughed other girls into bed before despite their protestations they wouldn't so soon. But he said he wouldn't have pushed my principles because I had conviction.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2024. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter