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Name one thing you'd like to change about yourself to improve your relationship? (self.RedPillWives)

submitted by Sunhappy_DC

Hey ladies!!

I love a good self improvement challenge! Since taking them on, I've lost 5 lbs, I've learned how to master daily makeup and I'm more confident overall.

Name one thing you'd like to change about yourself to improve your relationship -- and then devote your energy to changing that one thing for the next 7 days!!


[–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Something I want to improve on is my consistency in my housekeeping. There are days I do nothing and days I do everything - I'd like to work on finding a happy medium so our house is neither a wreck nor perfect but a comfortable clean.

Thanks for the post sunhappy :)

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

There are days I do nothing and days I do everything

yeah, see that is why I feel overwhelmed with cleaning. So i tackle one room at a time. Actually, tomorrow I'm posting the girl game challenge and it is to declutter your life. For me I wind up feeling like it is waaayyyy too much to clean the whole house. So even if I have the energy I don't do it. Cause then the next day I don't wanna do shit.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I did a 30 day home detox once -- super helpful when the home is less cluttered

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have chores that I force myself to tackle every day. I've been doing this for a few months now and it's made everything easier.

  1. Dishes are done daily

  2. I do laundry as soon as I have 1 full load

  3. My desk is clear every evening before I go to bed

If any of these things doesn't get done at night before I go to bed - they are the first things I do when I wake up.

I am also now in the habit of putting things away (pens, mail, work material etc) as soon as I notice it. My approach is to 'fight' lots of little battles as part of my normal routine so that I can avoid having to launch a massive offensive on the weekend when I have more free time.

If you can figure out which chores you dread the most - then you can see if those overlap with the ones that you tend to put off the most as well. What tasks always seem to overwhelm your energy and attention? Are there ways you can break bigger chores down into smaller parts that are easier to tackle?

[–]jade_cat3 points [recovered] (5 children) | Copy Link

This this this!!! I am struggling a lot with consistency. I also put waaaay too much stuff on my to-do list, and then at the end of the day I feel bad about myself because I failed to do it all.

I noticed that I am very lazy in the morning, and I start being productive quite late in the day. I intend to make a routine to remedy to that too. :)

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Instead of making a massive (and endless) checklist - make a short and to the point list that only consists of 3 things. Don't go to bed until the list is complete. Then you can cross them off the longer list, and pick 2-3 more things for the next day. You don't have to get through everything in one try, you just have to make progress every day.

Do this for 7 days straight and you'll be amazed at the results. :0)

[–]jade_cat3 points [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link

That's a very good idea, thank you!

I think the main problem is the fact that I don't have a longer list. Therefore, whenever I think of something that needs to be done, I write it on my to-do list. I think I'll start keeping a longer list instead to write down the things I think about.

Also, my to-do list is divided by a lot of categories. I was inspired a lot by this model, but my "To-Do" section is divided by "primary" and "secondary" (and I also replaced the "daily tasks" and "purchase" with "cooking" and "gardening"). Problem is, the "primary" section is as big as the "secondary". I think I'll leave only three items in the "primary" section and only care to finish these, instead of trying to check off every single task in the "primary" and "secondary" sections.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Awesome, please let me know how things go after you've tried it for a while - I'd love an update!

Occam and I use Google keep for a lot of things as well (longer and shorter term projects) too. The nice thing is that we can both add and edit things as needed.

[–]jade_cat2 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link

Will do! I'll start "for real" on Monday (because what better day to start new routines than on Monday? :) ).

We used Google Keep for a while, but at one point we had syncing problems. Shared lists sporadically wouldn't update. Recently we switched to Wunderlist for shared lists, and it works very well. A feature I absolutely love with Wunderlist is the fact that you can assign tasks to specific people. It helps a lot to know who has which tasks to do at a glance. However, I still use Google Keep for my own personal lists, one of the reasons being the fact that I can put pretty pictures above the lists. :)

[–]persimmnon20s|Dating 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

https://www.intelligentchange.com/products/the-productivity-planner

Here's a planner with that concept in mind. There is a free pdf so you can try it out at home!

Really makes one prioritise

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Ok. I am going to work on

PAUSE

This means that when I get worked up I am going to take a second, minute, hour, week... whatever I need in order to compile my thoughts. I feel like I've been getting worked up lately and I definitely don't do this. Yesterday, for example, we were supposed to go to a Sox game. However, I got the times mixed up and we missed it (booooo!!! worst sox fan ever!). Well anyways afterwards I was so flustered I didn't trust my SO to make other plans with me. So I was grumpy and frustrated and just wanted to eat. I could have just taken a moment to realize that a) it ain't the end of the world b) I am not a picky eater c) I was killing intimacy by being stubborn. So this week I'm going to work on PAUSE

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Being hungry can also make you irritable, so part of the problem may have been your hunger. If you ever feel yourself getting grumpy or nagging or arguing with SO and notice you are hungry, pausing to eat may make everything better immediately.

[–]ZingMaster<3 Happiness 8 points9 points [recovered] (5 children) | Copy Link

I would like to devote more time and energy into maintaining the household. It isn't too bad at the moment, but with summer and a lack of schedule/routine, each meal has been a scramble. Trying to think of things that are inexpensive and can feed 5 hungry stomachs has been a big challenge over the past two weeks.

I am hoping to get meals planned out and do some grocery shopping over the next two days.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Hey Zing - This is something I make monthly - and even more often in the summer. It's inexpensive because it uses a lot of canned goods. So I can almost always have it on hand as a backup - or a planned meal. Also clean up is super easy. You can also bake it in the oven on a sheet pan if you don't want to fire up the grill.

Tex Mex White Bean Chicken Foil Packets

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

that looks really good!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Also great re-heated.

I learned that if you chop up green onions and freeze them they store really well - just pull them out and let them defrost only a couple minutes before you use them.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Great tip! I find I only use a few stalks and the rest go bad. Will try this next time!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

OMG I feel the same way. i've got 5 mouths to feed now and one of those is super picky!!! I need to figure something out else I'm going to go crazy lol

[–]stevierose34510 points [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link

I have forgotten how to flirt with my husband.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Compliment him, be playful, laugh together, shake your bum for him a bit and entice him to chase you. You know his sense of humor as well as your own, it may take some time - but be consistent and focus on reviving casual touch, laughter, intimacy, and doing things that make him want to chase you into the bedroom.

[–]TempestTcup4 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link

This can be difficult in a long relationship because in your 30s and 40s you were busy and had a ton of responsibilities, and people in relationships tend to fall into a team sort of pattern instead of a couple pattern. Then one day most of the responsibilities have moved out of the house (hahaha) and there you are alone with your husband, but still in team mode.

It can be very difficult to break out of this mode, and frankly, he would look at you sideways if suddenly you started going full force on playfulness, flirting, jumping on him in frenzied heat, LOL!

I suggest to start small and work up to it: more smiling at him, more touching (start with small touches and build up), more complimenting him (you look really great! I'm so lucky to be with such a fine man!). Try to be lighter, less serious, and a bit more playful in increasing amounts.

[–]BellaScarletta 7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I have a hard time motivating myself to do things if they aren't for someone else. I'll workout because a partner deserves a fit girlfriend. I'll go do things because nobody likes a lazy homebody. I'll cook for an SO. But if it's just for myself I have zerrroooo motivation. I would be just as happy to lay on the couch all day and chat on the IRC.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I would be just as happy to lay on the couch all day and chat on the IRC.

I can't help you there hahaha.

But I do tell myself that when I'm being productive and doing things for myself by myself to make me happy, I'm a more pleasant person to be around. Being pleasant makes any relationship more harmonious. All things are connected.

[–]BellaScarletta 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree 100% with that - it's really just a battle of balance which is something I struggle with anywhere. There's a part of me that thinks of I'm taking care of business it doesn't matter what my motivation is as long as it gets done, but then there's another part that wishes I could just do it for the right reasons (because I'm a capable adult even if I don't always feel like it lol).

[–]maya_elenaMid-20s, married, 3 yrs total 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can relate! And you reach the point where fake deadlines don't work anymore....

[–]StingrayVC 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Complacency

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

One thing I want to change about myself is the need to know everything. I tell myself that I'm not controlling or whatever, but I sometimes drive myself mad or physically sick trying to know exactly what every potential outcome of any potential decision may be, so that I can "plan accordingly." It's my risk-adverse, future oriented nature.

However, sometimes planning can be the work of the enemy, because being so fixated on this can kill intimacy, ruin surprises, hinder your joy with your SO, and other things. I avoid being vulnerable and comfortable with someone UNLESS I know exactly how things will go down -- but the truth is that no one knows what exactly is going to happen. We can assume. Guess. Make scientific hypotheses. But no one knows for sure.

So!! What I plan to change about myself, at least test out for the next seven days, is to just "cast my care" to God, and force myself not to have to be in control. I don't have to know how things will turn out all the time. I can just let go and hope for the best and see how life happens :D Which I've been told is half the fun.

"Life is about the journey, not the destination" -- A wise person, I assume.

[–]eatplaycrush 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is my issue. I constantly am in need to know EVERYTHING to the point if someone close to me has a secret and they tell me.. 9/10 I've known and have been waiting. I've worked on my need to control a lot the last few months and made great progress, but this one seems to be the hardest to maintain.

[–]nouvelle_rouge 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

but I sometimes drive myself mad or physically sick trying to know exactly what every potential outcome of any potential decision may be, so that I can "plan accordingly." It's my risk-adverse, future oriented nature.

Ugh same here! I'm stealing yours!! I should just trust everything is going to be ok

[–]raksha_b 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

'sometimes planning can be the work of the enemy, because being so fixated on this can kill intimacy, ruin surprises, hinder your joy with your SO, and other things.' So true! how does one let go?

[–]liftinginthemoment27 | LTR | 3 years 6 points7 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

I would like to improve my cooking skills. My SO actually loves to cook (fortunately) but I would love to be able to cook or bake for him sometimes (I can cook basic things but he's really good so I feel too intimidated with my current skill level).

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

i suggest that you find 3-5 super easy and quick recipes that you think he'd really like --- and then master making those dishes. think of it as a monthly challenge!

i think every woman should master a dish and make it their own. it could be as simple as roasted chicken.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Can you take a fun date night cooking class - it might help you not feel so intimidated.

[–]tintedlipbalm 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ohh, same!

[–]maya_elenaMid-20s, married, 3 yrs total 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Congrats on your progress! I noticed for myself that a week doesn't seem like much, but it is hard to maintain a resolve or a routine even over that time period.

1) Less time on time-sucking activities like TV and internet. This damages my relationship in that I fall behind, feel guilty when reminded, and tens to lash out a bit.

2) Get more sleep. Otherwise I need to stay at work work later if I wake up later, less time at home for time-sucking activities, I stay up later..... Vicious cycle.

[–]tintedlipbalm 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Great post idea, Sunhappy!

In general, I'd like to do the things I say they will do more consistently. It's a bigger problem than a relationship problem and about the way I approach my goals, but I don't want it to affect my relationship in the sense that he would stop believing I'm going to do what I say. I know it's too broad but it's my main worry.

[–]phantasmagnolia5 points [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link

Being insecure

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Focus on your posture - it's weird but standing up straight, and engaging your core/being aware of your alignment makes you feel more confident. Don't slouch when you're sitting down, and keep your head from 'bopping forward' like a vulture when you are at a computer. Practice standing up and sitting down in a controlled manner (as opposed to simply 'plopping'). Not only will you engage your muscles a bit more - you will also start to notice other movements you make all the time, maybe they are hurried and frantic, or repetitive...you control your body language. As you notice little things you can tweak so that you look calm and collected, you'll also notice that you feel that way too. Smile and hold the door for someone, pay a stranger a compliment at the grocery store, do things that make you happy. When you are happy, even if you happen to be busy or stressed, you'll enjoy your day more, and the happier you are, the less you will worry about your insecurities and the more you will feel at ease as you go about your day. :0)

[–]vanBeethovenLudwig 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is mine as well!

[–]Kittenkajira 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I suspect I have been talking too much lately, especially about baby stuff. So I'm going to start bringing up conversations that aren't about babies, and shutting up while he talks. One of my hearing aids has been out for repair for a couple of weeks, and I finally get it back this evening. So that will be a nice reminder to listen more than I talk.

This was a cute idea Sunhappy!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks!!

[–]sunfloweries6 points [recovered] (14 children) | Copy Link

Being attractive for him.

I am already hard at work on losing weight (I am Class 1 obese). But I am not an attractive person, regardless. I am not very good at makeup (I look silly with it on), I try to dress well (I never wear pants outside of the gym, but I can't wear heels, I'm very short and lumpy so clothes don't look good on me, and tailoring is unfortunately out of the question for now).

One thing I am going to try to do that is very small step is to keep my bra on until I go to bed. I am a size 32JJ (they are not this big because of my weight, when I was smaller they were comparable), and they do sag. I know it's unattractive and I shouldn't do it, so I am going to try very hard to at least do that!

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is great! Sometimes it's hard to be mindful of our appearance at home. I know my favorite part of the day is when I get to take my bra off. But, I've started to do the same as you and leave it on until bed. Even in pajamas, I feel like I look so much more attractive.

[–]BellaScarletta 2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

That all sounds very frustrating; I hope you soon start reaping the benefits of your resolve to improve yourself.

May I ask what efforts you are making on the fitness/nutrition fronts? Those two are something I struggle with maintaining balance, but they are also things I'm quite knowledgable on (I'm naturally rather thin so I lose motivation to care for my health, despite knowing those aren't the same). I'm no expert by any means, but if you ever want some pointers or opinions I would love to help.

Makeup is easy! I mean it's not, but it is. I was very mediocre at doing my makeup for a very long time, but once I made the decision to learn I remember it didn't take too long to become proficient. It's not like learning an instrument where it takes hours and months and years of practice; you can become quite competent in just a few weeks. Do you ever go to /r/makeupaddiction ? That's an amazing resource.

Fashion is more difficult and not a strong suit of mine, but I think you can find flattering looks without tailoring. Try and find reference photos of people with similar body types and go from there. I'm in the process of upping my fashion game d:

Best of luck! It sounds like you've identified the areas you would like to improve, which can be the most difficult part. Just try not to lose sight of what you're working toward and I'm sure you'll be rewarded (:

[–]sunfloweries1 points [recovered] (6 children) | Copy Link

I don't need pointers or anything on diet. I eat at a calorie deficit, which is all that matters. I'm not new to diet at all, just trying it out again :)

Makeup just isn't easy for me. I've watched hours of videos, tried it myself, and it still looks silly and bad on me. Many of the women at that makeup subreddit are already very pretty, so it helps. I've had it done professionally, and by friends who are very into makeup, and it just never looks right on me. I always look very... fake. Even with very light makeup, I look stupid. Especially with lipstick (I never wear it anymore), or eyeliner.

I wear all the right things for my body type, I'm just not an attractive woman, so you can put lipstick on a pig, but she's still gonna squeal, you know? I have a defined style that I'm at least comfortable with, and I just need to work on making the clothes look good on my body I think.

Thanks!

[–]littleteafox 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I don't wear lipstick either, rarely eyeliner. Honestly I think a lot of the makeup pics on MUA or youtube are more show-off type stuff that I wouldn't wear every day. I think it's just a matter of finding a more natural look that works for you.

[–]eatplaycrush 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This exactly.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

So for the makeup I am going to suggest just doing one thing. You don't even need to wear outrageous colors or anything like that. A simple lip colored lipstick. You get into the habit of doing it AND you also see your face change just a bit. Trying to put on a full face can be crazy and for myself I feel like I'm trying too hard. Also, maybe instead of using eyeliner to balance your eyes, use mascara. It is subtler and with bouncy lashes I always feel like a goddess -=-PLINK PLINK-=- So I typically reserve that for special nights with my eyeliner but in your case maybe just a nude lipstick and some mascara will get you started. You don't need to wear a lot to feel beautiful.

What is your hair game like?

Also, wearing your bra around the house is good but what else do you wear? Are you wearing frumpy clothing in the house? Maybe get some cute pajama dresses to wear too.

[–]sunfloweries1 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link

What I do right now is shape my brows (they're good, just need to correct the broken lines haha), add mascara, and correct my dark circles depending (they're less prominent now that I use a toner). I'll try to do it every day, and see if I can do that!

My hair is a little past my shoulders, dip dyed purple (up top is natural brown). My fiancé loves the funky colors, so I do something a little more subtle than the full head. It's growing. I have side bangs too. But I usually just wear it down, it curls well but fries easily. Coconut oil wraps twice a week, too.

At home, I usually change into one of the light cotton dresses I have. Ones striped, the other is floral. They're very cheap, and I am always on the lookout for cute pajama dresses! But most of the time they look very errr.. grandma, haha. Any suggestions on stores?!

Thanks :)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I dunno where you live but I've bought them from Primark and also from h&m. My SO always says "why are you so sexy at home???" but in a 'loving it!!' kind of way.

[–]eatplaycrush 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

Stop putting yourself down so much! After every single flaw you said you have you just added in parenthesis a neg to your own self. That is never good for moving forward and being persistent to change. It is extremely hard for someone to be genuinely straight up ugly, and if your SO has been with you for a few years he obviously does not see you in that light.

Hardly any women I know look silly with makeup on, especially when you learn to do it for YOUR face. It really is only an upgrade. I'd suggest watching YouTube videos, practicing, and repeat. The makeupaddiction subreddit is a decent source, used to be way better, but for someone so new to that world you will learn and absorb a great deal of information ranging from product, technique, and seeing how it's applied on different face shapes with before and afters. Another thing to note is skin care.. Honestly the better your skin is without makeup the less you'll feel the need to wear and it will apply way better as well. Plus, having nice skin is an instant confidence boost.

I basically live in lululemon and flannels or dresses so my fashion advice sucks, but I never look not put together even in simple things. It took me a long time to grow into who I really am and to find what works for me, but that's all we have is time anyway.

As far as weight loss, what are you doing to actively lose weight? Going to the gym is great and all, but at your stage diet is the main thing you need to totally understand and feel secure with for long term sustainability.

[–]sunfloweries1 points [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link

I'm not new to makeup, I've been working on it for years. Watching videos, practicing. My skin is also naturally nice, which is a plus (but it doesn't really give me a "confidence boost," physical appearance things don't really work that way for me) so I don't wear foundation or anything like that because that just makes me look very fake. It's just not something that really makes me look good, just silly. Like putting lipstick on a pig :)

I'm eating at a calorie deficit, and I'm not new to weight loss at all. I understand my own dietary needs very well. I also go to the gym, and have my own program very well suited for me. I gained weight after an accident--I was involved in powerlifting for a long time before it.

[–]littleteafox 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

What about mineral makeup or going for a more natural look? I use Bare Minerals and it doesn't really look like I'm wearing makeup at all. Or tinted moisturizers with spf. :) I used to just wear concealer on certain areas, blush (as I'm very pale) and mascara.

[–]StephanieCitrus4 points [recovered] (5 children) | Copy Link

I can agree that I need work on all the areas already mentioned but my husband recently "challenged" me. He said that I don't say "I love you" enough.

That kind of thing gets stale to me. I tell him I need him, appreciate him, want him, depend on him and yes I say "I love you" but apparently not enough for his preference.

I'm glad our relationship is at a point where he feels comfortable telling me I'm not fully meeting his needs. I aim to please this week and into the future!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

does he mean the actual words you don't say enough, or you don't express "i love you" to him in ways that he wants to receive it?

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

This is so important. I felt like a total dork, but DH and I took the love languages quiz together and realizing that we have way different languages and then seeing how making an effort to show our love those ways (instead of what we would want for ourselves) made a huge difference.

[–]StephanieCitrus3 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link

Yes /u/Risen_valkyrie and /u/Sunhappy _DC he actually said that he wants to hear those words more often and for me to initiate the "I love you"s more.

If I want to guess, I think it is because now that my depression is under control, we are back to the flirting and fun we had as teens. And at that time I was so needy and would say it or text him all the time to relish hearing it back.

Nothing wrong with wanting to feel needed, or wanting a little more of the girl he fell in love with back.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Sorry if I made you feel like you had to justify what he asked for, words and flirting are huge for some people, that's one of my main languages actually.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (15 children) | Copy Link

ooops! too personal :)

[–]phantasmagnolia2 points [recovered] (14 children) | Copy Link

My husband and I have been going through something extremely difficult and it is nearly the exact same situation he went through with his late wife. And, for some reason I can't put my finger on, it's made me very jealous and very mad (internally - I've managed to keep it to myself).

do you feel like sharing?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (13 children) | Copy Link

Yes and no.

Yes, because it would feel good to get it off my chest. But, ultimately no, because he trusts me to keep his secrets.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

ooops! too personal :)

[–]raksha_b 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

reading this thread was really healing for me.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

{{{hug}}}

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

He's married to you, that should be all the proof you need that he wants to be with you.

What problems are you dealing with personally? What are your flaws? What are you doing specifically to improve yourself right now?

It's hard to give more specific advice without some additional information. If you can describe the nature of the issue(s) without spilling all the details ("we struggle to save money" for example) - then that would at least create a starting point from which a productive conversation can grow. :0)

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

ooops! too personal :)

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I'm so sorry for the pain you have experienced personally and the loss your husband has struggled with as well. You're right in that this is by no means a small issue. There are a lot of things happening here, and I honestly wouldn't even know where to suggest that you start.

I hope you leave this up though, at the very least I will think on it and try to come up with something more substantial when I have a bit more time.

All the best to you and your husband.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

ooops! too personal :)

[–]StingrayVC 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I can almost guarantee that your husband has never thought that you have let him down. I understand why you feel that way, but understand that he would likely be very surprised and feel terrible that you feel this way. Not terrible in the sense that he would be upset with you that you do have these feelings, but terrible for you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you so so much.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You didn't 'let' him down, or 'do' this to him. Unless you deliberately tried to poison yourself, harm your health, and try to die while pregnant...this was never in your control to begin with. This was tragedy and pain - not deliberately planned, nor carefully orchestrated.

You can't blame yourself, or your husband's past, or anything else. It sounds like you have quite a long road to go in terms of healing (both physically and emotionally). The first step is admitting that you had no hand in this terrifying experience that has left you and your husband reeling.

Have you gone to grief sessions? Have you found other couples that have gone through similar situations? I have an aunt that met her 2nd husband at a grief counseling/support group for people that had lost their spouse. They both had children, and it's something they still have trouble coping with as individuals and as a couple AND as an overall family unit (even though it's now decades later).

Be patient with yourself, and your husband, and embrace your love for each other.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

ooops! too personal :)

[–]cats_or_get_out3 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link

You have a good head on your shoulders. It will help you deal with all this.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you. Honest to goodness, this forum has taught me so much perspective on what's really important in relationships. I'm beyond grateful.

[–]philomexa32, married 11 years, 1.5 year old toddler 2 points3 points  (15 children) | Copy Link

Less listening, more talking (sub goal, more cheer leading).

I'm an introvert, loner, quiet, methodical type of person (INTP, represent!). I think long and hard before I speak, but I don't speak much.

Recently when my husband was ranting about an issue with his mother, he grew annoyed with me when I didn't have anything to say. I thought he was merely blowing off steam and ranting for the sake of ranting, but apparently he wanted my input on the issue.

Truthfully I have lots of things to say on all sorts of issues, but I remain quiet because my interpretation (and solution) spares no one.

In a two party dispute I find it difficult to cheerleader for either party as I find both unreasonable and reacting to long established patterns and baggage rather than the issue at hand. I can offer a solution, but this pleases no one as what they really want is a advocate for their "rightness".

So I stay quite and listen, but my husband wants a cheerleader, not an impartial judgement with a side of "this is why you're both wrong..." thrown in.

I wish to change this part of myself, or at least dampen it so my husband feels more supported when he's engaged in external conflict.

[–]tintedlipbalm 5 points6 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

You're missing the forest for the trees. At this moment he doesn't want input, but loyalty. In your approach you're valuing appearing logical and right, but this is not the time to do this, this is the time to support him for the sake of union.

Maybe you can see if he is open to hearing more of your thoughts about the matter in later when he has vented and is more or less removed from the conflict, but you're not helping him or yourself by trying to be objective at the time he is asking for loyalty.

I wish to change this part of myself

You can. Stop looking at it as compromising your objectivity. Learn to read his cues and what he wants from you at that moment, in order to strengthen your bond. In that particular moment forget about being right.

[–]stevierose3451 points [recovered] (9 children) | Copy Link

I missed where she said this took place in public.

[–]tintedlipbalm 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy Link

Oh, I read "with his mother" as actually with his mother right there.

"In a two party dispute" and "I find both unreasonable" lead me to think that was the case, a debate with a third person taking place. Can you please clarify /u/philomexa just in case?

However, I still think that even in private when he blows off steam like that he's asking for loyalty and the best solution is to understand that so she can give it to him without feeling conflicted with her values.

[–]stevierose3451 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link

I agree. She can show loyalty and a willingness to sympathize without taking sides in a situation where no one wins.

[–]tintedlipbalm 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well, she kind of has to take his side, that's what showing loyalty means in this situation.

[–]philomexa32, married 11 years, 1.5 year old toddler 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

Oh I mean my husband will relate whatever his point is, and then he'll tell me what his mother is arguing. Truthfully, both points are moot since they aren't really arguing about the issue, but against years of baggage and communication patterns.

For example the latest argument was about visiting her lake house. my husband: why doesn't she (his mother) ever come visit us instead? We always have to go to her, why does she want to us to drive 3 hours away with a baby just to go visit some dumb lake house that doesn't even have AC?

his mother: why don't you guys come visit us at the lake house? Your apartment is small and there is nothing to do in your neighborhood, but the lake house has plenty of activities for a baby.

my interpretation: Its true, his mother doesn't visit us enough, and my husband feels slighted by this. It plays back into the abandonment he felt as a child because she worked so often and he was a latch key kid. Additionally asking us to travel 3 hours away to a non air conditioned lake house with a baby in the middle of a heat wave is asking a bit much. Baby is still a bit young to tolerate long car drives like that.

However, our apartment is small, and our neighborhood is boring. Visiting the lake house might end up being a welcome respite for us, and despite the mistakes of the past, this is her way of making up for the negligence of his youth. She told me once that a major motivation in buying the lake house was so we all could spend more time together.

So this is what I mean, they both have salient points, but they're both being kind of ridiculous about it and are arguing about past hurts rather than whether or not we should actually go to the lake house. I'm not a mind reader, its just a pattern I've picked up on after 11 years.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

They can both have salient points - but it's more important for your H to feel your loyalty and support. You validate his feelings, you ask him what he needs/wants, and you tell him that you will do whatever he thinks best in this situation.

After he knows you are firmly on his side, and genuinely want to look out for his needs first and foremost, then you can offer more objective insights.

Right now he's coming to you with frustrations, and instead of being his wife, and on his team - he sees you straddling the line. You can't "split the baby" on stuff like this because you look disloyal to your husband and his mother hasn't done anything to earn that kind of consideration from you.

Men want women that will stand by them through anything, and while I am very similar to you in how I evaluate situations - I also know that my first response is always going to be "by his side." He knows that about me, and my instinctual loyalty is also what allows me to share more impartial and balanced thoughts in terms of overall evaluation without leaving him standing there thinking I just don't believe in him or have his back.

Be his advocate, his cheerleader, and his most loyal asset. The neutrality approach is a slap in his face (from his point of view, the woman he loves most and invests so much in can't be bothered to be anything more than 'unbiased' when he shares concerns/troubles with her? It's insulting to him and frustrating for good reason).

[–]stevierose3451 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link

Well I have to say I admire your objectivity in this. i think it speaks volumes about your maturity to see his mothers point of view in this scenario when it is an obvious inconvenience to you to meet her wishes. I do believe this can be solved however by making a compromise with her. I believe you should point out those times when it would make more sense for her to come visit you, encourage her to visit and then make sure it is as pleasant a visit as you can manage.

[–]philomexa32, married 11 years, 1.5 year old toddler 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Well thankfully we've found a compromise. We'll visit the lake house in autumn, when its less hot and baby can probably handle the trip better. In terms of frequency of MIL visits, last weekend MIL held a small pool party at her house (only an hour away) plus she offered to do our laundry. ;) Additionally, shes coming over Sunday so we can all take a trip to the zoo.

All in all this issue is resolved. I've already started working on my cheer leading as the desire to improve that was sparked a few weeks ago. I don't know how effective it was but I made the effort and my husband seemed to appreciate it (less annoyance and tension during the post MIL phone call discussion). I admit, I still find it difficult though, I desperately want to hone in on the facts and the solutions.

But that's not necessary, no one likes a know it all. I struggle with what I feel are empty platitudes, but other people (namely my husband) don't view them as such so, I better suck it up buttercup! lol.

[–]stevierose3451 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link

I think you are smart staying quiet. This is his mother. He might want a cheerleader, but if you honestly cannot support him in an emotional rant, then you risk his trust in the long run if you try and fake it. He will settle down and forget what he said, but he will remember what you said. Do not say anything about his mother that might come back to haunt you.

[–]tintedlipbalm 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

She doesn't have to bash his mom in order to show support. She could do so in a more neutral manner, there are a lot of ways she could do it. Staying quiet could very well heighten his frustration.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

My negative attitude. I tend to be very fatalistic, it's not good. I'm trying to work on that right now, but it's difficult.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

omg i was just saying this. sometimes i am REALLY GOOD at complaining (probably the NT parts of myself) and I think I convince everyone of the same complaints (not my intention) and bring down the office vibe around me. I'd love to get to a point where I simply do not complain -- but it usually comes across as voicing solutions (which requires identifying a problem)

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

...I literally just came back from the file room where I did exactly this. The only solution I've come up with is firing the person who is causing the problems that I was complaining about, but we'll see.

[–]tintedlipbalm 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

How have you tried coping with this so far?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've tried just keeping a positive attitude, but at 28 years of age, I feel like that fatalism is ingrained into who I am as a person so I easily revert to it. I'm not sure how else to deal.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I want to be more assertive. I have a whole thread about my issues with my husband's busy times at work. And I think this problem is aggravated by me acting too passive...falling into feeling sorry for myself, and sulking, rather than figuring out what I need and asking for it. I'm not sure if this is exactly red pill thinking. In my mind it is...I think it's easier for me to be a supportive partner when I'm expressing myseld.

[–]raksha_b 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

My habit of dragging the past into the present and making the present heavy.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This may sound weird, but I am easily intimidated by people who dress well.

Instead of fretting about it, I'd like to get a better sense of style and of what looks good on me. I know it would be an incredible boost to my self-esteem! My SO is actually of great help for this. Thanks to him, I already have some pointers.

To develop my fashion sense, I monitor people around me and try to judge their outfits. (Asking myself "Why does that dress look good on X?" type of questions)

I've challenged myself to buy a dress I can wear to work.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I need to stop being irrationally jealous.

And while I'm trying to change this annoying trait of mine, I need to learn to STFU until I manage to get a grip on my jealousy.

[–]SuperSlavisWife 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Right now: I want to talk about something other than the pregnancy and babies. Jon needs slightly richer conversation and I need some life perspective. :P

[–]ragnarockette 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I need to be more disclipined. Eating, cleaning, saving money, writing. I'm about 80% there, and I know everything will fall into place once I am 100%.

[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm needy, and I am very jealous. I don't express these even half as much as I feel them. I feel strongly that these will go away more and more committed we get. I have noticed that tendency over the months. Right now we are in the final months before we get engaged and yeah, I'm pretty much on tenterhooks. I really would like to chill more. We have all these lovely plans. I feel like I want to crack on with them !

[–][deleted]  (4 children) | Copy Link

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[–]DemonDigitsLate 20s, LTR, 2 yrs 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

About the breakfasts . . . I personally found transitioning from night owl to morning person leaves me feeling more energetic and happy (I think it has something to do with more sun exposure. My mood is very tied in with the sun), but no matter how up and energetic I am in the mornings, I simply can't cook. My brain is not hard wired to cook in the mornings, regardless of how awake I am. Luckily, there is a whole world of make ahead breakfasts out there. And even if you never find yourself able to kick the night owl habit, you can always use that late night wakefulness to prepare the next day's breakfast.

I like things that can be popped in the microwave. If you're still asleep, your husband can pop a home made breakfast in the microwave and not have to "starve" during the time you're sleeping in. Things like breakfast sandwiches or sausage, egg, and cheese balls are great. You can make them ahead of time and simply freeze them until they're needed. Stratas are good, too, though they take some oven time. Which isn't actually different from popping something in the microwave, it's just a longer wait. If you google make ahead breakfasts, a whole slew of things will show up. You're sure to find something that looks good.

Good luck from someone who's been there!

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–]DemonDigitsLate 20s, LTR, 2 yrs 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well, that's good, and I envy you that! I enjoy cooking in the evenings, but even the simplest recipes turn into sludge for me in the mornings. Luckily for me I'm with a man who's an unapologetic night owl and late sleeper.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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