There was a great conversation in the chat recently about how to handle things when other people suddenly decide to comment on your relationship, or make statements about your SO/H that are perhaps less than enthusiastic and kind.

Volunteering advice out of the blue (especially when no problem has been presented), or suddenly commenting about a relationship (to either one or both people that are in the relationship) are fairly rude behaviors that can be dressed up and disguised as socially acceptable remarks...which makes them all the more frustrating to deal with unless you are comfortable being direct and telling the other person to knock it off.

One user described a relative that asked how she put up with her man. Others have shared various interactions where someone will say "why are you doing x?" (a gesture of kindness, looking after SO/H) with a pointed, borderline accusatory tone. The statements can also branch into firmer ("stop doing that") territory or flat out mocking ("are you his maid?").

Figuring out how to respond to situations where you are suddenly under attack for doing something you otherwise would have never thought twice about isn't a new phenomena within this community - but it can still be a challenging one to handle.

Sometimes these things develop because of the female social matrix and the general 'peer policing' that happens among all women. The motivations driving the behavior can vary from jealousy, to making sure loyalty to a romantic relationship doesn't supersede loyalty to the group. But regardless of the 'why' many are still left wondering if there's a better way to respond - even when they successfully navigate the exchange without getting defensive or being rude.

I think one of the most upsetting aspects is that these comments can (and often do) seem to pop up out of nowhere. I was recently sharing a quick happy story about my relationship when another individual decided to start sharing her thoughts about my SO. She utilized a 'joking-but-not-really' tone that made her commentary passable, but still very biting. Since I was sharing a story, I opted to simply continue with detailing the sequence of events, and when she interjected again with a "why would he get to decide x?" statement, I responded "because he was willing to spend the cash!" with a smile and a laugh.

When someone starts to offer unsolicited advice, it can be a bit trickier to handle. Maybe you just shared a funny story, or remarked that you enjoy something specific - and suddenly you're dealing with a person that's dead-set on giving you advice about things you don't need help with. If this happens to you frequently, it's worth taking a moment to consider how you phrase things.

If you are consistently in a state of panic or stress, or if you complain or vent a lot - then the easiest thing to do is simply alter how you share information. Don't exaggerate your emotional state, put on exasperated airs, or otherwise show that you are very distressed. You can also preempt your statement(s) with "I only want to share something that's bothering me, I'm not looking for any advice" with your friends. You have to be careful about how often you do this however. Remember that you have a great deal of control over your reputation, and a big part of that is how you choose to interact with the people around you. If people see you as clueless, easily overwhelmed, overly emotional and/or impulsive - then you can't be too surprised when they start trying to give you pointers.

On the other hand, these things can happen even if you do have a reputation for being happy, content, capable, and rarely seek input from others where personal matters are concerned. Sometimes this happens more when dealing with family, as relatives can take longer to 'see' and treat you as a responsible adult.

Navigating and establishing personal boundaries is rarely a streamlined process. It takes a lot of effort to create new boundaries where they previously never existed, so the minute you identify a 'gap' it's important to start figuring out how you can create an adequate buffer.

If someone starts to chime in about how you dress, or your SO behaves, you should keep the following responses in mind (though there are certainly more):

• "Thank you for your concern. It's very kind of you to think of me, but wholly unnecessary."

• "I understand this isn't how you would do things, and I love that our friendship embraces both our similarities and our personal differences."

• "I was relaying a funny story. When I need advice, I will come to you/let you know."

In the past, I have had people try to not-so-subtly 'hint' that they are 'concerned' about me. This always makes me laugh. They aren't picking up on any discomfort, hesitation, insecurity, doubt, or melancholy from me - rather they are tapping into things that they personally are feeling because my SO doesn't cater to their whims or bend over to make them happy.

I realized early on in a conversation that one acquaintance was stressing how important it is to her that all her friends and family approve of anyone she dates. When she asked for my opinion, I told her the only opinion I consider when dating someone is my own. I went on to explain that my happiness, well-being, and daily enjoyment with someone that I see and spend time with every day is more important than anything else. That took a good chunk of wind out of her sails, but she paddled on for a while, determined to try and convince me that outside 'impartial' observers often see more.

I understand what she was saying, and in general I do agree to an extent that non-involved parties can observe things that may be missed or overlooked. At the same time, I also believe that the only people that really understand/know how a relationship works are the two people actually in it. I'm also disinclined to take any advice from someone that sees me a few times a month (or a few times a year - as is the case with many relatives) when they have no understanding of how happy/productive/motivated/content I am with my day to day life (even though every time they do see me, I am always happy and content etc).

I would be more willing to hear what certain people have to say if they were happily married, or even just happily paired off and in long standing relationships. It's just hard for me to take someone seriously where relationships are concerned when they are endlessly dating (without success). The 'happy' aspect is a caveat I've recently identified as necessary as well, because I see no reason to heed the words of someone that repeatedly complains about how miserable they are because "idiot husband did _____ again and now I have to fix it."

I saw a wonderful quote that summarizes my thoughts not only on this matter, but on most things in my personal life:

"Don't base your [relationship] decisions off of the advice of people who don't have to live with the results."

Questions:

• How do you handle comments like this and/or unsolicited advice?

• Have you had to re-define boundaries with family or friends?

• Any other thoughts or stories that you want to share?