First off,
How old are you and how familiar are you with RPW? 26, and I've been here on and off for about a year on my main account, but I'm still learning by trial and error.
What is your relationship status? In a committed relationship.
What is the problem? (Don’t badmouth your SO!) Concerned about the rarity of sex, and I'm wondering if this is my fault (and how to resolve it), or if it's something permanent that I need to understand better about my SO.
How have you contributed to the problem? Please see below, under "Ways in which I think it's my fault."
How long has this been an issue? Probably four months, but it was waning a bit before then. On the other hand, since I've been more cheerful around my BF, he has treated me incredibly well and proves that he cares for me.
What have you done to resolve this problem? I am doing my best to research how to initiate sex; what attracts a man; ... I have asked RPW Chat for advice, and they have helped. I try being more subtly flirty with him in looks, body gestures, my posture, how I wear my hair, how I respond to him. I am buying sexier underwear/lingerie. Also, see my opening paragraph below. This question is also why I'm here: I'm seeking advice. What can/should I do?
How long have you been together? Since November of 2014.
Is your relationship long-distance? No.
Do you have an active bedroom life? No. This is my issue.
I keep hamstering back and forth about this.
On one hand, I've been practicing being more smiley with him these last few months, and kissing him on the lips (as opposed to on the cheek). And whenever I can, I remain open to his stories with an active ear; and I try holding my tongue when my gut instinct is to correct or refine what he said (petty details, not important ones). I respect his space and I do what I can not to lash out. He has been WAAAY more "lovey" with me, regularly kissing me and hugging me, and he even smiles back at me. He's even sometimes the first to say "I love you." I'm convinced that everything our relationship is perfect—except there's virtually no sex. And what I'm hamstering about is whether the dead bedroom is my fault or whether it's any concern at all, in case it might be his preferred lifestyle.
Ways in which I think it's my fault:
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He has stated a couple of times that he wants to chase me; not me him. (Since I'm the opposite of a subtle person, it's difficult for me to drop hints or be subtly seductive.)
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I make myself too available to him at all times (I read articles that this turns men off).
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I probably don't dress or make myself up sexily enough.
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Seriously: I'm a ditz/klutz. I prove it time and time again that I'll forget what he said 2 minutes earlier. (I'm working on this, and it's slowly improving, but probably not fast enough.)
Some red flags that make my stomach sink:
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A couple of months after I moved in, he said I was different from what he originally thought. In a bad way.
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He has stated in the past that he doesn't feel a connection with me like he'd thought we had.
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Well, he doesn't want to get married, and I truly think it's for the best. I feel strongly about this, too. (We're both 26.) But my hamster goes from, "This is life as it would be if we were married" to, "He doesn't want to get married TO ME, but he would be willing to marry the right woman when she comes along."
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More often than not, after sex, he complains about something I did. I'm open to taking the blame here. It's usually something different. I'm always learning something new about what he doesn't like. Sometimes, the blame is simply on him feeling sick.
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Last but not least is a taboo topic. Between him and me. And it's something that I'm so hesitant to mention here (No, it's not rape... Okay, it's masturbation). He does it without me. No idea if he looks at porn. It's a topic to be kept off the table for as long as possible. This is the lifestyle I question whether or not it's normal.
Thanks for listening, RPW. Your input is greatly appreciated.
-kat
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