TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

17

First off,

How old are you and how familiar are you with RPW? 26, and I've been here on and off for about a year on my main account, but I'm still learning by trial and error.

What is your relationship status? In a committed relationship.

What is the problem? (Don’t badmouth your SO!) Concerned about the rarity of sex, and I'm wondering if this is my fault (and how to resolve it), or if it's something permanent that I need to understand better about my SO.

How have you contributed to the problem? Please see below, under "Ways in which I think it's my fault."

How long has this been an issue? Probably four months, but it was waning a bit before then. On the other hand, since I've been more cheerful around my BF, he has treated me incredibly well and proves that he cares for me.

What have you done to resolve this problem? I am doing my best to research how to initiate sex; what attracts a man; ... I have asked RPW Chat for advice, and they have helped. I try being more subtly flirty with him in looks, body gestures, my posture, how I wear my hair, how I respond to him. I am buying sexier underwear/lingerie. Also, see my opening paragraph below. This question is also why I'm here: I'm seeking advice. What can/should I do?

How long have you been together? Since November of 2014.

Is your relationship long-distance? No.

Do you have an active bedroom life? No. This is my issue.

I keep hamstering back and forth about this.

On one hand, I've been practicing being more smiley with him these last few months, and kissing him on the lips (as opposed to on the cheek). And whenever I can, I remain open to his stories with an active ear; and I try holding my tongue when my gut instinct is to correct or refine what he said (petty details, not important ones). I respect his space and I do what I can not to lash out. He has been WAAAY more "lovey" with me, regularly kissing me and hugging me, and he even smiles back at me. He's even sometimes the first to say "I love you." I'm convinced that everything our relationship is perfect—except there's virtually no sex. And what I'm hamstering about is whether the dead bedroom is my fault or whether it's any concern at all, in case it might be his preferred lifestyle.

Ways in which I think it's my fault:

  • He has stated a couple of times that he wants to chase me; not me him. (Since I'm the opposite of a subtle person, it's difficult for me to drop hints or be subtly seductive.)

  • I make myself too available to him at all times (I read articles that this turns men off).

  • I probably don't dress or make myself up sexily enough.

  • Seriously: I'm a ditz/klutz. I prove it time and time again that I'll forget what he said 2 minutes earlier. (I'm working on this, and it's slowly improving, but probably not fast enough.)

Some red flags that make my stomach sink:

  • A couple of months after I moved in, he said I was different from what he originally thought. In a bad way.

  • He has stated in the past that he doesn't feel a connection with me like he'd thought we had.

  • Well, he doesn't want to get married, and I truly think it's for the best. I feel strongly about this, too. (We're both 26.) But my hamster goes from, "This is life as it would be if we were married" to, "He doesn't want to get married TO ME, but he would be willing to marry the right woman when she comes along."

  • More often than not, after sex, he complains about something I did. I'm open to taking the blame here. It's usually something different. I'm always learning something new about what he doesn't like. Sometimes, the blame is simply on him feeling sick.

  • Last but not least is a taboo topic. Between him and me. And it's something that I'm so hesitant to mention here (No, it's not rape... Okay, it's masturbation). He does it without me. No idea if he looks at porn. It's a topic to be kept off the table for as long as possible. This is the lifestyle I question whether or not it's normal.

Thanks for listening, RPW. Your input is greatly appreciated.

-kat


[–]Camille113254 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I make myself too available to him at all times (I read articles that this turns men off).

What are you doing to make yourself available and how does he respond?

I probably don't dress or make myself up sexily enough

How are you making yourself available when you arent looking attractive to him? Could he be turning you down because you aren't visually appealing? Men need to be aroused by looking at you in addition to the physical and mental aspects.

A couple of months after I moved in, he said I was different from what he originally thought. In a bad way.

:( I am so sorry, that must have been crushing to hear. What specifically did he say? Anything you can fix?

He has stated in the past that he doesn't feel a connection with me like he'd thought we had.

Why did he say this? How do you feel towards him?

Well, he doesn't want to get married, and I truly think it's for the best. I feel strongly about this, too. (We're both 26.) But my hamster goes from, "This is life as it would be if we were married" to, "He doesn't want to get married TO ME, but he would be willing to marry the right woman when she comes along."

This is definitely a red flag!

More often than not, after sex, he complains about something I did. I'm open to taking the blame here. It's usually something different. I'm always learning something new about what he doesn't like. Sometimes, the blame is simply on him feeling sick.

Are these complaints reasonable or are you two just not compatible?

Okay, it's masturbation). He does it without me. No idea if he looks at porn.

How often is he doing it? Most men do it occasionally even if they are having regular sex.

In total, none of this sounds anywhere close to perfect and I'm not sure why you are still with him. I'd love to have more information and hopefully we can all help you get things back on track <3

[–]katsu_rpw[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Thank you, Camille.

What are you doing to make yourself available and how does he respond?

I'm usually there in the same room or in the next room! He generally responds neutrally. Lately (over the last month and a half), he comes up to me occasionally to hug/kiss me and say Hi/ask how I'm doing. I mean, I smile and kiss him when I see him, and lately when I'm about to leave he'll ask for a hug (♥), but he's in his own world otherwise. :P

How are you making yourself available when you arent looking attractive to him? Could he be turning you down because you aren't visually appealing? Men need to be aroused by looking at you in addition to the physical and mental aspects.

Well, for a short while I was just sleeping in a black pushup bra and panties (they weren't a set), and he once asked, "No shirt?" (I usually wear a nightgown.) This is actually something I'm very aware I'm lacking (making myself look appealing) and am trying various ways to fix. I smile with him and let my hair stay a bit in front of my face (don't brush it back), as examples. While I see myself beautiful when I look in the mirror, he sees me as neutral. I don't know what to do.

Something of a recent concern (within the last few weeks) that I forgot to mention in the original post is that he needs foreplay. That I remember, I've never shown foreplay when we started dating, and I even checked with him and asked if I did so that I'd know what he likes. He told me not that he remembers. Anyway, it's something I am ongoingly looking into, and any RPW advice helps.

Why did he say this? How do you feel towards him?

Usually, it's because we're on different wavelengths about aspects of topics. He's more serious/focused and analytical, but I'm more lighthearted and tend to miss the point. How I feel towards him: I value and cherish him and will do anything to make him happy.

Are these complaints reasonable or are you two just not compatible?

I'm hamstering because it's becoming more common. The only way for me to practice is the next time we have sex, so it's a slow trial and error for me.

How often is he doing it? Most men do it occasionally even if they are having regular sex.

No idea. I'm genuinely not sure if the problem is a low sex drive or if it's me. (But I'm open to the likelihood that it's me.)

Hope this helps to clarify and not confuse. I have to head to bed for the evening, but I'll check tomorrow. Thanks again. :)

[–]tintedlipbalm8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Are these complaints reasonable or are you two just not compatible? 

I'm hamstering because it's becoming more common.

This is a non-answer. Why are you with him? Do you want marriage?

It sounds like you two are incompatible because he requires a girlfriend that shares his very particular views/approaches on specific niches, and perhaps the physical attraction is not there. It sounds like he's not reproaching some annoying habit, but your personality.

Do you think you would have broken up by now, had you not moved in together?

[–]katsu_rpw[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a non-answer.

Sorry. I meant I don't know if the complaints are reasonable, and I don't know that we're not compatible anymore. I see us as compatible. The reasons simply "exist" (back hurting, feeling sick, neck hurting, headache, feeling too gassy, legs hurting or something) and the reasons are more frequent than ever. I would generally trust him that he's telling the truth when he gives reasons against having sex or why it was bad; however, I'm recently questioning their validity because of the rise in frequency.

Why are you with him? Do you want marriage?

I'm with him because he supports my choices and encourages me to grow myself, he's there for me; and I stay with him because I'm attracted to him, and admire and support his goals. I see him as a great captain. I love the way he thinks, and we help each other through tough situations, and help each other feel better. I want long-term commitment (not necessarily marriage). I am happy to be with him. He consistently reminds me he sees his future with me, and he shows that he loves me.

It sounds like you two are incompatible because he requires a girlfriend that shares his very particular views/approaches on specific niches, and perhaps the physical attraction is not there.

I could understand that the physical attraction isn't there, but I am striving to pinpoint why and yearning to fix it. I haven't done much noticeably different (except applying makeup smarter) to myself from when we started dating. My clothes, hair and nails are the same. Well, I've bought sexier and more feminine underwear. I also practice more with seductive poses and ways of looking at him. But pretty likely, my physical attraction needs tons of work.

It sounds like he's not reproaching some annoying habit, but your personality.

Maybe... it could be that our personalities rub. But I wonder why not when we were just dating. He was so confident in his choice with me. I presume he liked my personality. So, I wonder how it's changed since he invited me to move in, and my best guess is a change in my mood. My job, it drains my energy. He also gets stressed and impatient from his job. I've been doing my best to be a soft spot for him the last several months. Surely this is another aspect that needs significant improvement, because for the most part, communicating with him (the style, tone and verbiage) is all in trial and error.

Do you think you would have broken up by now, had you not moved in together?

Tough question because I wouldn't break up with him. Earlier on (and after moving in), I had worried about it when he was expressing repulsion and being smothered. Since I've been working on myself to be receptive and understanding with him — and his "flaws" and quirks — he hasn't expressed those signs anymore. On one hand, I'm concerned this dead bedroom is becoming a habit now. On the other hand, I can see us having a future, and a more passionate one if I practice improvement. So, I have hope in myself and him.

[–]Camille113251 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm usually there in the same room or in the next room! He generally responds neutrally.

That's not making yourself available, that is just existing. The hugs and kisses you are describing also don't sound like they are designed to initiate anything.

While I see myself beautiful when I look in the mirror, he sees me as neutral.

Have you asked him what he would want? Do you wear makeup? Do you style your hair? Do you dress in a way that flatters you? There are countless books and magazines and websites that can help you improve your looks.

Something of a recent concern (within the last few weeks) that I forgot to mention in the original post is that he needs foreplay.

Okay so now you know that you need to do that. If you are unsure about how go about it why not do some research? Again there are a lot of resources available to help you, you just have to look for them.

Usually, it's because we're on different wavelengths about aspects of topics. He's more serious/focused and analytical, but I'm more lighthearted and tend to miss the point. How I feel towards him: I value and cherish him and will do anything to make him happy.

It seems like he wants someone who is more similar to him that he can share hobbies with. Do you know his MBTI, and yours?

I'm hamstering because it's becoming more common. The only way for me to practice is the next time we have sex, so it's a slow trial and error for me.

You're not hamstering he is bringing up issues that are concerning whichever way you look at it. Either you have a lot to do to improve or he is not the right guy for you.

I'm genuinely not sure if the problem is a low sex drive or if it's me. (But I'm open to the likelihood that it's me.)

It could go either way but based on everything that you said, it doesn't seem like he is into you specifically. This doesn't mean it is your fault. We don't what what you look like or how he is as a person.

Some actionable steps you can take:

  • Make an effort to look good every day from head to toe, including nice underwear.

  • Do more to inspire arousal in him - drop things and pick them up so he can look at your body, do some stretches nearby, rub his shoulders for a bit if you stop to check in on him, hold his hand and lace your fingers together for a sec while you talk to him, place your hand on his thigh or chest when laughing or emphasising a point, etc.

  • If you guys actually end up having sex, take your time and don't rush. Come to the IRC for more concrete suggestions on this specific issue. (Others who feel more comfortable can talk about it on the sub of course.)

  • Figure out what you want your life to look like in the future. If you want to be married, don't settle for someone who is strongly against it. Things don't seem secure as it is so unless you can do a complete 180 this relationship doesn't seem like it will last forever :\

[–]katsu_rpw[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's not making yourself available, that is just existing. The hugs and kisses you are describing also don't sound like they are designed to initiate anything.

Agreed, they're not designed to initiate anything, but they are new and sweet of him.

Have you asked him what he would want? Do you wear makeup? Do you style your hair? Do you dress in a way that flatters you? There are countless books and magazines and websites that can help you improve your looks.

Yes, and he's convinced he prefers a more natural look, so that's what I wear.

Do you dress in a way that flatters you?

Sometimes. This is still with trial and error (I didn't realize the importance before moving forward with my relationship -_-;), and I'm all for improving my wardrobe to better suit my form and personality. I noticed you were recommending someone some magazines over IRC. Do you have in mind a specific one - would it depend on my body type/complexion?

It seems like he wants someone who is more similar to him that he can share hobbies with.

Yes he, does. We made attempts to pinpoint more common ground after I moved here, which seemed smooth at first, but he eventually realized (and was disappointed) that we appreciate those similar interests for different reasons.

Do you know his MBTI, and yours?

Mine is usually INTP or ISTP, the strongest always being 'I' and 'T.' His is ISTP, "Sometimes INTP" (according to him), and he says he just leans toward 'I'. I know it's not MBTI, but here is a personality profile from Talentoday I filled out about a year and a half ago.

Thank you lots for the actionable steps. And thanks for your patience and understanding - you've already advised me so well in the past. :) I will put these suggestions into practice, and let you know after having results. (Keep in mind, however, that I'm a slowpoke. :\ )

Figure out what you want your life to look like in the future. If you want to be married, don't settle for someone who is strongly against it. Things don't seem secure as it is so unless you can do a complete 180 this relationship doesn't seem like it will last forever :\

This is a lot for me to think about. I see RPW (and obviously, this subreddit is RedPillWives) push so hard for marriage, and yet contractual/legal marriage does not align with my personal perspective or observations. Long term commitment does, though. Admittedly, I am now pretty hesitant about the security, partly because he and I are both 26 and he has a longer opportunistic life ahead of him. Also: although he initially talked about buying a house within a year when I moved in, he is now changing route (I learned of this the other day when he and I chatted) by opting to stay renting an apartment so that we'll be able to move around if needed. For now, I feel it's OK, but again you're totally right, because I am losing the sense of security that I felt he gave earlier on in the relationship (and admittedly, I probably f*cked it up with my poor attitudes and disrespect for him at several points).

You're always very helpful, Camille. And you've given me VERY MUCH to think about.

I sincerely hope a 180 is possible in the nearest future possible, because he's a great person (potentially even greater for me if I can only work on myself), and I'd be the most honored to support him in his life journey. But it's rough to think about, because I can't imagine life alternatives right now. And he's dedicated to me — he reminds me that he sees me in his long-term future — really, the only rough spot is lack of my assertiveness for him, and our lack of sex for me, and I repeat that I firmly believe this is on me.

[–]AkivaAvraham4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Do you exercise?

[–]katsu_rpw[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I do!

[–]AkivaAvraham3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I find that sort of thing, where a person actively keeps fit to be a very endearing and sought after quality. Good for you.

[–]SexyMcSexington3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Katsu, from when we talked, I think you are being overly harsh on yourself. How do you feel about your own self (self-esteem, confidence, personality, happiness with self, etc.)?

[–]katsu_rpw[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hi - Thank you. I feel I'm failing lately by developing codependency on my boyfriend for my happiness. While I still have hobbies, and some projects and coworkers at my work cheer me up, I still feel like I need quality, intimate time with my boyfriend to stay happy.

I think that every couple of days without sex, or every time I'm turned down for it, is a hit to my ego.

While I'm confident with myself as an individual, my confidence in our relationship has been shaky. One quality of my personality is passive, and this, my BF has said, is the biggest turn-off (of anything possible) for him. I am passive at work, too, and in my friendships and my family; it's how I've always been. But I am now striving to be more assertive (although it's a challenge because it seems so vague to me).

Hope this helps provide some insight. Still, any advice helps (and I will start practicing what Camille and others have advised here).

Sorry about my delayed reply. You've helped me see what's really going on via IRC, by the way. :) Much appreciated.

[–]katsu_rpw[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Some clarification:

To expand on what he doesn't like about me, that I'm aware of:

It's not something I fully grasp (it goes over my head). One of the things I understand is that he appreciates TV shows, movies and media stories on a much deeper level than I do. He's into character development and plot advancement whereas I'm into simple dialogues or visual effects (partly because visual effects are my hobby/career).

How often exactly:

We'll have sex about once or every other week. When we started out, it was several times a week. There was actually a point that I believe marked our decline: I got an 8-5 job. I'm sure I was grumpier, snappier and unappreciative. I lashed out and it turned him off incredibly. He was never in the mood (and he closed off from me) and it was generally because of how poorly I treated him, plus he goes through trials at work, anyway. But during the last few months, since I've been flirtier and more receptive, our relationship is improving, in that we're more at ease in each other's presence. He's more open with me. I'm more comfortable with his space. He appreciates me and the things I do for him. I'm careful and reflect on the way I treat him.

Also, to add: We're HLL.

[–]cats_or_get_out 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

What is HLL?

[–]tintedlipbalm0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

HLL dynamic (from Camille's relationship dynamics theory), means the man is high dominance, but the woman has low dominance and low dominance threshold.

[–]katsu_rpw[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well, I have an update. We talked about it the other night, and he calmed my hamster, and he believes himself that it's on him: Specifically, he blames himself for playing video games until 2 or 3 in the morning every night, which leaves him exhausted, ready to pass out to wake up in time for work the next morning, and in no mood for sex. He says it's on him to initiate more.

I'm still positive that it's on me because he has pointed out a couple of big items I do that turn him off:

1. I'M TOO PASSIVE. He NEEDS me to be assertive.
2. I don't pay attention to details (Honestly, I think this is in line with me being a ditz in my opening post. My memory can be of a goldfish, and I'll instinctively focus on what is important to me, but it's something he believes can be worked on).

Point #1 is the big one. He's more forgiving about #2, although it does hurt him when I don't remember something he's told him (Duh! Of course it hurts), and he firmly believes my attention to detail and my memory can be improved. It's a pet peeve of his, but when he's already in a bad mood, it only adds more crap to his day that he refuses to deal with, thus diminishing attraction to me.

But more about Point #1. I've mentioned that our relationship dynamic is HLL. High-low-low. I'm of very low dominance, and he apparently is of very high dominance (probably 6-8.5). Well, he's naturally attracted to higher dominance in women.

So, I am striving to be of higher dominance.

High man, low/low woman (HLL) - she needs more beta comfort and can’t stay motivated when feeling unloved. She feels he is mean or scary. There is also a strong chance of violence in this relationship which only further discourages the LL woman from being her best and creates a cycle where the man is constantly punishing her.

After practicing habits of casual flirting, smiling, kissing him as a greeting, understanding his space, staying calm to the best of my ability, he has shown more "beta" traits like smiling back at me, kissing me in his own time, going out of his way to hug me, telling me he loves me and appreciates me. I ADORE all of these things, these are things which he totally didn't express while I was being a not-always-smiling, non-flirting and non-soft-spot person. He regularly takes me out and treats me to dinner. He admits time and time again that he sees his future with me, that there's nothing to worry about. Reading Camille's Dynamic Relationship piece, combined with my boyfriend himself having explained to me basically the same stuff but from his (the man's) perspective, I've understood MUCH BETTER his need for space and his mood when he's stressed after a long day (or week) of work. Basically, I am upping my dominance threshold (and developing my RPW qualities), and he's treating me better for it.

Anyway, I have had the chat with him, and chatted with some folks here and in PPD (Purple Pill Debate IRC). While my hamster still spins some because trusted users here have commented that he's simply comfortable with me (which appears to be the truth), and that we're not fit for each other; he always circles back to "I love you too, and I'm not going anywhere." He agrees there are just some things that I need to work on for myself (and he for himself) and that he'll be patient with me.

I've concluded that the BIGGEST thing I need to work on is assertiveness. This, as I understand, will let him see me in a more attractive light and want to initiate sex with me. A bit under that (I think) would be needing to learn foreplay. But first and foremost is assertiveness (and maybe the two go hand-in-hand), because no matter how sexy I dress or make my posture, passiveness the biggest turn-off for him.

I have my goals set for myself now... Now onto planning to reach them and putting them into practice.

Hopefully this post makes sense. :)

[–]eatplaycrush1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

After sex when he complains.. Is he complaining about something you have done during sex or what? Most good men who are attracted and emotionally invested are willing to guide their partner on what they like and prefer or what they do not like. That pretty much goes for outside of the bedroom as well. Communication is key in maintaining a good relationship, but from this it sounds as if there is a big lack of it.

[–]katsu_rpw[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, about something I have done during sex. Lately, it's regarding my hips not swaying. :\ Generally, he'll point out that something turned him on but I stopped, or that something I was doing turned him off.

Communication is key in maintaining a good relationship, but from this it sounds as if there is a big lack of it.

We have different styles of communication - yes. He's well versed in figurative and non-verbal communication, whereas I take things more literally, and need to hear it spoken to understand it.

Also, I do my darndest not to nag (or whine), so I'll tell him once without reminding him again until months later. This could be my chance to bring back up the communication thing. Thanks.

[–]liftinginthemoment27 | LTR | 3 years1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Honestly it doesn't really sound like things are perfect but of course I can only comment on what you've written.

A couple of months after I moved in, he said I was different from what he originally thought. In a bad way.

How long have you been living together? How was your sex life before you moved in together? It sounds like his opinion of you changed and like his attraction to you diminished with it.

He has stated in the past that he doesn't feel a connection with me like he'd thought we had.

This reminds me of someone's comment in another post about "wife goggles". You know how as you fall more and more in love with someone that they just seem to get even more attractive to you even though physically they're not changing? And really it's because you're just becoming more and more in love with their personality? It seems like the opposite is happening here.

There was actually a point that I believe marked our decline: I got an 8-5 job. I'm sure I was grumpier, snappier and unappreciative. I lashed out and it turned him off incredibly. He was never in the mood (and he closed off from me) and it was generally because of how poorly I treated him, plus he goes through trials at work, anyway.

Was this after you moved in together? Or before? So before you got this job you were having sex regularly? This was before he told you that he didn't feel a connection with you or that you were different to what he originally thought?

While I see myself beautiful when I look in the mirror, he sees me as neutral. I don't know what to do.

Have you changed physically since you got together? Gained weight or stopped wearing makeup or anything? How do you know he doesn't see you as beautiful? Perhaps he's not vocal about it and just thinks it? Or does he actually tell you he doesn't think you're beautiful?

I probably don't dress or make myself up sexily enough.

Has this always been the case? Or have you changed after getting together?

Well, he doesn't want to get married, and I truly think it's for the best. I feel strongly about this, too. (We're both 26.) But my hamster goes from, "This is life as it would be if we were married" to, "He doesn't want to get married TO ME, but he would be willing to marry the right woman when she comes along."

Why do you think it's for the best? Is marriage not something you want anyway? Or do you also deep down don't think you could be married to him?

Last but not least is a taboo topic. Between him and me. And it's something that I'm so hesitant to mention here (No, it's not rape... Okay, it's masturbation). He does it without me. No idea if he looks at porn. It's a topic to be kept off the table for as long as possible. This is the lifestyle I question whether or not it's normal.

Honestly I think it's pretty normal. This wouldn't bother me personally. But I might question if he was doing it super frequently yet not wanting to have sex with you.

[–]katsu_rpw[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hi lifting,
I'm so sorry for my delayed reply. Thank you for your time and answers - you've given me a lot to reflect upon.

How long have you been living together? How was your sex life before you moved in together? It sounds like his opinion of you changed and like his attraction to you diminished with it.

I would agree. We've been living together since July of last year. Our sex life was great then. We dated online for about six months (with four hot and heavy visits) from separate states. He was even falling for me then. I think about four months into dating me he suggested I move in with him so we could close the distance and be together.

Was this after you moved in together? Or before? So before you got this job you were having sex regularly? This was before he told you that he didn't feel a connection with you or that you were different to what he originally thought?

Do you know what? I looked through my journals for information, and saw in November I wrote a journal entry that we hadn't had sex in two weeks -_-. I got the job that December. We had been sexually active at least a couple or few days per week throughout the summer. So, I don't actually know what the problem or cause was. I can come up with theories. His cats were sick a lot that autumn. Also, I'm sure I was still figuring out how to live with a high-dominance guy. Probably, it was a bad formula of being busy, him being stressed from work, me being passive and taking a lot of my frustration out on him, and potentially other bad ingredients.

Has this always been the case? Or have you changed after getting together?

I'm pretty sure it's always been the case. I've always dressed conservatively, but since finding RPW I have observed attractive feminine women, and I've made a point to buy shorter skirts and wear sexier bras/panties to play up my feminine form.

Honestly I think it's pretty normal. This wouldn't bother me personally.

This is a huge relief for me to hear. Thank you.

But I might question if he was doing it super frequently yet not wanting to have sex with you.

And yet this is my concern. :/

Hopefully my answers help clarify. Again, I regret the delay of my reply and very much appreciate your time.

[–]JackGetsIt0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

If you want a marriage and family and he's already come out adamantly against it why are you keeping it going? You need to have an honest conversation with yourself and him. I'm not advising a break up but it is time for a real talk.

Clarifying question. How many times a week would he need to provide you with sex and what quality of sex would it need to be for you to be able to say, "I'd like more but I'm reasonably satisfied with this amount of sex." Basically I'm asking what is the minimum amount you need to stay grounded, sane, etc?

[–]katsu_rpw[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Oh... I don't want a marriage and family. While I'm open to it in the future, I don't see myself fit to be a parent.

Basically I'm asking what is the minimum amount you need to stay grounded, sane, etc?

Thanks for wording it that way, because that is what I'm feeling: ungrounded and driving myself insane. I'd say 3-5 times a week would be satisfying. Any more, and I'd be in heaven with him. Is that appropriate to bring it up with him?

I'm scared to instill shame by bringing it up because I don't see it as his fault. I don't know how to properly word it or discuss it. I see it as something I'm failing at by not being attractive enough or appealing/seductive. While I could use his help, isn't it not his place to tell me how to seduce him? That kind of ruins the authenticity.

Sorry... I'm thinking this out loud as I go! Again, thanks.

[–]JackGetsIt1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I see it as something I'm failing at by not being attractive enough or appealing/seductive.

In relationships sometimes this is the case sometimes it isn't; but only one of those areas you have control over so it doesn't hurt to keeping improving your look/appeal/seduction.

I'm scared to instill shame by bringing it up

This is a good impulse. It can mess of the sexual dynamic and attraction if you have to tell him what to do even if shame isn't intended it could be perceived that way. Even if he doesn't feel shame you might start finding yourself less attracted to him because you had to take the reigns. Resent can form.

isn't it not his place to tell me how to seduce him? That kind of ruins the authenticity.

I don't think there's shame in telling each other what they like 'in general' with seduction and intimacy. All you have to do is avoid framing it like "you're not having enough sex with me here's what you need to do" Just find opportunities in conversations to say what you like and encourage reciprocation from him.

The bottom line is he needs to be a leader in the relationship and step up and get closer to your weekly number. I council men all the time about this on the asktrp. Male sexuality is very very oriented on novelty and newness and LTR's can be difficult for us to keep up the sexual frequency we brought earlier in the relationship. Both partners need to be aware of this. He probably knows this and he's just to comfortable in the relationship.

Last bit(s) of advice, whatever you do don't 'give up' and withdrawal affection and attention to femininity in a last ditch effort to cry for help. This will only make things worse. He will detach further and may start shopping around. Continue to show through actions how passionate you are for him, come onto him consistently, warm him up, and also encourage low pressure 'quickies' as viable alternatives. For a man it's a big ego and turn on to see how badly his LTR need's it.

[–]katsu_rpw[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Thanks a ton, JackGetsIt.

This is a good impulse.

Thanks - it's actually something I'm learning about from How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Someone had mentioned the book somewhere in this subreddit, and after looking into it, I bought it. But I'll keep it in mind always in the future.

It can mess of the sexual dynamic and attraction if you have to tell him what to do even if shame isn't intended it could be perceived that way.

We discussed it a few days ago (I was hesitant, but actually it was your post that put me over the edge to mention it to him — trust me, it was productive), and I do believe he still felt shame because his first reaction was that it was his fault and he said what he needs to improve is initiation with me.

Even if he doesn't feel shame you might start finding yourself less attracted to him because you had to take the reigns. Resent can form.

He doesn't let me take the reigns _. But he does listen to my ideas or suggestions, and only when I'm assertive (this is my main fault, I've learned) does he take me or my comments seriously.

I don't think theirs shame it telling each other what they like 'in general' with seduction and intimacy. All you have to do is avoid farming it like "you're not having enough sex with me here's what you do" Just find opportunities in conversations to say what you like and encourage reciprocation from him.

Perfect - thanks. I haven't been doing that well with him (well, I believed I have been, but they're evidently not noticeable to him), so I'll stress this from here on out.

The bottom line is he needs to be a leader in the relationship and step up

This was his reaction when we talked.

Male sexuality is very very oriented on novelty and newness

Can you expand on this, please? Or else I will do more research, because I figure I am failing here, too.

He probably knows this and he's just to comfortable in the relationship.

You're totally right - he is comfortable.

Last bit(s) of advice, whatever you do don't 'give up' and withdrawal affection and attention to femininity in a last ditch effort to cry for help. This will only make things worse.

Absolutely not! :) I'm trying everything in my might to remain calm, affectionate and attentive to my femininity. I'm aware there is SIGNIFICANT room for improvement. It's just the exact steps to take (which Camille and some others have helped advise) are my struggle.

I can't thank you enough for all of your comments. Your reply is a major help, and I'm glad you are a part of RPWi.

[–]JackGetsIt0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Can you expand on this, please? Or else I will do more research, because I figure I am failing here, too.

Well that was my point; women are set up to fail at this because men are wired to spread their seed far and wide. Show me the most beautiful women in the world and I will show you a man tired of having intercourse with her often times through no fault of her own...

We are the seed delivery systems and therefore what attracts us is new healthy containers for that seed. Now again this is biological and men are not slaves to their biological imperatives but they do inform our arousal. There's a species of beetle that lives on beaches and spends it's day seeking as many mates as possible. Which worked for a long time until humans started to manufacture shiny class bottles. Now this particular beetle spends most of his time randomly mounting broken pieces of glass instead of his females shiny posterior. Men, like the beetle, seek new experiences and that seeking is visually driven.

Let me tell you another story, this one a bit more personal. My ex wife and I were going through a dry spell when I was sitting on the couch and she got down on her knees to reach under the couch to get a ball for our dog. In that moment I caught her backside at a new and unique angle and became wildly aroused. Sex for the next 2-3 months was quite intense and consistent based solely on the new visual cue and context and we used it!

So anything you can do to keep up novelty and help your man visually is a plus. This can be clothes, speech, settings, positions, kink, role playing. I want to be really clear, I'm not advocating that you have to become a filthy sub/dominatrix/pornstar. Actually quite the opposite; even small changes from you or him mentally can help you continue seeing each other in new ways. It's like writing a new chapter in an amazing book, instead of re-reading the old chapters. It's a compromise. I think women have a difficult time really wrapping their heads around how much visualization is part of male sexuality; and how much damage you can do by never showing off or mixing things up or keeping in shape.

Women also think, "Why should I have to perform, or keep changing, he should want me for me!" and then they turn inwards and feel unattractive which manifests into actually being unattractive! Don't do that. Use the knowledge of how we process sexual stimuli to redirect us back onto you. The distance isn't normally coming from a place where we want to cheat or have grown tired of the entire relationship.

I can't thank you enough for all of your comments. Your reply is a major help, and I'm glad you are a part of RPWi.

No problem. I always appreciate when people comment back so I can keep track if a comment was helpful or not. It sounds like you're on the right track. I wish you all the best.

[–]katsu_rpw[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hey, JackGetsIt,

I appreciate it very much, and will keep everything here in mind. :)

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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