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Elizabeth Gilbert, author of "Eat, Pray, Love" and "Committed" will now be racking up a second divorce (another article. There's also a thread on PPD on this topic, so check it out when you have some time.

I read both "Eat, Pray, Love" and "Committed" and I'm now inclined to go back and comb over the books again. I remember disliking the way she described the process by which she was 'pushed' or 'expected' or 'lead' into marriage as though she had no voice in the matter until much later and she was so miserable she just had to bolt. That said, I also remember enjoying the way she described things, and that she was trying to embrace/discover inner changes (even if it was via the vehicle of outwards travelling). I remember connecting with a few passages, and overall enjoying the story.

"Committed" however left me with a very different impression. I don't recall enjoying it at all, and I remember thinking that the entire book struck me as the author either 1. Caving to pressure for a sequel to the first, or 2. Desperately trying to convince herself that this time was for 'realsies' and she was ready for it.

In either case, the author never struck me as someone I would ever want to know, or associate with (in the first book she makes a vow of silence that the 'universe' then immediately shows her is a mistake - and she needs to talk and be a guide or something). I'm all for embracing your personal strengths, but it's also beneficial to work on your weaknesses as well. Fleeing, running, and seeking change are all things that seem to come naturally to Gilbert, so I'm not entirely shocked that she's now getting a second divorce.

I do find it interesting that she was more than willing to tell all in the first two books, but now that she's divorcing the man that played such a huge role in her first cash-cow...I have to wonder if the silence has less to do with her wanting to retain 'privacy' and more to do with the fact that even her most adoring readers will be unable to ignore the smell of sh-t wafting from any material she writes about the failed marriage.

I also wonder if any women that found her first book inspiring and compelling now feel 'cheated' or 'tricked' in some way. Did Gilbert change at all? Or was it just one big vacation dressed up and polished to make people think 'this is how you connect with a deeper part of yourself."

As I said, I enjoyed the first book from what I remember, not as a self-help, or source of advice or anything. Just as a fun read.

Have you read the books? What are your thoughts?


[–]TempestTcup 9 points9 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Fleeing, running, and seeking change are all things that seem to come naturally to Gilbert, so I'm not entirely shocked that she's now getting a second divorce.

Some women think that it is their husband's duty to make them happy, and when their husbands fail to make them happy, they need to seek out another source of happiness. These women will never be happy because they never take responsibility for their own happiness.

I think that her first book was popular because it was a fun read, and because it made women think that their lives would be better if their surroundings changed. It's very easy to change your surroundings, but it is difficult and a lot of hard work to change yourself. In the end, changing your surroundings or your husband are not going to make you happy, because you are looking outside yourself for that happiness.

No matter where they go or who they are with, they will still be their same miserable, unhappy selves.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yes, I agree with all your observations!

This also dovetails with the idea that happiness is more of a trait/behavior....it's something that you work at and nourish constantly. People think of happiness as a 'result' of a certain set of circumstances/events. That's never been my experience though. Well over 95% of the time, I am happy. It's not something I force, or struggle with, I just constantly feel content and happy, even when I'm stressed because of work, or frustrated because 'whatever' popped up. I feel the negative emotion for a very short time, and immediately return to feeling happy as I set about resolving things. Sometimes it's a very concentrated "I am the incarnation of a sunbeam" happy, and other times, it's a "I'm a warm blanket fresh from the dryer" happy.

Learning to be the creator and guardian of your personal happiness and well-being is probably one of the most important skills a person should develop.

[–]tintedlipbalm1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well put! I really identified with the "warm blanket from the dryer" happiness you referred to.

Your experience reminded me of Dan Gilbert's book and TED talk about how happiness sorts of regulates by itself and it's not a product of circumstances overall.

[–]conotocaurius3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It's very easy to change your surroundings, but it is difficult and a lot of hard work to change yourself.

Seneca, a Roman stoic, has some great lines about this:

Why do you wonder that travel abroad does no good, when you carry yourself along? What drove you from home still sticks close. How can strange lands help you? If you ask why escape is not feasible, you are escaping with yourself. You must lay down the weight on your soul; until you do, no place will satisfy.

But once you have rid yourself of that incubus any change of place becomes agreeable. Though you are banished to the ends of the earth, your domicile will be hospitable, whatever its character. The quality of the sojourner is if more consequence than the place of his sojourn.

You change one place for another when the thing you are looking for, the good life, is available anywhere.

[–]Bloominglotus1110 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

There really is so much wisdom in the past..

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Most people are addicted to New Relationship Energy and get panicked when Shit Gets Real.

[–]tintedlipbalm0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Or any excitement of a new thing before it shows itself difficult.

[–]tintedlipbalm2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

and because it made women think that their lives would be better if their surroundings changed

This is a very true thing and a common trend. Women love idea of spiritual yoga retreats for this very reason, it makes them feel like they're learning something and also puts them in a scenic place far away to forget about reality. It also reminded me of your excellent post about women who travel!

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I don't believe in divorce, ever. Twice-divorced at 47, how shameful! I think people would do well to not pay her any attention; failures and people of disreputable character like herself get so much admiration, attention, and spotlight in our culture. But nobody pays attention to a 47 year old successful devoted wife and mother, who would be a much better source of wisdom and insight....

[–]Camille113252 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Agreed! Stability doesn't sell unfortunately, but at least all the happy successful women don't have everyone watching their life so closely, they are free to be themselves.

[–]blushinglillyMarried 5 ys, Early 30s4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I read the first book, Eat Pray Love, not the second one.

I thought it was OK but I was single at the time I think, so I didn't really view it with the eyes of experience. I don't recall it making much of an impact on me.

Honestly I don't think the 'movement' that happened after this book came out is her fault. If you decide to leave your marriage on the basis of one book it's your own damn fault if that decision goes badly for you.

The book and her subsequent career have only been a success because there was a market for it. For some reason people don't want to do the hard stuff in marriage any more or they have unrealistic expectations of what a marriage will actually mean. She tapped into the zeitgeist.

It will be interesting to see, if we ever get to see, what the reasons actually are for this divorce.

I wish someone would write a book about how you can go and find yourself while still being married. I work on that all the time in the comfort of my own home. Not as glamorous as Bali sadly so I doubt anyone would buy it, lol!

[–]am3liia3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

So I haven't read the books, but I saw the EPL movie, so I'm familiar with the general story.

I spent a few months traveling in Asia, and I saw this happen over and over again. I met so many people who found their "soulmate" while traveling. I don't think any of these relationships lasted long once returning home. Of course the relationship is exciting and passionate when you're riding a slowboat down the Mekong and exploring ancient temples together! But then they go home and their relationship doesn't have the depth to last in more monotonous environments.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think that's a really great point. Fulfilling relationships will be fulfilling regardless of location, just as happy people will be happy regardless of circumstances.

At the same time, exciting plans can mask tenuous ties and give the 'impression' of happiness. It's easy to enjoy yourself when everything is an exotic adventure, but I rather learn from the woman that has made time to work in her garden every day for 40 years simply because it gives her a deep sense of joy. That's the sense of fulfillment and happiness I want to master. Where the everyday, ordinary things fill me with appreciation, satisfaction, and peace. It's easy to have fun on a roller-coaster ride, achieving a similar emotional reaction just by walking into your favorite room sounds far more satisfying (and impressive) to me.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh god. Epl was so full of shit. Haha. I hated that book. Also I kinda hate Julia Roberts so it might have tainted my view on it.

[–]Camille113251 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Did Gilbert change at all? Or was it just one big vacation dressed up and polished to make people think 'this is how you connect with a deeper part of yourself."

I think it was the latter. The trips and the marriage actually just seem like a defense against change, lots of activity to avoid authentic transformation. TLP talks a lot about this in general but I bet he wrote something on Eat Pray Love, I'll check!

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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