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Idk if yall read /r/relationships but some of those posts are pure gold. Like this crazy one that just came out.

https://np.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4qfmgs/me_25_f_with_my_boyfriend_30_m_of_6_months_we/

TLDR: "Booked tickets to visit best friend. Got dumped because he was an ex. Did I just dodge a huge bullet...or did he?"

Now, you'd think on the surface....WELL DURR. Of course herr bf is the one who dodged a bullet, cuz she crazy! However, I found this one part of her post and it was something to consider.

I then told him that I wouldn't be controlled and hated men that thought they owned me and could tell me what to do. I told him I was free to see who I wanted and that I found his lack of trust in me upsetting, disrespectful and, perhaps, a sign of future abusiveness. I now realise that this may have been a bad thing to say. Again, he didn't really react so I thought that was the end of it.

I want to know everyone else's thoughts on this quote. We often discuss respecting our SOs and being submissive to them. Yes, this chick did a bad move and wanted to travel with her ex. Ignore that.

If your SO said he didn't want you to travel with anyone (friend, family member he disapproves of, etc) and was willing to break up with you over it, what would you do? How would you respond?

Is a man that wants full control over your whereabouts and company "abusive"?


[–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

Men with standards - who expect those standards to be met - are often seen as abusive because so few men do this.

R had standards when we met, he would not date a party girl, he would not be in a LDR if I took a semester abroad. For these reasons my behavior changed - my friends saw this as abusive, assholish behavior. But he never made me do these things, he simply said "I don't date party girls" So I stopped being a party girl.

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

let's play the "what's the standard your friends thought was the most abusive" game!!!

Mine was "I don't date girls who are overweight"

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Also was not allowed to smoke!

[–]KlaiFrai6 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link

Letting him pick what clothes I bought and wore until I learned some fashion sense. Prior to that I liked baggy pullovers and ratty jeans. Friends were concerned after they complimented my new look and I told them SO had picked it out for me.

Other than that, there seems to have always been this unspoken "don't do shady stuff" rule, as he carried himself in a way that said he had enough self-respect to walk if necessary. He never had to say "don't do X" because I felt compelled to avoid such things and make him happy. It's funny because he's the cuddliest most caring guy, so I was surprised that I felt such conviction from him when he never overtly displayed it.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My FAVORITE clothes are the ones he picked. He's better at it then I am haha

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

My husband wanted us to live in a house with his parents, because his mom is sick and he wants to take care of her.

My girlsfriends (except of my best friend) went nuts. "How can he expect that from you?" "You're an independent woman and it's the current year!" "No sane woman would move in with her in laws!"

Guess what? Everything turned out fine, because I trust my man to handle this situation. People often underestimate the power of family bonds.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's really sweet of him! In some countries it's very customary to take care of your parents/inlaws and have multi generational homes - it's just frowned upon in the states apparently unless your parents are 90 years old.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Occam does not date women that like to party/drink/use drugs. Understanding the importance of respect, someone that will not push his buttons/back-talk, has to be fine with certain boundaries (no spending time alone/lunch/dinner etc with non-related males).

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

NO MALE FRIENDS?? ABUSE

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

my boyfriend tells me he likes me to arrive at places on time when he comes to pick me up. otherwise, he's leaving!

my coworkers thought that was controlling "if he cares about you, he should learn to wait!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'd just come back "I respect him, and show that by respecting his time. I don't like making anyone wait because i have bad time management skills" :P lol

[–]FeminineNotFeministMid 20s, married February 2015 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Same with K. He told me early on "I don't date girls who smoke. You've been smoking a lot longer than we've been together, so take some time to think about it and let me know." And believe it or not, I've never regretted trading smokes for my most amazing partner :P

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This girl sounds insane.

There's a big difference between control and boundaries. The boyfriend in the story didn't try to lock her up in the basement, he just respected himself enough to leave a woman who was going to another country with her ex.

This has never actually come up for me. But if my husband didn't want me to travel with someone, I would respecially his wishes.

I'd ask him WHY he didn't want me to go, because I'd want to understand his thinking. And I'd also want to make sure that he hadnt misunderstood something. But yes, I would listen to him if he didnt want me to go somewhere.

Obviously this is because I trust him, I know he's not controlling or jealous and if something upsets him, there's a good reason for it.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

he just respected himself enough to leave

See -- here is where you are super super wrong ;) no man should ever respect himself, he already has too much privilege.

[–]am3liia 8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I love /r/relationships for my daily dose of drama, haha!

I don't think it's abusive if a man doesn't want his girl to travel with a certain person. Even if he trusts her, he may not trust the other party in question. I see it more as being protective than anything, and I think it's disrespectful to even consider visiting an ex!

[–]TempestTcup10 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link

A lot of women confuse genuine care and worry for abuse and control. My husband likes for me to text him when I get to work or any other place that I am going without him. Is that him being controlling? It sounds like he is keeping tabs on me, and he might not trust me to go where I say that I'm going. Hmmm, should I worry that he's about to become abusive, or is him wanting to know where I am already abusive?

I happily do what he wants because I know that it is care and concern that motivates him. The drive to work is dangerous, and he doesn't want to worry, so a simple text relieves his mind. The fact of the matter is that he also abides voluntarily by his own rule and texts me for the same reason.

I don't think that it is abuse or control; I believe that it is basic common courtesy, and it makes me feel loved and cared about.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

In the winter I ALWAYS text him once I have arrived at my destination anywhere.

When I take long trips - like 3+ hour drives I still even text my parents when I arrive at my destination lol, they love it. They like knowing their kid is alive :)

[–]Bloominglotus111 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think this is lovely personally :)

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I am pretty sure the standard response of r/relationships is OMG HE'S ABUSIVE DUMP HIM when it comes to any man wanting to have a say in his partner's decisions.

This situation is absolutely NOT abusive at all. Seriously, not even a little, in even the most favorable light to that girl. Any man would be entirely within reason to be uncomfortable with his girlfriend taking a flight to go visit an ex.

I feel obligated to say that there are situations in which controlling a partners whereabouts and who she sees can be abusive. Isolation is a common tactic used by people who actually are abusive. This, in no way, qualifies as that.

It is, however, entirely reasonable to have expectations of who is an appropriate friend to have, and having an ex as a best friend is most definitely not appropriate. It's appropriate for any woman to take her man's input to heart when it comes to who she does and does not hang out with. You, to a certain extent, are as respectable as the company you keep.

[–]eatplaycrush 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That girl makes abuse look like it's ANYTHING that disagrees with her.

If you read my history there have been some serious eye raises from time to time due to how my ex behaved. He is a DT, my therapist agrees, everyone around US agrees, and the point that made me leave was the actual abusive behavior.

Not traveling, hell..not even having male friends is something I happily did, but then it became having NO friends. The first part is just basic respect and because you care, that second part is not.

Letting your man know when you've gotten somewhere is no biggie, mainly just a concern/safety/be safe thing, but when it gets to you doing that and being texted/called and then interrogated even just going to the grocery store is when that becomes a little much.

Being called names every day, when everything is your fault, when you can't yet don't even want to leave the house due to just being accused or interrogated, you're financially not able to buy anything because he takes all of your money even tthough he doesn't need it, or you're being slapped because you said "yeah" instead of "yes" then yeah, okay, that's abuse.

[–]frozen_strawberry7 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link

I think a good rule of thumb in any long term relationship is "don't book a flight out of the country without at least telling the other person first".

this part of a comment made me laugh out loud.

that guy dodged a serious bullet. how did she seriously think that was controlling in any way?

[–]Bloominglotus111 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Made me laugh! The double standard is ridiculous, I can imagine how I'd feel if my SO was even texting his ex, let alone flying off to meet her for a "trip".

[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

She's nuts. I would never do this to my SO and he'd never stand for it!

[–]DemonDigitsLate 20s, LTR, 2 yrs 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Abusive? Maybe, maybe not. That's how you lay the groundwork for future abuse, at least. That doesn't matter, though. If he's feeling the need to do that with a good woman he's a level of insecure that is not attractive. If he's feeling the need to do that because his woman has lead him to think she needs it then he sucks at picking women, and that is a level of stupid that is not attractive. In either case, it's a man demonstrating he's too low value to waste time on.

Keep in mind this is in response to your last sentence in which you ask about a man who wants "full" control. A man telling you to avoid certain people or situations in your life because they've given him good reason to object to them is in no way being abusive, and calling it such is a pretty crappy response to someone keeping your best interests at heart.

I know I can have trouble pulling the trigger when it comes to people in my life who are best avoided. I'm always second guessing myself, thinking, "Well, maybe I'm just overreacting and they aren't intending to be creepy/mean/dysfunctional." Demon has a much better sense of when that sort of social conditioning needs to be thrown out the window, so if he ever felt the need to tell me I should keep away from someone or some situation, I know darn well he has good reason and I can trust his judgment. That wouldn't be abusive no matter which way you slice it.

[–]TempestTcup2 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link

LOL, you might want to quote the line you are responding to at the top :)

I thought you were defending the OP of the relationships post and calling the BF insecure!

[–]DemonDigitsLate 20s, LTR, 2 yrs 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yikes! No, sorry. :)

That OP sounds batshit to me. I'm glad her BF got out of that relationship.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ugh. I'm always amazed that people don't understand that men and women cannot be friends. Sure they can be friendly but not friends.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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