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Here's a link to my original post

Most of you urged me to talk to him about it. I promised I would get back to you after I had spoken to my SO about catching a glimpse of a dating website in his frequently visited tiles.

Sssoooo ... Here's how that went.

I had been checking out Reddit regularly all day in the hope for more good advice, rational explanations, etcetera. By the end of the work day, I was fairly calm. I wouldn't have been this calm if it wasn't for your comments.

I got home first and was preparing myself mentally, but I couldn't ask the question until we had finished our daily routine and were about to head to bed. I asked him: "Honey, something that I didn't quite understand occurred last week. When we were looking at furniture for our apartment on your laptop, I saw that there was a dating website in your frequently visited websites." That's it. I didn't get angry, I wasn't accusing him of anything. Simply stating the facts.

He froze a little - he is extremely sensitive to any kind of tension and he must've felt my underlying anxiety. "Ah, I thought that you might've seen that. You acted a bit weird afterwards. We were talking about online dating at work. I surfed to the website. One of my colleagues is giving it a try."

An innocent enough reason :-)

We snuggled up but I wasn't feeling 100% comfortable. The built up anxiety and past memories set something off. I was ready to burst into tears. (Yeeaahh ... Not completely recovered from the damage caused in a previous relationship.)

I went to refresh myself a bit but ended up quietly sobbing on the floor. (So awkward typing this out but I want to share the full event.) My SO probably heard me and came to ask me what was wrong. I was very closed about my feelings at first, but he urged me to open up. I ended up confessing how vulnerable I feel in this stage of our relationship. He confirmed that we have transitioned to a whole next level, with being together for over a year and living together half of it and all that. (I personally feel like the interweaving of our lives has just begun.) He also told me he'd be very shocked if I would ever leave him from this point onwards.

Then he tried to cheer me up a bit. At some time during the evening (before I asked the question) he had been mysteriously smiling. I had tried to get him to tell me what was so funny. He refused to tell me then, but he did now: he had felt the urge to ask me when we are going to get married. My heart kind of melted then and there.

Fast forward a bit: we talked until late in the night, had sex, talked some more and I ended the evening by saying "And in response to your question, we are going to get married once you've proposed."


[–]thisisopheliaLate 20s, Married, 1.5 years6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Awwww, I'm so happy to read that everything went well :)

And congratulations with not getting angry while stating the facts!

I can totally understand your "breakdown" afterwards and the urge to talk about it. You are one lucky girl to have a SO who understands that and comforted you in this situation!

And now I'm soooo curious what the proposal will be like :D

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It was my second or third true breakdown and it definitely felt cathartic, but I should learn to be open and communicate my (negative) feelings more often to avoid outbursts like these. And yes, I feel incredibly lucky indeed!

And now I'm soooo curious what the proposal will be like :D

Me too, LOL. I also jokingly added "AND IT HAS TO BE ROMANTIC. Not an impulsive "Will you marry me?" when I'm busy washing the dishes."

No pressure though

[–]TempestTcup 3 points3 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Oh good! I was so hoping that it was nothing, and I'm very glad there was a happy ending to your story :)

Now, try not to let these sort of things build up again; our hamsters do seem to go into overdrive when there are unanswered questions!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Mhm, if I would pick one thing I've learned from this experience, it would be that. Waiting too long just doesn't do any good.

I guess one thing that held me back was the justification and, frankly, also the shame of my distrust.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yay!!! So happy to hear that!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Ha ha he knew how to get you cheered up and happy - and himself some good sex.

In the process though he's thrown the marriage topic out there. That's not something guys usually do all on their own. I wouldn't worry too much if I were you.

Also, sometimes its just plain funny to browse dating sites - especially when a friend you know is testing the waters. Now if he had a profile, that would be a different story.

Be mindful not to use your emotional state (or a portrayal of your emotional state) to shit test or manipulate him. Crying in another room could be interpreted as a means of fishing for his attention and trying to get the emotional validation that might of have been lacking in his explanation (even though it was logical and plausible).

Try to keep your insecurities in check. He's his own man. Don't judge him by the actions of other men - or by some nebulous idea of all men that causes you some sort of daily concern. As soon as you saw that he visited a dating site - not that he had a profile - just visited one - your imagination immediately got the best of you. All this worry and anxiety ruined your day and was built up so much it caused an interruption in your relationship that had to be addressed. I think you're kind of lucky because he showed patience and empathy for you despite the fact that you were having a major unwarranted trust issue. While its not wrong or a bad idea to get clarity on something that is a concern, building it up to be something you need a heavy dose of emotional validation to get over isn't all that healthy.

You don't want to be THAT GIRL checking his phone and web history all the time. That's a good way to drive a wedge. Sounds like affection and closeness make you happy. Being distrustful will not get you that - it will get you resentment for you and him. What you want is clarity of mind. If he was fucking around, you'd know. You live with him. Is he home with you on most nights? You guys have sex regularly? Is he really into being intimate with you? The signs that are the most obvious are the ones you can count on the most.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for your comment and insight. I find it especially useful. Adding some remarks on things that stood out to me:

Be mindful not to use your emotional state (or a portrayal of your emotional state) to shit test or manipulate him.

In retrospect, I also think I should've saved the tears for a private moment. He always calls me out on my bullshit, though. It helps me snap back into reality. He immediately recognizes when such feelings and behaviour are warranted for and when not. It's one of the things I like about him.

I think you're kind of lucky because he showed patience and empathy for you despite the fact that you were having a major unwarranted trust issue. While its not wrong or a bad idea to get clarity on something that is a concern, building it up to be something you need a heavy dose of emotional validation to get over isn't all that healthy.

100% agree. With regard to "the heavy dose of emotional validation": I definitely acknowledge that I let my imagination (and plain suspicion) get the best of me. If I had been perceiving the circumstances as they actually were, such a 'heavy dose' wouldn't have been necessary. I am, indeed, lucky.

What you want is clarity of mind.

It's funny you say that, because I have been feeling drawn to meditation more and more, the past few days.

And hey, I got some good sex out of it too.

[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Much relieved for you !

[–]stevierose345 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

I am not surprised there was talk of marriage. I am happy for you. I am also relieved that you let him know your true feelings about this matter, even if it came down to him finding you crying, which I believe you tried to avoid. I think you have your head and heart pointed in the right direction. Best of luck.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you so much for your kind reply

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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