Why is it so hard for us to cut the BS?

classy_lassy23 · 2016-05-23T21:48:36+00:00

Ugh, this is me to a frickin' T. I am a boss at picking up on subtle body/tone language cues from other people. I can't tell you how many times my SO has had a long day or week and maybe slowed down the loving or communication because he was stressed/exhausted/cranky and I would just be like "dkfjsdlkjf.....what does this meeeeaaaan?!?!?" Of course, I've never said anything out-loud to him about it because usually in a few days or by the weekend, he's back to his normal self. Plus, I know that if there were actually something wrong with us, he would be the first to say something. He's very to-the-point in that way and hates beating around the bush. So, if it's just the normal stressful day or week, it's during those times that I try to pay more attention to what I am doing to make his life a little easier without being needy/clingy/overbearing in a "Omg let me help you feel better! What can I do? What can I do?" obnoxious type of way. When I don't act high-strung, he doesn't act high-strung. Win, win!

L1vewarePr0blem · 2016-05-24T18:15:40+00:00

Because every time we override the hamster/survival instincts and choose to communicate or act in a way that doesn't come naturally, we are overcoming the largest and oldest portion of our brains with the more recently developed cerebral cortex, which guides higher thought and gives us the ability not to act on instinct.

I mean, not that hamstering is always an instinctual function, but I feel that hamstering happens so often biologically because we evolved both to treat every abnormality as a threat (when there were no first-world problems, it probably WAS a threat) and to prioritize negative events over positive ones (this had a purpose too...you totally wanted to prioritize that lion chasing you, else you wouldn't survive).

I also read in How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking about It that women experience substantially more fear and anxiety than men from BIRTH. It is biological, and it's no small task to stop it.

Just my rant, but I think those are the main components of it. I'm sure socialization has a role, but not so large a role as we might expect. I think we should also go easier on ourselves, not stop trying, but just stop telling ourselves how much we suck! We're overcoming millions of years of justly freaking out over everything; that's not easy. For me, when I degrade and berate myself for failing in the hamster department, that makes it emotionally worse and harder to "get back on the wagon" than putting kindness and love before all else.

[deleted] · 2016-05-23T21:26:48+00:00

Oh I totally agree with this. The illogical connections made about how he doesn't care because he didn't bring the chair in... I mean cmon!!!

I also think that when it comes to body communication women are just more attune with it than men are. Not just looking for a deeper meaning but actually seeing more into it. Woman's intuition. We have a deeper understanding and connection to feelings. That's why it's so hard for us with men. They are more on the intellectual physical level whereas we 'see' emotion. I dunno if I'm explaining it right but that has been my experience anyways.

[deleted] · 2016-05-23T23:46:38+00:00

I literally lol'ed when I saw the top of this post! :-D It's that hamster! It can be used for productive or unproductive thoughts. We are good at picking up body language so we can anticipate the needs of those around us or we can read into meanings that aren't there.

maya_elena · 2016-05-26T02:20:03+00:00

Hmm, the difference in communication styles is one good theory - especially because it leads to misunderstandings! You think he said he would do it, and he was just nodding without listening. He thought you meant "come see a show with me", and you meant "come, dress nice, and take me to dinner after". And the like.

Another theory related to communication is if you don't 100% trust each other - ("Is he ignoring me on purpose? Is him forgetting to do X a sign of disrespect?" Etc.) But you get over those when you've been together long enough (else your relationship has some problems with it).

Hmm, in myself I observe several factors that affect how touchy, prickly, or mercurial I am:

-Hunger. This is universal. It's amazing how someone's whole aspect (whatever gender they be) transforms after you feed him or her.

-Insecurity and guilt. If he decides to share an opinion on something you know you've neglected - then, even if the comment is innocent, it stings like a reproach, and it is sometimes hard not to lash out. (For example, I am not the best at color coordination. Sometimes when I get a helpful 'hmm, that shirt doesn't really match those pants' from him, my first impulse is to get defensive - "they're both orange!" but I've toned it down with time.)