There is no such thing as Perfect

StingrayVC · 2016-05-18T20:29:11+00:00

Thanks for sharing that!

I think this is really helpful, especially for new members. I think that's why in the RPW 1.0 sub we had several newbs ask "how do i _________ in an rpw way?" Lots of women freak at the idea of failing and not being perfect as they come to us during a relational storm. It's vital that we all remember that slip ups happen and while we shouldn't use them as excuses, it's good to keep in mind that we're still human.

TempestTcup · 2016-05-18T22:35:13+00:00

Great post and an important thing to remember. I think one of the quotes goes like: Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good, or completing the project well is made impossible by striving to complete it perfectly.

Often, good enough is better than trying for perfection, and our husbands probably aren't looking for or requiring perfection, anyway. Perfection is a huge pain in the butt and can add stress for both partners, LOL!

Personally, in many areas of my life, I declare "Good Enough" and let it go; or as my dad always says, "Good enough for Government work!" I still do my best to get out of my La-Z-Boy (my beloved nemesis), do my stuff, and take care of my husband, but I also realize the necessity of lots of down time enjoying him and life.

I hope your life gets back to an even keel soon! It seems the older you get, the more you have to deal with stressful times, but luckily your patience does grow as well.

tintedlipbalm · 2016-05-18T22:52:23+00:00

Thank you for writing this. I've been thinking about this for some time. I am also very private and don't really externalize stuff very often, but yes, if we sum this to a collection of women who are only sharing words of wisdom and no faults, it might seem like we're in this untouchable summit unaffected by the behaviors we condemn.

It also reminds me how women (well, people in general, but women in particular since it’s what I notice more) interact in social media like there’s this need of transmitting effortlessness in any endeavor that could require skill or work. Struggle is taboo.

While I don’t think this is as prevalent in anonymity, it can certainly happen when reputations in communities are formed. This might be how newcomers regard mods and ECs, and could function as one reason some members might hesitate when disclosing their struggles openly and honestly (I recall we had a post recently where the OP used a throwaway because she didn’t want to admit to her problem under her usual account).

I want to remind women here that while certain users demonstrate more RP theory knowledge and are recognized as such, this doesn’t mean they are NAWALT in their own relationships, or that they don’t struggle or mess up. In fact, thinking you’re above something makes you more vulnerable to doing it, in my opinion. We need self-awareness.

cats_or_get_out · 2016-05-19T11:42:49+00:00

Women get so high strung about being perfect. My Facebook feed is full of over-the-top crafts made for their children's teachers or the "perfect" gender reveal party for their unborn kid (I guess this is now a thing). It's like bridezilla mode forever.

I think it comes from this idea where we believe that if it's not perfect or ideal, then everything is wrong. We picked the wrong man, the wrong career, had the wrong number of kids, etc. I see women bailing relationships and careers at the first sign of "not perfect" because they see it as an omen that something is fundamentally wrong.

Women seem to believe that if we choose the right man, career, city, school, etc., then everything will fall into place. We all say that marriage is hard work, but we rarely sit and digest what that means. I've been with my man for 17 years. We have been married for 14 years. And yet, I too, fall into the frenetic "perfect perfect mode."

I read a lot of bubbly optimism from folks who post here, and that's great. I'm happy that they're excited about their dinner/their husband's accomplishments/their upcoming vacation, etc. That's easy. But we will all face tough times. That's when we need to remember what marriage is all about and how our role--out attitudes, behaviors, and choices--can ameliorate or worsen a situation.

My husband struggles with combat-related stress and has for about 4 years. I have had a pretty grueling few years and a lot of heavy stuff to bear (grieving, etc). Our relationship is different than it was in 1999. It's not all butterflies and giggles, and that's normal and wonderful in its own way. RPW reminds me is that I have a responsibility to do my best, to bring my best self to the table, and to own my role as his wife.

StingrayVC · 2016-05-18T21:27:36+00:00

Thank you for this. I know it's not a fr in the "this is what I did and this is how I fixed it" sense. but I feel like the mods can be guarded sometimes with the fr's. Most likely for all the reasons you listed and more. So even some small insight to women who have been around years and the words of encouragement are profound and definitely inspiring to me.

In aa we always say "progress not perfection". The idea of perfection isn't something to attain, it's a slow arduous and never ending process. My life is all sorts of messed up but it suits me just fine. It is perfect for me. Not by anyone else's standards I'm sure but I'm happy and that's the benefit of always trying your best. Great post!!

margerym · 2016-05-18T21:43:28+00:00

THIS! Not one of us is perfect and we never will be. It's not only important that we accept that but also that we don't try to "save face" by only talking about how great we are 😂

StingrayVC · 2016-05-18T21:50:17+00:00

Very true. And also: most guys don't WANT perfection. They want a human being that has weaknesses just as he has weaknesses.

sierrasecho · 2016-05-20T04:51:28+00:00

Thanks for posting this. I'm just getting back to the new RPW, and it was beautifully written. I love the "keep pushing yourself to be better," posts, but this feels very authentic.

tradmarriageftw · 2016-05-19T02:48:15+00:00

I'm so glad you typed this up. This thread really got me a while back. I'm not saying arguing is something to attain to do or be proud of, but we are human and slip up. The amount of people who said they never, ever had an argument here made me feel a bit nervous to be honest.

Tryin2BeBetrThanB4 · 2016-05-20T13:29:36+00:00

This is something I needed to hear. I try to much to fix everything, and at once. Try to do everything I can and as much of it as possible. All it does is lead to me messing up, panicking, trying to fix the problem as fast as I can, and then feeling like I failed, become overwhelmed, and sometimes it leads to me giving up.

The all or nothing mentality is strong with me. I hate it. There is something I read about stairs a while back that has stuck with me "If your walking up a long flight of stairs, and slip down a few, do you get frustrated and let yourself fall down the rest of them? Or do you pick your self back up and walk up a few more stairs to make up for your loss and end up further than the fall."

Sadly, sometimes I don't just let myself fall to the bottom, but rather run down them full speed. Pretending I never made the efforts in the first place.

What I'm trying to work on now, above anything else, is slowing down. Stop, breath and continue on. Ever Forward.

snowflacke · 2016-05-27T18:01:59+00:00

The only time one can utterly fail in this endeavor is to stop working to improve.

This is so true, I have lived my entire life life without knowing about TRP. I did pretty well but I never improved or understood the deeper meaning of things. What I've learned here was the constant focus on self evaluation and the tolerance towards mistakes of others. Motivating your man without breaking his pride and being aware of your own behavior for example helped imensly even if nothing I did was perfect.