Practicing Vulnerability

To be vulnerable is absolutely a skill (yes, a skill) that must be practiced for those of us who weren't raised already knowing it.

It's a hard skill to practice, because an inherent risk must be performed, and it is not just any risk. It's the risk you are most afraid to take, which is how you wound up in this situation in the first place.

You're afraid to open up. You're afraid to give someone the power to break you. You're afraid to trust someone else with your emotions and know exactly what to do when them. You're afraid to take your well-being out of your own control. You're afraid of what it means to depend on someone for your happiness. You're afraid of what it would take out of you to begin to even accomplish this, and you don't want to preform one risky behaviour to engage in yet another (lowering your defense for the sole purpose of being indefensible).

Maybe not all of those apply, but for many the majority do. And it's a wise fear to be sure, there's nothing irrational about it.

But it's important to realize that this fundamental lack of trust, which is exactly what it's produced by, is a disservice to you and your relationship and the connection you and your partner both crave.

And that list I made above of everything you're likely afraid of? It's also well-founded. And that point I made about being afraid of him not knowing what do to with your emotions? Well he won't. Firstly because he's only human, and secondly because he's not accustomed to being trusted with them, and it will be a learning process for him as well. Be easy on him as he initially fumbles, and by practicing vulnerability you will find in him a fierce protector of your emotions and feelings.

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"Bring him your problem, not your solution". We say that a lot around here, though it's not always directly meant to enhance vulnerability, but that was a huge step for me in helping me get there, and a very bite-sized step as well. Instead of thinking I know best course of action all the time (nobody does), I trusted him with the problem and let him propose a solution to me; it's almost always better than the course of action I would have chosen myself! My SO is so analytical, and he definitely has my best interests in mind. He can offer a detached perspective and form a rational response as opposed to an emotional one. Your man can do the same, I assure you.

Learn to express yourself. Start small! But learn to say when you feel anxious, when you feel disappointment, when you feel anything...just say it! Happiness as well. Let him know every time he has made you happy that day. If he hasn't, then fix your damn attitude and start looking for all the wonderful things he has certainly done. Did he go to work? Did do anything to keep the home running? Did he take care of any critical responsibilities? Then he is working to increase the quality of your life and deserves to be thanked for that. Don't allow yourself to get caught up in score keeping (and dismissing things he has done because you've done 'more'). Evaluate every action he makes independently and praise him based on those, he deserves it.

Expect him to resist your efforts. Yup, that's right. It's kind of messed up that you're going to try this hard, and he is going to push back instead of support you. Why would he do that?? Well probably he won't believe you've changed. It will take months for him to have faith in a true transformation, months. You cannot undo all the hurt you've caused him in a few short days or weeks of being Polly Pleasant. He is going to push back, and test you. He wants to know this is a real you, and not a cheap facade that will crumble at the first sign of trouble. Which in the beginning, it will be. But just keep building that back up. Again. And again. And again. And again. Keep moving forward.

Praise his leadership and masculinity. Except to do that you'll first have to learn how to allow it to happen, and how to recognize it when it does. You've likely stifled it for so long it's a real effort for him instead of a natural flow as it should be. I wrote this comment recently, and though the context is a bit different, I think it gives a good sense of the language you will want to use. I have said every single one of those sentences to my SO, and the principles of each are applied daily to our relationship. I truly believe them, but I do believe taking the time to reaffirm my own feelings and expressing them is a positive feedback loop for the both of us.

LISTEN TO HIM. This is so simple, so important, and so hard. Stop fucking talking. You've had your turn to talk for the last how long? Stop it. Stop it now. Listen to the words he is saying. Not just hear him speak, listen. Repeat what he says, and don't add your own commentary. If it sounds awkward, refer back to the point where I say to tell him how you feel. You can say "Babe, I want to listen to what you're saying instead of just dismissing you, but honestly it feels really awkward. Which makes it even more important I practice! Please don't mind if I keep repeating you to make sure I'm understanding what you're trying to tell me." It all works together!

Practice a gratitude attitude. I touched on it above. But consciously exert the time and energy into noticing all he does. I assure you, he does plenty. And remember, "what gets rewarded gets repeated". Don't call out the behaviour you don't want constantly. That will tear down his spirit and why would he put in the effort to make you happy when it's never recognized? Instead praise everything you can find to praise, and you will both benefit from your positive attitude and graciousness.

You're going to mess up...a lot. I do. We all do. It'll get less and less, and it's all part of being vulnerable. I totally flub up sometimes and get critical of HB, but that can also be a practice in vulnerability. Vulnerability can be recognizing your own short comings and practicing humility; if you've stepped out of line, apologize without words of rationalization. The other day HB told me I was being cold via text in the evenings and I realized I had been completely misplacing stress on him, and fired back "I am so sorry, I've been stressed and that has absolutely nothing to do with you and you never deserve to be treated that way, never." He was instantly understanding and I made a special effort to not let outside negativity find its way into our relationship.

Your relationship should be your rock. This is something HB taught me, and goes into the last sentence of the previous point. Your relationship should be a force field of positivity from the rest of the world, and to accomplish that it takes years of practicing bearing your soul to your partner. It's a goal you must always work toward. It's so rewarding to know no matter what happens in life that you can turn to your relationship for protection from it all. Things going bad at work? It doesn't matter, you have your SO. Financial hardships? It doesn't matter, you have your SO. Trouble in the family? It doesn't matter, you have your SO. This is not to say having a loving relationship is a silver bullet to fixing all life's hardships, not at all; what it is saying is that none of that can outweigh the joy and security you have found in each other, and as long as it's nurtured then you have cause and motivation to keep moving forward.

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I hope this can be found helpful. It truly is worthwhile endeavor, and what you lose in defensiveness and walls, you will gain ten-fold in the richness of your relationship and the profound connection you can share with another person.