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Please help me sort out my hamster brain and do the right thing (self.RedPillWives)

submitted by RPWtrashaccount

How old are you and how familiar are you with RPW?

24 and very familiar. I am an active poster, though this is a throwaway for reasons soon to be come obvious. And its a mess because my mind is a mess.

What is your relationship status?

LTR of just less than 2 years. Its been a tumultuous relationship but since implementing RPW lifestyle around September of last year its been a wonderful one. Whatever reputation I have under my normal username (which is likely not much) I am sure my relationship or character has been under little scrutiny if any. Weve been very happy and a great team.

What is the problem? (Don’t badmouth your SO!)

This is a mess. The problem is Im having doubts. Doubts that have hit me faster than The Wall hits a baby prostitute who starts having to pay the entrance fees at clubs.

We have been happy...but he has been so busy with work. So busy. And Ive been supportive, I know I have because he tells me so regularly. And hes working so hard to build our life together and Ive been so grateful for that sacrifice but its taking a toll. We chat on the phone here and there and text regularly...But recently its been getting so much harder. Days go by where I hear from him maybe 5 minutes of phone calls and 3-4 texts. Ive tried everything to figure out what he needs from me. Ive instigated more texts and calls and then Ive tried to sit back and only had interactions that he initiates. Ive tried to make sure we talk regularly and then Ive come to peace with the fact we may just not talk much until he is out of the woods with work. I felt pretty zen the first few days, just letting it roll off my back and doing my own thing quietly. But the less we talk and the less it improves the more resentment I feel building up. I dont remember the last time we actually talked about anything that wasnt logistics or work. Maybe a few words here and there but nothing farther than formalities. It has been a while.

Heres where things get problematic.

Before my SO, J, and I were dating...there was a family friend of my parents trying to set me up with their son. He lived across the country so I never thought twice about it. Well, we met last weekend at we got along like a house on fire. It really felt like both our parents knew it would be like that. Nothing happened. This isnt about cheating or anything like that. It is about the hamster though.

Tbh, I dont think the ensuing problems are because of this particular guy. I would be hesitant to dub this a case of wanting to branch swing. He still lives across the country and ultimately I dont know that much about him anyway. So that is that. This would not be about leaving J for anybody. Please strike that from your mind.

What this is about though is what this other man represents...which is just someone else that is so much better suited for my personality. Like I said, it felt like both our parents knew how it would be which leads me to think about what partner I am and who I would be well suited for. This happening in the midst of my already struggling with Js life and "this is how it is" mentality regarding our dynamic is turning my brain into a blender of fighting the rational with the emotional and not sure which tool is useful for the job. It feels like all Js flaws are bombarding me. Except they are not even flaws..its just who he is. Anyway it feels like Im not sure if I can be with him and accept him for who he is. Hes serious, way more serious than I ever thought I could handle. And maybe I cant. Maybe Ive been making my peace with it because he is a good man. He is a very very good man. But I miss being with someone I can laugh with, we dont laugh very much. Or someone I can joke and be goofy with. Right now that turns into "baby knock it out" because its always distracting him from something. Theres no hour of the day where he isnt focussing on something he could be distracted from. Hes never going to tease me and laugh. We are never going to be playful together. And thats not necessarily a bad thing its just a thing I have to come to terms with but Im not sure I can or want to. We are a good team and a strong couple but its based in so many things Im now doubting I will value or want forever. I miss playfulness a lot and that is something J can never be nor something I can ever ask him to be...its just not him. But my god is that really worth ending a good relationship with a good man over? It seems stupid.

And I cant tell if Im letting the hamster run wild looking for reasons to end this because of the exciting unknown or because we are genuinely not best suited for one another. I dont specifically want the exciting unknown. When I first realized J was "the one" (which now Im feeling foolish for either thinking that too prematurely or feeling foolish for questioning it now and I dont know which) I was so relieved and happy. No more first dates. No more first kisses. No more awkward this and awkward that. Just togetherness and security in one another. Now I feel like I missed my mark and proper vetting didnt happen in terms of how compatible we are.

Now I cant stop thinking things like should we end because we arent a good fit? Or should we keep going because he is such a good man and this is just an act of the hamster? Or should I break up with him so he doesnt have to even deal with this because he doesnt deserve it? Or would that be the ultimate disrespect, to make a captain-like decision to end our relationship without letting him say what he does or doesnt want?

How have you contributed to the problem?

Well my brain is the problem so I guess there is that. It just doesnt feel like a problem either one of us has contributed to. It just seems like a situation that is and needs resolving and I dont know what my role in that is or should be.

How long has this been an issue?

The intense loneliness and struggles spurred by his work schedule have been going on for a while, but they hit a threshold about two or three weeks ago that I've been really struggling with. Then the part where I go off the deep-end has only been the last 4-5 days.

What have you done to resolve this problem?

I spoke to him vaguely about it because our communications have been getting shorter and shorter and the more resentful I get the shorter my texts get. I finally cried and told him that for the first time in our relationship things dont feel secure for me and I missed him a lot. He told me he felt vulnerable hearing our relationship was threatened while he is far away and not around to fix it.

We moved hell and high water to get together this weekend...but he is very busy with work. The whole drive to him I tried so hard to fight the hamster and keep in good spirits and I actually was when I showed up. But I just wanted to have sex with him so badly and feel connected and he had work he had to do. I fell asleep because Ive been sleeping less than 5 hours a night and he woke me up after midnight to fool around...I didnt say no, I said I would and asked what he wanted to do, but I was so tired and asleep that there was no way it sounded enthusiastic and I barely opened my eyes...he sounded hurt and said we didnt have to and then I fell back asleep without meaning to.

This morning I woke up feeling like death from the whole situation and laid in bed pretty much catatonic. He was worried and kept asking me questions but I didnt have any thoughts together, just raw emotion so I didnt want to say anything I would regret. He had to leave for work and as far as our day goes its on me to go to him later and help him because he wont be able to come home for a while. He said he hated to leave me like that. Im still in bed feeling like death.

If married or in a committed, monogamous relationship: How long have you been together?

Shy of two years.

Is your relationship long-distance?

Yes because he travels to work sites but we see each other 2-3 weekends a month so its not all bad. It has been LDR for about a year now. Before that we were in the same city. We want to move in together in the next 8-12 months, he would still have business trips but not so much.

Do you have an active bedroom life?

I thought we did but now thats another part of the situation thats killing me. We do have sex, and it isnt bad sex at all. But its not great or loving or passionate or anything like that either. It used to be Im pretty sure. I think its because of his work too, honestly. He cant unwind enough to do anything like that. It lasts an okay amount of time but its kind of routine at this point. Its been happening less and less too. If we see each other for 3 days we usually have sex one day and then oral or something one day and then nothing one day. I would have sex with him every day if we could. I dont think its mismatched libido though, its newer that he cant unplug long enough to think about that.

Oh and I also want to discount any suggestions he is working as an escapism. Im as close to 100% sure as I can be that he is truly just trying to establish himself and secure his place in his field. Im trying to be supportive of that notion but the cost is high and getting higher with all these thoughts I cant stop.

I feel like I can see every side of this situation and Im going insane. The side where it is on me and my hamster and I need to stay and work it out because he deserves that. The side where it is on me and my hamster and I need to break up with him because he deserves to be done with me. The side where it is on me and not vetting well and we need to break up because we are not a good match. The side where it is on him and his work schedule and I need to stand by him and support him. The side where it is on him and his work schedule and I need to get out of his way so he can focus.

Im embarrassed by my thoughts and actions and inability to see the situation with a clear mind and do what is best for both of us.


[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The intense loneliness and struggles spurred by his work schedule have been going on for a while, but they hit a threshold about two or three weeks ago that I've been really struggling with. Then the part where I go off the deep-end has only been the last 4-5 days.

So this is a recent problem AND it's going to be resolved in under a year:

Yes because he travels to work sites but we see each other 2-3 weekends a month so its not all bad. It has been LDR for about a year now. Before that we were in the same city. We want to move in together in the next 8-12 months, he would still have business trips but not so much.

LDR's suck, but you have an end date. Right now is very hard, and you are reminiscing because you feel distant and insecure. Just stop feeding the hamster.

When is your next visit? Can you schedule one sooner?

It's not easy to be away from your SO, especially when they are really busy, the good news is that this is temporary. You are questioning the relationship not because things are bad, just because they aren't lining up with your ideal. If he's a good man, and you love him, it seems a shame to throw all of that away when you're just shy of solving the problem.

[–]RPWtrashaccount[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well it wont be resolved resolved in a year -- itll just be an improvement. Its hard to say right now how much of an improvement though. Neither J nor I could know so I cant ask him. If heshome and he's home and we can together, that would be huge! Im not sure it satisfies my fears about our relationship dynamic though. We dont laugh or joke around and theres never really lightheartedness. Its hard to feel so heavy all the time.

Then there is the part where what if it doesnt improve in a year, and his work is his work. Thats a long time to wait and be unsure of things and then them not working out. His work doesnt have any expectations to change in that time, it is only the matter of signing a lease that may change. Thats all the 8-12 month range is and idk if a lease fixes this.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Okay, I have a take on this but first, can we clarify something? You say this:

[Dating] Shy of two years.

and also this

It has been LDR for about a year now.

So before I answer, I'm curious to know exactly how long you were dating (in months) before you became long distance.

[–]TempestTcup 5 points5 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Good question! It sounds like they dated for a little while, have been LDR for a year, and will continue to be LDR for another year or so before the end date of the LDR. So, dating a few months, and then rarely seeing of talking to each other for two years before moving in with each other, and there is already dissatisfaction in the relationship.

OP, do you/can you really know him? Are you willing to spend another year in a relationship as it is today, in the hopes that it will become better in a year?

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Right, that was what I wanted to get at. There seems to be a lot of uncertainty involved, as OP isn't sure that their LDR issues will be resolved in a year, from the sounds of it.

Well it wont be resolved resolved in a year -- itll just be an improvement. Its hard to say right now how much of an improvement though.

The subject of youth is a tricky one for women in relationships. Banking on uncertainties for years at a stretch can be quite a gamble.

Edit: u/RPWtrashaccount, I think there is more than one issue at play here. There is the LDR factor which other people have touched upon, but I want to get at the compatibility issue you're feeling. I want to ask: when you picture yourself settled and living with your SO in the future... when you picture building a life with him, is that a satisfying prospect?

You keep mentioning that you desire a sense of playfulness and levity which you don't have with your SO. Can you accept that you might not ever have that? Is it going to be ok with you 10 or 20 years from now? Can you love your boyfriend, without a trace of resentment, for the serious man that he is?

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I dont know if this is RP advice, but i really believe there are times when you have to tell your man that a situation is hard for you to deal with. Yes, obviously you have to be understanding of his extremely tough work schedule, especially since he is working for your shared future. Yes you have to be supportive. But it's only natural to be upset if he is really never available for you -- if he always asks you to "knock it off" when you talk, or never has time for a real conversation, or works past midnight on the day you come to visit him. Don't get me wrong, I know, these things happen! But it sounds like these things are happening a LOT and you two aren't dealing with them, you're just trying to be sweet and considerate and its leading to extreme resentment.

That's why I think it might be wiser to voice to him that you're having a tough time, obviously in a loving way. Dojt dwell on it. But i think he deserves to kmow how youre feeling, and why, so that he can possibly improve things. And maybe you can find a small way to start connecting better.

Maybe you could aim for a phone call once a week? Some time when he has half an hour, long enough for you both to relax and get past the logistics and work talk, and remember why you fell in love in the first place? And maybe you can try to plan your next visit sooner rather than later? Maybe if he knows he'll be working until midnight, you can take a nap and wake up refreshed, ready for some couple time?

My husband goes through periods when he works long hours, and I find it tough. But I trust him to try hard to balance work and home. And we also have some basic schedules in place -- Sunday is ALWAYS family day, for example -- so that in a crazy busy week, me and the kids can always look forward to Sunday : )

Also, if your mother is talking about fixing you up with other guys, she might not be the best influence right now! Try to surround yourself with people who like and respect your SO.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

My husband works away a lot. There was a really good post a couple weeks back along the lines of "are you lonely or just bored", I had been feeling intensely lonely and upon really I realised I had to stop focussing on the loneliness and find myself some happiness/hobbies, I could not expect my SO to entertain me all the time. Sorry If that doesn't make sense, i'm pre coffee. If anyone knows the thread i'm talking about could they please link.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

That makes perfect sense. Here is a link to the post you're referring to by /u/stevierose345

https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/4e81b3/are_you_really_lonely_or_are_you_just_bored_being/

[–]RPWtrashaccount[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're very welcome.

[–]RPWtrashaccount[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thats a really good point about maybe having expectations that he is supposed to entertain me all the time. I never thought of it like that. But how do you feel like you keep connected with your husband as your partner when he is busy? That is the part that I am struggling with and trying to explain to kittenkajira in another comment string. We do text sparsely and talk on the phone here and there but there is so much substance missing I get unsure how much of a relationship we even have sometimes. Another user called me out on being insecure so that is something I will workout myself but I still think there is the hanging question of connection vs force of habit.

[–]Kittenkajira 5 points6 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

First, since your hamster is driving you insane, get off Reddit for a couple of hours and go do something that makes you happy. Pick something that will keep your mind busy and/or entertained so that you can stop thinking in circles. Go shopping, call a friend to meet for an impromptu lunch, etc.

After you're on the other side, then it's time to work through the doubts. Make a pro/con list about your boyfriend. I think you'll find that there are many more good things about your relationship than bad, and that it's worth sticking around for.

[–]RPWtrashaccount[S] 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

I am at Js place right now while he is at work, far from home and friends and stuff /: hes coming over later and I guess we will talk then because I told him on the phone this week that I was feeling insecure. I mean, we have barely talked in like two weeks. I tried so many ways to look at the situation to be more okay with it but I just began getting cold toward him when our interactions every day are

7:56 J: good morning baby, I love you and hope you have a good day today

8:02 Me: love you too handsome, thank you and hope your day isnt too stressful

2:34 J: how's it going?

2:37 Me: slow day at work but it's good, how about you?

9:45 J: still awake?

Thats how its been. Then maybe we talk on the phone but its all work. And the hamster has been driving me wild all week. I tried not to post here because I knew it would be awful word vomit but I really wanted some perspective because I know Im letting the hamster get away from me.

[–]Kittenkajira 3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

So since you're at J's place far from home, there isn't anything you could possibly go do right now that makes you happy? I don't buy it. You'd rather sit there and work yourself up to blow when he gets home.

What is wrong with those conversations? If you want to talk about things other than work, then START TALKING ABOUT THINGS OTHER THAN WORK.

[–]RPWtrashaccount[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

Just that when its your whole interaction day after day, there isn't much there. Thats not substance or connection or anything. Thats two formalities and one more check in. Its hard to talk about other things not work because thats what he talks about and where his brain is and he loses time and interest if the conversation migrates too far or it always gets pulled back. I mean if you can reframe how 4-5 texts like that every day can be a good relationship then I am all ears, truly.

You are right about doing something with myself right now though. I will definitely go explore or do anything more productive than just sit around so thank you

[–]Kittenkajira 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Just that when its your whole interaction day after day, there isn't much there. Thats not substance or connection or anything.

I mean if you can reframe how 4-5 texts like that every day can be a good relationship then I am all ears, truly.

You are long distance right now. It's nice that he's checking in with you several times a day - most men who are that busy wouldn't. He's initiating conversation, and still telling you he loves you and wants to build a life with you. What more do you want?

[–]RPWtrashaccount[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

So I guess just feel lucky that we talk at all? Its hard for a days interaction to be "good morning" (no response) "how are you?" (no response) and "good night" (no response) especially when its day after day.

[–]Kittenkajira 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

In your post above, all the examples had him initiating conversation. So are you now saying that you are texting him several additional times a day with no response, or that he never texts you and doesn't respond to yours? You are contradicting yourself.

[–]RPWtrashaccount[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That was just one days example. And I try not to initiate as to not bother him because he does text me when he is free. Its just not that often as you can see. To make more sense a different day could easily look like this

8:02 Me: Just got to work babe, love you and hope your day is going well

11:36 J: Busy busy baby, I miss you

11:39 Me: I miss you too! Hope nothing too crazy going on in your world

5:46 J: How are you babe?

5:54 Me: Good, just got home from work. Do I get to hear your voice later?

9:22 J: Still awake? Can talk for a few.

Then we talk for 5-7 minutes about work. So itsboth of us initiating and both of us responding. I just try not to be a bother and send out texts if I already have a loose one floating to him because if he wasnt busy he would have texted me or responded. But he is busy. A lot.

[–]OrganicSprout 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

From what I'm reading this sounds like a short term issue that will resolve itself. What do you think needs to be done?

[–]RPWtrashaccount[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I dont know if it will resolve itself...there is nothing related to his work that changes directly in 8-12 months. That is just when he thinks we may be in the position to sign a lease together.

And Im not sure. I think I need to get my shit together before I drag him through any bullshit of my own creation. Thats a fact.

[–]L1vewarePr0blem30 / LTR 4yrs 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh gosh, first of all HUGS.

Almost all of this post could have been written by me, as my partner and I are going through a similar crazy-stressful time. He has been at 100 hours/week (and that's not my hamster; we sat down and figured out that it is literally 100 hours) for four-and-a-half months now, with a tentative ending sometime in two weeks but a lot of the outcome (financially speaking) still up in the air.

I get this kind of hamstering; really, I do. It's hard to dismiss all of your feelings as hamstering, too, because being the support structure for that kind of insanity over a period of time is hard as hell. I speak from first-hand present-tense experience. My partner and I are not long-distance, and in a way this is quite nice, since at least we get physical contact, snuggles, kisses when cortisol levels aren't prohibitively high, but in a way it makes my "support" portion even harder.

I have two jobs, and naturally I have taken on all household tasks, all childcare (his child, not mine!), and all positivity brigade duties ;) I've had to drastically upgrade ALL my game, because there is literally no time for bullshit. If I'm gonna be with him, I have to be present, supportive, communicate clearly, hamster minimally, and if I do hamster be able to communicate it in one clear sentence in a way he understands.

Pretty much the only thing that has kept me sane, however, is upgrading my self-care. We don't have a ton of money to play with (why the 100/hrs a week is happening, ha!), but in tiny ways I say "yes" instead of "no" to myself. This means an hour in the acupuncture chair specifically to treat stress and anxiety, guided meditations, transcribing and translating ancient texts (I find this very soothing), getting myself a "treat" at Whole Foods (not sugar, like a nice candle or a new nail polish) when I have to go, and a bunch of other little things. My beautiful man is totally falling apart in front of me, and I need to do what I need to do to make sure I am still a sane, constant force in his life. Perhaps you could figure out what little things restore and refresh you, and incorporate a LOT more of these? When you give to yourself you find it within yourself to give to the relationship a little more, and a little more... this has been true for me.

I'm not gonna crucify you for thinking of what it would be like to be with someone else, either, because I have gone through cycles of this the last 6 months during my more "down and totally at a loss" times. And this is for a man I was totally sure of the moment I saw him! When you're in the middle of a time like this, and your emotional reserves are depleted, it's incredibly easy to forget the good times and the times you do laugh your head off and connect like crazy, and those times are exquisite. For me, right now, is one of those down times. My partner is no longer sleeping much, is having heart palpitations, can't smile, can seldom make eye contact, and is doing so very very poorly. A lot of this stress physically translates over, so I feel thin and shaky and just generally shitty even though I'm holding it together and doing everything I can to help. Unfortunately, there's only so much we can do to help. It's like a survival mechanism somewhere kicks in and says, "too much cortisol...must find new mate" and I start "checking out" other guys in a potential-mate way even when I DO NOT want another mate. I want mine, just human and functioning.

But yeah, I have a crazy-intense and project-driven man too. He is both inspiring and maddening. But would I really go for the alternative (laid-back man who was significantly less inquisitive and driven?)? Nah, I just feel like I might when I need a friggin' break.

Don't break up with him because "he deserves to be done with me." I feel that all women hamster, and all women hamster really severely sometimes. This thought is in itself really hamster-y.

There's my text-wall of madness, just to let you know you're not alone! ;) Off to drink a green juice and sit in the sun, and then for some meditation. Delay total insanity for one more day!

[–][deleted]  (7 children) | Copy Link

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[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I could be wrong - but from her description (which I initially mis-read) she went on that date before she started dating J. Now that she's feeling lonely and distant - she remembered that date and is reminiscing about that man, and that memory has become the catalyst that unleashed all these other thoughts.

[–]RPWtrashaccount[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

No sorry for lack of clearness, there was absolutely no date at all. And if it was an issue of reminiscing I would be the first to say that it would be idealizing a person you dont know at all and have separation from their flaws and it wouldnt be smart at all to do that.

Before J and I met, my family and this mans family wanted to set us up. I didn't take it seriously (and still dont). This weekend our families got together and we met (this past weekend). But all time spent together was in large groups. No date or anything similar.

I would say the biggest thing that triggered these thoughts were watching his parents. Not him directly aside from just generally getting along. His parents (our family friends who I know well) are just a really well rounded couple with great values and who have so much fun together. It made me realize I dont think J and I have fun almost ever. All we do is talk about work and maybe our families but work is the basis for 95% of our interactions together and I dont know that there is an end in sight. That may just be our dynamic.

[–]RPWtrashaccount[S] 3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

WE WERE NOT ON A DATE!!

No! Our families just got together for the weekend and we met! All time was spent in groups, and any alone time was strictly doing larger tasks (cleaning the kitchen or similar) for the parents. There was no date.

Quick edit: Again he lives far from me and we dont know each other for shit. This isnt about him in particular but just about the thoughts started by meeting someone my family thought "matched" me (a long time ago) and realizing they had at least a few things right that I am not seeing in J. Ive never been with someone so...serious all the time. I have had other SOs where we did have a lighter element. Thats not fair to compare them to J but Im just saying this relationship is very different and I dont know if that is good or bad.

[–][deleted]  (3 children) | Copy Link

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[–]IcanneverremembermyMid 20's/LTR/2.5 years 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You make a lot of excellent points here in your post. But I have a question about your line of thinking. If relationships are 95% work and effort, at what point does the effort become... not worth it? I mean, at what point does it go from being a relationship to being roommates who have sex? If 95% of your interactions with him are effort based that means only 5% are genuine we-like-each-other fun/happy moments. When does being happy and having fun together stop to matter? Surely having happy moments matters somewhat too.

[–]RPWtrashaccount[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Youve given me some good points to think about. I know its obvious from my post I have total hamster brain I just cant figure out how much. You are right about there being insecurity issues and then maybe compatibility issues also. I will work on the insecurity part but I dont think compatibility can be worked on so I will think more about what is important to me or what I am just freaking myself out about.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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