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We say over and over again that our happiness is dependent on only ourselves. Even in difficult situations this is true. We have a choice on how to handle the things that come our way and how to deal with them. Happiness is a decision that we can make, even when times are hard.


[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ooo I love this. Thanks for posting it. I know I used to rely heavily on others to make me happy. I'd cry "I just want to be happy" without realizing that it was totally within my power to do so.

[–]Borsao662 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My mom, who is a steaming heap of work, did have a few good sayings, one of which is:

"Happiness is an inside job."

[–]Kittenkajira2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

  1. First and foremost, don’t compare your marriage to other people’s.

This is such an important lesson. It's one I still catch myself doing, mainly just online.

I am with a quiet man as well. He once told me "no news is good news", which he explained as meaning if he's quiet, then all is well. If I make an awesome dinner, and he says nothing but sits quietly and eats it - that should be taken as a complement in his eyes. So many will cook that awesome dinner just to get a pat on the back, and when they don't, they're sad. I agree, it's up to us to be happy.

[–]StingrayVC[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

My husband doesn't say much about meals either. I know when I've done a very good job when he says so or if he grunts. That small grunt he will make is far more of a compliment than any words he could say. ;)

[–]Kittenkajira0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Aww. I often wonder how much I miss, being hearing impaired. For the most part I think I can tell from looking at his face. :)

[–]lady_bakerEarly 30s, Married 8 years, together 100 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

So many will cook that awesome dinner just to get a pat on the back

This is my constant unwanted companion - doing things, saying things for praise. When I recognize it, I swat it down and immediately change direction, and I'm long past "faking," but am very guilty of chiming in or signaling if it is a conviction/plan I've already got. Why such desire for approval, for praise? How to refocus so that meeting his needs is the reward in itself?

[–]StingrayVC[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Why such desire for approval, for praise?

We women love to be admired. My theory is this is how women view respect and how we want to be respected.

How to refocus so that meeting his needs is the reward in itself?

Know what he likes, know what it is that you have to do and do it well. Recognize that you are doing it well or if you could improve and improve as necessary. Let doing a good job be it's own reward.

Having said that, I am very much like you and my husband knows it. LOL. I noticed that when I stopped doing things for praise and rather doing them because they needed to get done he was more ready with his praise. He knows I love it, but he also knows that know I do things to get them done so he's more ready with this.

The other side of the coin is that I am not needing his praise like I used to. I see what I've accomplished and that is enough. If he doesn't say anything or not notice, it's no longer a big deal because I know what I've done.

You can get there. Just recognize for yourself what you've accomplished and know that is the end in and of itself. Not your husbands reaction to it.

[–]Kittenkajira0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

These questions you've asked about seeking approval would make a good advice post. :)

[–]tintedlipbalm0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is about character values, essentially. It's natural to want approval to an extent, and especially that of your husband, but let's also remember virtue is often its own reward. I am often pleased to have done something a certain way because of the knowledge that I did it right, regardless of praise. Of course, a balance is needed, and no one can go their whole life receiving absolutely no positive feedback, but we also have to be wary of transactional thinking.

but am very guilty of chiming in or signaling if it is a conviction/plan I've already got

Can you elaborate on this? I'm not sure I understand. I have some vague knowledge of your situation and I remember you've been told you tend to do covert contracts.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I totally love this and agree. I am no longer an advocate of victim thinking where people say "why did this happen to me?" or "i'm gonna wait and see what happens" as if you do not have an active role in your own life and experiences. To be happy takes initiative and action. I WANT to be happy. I AM happy. I WILL be happy. It's something we have to make happen for ourselves.

I realized this with my interpersonal relationships. Those who do not make my happy, actively, why keep them around? Saying "I wish they would leave me alone" is weak. You have to remove them from your life if you want any peace.

Or with boyfriends/SOs/husbands. If you have a crappy relationship and you want it to better, you have to put the onus on you to make it better. No one else can. You can only control you.

Thank you for the quickie post! :D

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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