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Hi ladies. I'd love to hear from anyone who has successfully integrated their own children with their partner. Tips, advice, horror stories and happy endings all welcome !

We don't currently live together , I don't believe in co-hab before marriage for myself, partner sees my 2 children 1-2times a week and is keen, involved, affectionate, loving and is definitely thinking about the future. He's said "our wedding" "our honeymoon" "when we are married" etc many many times. especially the last 2 weeks.

I'd like to get a head start on avoiding issues.

Edit to clarify - I have two children. He has none. I have an ex husband, he has not been married before. We don't want children together, have discussed it at length and are both positive.


[–][deleted]  (6 children) | Copy Link

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[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Wonderful thank you. I wholeheartedly agree with your last two points. I expect precisely zero childcare or babysitting from him, he knows this. He volunteers this anyway.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I love this, BSC. Thank you for your thought and sharing on this ...I'm definitely going to bear this in mind. I do think my man is the right captain for all my family, and I had strong suspicions about this during the 5mths we dated before I intro'd him to my kids. So far it's been proven. Hrs never lost his temper and has endless creative ideas how to help one of my kids who has some issues. He's brought a lot to the table.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

He's marrying a family, that's true. But ultimately they aren't his kids. I don't recall either of my parents expecting much childrearing from their live-in SO

I married my husband and he has two very young boys (5&9). This is huge. One of my husband's earliest mistakes was that he put a lot on me. He began treating me right away as the mother of the house. I had no children of my own at the time and it was aggravating to me because I would clean up after these kids, break up fights, discipline and he got to be the fun dad. Do you think it was easy to bond with the kids when that was our family dynamic? It wasn't. I resented the days they'd come over.

When we talked about and realized the problem my husband stepped up and stopped sticking me with the parenting so I could cultivate a relationship with the kids. Now, three years later, yes I am a parent. But I now have a relationship with the boys. I love them. Now it doesn't feel like such a sacrifice (as often) to do things for them and with them.

So definitely, even though he will be their stepfather, don't dump father responsibilities on him. Let him step up and take the ones he wants and leave the rest.

Don't ever nag him about your kids. In time, he will love them, but they are not his. It's a distinct and fine line, I don't know how to explain it. But you need to make sure that you are always bearing he brunt of the children and never take what he does decide to do for you and the kids for granted. That is the worst feeling as a step parent.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you, but it really wasn't always this civil. Before we were married I was resentful and would throw it in his face a lot. But post red pill (I found red pill 6 months married) I just tell him "I can't do it," and he knows. Huge thanks to Laura Doyle for teaching me it's ok to say that! ❤️

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

  • don't side with the ex-wife
  • don't tell him how to parent
  • be a positive adult example of what a loving wife looks like
  • [EDIT] misread sorry.

[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Thanks :)

Love the third bullet point.

He doesn't have an ex wife x

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

that helps. I had that issue where my ex bf's ex wife was always around without ever being around. it was annoying. dodged a bullet.

[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can imagine that was annoying. I feel for my SO as I try not to talk about my ex husband but I can't stop my children doing so. He doesn't seem remotely concerned or bothered.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

So I am doing this right now. He has 2 daughters (10, 11) and I have 1 daughter (15). So it has been interesting to say the least. Here are a few things that I have noticed and/or tried that have worked for me. I won't talk about what it was like for me with his kids but more what it was like for him with my kid.

  • Realize that he is another father figure in your kids life. Do not deny him that or deny yourself that. Inasmuch that you need to demonstrate to your kids how you treat a man who is head of household (or will be).

  • He should be the one initiating one-on-one time with your kids but you can tell him that you would like that.

  • I would go to the /r/ step kids or step parents subreddit and check out some posts over there. There are some great book resources that are recommended. I read the Step-Motherhood by Cherie Burns and I found it a treasure trove of good information. So I am assuming that maybe the other books might be good too. I'm a book worm and also a self help book junkie so this really hits the nail on the head for me.

  • Always acknowledge that you appreciate ANYTHING he does for your kids. They are not his. He doesn't have to do anything for them. So be grateful and show it. He will cook for us sometimes and it always amazes me how much care he takes in preparing her food. I always remember to thank him for including her and being kind to her. Even if it is as small as making her a grilled cheese.

  • Never bad mouth your ex to him. That is just a general no no but moreso because you have a kid with this person you are badmouthing. That is just an added layer of ugly.

That is really all I can think of. My kid is older so it isn't much he can do by way of helping to raise her but she is at an age where she is starting to be all about the boys so I'm just trying to set the best example I can in showing her what a good relationship looks like.

[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is really practical advice,CQ, thanks ! Something I can really apply. Nice to know someone else is in the same situation. I think it makes it harder in some ways but it also means there's double the amount (at least) to be grateful for, when your man doesn't have to do a damn thing and they go over and above, it really means something. I made it clear early on that my man was dating me. not my kids, and contrary to popular ideas on single parenting I waited a long time to introduce them. Worked great so far for us as we had a pot bot space to fall in love and get solid before adding the kids into the mix

[–]sugarcrush 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I don't have any experience with this, but it would probably be helpful to others if you shared how many children each of you has, their ages, and what the situation is like with the other bio parent.

[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Thanks. He has none, I have a 4yr old and 7yr old. R.ship with ex husband is fair-middling-decent depending on his mood that day.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Are you looking for advice specific to your situation or do you want to have a general conversation about step families?

[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I think the latter would be most helpful, since there aren't currently any issues.

Obviously I'd hope there won't be any but that would be naive. I'd like some food for thought, some conversation. Some definite do's and dont's, for me.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Okie I couldn't tell based on the post and your comments so far. I've flaired this as "Discussion"!

[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you!

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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