Take heed, this will be long (and why it’s part 1 of 2). In posting this I learn more about myself and hopefully others can learn from this also. The struggle is real; the transformation is worth it!

Tuesday: My SO and I commute to work together most days of the week. On the way home, I gently touched his arm and back while he was driving. I know this sounds like such a little act, but it took courage just to do that. I am so afraid, afraid of joy, afraid that happiness will be taken from me. I forebode joy all day every day. Once SO and I got home the baby needed a bottle (we have a 4 month old) and he was holding her and I jumped up immediately to get her a bottle, when my normal response would have been to just have him do it since he was holding her. I felt more grateful that he wanted to feed her and it warmed my heart that he does that for her (and indirectly me).

Once all the kiddo’s were asleep (we have 3) my SO wanted to lay and talk. He asked me many questions about not upholding my marriage vows. It was the worst feeling I’ve had in 20 years. I had failed him and then I fought to be right. I didn’t want to take responsibility or to be held accountable. I wanted to hamster my way out of it. I told him that I couldn’t change and that it was too hard and then turned into a helpless little girl that wanted her mommy to make her feel better. I wanted to take the easy way out because the negative feelings were so horrible that I wished for death. It’s an awful feeling to realize that you provide no value to your SO and thus you’re failing him, your children and yourself. I want to act in way that upholds my vows. I am an infant in my intimacy skills.

Wednesday: I did a couple things to help create more intimacy in our marriage and act in a way that shows respect. I grabbed my SO coffee that he had poured for himself but had forgotten to take (note to self, make his coffee). He appreciated me remembering. I also complemented his look. For me, I may notice in my mind, but I don’t express it outwardly or give complements freely. He needs to hear that I appreciate that he is taking pride in his self-care and personal style. I find that very attractive. I am working hard to cook more because my SO really appreciated my cooking, but tonight he cooked because of our schedules. In the past I would expect him to clean up after dinner (after he did all the work), but tonight I cleaned because I am better at cleaning and organizing so why wouldn’t I do this task? During our dinner interaction I made an effort to kiss him and praise him in front of the kids. I question why praising someone is so hard for me. Why wouldn’t you want to make someone feel good about themselves? I’m still trying to put an emotion of why I don’t do this more and it may be my fear of being vulnerable.

Thursday: Mornings are hard for me. It takes me a while to “wake” up but when my SO came into the bathroom I immediately stopped what I was doing and kissed him good morning. I felt lighter, happier, and more grateful. I also made sure he had coffee and the baby was ready for him to take to daycare on time. I don’t normally have a problem with time management, but with me doing things I don’t normally do I take a bit longer in the morning. It’s important that I am respectful of his time while implementing my changes. Having the baby ready on time is a way I show my SO I respect him. Again I made an effort to complement on his style and that he’s lost weight, he’s looking manly and I find him more and more attractive. I am working to find one new recipe I can cook each week and I get a lot of praise for doing this. His praise makes me feel appreciated and that I’m contributing value to the relationship. He also showed his appreciation by offering to finish up the dishes while I went and shopped for girly nighties online. I thanked him with excitement and a kiss. I am still having a problem with knowing what I want without him leading me. I want to acknowledge that it’s okay to want things. I fear disappointment so I don’t allow myself to dream or have desires. I fear that if I tell my SO my desires that he won’t want to help fulfill them or I ‘m being selfish or I fall into the fear of the unexpected and unplanned (oh how I love the comfort of control). Again the fear of vulnerability. I did change into my new cute sleep clothes and he offered to massage me with coconut oil (great for many things!). Sexy time ensued fulfilling a need that I so often rejected in the past, or I said yes and then star fished it. Most days I am disappointed of my past behaviors.

More to come in part two.