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Hello ladies. Following on from a recent post and at the behest of several users, I'm submitting a field report on the beginning of my relationship, re: how I gained committment in the form of exclusivity before I slept with my partner. I don't wish to blather on so I will set the scene briefly then discuss the first 3 months of our dating. Questions in comments welcome - this is something I feel very passionately about and has yielded absolutely wonderful results for myself and my partner - with hindsight, he has commented several times that he is very happy I "made him wait"...!

We have currently been together just shy of a year. I was late twenties, divorced with children when we met through mutual friends. I had taken several years to process my divorce, grieve and to work on myself in a major way.

When I first saw my SO, I was immediately strongly attracted and he clearly felt the same way - and says so frequently, still! He had this air of casual dominance and was getting on with everyone and is seriously tall and muscled and my hormones just went Zzzzzzing! A friend introduced us at this party, and I let him approach me, lead from the very beginning, and I did not become shy, flustered or give away masses of info about myself. (this was something I had worked on for years). He asked was I single, I was, and he volunteered that he was "seeing someone casually but she isn't my girlfriend and it isn't going anywhere" (read: plate!) I just nodded and said, I see. Told him then, casually, once, and with a smile, that I don't date casually (read: not a plate). We both later followed this up with our mutual friend and she confirmed he was very casually seeing (read: shagging) an acquaintance of hers and neither wanted it to progress. This lady was his age and lived several hours drive away, My SO and I live in the same town. I saw that the odds were good and didnt feel threatened. I was curious about his openness, pleased by it, if not by the actual plate arrangement. But men will be men and I certainly didn't judge him. I decided that his plate arrangement was unlikely to last long if we started to date - call it a gut feeling, call if confidence - and decided in that moment that I'd only date and kiss until he broke it off with the plate. Nothing more and never use it as leverage or even ever put it that way. Just let it be - he isnt stupid, he would figure it out.

Let me state: this was not about manipulation. It was never overtly discussed and not used as leverage. I wasnt trying to bargain, persuade or hold out. It wasnt even about him, in a way, It was about my values, my boundaries, my happiness. Sex isnt casual to me - I'm aware of my nature, somewhat territorial and jealous in a way, and easily attached. So this was really self preservation.

He took my number and we chatted over text and phone calls for a few days. I kept it short as I wished to get to the date part - I dont think starting a relationship over technology is optimal, especially as we lived so close to each other.

He asked me out and we had two absolutely lovely dates. He lead the whole way. I felt I really was my best self and felt comfy, happy and confident in his care and leadership. I screened heavily (subtly) during this time, I realise this sounds deathly serious and dull, but I assure you it came off as casual and sweet (he tells me!) I was looking for: no smoking, no drug use, social drinking only (no dependency), solid employment, close family ties, strong masculinity and abillity to lead, following up, not obviously gaming me, not being a white knight or kow-towing to/spoiling me in an over the top way, intelligence/eloquence, how he handled frustrations/inconveniences, and money. Happy to answer more on this if you wish but it's pretty basic I think.

We were very compatible and relaxed and happy in each other's company. We were completely delighted with each other, and yes I did play it cool and not express much of that at all - I was light and happy.

Here's the moment!!

After our second date my man brought up the subject of returning to his and I rook a deep breath, pulled on my big girl panties, smiled and said,

"I like you. I don't date casually, and I have to be in an exclusive relationship before I have sex."

Smiled and shut up.

He was visibly surprised and tried to convince me of his way (nicely) for a few mins. I just smiled, and shook my head. I think I even said, no, thank you, once. I am very English! He laughed :) and conceded defeat.

We continued to date, and we did talk about sex over the later dates. Maybe a month in. I made it known I had a very high sex drive and was very experimental - when we had known each other a decent while. He was too. Sex is so important but can be worked on within a good relationship, in a way that character faults can't be. I was prepared to take a chance that we might not be sexually compatible - because if we were, the payoff would be well worth it. I could see by then he was a quality man and we had amazing chemistry. I was mad about him, in a way I havent been since I was a teenager. I never expected to find a man I was so infatuated with, who was also thoroughly decent. I wasnt going to mess it up!

I baked for him every few weeks. I cooked dinner every couple of dates. I was soft, sweet, and myself (I am rather a quirky sort of person. So is he. It's wonderful).

We were exclusive after about 6 weeks, after about 2months I requested we both get full blood tests (he was surprised, pleased, and agreeable). After the results we planned a special weekend and slept together and it was wonderful.

It got better and better every time and we are absolutely in synch. The gamble was worth it. Ive got the love I've always dreamed of and he respects me enormously because of how was initially - these things stay in the minds of men. They will forever remember you as you were during the time you were falling in love with each other. Even if I'm having a crabby day, in his mind I am still the sweet, giving, deferential and self respecting woman he fell in love with. I'm no Maria von Trapp. I'm really quite a narky person. But it's easy to put that aside with him and I have grown tremendously under his care - I am so much happier and calmer now he's leading.

regarding waiting for sex - he's frequently said he really respected me for being up front despite also being deferential and a follower to his leader. He said waiting for sex made him feel fulfilled, and full of respect for me and the best thing he said "I absolutely fell in love with you before we slept together and that was beautiful"

For me, that's what it's all about. I've given us both a gift. I have learned so much from RPW over the years and I really just want to take this chance to say thank you for all the help you've indirectly and directly given me! I hope this post helps a newbie or two :)


[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm so glad you took the time to make this a stand alone post!! It's such a great example, and I hope it helps illustrate to users some of the things we talk about and why we encourage certain values.

:0)

[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks you for the encouragement ! I didn't think my comments on the other post were of particular interest and would never have made this FR off my own back :) it's been lovely reliving the start of our relationship. I have the warm fuzzies!

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

What a great FR! I love how you handled his invitation back to his house. So classy.

I've given us both a gift.

So true!

[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you, classy is just what I was aiming for :)

I saw it as good practice for "no thank you. I won't live together before marriage." ;) that particular discussion happened recently and he wasn't as surprised as he was after our second date discussion! He may just have the measure of me, lol

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well you'll definitely always end up with what you want if you're polite and straightforward like that! I need to learn to be more polite, I'm very firm but it comes off as aggressive to others I think, lol.

[–]littleteafox3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lovely FR! Very sweet and I love how you were able to combine kindness and sweetness with setting firm boundaries.

I too never dated casually, never quite saw the point in it. My SO and I established early on that we were exclusive and it was great for us. Men do respect women who respect themselves. I still remember my SO talking about how he liked how essentially non-slutty I was, especially compared to some mutual friends we have.

Let me state: this was not about manipulation. It was never overtly discussed and not used as leverage. I wasnt trying to bargain, persuade or hold out. It wasnt even about him, in a way, It was about my values, my boundaries, my happiness. Sex isnt casual to me - I'm aware of my nature, somewhat territorial and jealous in a way, and easily attached. So this was really self preservation.

I'm pretty much the same way. It would never even cross my mind to be involved with someone who was seeing someone else. And believe me men have tried! Even one who I had a crush on in college, he had a girlfriend for about a year and while we were studying together was starting to get too handsy. Even though it was something I physically wanted I high-tailed it out of there. Fast. It was kinda awkward actually how quickly I just up and left lol. But I knew what kind of person I was. I want 100% of someone and sex is definitely not casual for me.

[–]eliza_schuyler 4 points4 points [recovered] | Copy Link

This is adorable and cute and breathtakingly composed!

He was visibly surprised and tried to convince me of his way (nicely) for a few mins. I just smiled, and shook my head. I think I even said, no, thank you, once.

You sound absolutely lovely. This would have been a tricky situation (at the time!) and it sounds like you handled it with such grace. I feel fortunate that I'm not planning to navigate this minefield again, but if I was, this would be the field guide to help me. Awesome!

[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Oh thank you that's really kind of you!

I do assure you I'm not all sweetness and light. I'm abominably short tempered for example! SO has only seen that side of me in regards to the kids jumping all over me and me giving them short shrift (can you say "touched out"?!) I'm always very careful to hold my tongue around him - it gets easier and easier !

I'll say one thing for children - raising them really shows you how to execute your boundaries in a firm, no nonsense, polite way! I've had plenty of practice with "no!" It becomes as easy as politely declining dessert, and no more emotionally fraught.

Also this was a planned response - I wasn't caught by surprise. I had decided in advance of meeting him, and certainly during our early dates, what my boundaries and stances are and have never deviated from that. He's also since commented that's reassuring to him, I think he means in terms of me being reliable and holding to my word. If I say it's so, it's so. It's one of the things I value most about him, too.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I feel fortunate that I'm not planning to navigate this minefield again, but if I was, this would be the field guide to help me.

Same! I wish I knew this stuff sooner but I'm also glad I'm done dating.

[–]jade_cat2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What a beautiful FR! And beautifully written, too! Thank you very much for sharing. :)

he respects me enormously because of how was initially - these things stay in the minds of men. They will forever remember you as you were during the time you were falling in love with each other.

This is something I never actually thought about, but it makes so much sense! And I think it is quite healthy for us too to remember how our SO/husband was when we fell in love with them. It's easy to get stuck in a routine and let the flame get weaker, but remembering what made us fall for our SO/husband is usually enough to nurture the flame. Sometimes when I do the dishes I think of my husband when I met him and I get the same butterflies in my stomach, even years later. It makes doing the dishes much less boring too. :P

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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