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Huffpo has a good article about discussing exclusivity before entering a relationship. Here, the author discusses the modern approach to relationships and the pitfalls of "being in his stable", or as we like to put it, being a plate he is spinning:

No one gets to exclusivity from the stable. I know it’s tempting to think you’ll be the one who can. “If I can just keep my cool, be agreeable enough and hot enough, I’ll get my spot. If I show him I’m not the ‘crazy girls’ he’s dated in the past, that I’m easygoing, chill, and never complain ... then everything will change, in time.”

That’s the bait. And that’s the hook where we get stuck. It’s not about us. It’s not about being good, or being the best. It’s about this type of man’s disposition. He’s not a bad guy. He’s simply in no hurry to make a decision. He’s assuming, as many guys do nowadays, that you’re okay with this set up. Since dating doesn’t automatically mean moving toward partnership it’s free of the rules regarding relationship behavior.

Her solution to the problem is very much like ours:

When’s the right time to discuss exclusivity? This concept needs to be stated as a foundational element, up front. It should be part of a modern woman’s online profile, initial dating statements, and the focal point of her partner selection process. When put on the table as a condition of partnership, it doesn’t need to be asked later as a question.

This isn’t a subject that can be ignored. If exclusivity is ignored for fear of “losing a man,” then it’s already too late. Whenever a woman compromises her values in order to gain admission to the game of love, she’s already set a precedent for future treatment.

Yes she mentions "empowerment" numerous times, and comes at the subject from a very Team Woman approach, but the basic idea is the same.


[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs13 points14 points  (17 children) | Copy Link

Absolutely. Totally and 100%. On our second date my man brought up the subject of returning to his and I smiled and said,

"I like you. I don't date casually, and I have to be in an exclusive relationship before I have sex." Smiled and shut up.

He was visibly surprised and tried to convince me of his way (nicely) for a few mins. I just smiled. I knew he was dating another girl at that point.

We were exclusive a few weeks later and I slept with him about a month after that (when it felt right).

He's since said he really respected me for being up front despite also being deferential and a follower to his leader. He said waiting for sex made him feel fulfilled, and full of respect for me and the best thing he said "I absolutely fell in love with you before we slept together and that was beautiful"

[–]BeautifulSpaceCadet 8 points8 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Wow, perfectly played on your part. Not in the slightest bit manipulatve, but direct and honest and most importantly kind.

I'm glad I'm never planning to date again, but if I found myself in that position I can only hope to handle it as poignantly as you.

HB actually said the first time he took me home (by took I mean "gave me a ride") he tried to get himself invited inside. I had had a lot to drink (and still don't remember this lol) but he said something about coming in and I guess I looked at him surprised and gave him a huge smile and kissed him and said "I'll see you tomorrow" and hopped out and gave him the "I'm safe at my door wave".

The next day he told me he was really appreciative that I had turned him down for sex without making him feel embarrassed or shamed in any way.

[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Oh yeah definitely zero shame...men will always want sex....women will always want commitment. No shame about either surely ? That's so sweet what your OH said.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I really admire the courage and gracefulness you displayed there, I imagine I would have become defensive if I'd been in your position and known he was dating someone else!

[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs6 points7 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Oh how kind thank you! I hated that he was dating someone else. I was absolutely mad about him from the second I laid eyes on him so it was hard. He had this air of casual dominance and was getting on with everyone and is seriously tall and muscled and my hormones just went Zzzzzzing! But anyway I knew this woman and knew she wasnt...how to say this nicely? A quality woman. So it was no big deal. She was also his age and I'm a lot younger so I didn't feel remotely threatened. Knew it wouldn't last long and id only date and kiss until he broke it off.

He was honest too and never shady. The first time we met he said, yes I'm seeing someone casually but she isn't my girlfriend and it isn't going anywhere (read: plate!) I just nodded and said, I see. Told him then that I don't date casually (read: not a plate) and then I reiterated it on date 2 and added about the sex.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Ah that makes a lot more sense! I imagined a scenario where he'd been going out with another similarly attractive woman and you'd found out through other sources that he was dating around (as opposed to him straight up telling you), I imagine that would have lead to a lot more anxiety. I've been in situations where I've suspected the above or heard things but was never sure and it's not a nice feeling :/

Glad to hear it worked out well in the end :)

[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Oooh I wouldn't have dealt with that. In the UK, dating a few people at the same time is really not a part of our culture in the way it is in America. So for him to do it on the low would have been a NEXT situation for me.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Is it not?! Tbh most people I know my age at uni either don't get into relationships and are hooking up left right and centre, have been in relationships since high school, or were good friends before they got together, maybe I need to get out more LOL. I always find it difficult to separate the different dating phenomenons I read about on RPW by American and other.

[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It certainly wasn't normal when I wasn't the dating pool in my teens. It would have been considered cheating really. I married at 22 and since my divorce hadn't been back dating very long before I met my partner. It's never been a way that makes sense to me but I'm very old fashioned !!

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

This is such a wonderful story, have you thought about writing up a separate post about this? I think it would be a wonderful Field Report addition, even if it happened some time ago.

:0)

[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs3 points4 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Aww thanks. Happy to if you wish - but it wasn't much more complicated than what I've written above!

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

That's all right, I just think it's such a great story and an excellent example of what we mean when we encourage women to be feminine, show interest, but also hold fast to certain boundaries until commitment has been given. So you wouldn't need to expand it all that much - I just want to make sure it's as 'visible' to others as it can be. :0)

[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I'm flattered ! I am very happy to write a post from meeting until exclusivity and then sex - that spanned just over 2 months. I could detail the girl game I used and how I handled it until he ditched his plate ? I was very conscious of RPW every step of the way as I'd had my eye on him. By a few dates in I was pretty sure he was the one for me. He's now said we will be getting married within the next few years so I guess I'm not always wrong haha ;)

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That would be wonderful! Yes, please share everything you are comfortable with disclosing!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'd also like to hear this story! :)

[–]liftinginthemoment27 | LTR | 3 years4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Great article! And I really wish I'd read this a few years ago...

One of the most disturbing things I see in modern dating is the burden of the exclusivity conversation falling to the woman—- that, at some undetermined time in the future, it’s her duty to ask, “Where’s this going?”

Been there... and it's definitely not fun not knowing where the "relationship" is going but not knowing how to bring it up without sounding clingy or needy.

Truthfully, my current relationship I slept with my now-SO earlier than I had intended to (not the first date but maybe the third or fourth so... still fairly early on). I was fairly certain he wasn't seeing anyone else but we hadn't discussed exclusivity or anything. The day after I regretted it a little because I thought he would now just see me as sex and that that was all he'd wanted. Fortunately the next week he brought up exclusivity himself but that entire week I'd been trying to figure out what to say and worrying that I'd stuffed everything up.

[–]DemonDigitsLate 20s, LTR, 2 yrs1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

From reading this and some comments, I have a question that I'm a bit embarrassed to ask, but here goes.

I'm not sure how to phrase this question . . . the whole not having sex before exclusivity . . . um, how does that work? Do you get exclusivity, have sex, and decide whether or not to break up after finding out whether you're a match sexually? Or is it something you decide to live with regardless of how well or poorly you fit together once you are exclusive?

When I was dating and had found a man I really liked, exclusivity wouldn't have even entered my head before knowing whether we were sexually compatible. This isn't to say I was having sex with every man I dated in the name of testing them out, but the ones who I felt were relationship material . . . I think I would have been uncomfortable forming an exclusive relationship only to have to break it off. As to deciding I made my choice and bearing with a so-so sex life . . . I kinda understand it for women who are religious, believe sex is for procreation, or who don't have a sex drive to speak of, but I enjoy sex for the sake of it, and it was a massive dealbreaker for me in the vetting process.

I guess I understand the concept of women guarding their N count in RP philosophy, but I don't understand how they're getting around that in order to thoroughly vet a man for a relationship. I'd appreciate any information that may clear it up for me.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I understand where you're coming from, but you and I may be very differently sexually. For me good sex is more something you create with a partner, not a profile or a checklist. Honestly, the first couple of times are usually underwhelming for me, it's mostly learning about each other and becoming comfortable.

If it's a matter about avoiding selfish/violent, pornified men, that can be done by discussing fantasies and allowing flirtation to escalate into dirty talk territory. Boring, lazy lovers are usually boring lazy people, or guys that just don't care about your pleasure.

I guess what I'm saying is if you are attracted to somebody and they care about you, you can almost always create a great sex life. You can suss out problem children without going to bed with them.

[–]DemonDigitsLate 20s, LTR, 2 yrs1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I totally get that, and thanks for replying. For some women there are certain shapes\sizes that aren't going to work out no matter what the couple can do to compensate, and that's the sticky area for me. You're absolutely right that everything else can pretty much be figured out beforehand.

[–]littleteafox1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don't think you have to compromise on either. Breaking up with someone because you're sexually incompatible is a good enough reason. This doesn't mean you can't be exclusive before that though. You also can give it an honest shot. Don't dump a guy the morning after lol.

[–]TempestTcup 2 points2 points [recovered] | Copy Link

I've never had a bad or even lukewarm experience sexually with a man that I was wildly attracted to, so I don't know about trying them out before starting a relationship; back in those days ONSs weren't really expected or common. I guess if I had specific kinks that I needed to make it enjoyable, then sex before vetting would be the way to go about it, though.

It's not like anyone is saying wait until marriage or months or anything, but maybe talk to them for a couple of dates, LOL! One conversation if handled properly might be enough, depending on your comfort level, but just jumping on the sex wagon before saying "Hi!" seems hasty. One question on one date should clear it up, "Are you seeing anyone else?", but different people have different comfort levels.

[–]DemonDigitsLate 20s, LTR, 2 yrs1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Is it just a difference of understanding in what exclusivity means, then? I was reading into it that women were waiting until the man could be said to be an official boyfriend before having sex. What you're saying sounds more like a woman is is checking to see if the man is having sex with others, but not necessarily asking for girlfriend status before having sex. That makes much more sense to me and sounds more like the approach I took. Thanks!

[–]TempestTcup 3 points3 points [recovered] | Copy Link

I think the most important thing is to make sure neither of you are in another sexual relationship, and you are both open to having a relationship with each other (not FWB, not ONS, etc.), and if it is within your comfort level, you can see how it goes.

Keep in mind though that I'm older and started dating in the 70s back when there wasn't all this game playing and weird stuff going on. Back when I first started dating, most people wanted relationships that lasted, so this approach usually worked out really well. Now, I'm not certain that it would be the best approach, but it does work out just fine for some couples.

[–]VintageVee29f, engaged, together 2yrs1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It worked out great for me. That's exactly how I handled it - he was my boyfriend before we had sex and I wasn't going to compromise on that. We did discuss sex of course. I made it known I had a very high sex drive and was very experimental - when we had known each other a decent while. He was too. Sex is so important but yes it can be worked on within a good relationship, in a way that character faults can't be.

[–]littleteafox1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

So, my SO and I had a rather cute beginning. Before we were dating, we were eating lunch with our group of friends and he heard me say something like "Oh I don't hook up on the first, second or third date, like ever". Now, up until then, I always thought "hook up" meant having sex. But apparently it means kissing/making out.

Our first date rolls around, and he just gives me a hug at the end. Ok, I thought that was cute. Second date, another hug. Third date, it was New Years Eve, I figured surely I'd get a NYE kiss and perhaps he was saving it for then. Ah no, instead I got a forehead kiss! Cute again but not what I was wanting. I figured he was going super slow. About a week later I was just getting more confused and we talked about it, and that's when I finally realized that he had been holding back the whole time out of respect for me and what I had said nearly a month before. He thought I wasn't ready to kiss yet! I thought it was rather endearing an d we both had a good laugh. Anyway, I got my kiss that night. It wasn't until a couple weeks after that that we slept together, but by then we had already talked about not seeing other people. It was a pretty casual conversation and not a big deal at all, we were both on the same page. It doesn't really have to be a big deal to talk about /shrug

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