Etiquette The Complete Modern Guide for Day-To-Day Living The Correct Way By Frances Benton and Co-edited by General Federation of Women’s Clubs Copyright 1956

As a surprise, Occam purchased this book for me and I am finally making the time to sit down and work my way through it. I have decided that I’ll quote portions that I think are interesting (they may be relevant, amusing, insightful, or no longer useful – it will purely depend on what happens to stand out to me. I will list the section, chapter, and a specific heading (if applicable). I may, at times, also include some of my own personal thoughts or observations about the quote.

Section 1 Manners in General

Chapter 1 The Essence of Manners

If manners could be explained in the form of an organization chart, such a chart would surely be headed by the phrase “consideration for others.

Chapter 2 Women’s Manners

Morality

There is no point in discoursing on morals in a book on etiquette, because your morals are your own private business……Your public behavior should be decent, quiet and friendly; and your most personal relationships should be conducted with dignity and privacy.

I really like that the author makes a distinction between personal values/morality and being socially agreeable/polite. The practice of common courtesy can be extended to everyone you interact with in your personal life – even if the quality of their character is suspect.

Modesty

Real modesty, however, is a constant and desirable quality. It is based not on fashion but on appropriateness.

I have seen several quotes similar to this already – and it touches on something we talk about all the time: femininity goes beyond looks. Superficial changes to your outer appearance cannot camouflage obvious behavioral flaws for very long. Anyone that spends an extended amount of time in your presence will see the disconnect between your flawless presence and your faulty personality.

Dignity

Dignity is sometimes confused with haughtiness or stuffiness….Dignity is the principle of self-respect applied to all one’s actions. The reason it’s bad manners to apologize of make excuses for what you don’t have…is that this type of excuse only embarrasses your listener and shows that you lack personal dignity and self-respect.

Respecting yourself as a woman is so important, and I love that the book touches on the idea of apologizing and making excuses. Women tend to do this a lot, particularly when it’s not necessary. There was another thread a while back that /u/tintedbalm wrote titled “Stop saying ‘sorry’ if you want to say ‘Thank You’” that was very insightful and thorough. Please be sure to read it if you haven’t already.

Women’s Manners Towards Men

If you refuse or ignore the little things a man tries to do for you, it is poor manners because your oversight is embarrassing to him.

Appreciation and gratitude are perhaps the two easiest things a woman can work to change immediately when it comes to personal development. A few user’s have had a bit of success implementing the “only say positive and nice things” week challenge. I think it’s worth giving the challenge a try if you find that you argue or bicker with any amount of frequency.

On the other hand, don’t insist on little attentions that he doesn’t think to offer. Entitlement is a relationship killer.

Time To Go Home

When you’re on a date, it’s up to you to suggest that it’s time to go home. You shouldn’t suggest going somewhere else, however. For example, if you’re having dinner you shouldn’t suggest the movies or a nightclub. That’s up to the man, as he’s the one who foots the bill. But since it isn’t polite for the man to imply that he’s tired and wants to go home, it’s the woman’s place to break it up for the evening.

Chapter 3 Men’s Manners

I liked this chapter because it allows women to consider things from the male perspective. Some of this will seem dated, but I still think it’s useful.

Men’s Manners Toward Women

Most men automatically accord this courtesy [not talking about personal conquests] to their wives or sweethearts, but they may be less respectful about a woman whose relationship with them is more casual. Locker-room bull sessions about women are poor manners.

“Men will talk, be careful of the things you give a man to talk about.”

The line between friendliness and pawing is a very fine one.

He doesn’t talk loudly or intimately with her, or call her name aloud across a lobby.

In general, a man walks on the curb side of the street, although this is no longer a rigid rule, nor is it necessary to shift constantly back and forth. In walking with two women, a man should keep to the curb side to avoid turning his back on one while talking to the other.

I still find that this practice is generally observed today. Growing up my father always did this, and even today if I am with him, or one of my grandfather’s they do the same. I especially enjoyed the advice about how a man can make it easier to converse with two women simultaneously (without having to exclude one of them) by adopting the curb-side position.

Paying for things. It used to be an ironclad rule that a man paid for practically everything when he was with a woman. This has been modified considerably, and now there are many occasions where expenses are split or are paid by the woman – among young people who have agreed to this arrangement in advance, or in certain business situations. In general, however, when you have asked a woman to a social lunch, or to the movies, you pay for everything – transportation, tickets, food, drink and tips. When a woman has asked you somewhere to a dance or the theatre for instance, she pays for the tickets (usually in advance) but you take care of transportation a snack or drinks later. A casual meeting with a woman acquaintance in a restaurant or subway entrance, however, does not make you liable for her lunch check or subway fare.

There’s sometimes a bit of confusion when it comes to paying for dates. I think a woman should always offer to pay (and sincerely intend to). It’s the safest way to show politeness and consideration, while also placing the power (and responsibility) directly in the hands of the man. It has been my experience that confident and traditionally masculine men always handle this interaction with ease. Some thanked me for the gesture while stating that they would foot the bill, while others accepted my offer and permitted me to cover my half of the meal. I never thought less of the men that allowed me to pay for my food. If a man does cover your meal, it’s a good idea to repay the favor in some way. It’s easy to buy something for dessert, or some coffee, or even movie tickets if you go to a show. Alternatively, suggest going on a picnic and take the opportunity to put together a delectable lunch.

When you’ve been drinking. An age-old rule says that a gentleman never goes to a lady’s house when he’s been drinking. For us moderns, this rule may be a little strict, but visiting a woman when you’ve had too much to drink is never respectful or endearing.

Sloppy drunks are not attractive, whether male or female. If a man is blitzed and trying to get your attention, it’s not because he’s interested in having meaningful conversations. Don’t be a booty call.

Shaking Hands

Techniques to be avoided in addition to the limp handshake are: the bone-crushing technique; which is particularly painful to women wearing rings; the pump-handle technique; and the refusal-to-let-go technique, which is usually reserved for women and is supposed to indicate great ardor.

I think this is a useful bit of advice for women as well. A firm, confident handshake is an easy way to create a good impression. Limp, and 'weak' handshakes always leave me feeling uncomfortable when they happen.

This concludes my first batch of highlights from the book. I intend to write up similar summaries for the remaining content (there are 7 sections and 60 chapters total).