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What is the difference between 'reminding' and 'nagging'?

If you allow your hamster to answer that question, you're going to have a bad time. But that also doesn't mean all reminding is nagging, and sometimes reminding is important; we're all only human after all, and your SO doesn't want you to allow him to drop a ball that could have been prevented.

Whether inside your relationship, outside, or likely even your parents..we've all heard an exasperated "Well why didn't you remind me??" -- I know I've said it.

I've found a pretty simple way to troubleshoot what your SO wants to be reminded to do versus what you want him to be doing. And believe me...it's simple.

If he has completely forgotten, and you remind him now, what will his response be?

  • "Oh shoot! Thank you, I completely forgot"; if he is relieved, then you're reminding.

  • "Oh shoot, yeah I'll get to that"; if he is worn down, then you're nagging.

If he completely forgets, and you don't remind him at all -- will the consequences negatively impact him?

  • There is a deadline on something that either him or your family really placed a priority on; if you miss it and he will be disappointed or have more on his plate to catch up, then you're reminding.

  • He doesn't notice; if he can go the rest of the year (or his life) without ever realizing he forgot this thing, then you're nagging.

If you're not sure

  • I go with a simple one time reminder that sounds like "hey babe, what's the plan with x? Is that something that needs to be taken care of?" If he seems receptive to needing or wanting to do it, I'll just ask directly "ok, do you want me to remind you about this again just in case?" If he agrees, then I ask "alright maybe in a day or 2?" Or whatever makes sense for the situation. That way I know precisely what he wants.

Please note the answer to reminding and him wanting to be reminded is never "well it's important to me so he wants it too!" Shut ya hamster up, girl.

Hope that is marginally helpful when deciding what's helpful vs harassing (:


[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

this is a delicate balance. I remember I "reminded" an ex of something twice throughout the day, which he kept forgetting. So I finally dropped it cuz I didn't want to nag.

Well, 7pm rolled around and he's like "shoot, it's 7pm. Why didn't you remind me to do x, y and z??" Like he almost expected me to nag him all day about this. He didn't instruct me remind him of this at all. He almost guilted me for not nagging him. This was very confusing.

Honestly, I much prefer being with someone who is on top of their game, they rarely need reminding. If they do, they outright command you to remind them about something. Like I'm their scheduler :3 :3 Then I get to use my Erin Condren planner and I am in my happy place.

[–]BeautifulSpaceCadet[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is also a good point. It depends on the issue and your man's competency. If you are reminding him every day to feed himself or do basic things, that's probably a not good sign. This guide is definitely targeted at the atypical event or situation, not "HONEY TAKE OUT THE TRASH!"

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I love this and I'm totally going to use it!! My husband forgets details of everyday life all the time, he can't be bothered. He's doing things up in his head I have no idea about, lol. So I remind him about things all the time but sometimes it is nagging. I'm definitely going to use these questions before I open my mouth. Plus I love the idea of asking if he wants to be reminded! So easy yet so hard to think of!

[–]BeautifulSpaceCadet[S] 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yup! and it's forgetfulness that can really get into the gray area of "Does he need/want reminding? Should I just shut up?". And the asking about reminders and timelines for them is very helpful for me. Sometimes I ask and get "no it'll get taken care of", or "no, I'll get to it when I get to it", but other times it's "yes, check back in on Thursday so I don't forget". That's my cue to either do what he asks, or drop the matter entirely.

I should add also, things can change from reminding to nagging even though it's the same issue. As an example, I needed my tires changed a few months ago and didn't want to go without HB. I didn't even know what tires needed to be changed, and was worried about being taken for a ride. He was really receptive at first and wanted to make sure I didn't get taken advantage of due to my ignorance, but as things piled and piled onto his plate he didn't want to talk about it anymore. So I ended up calling a few different places and troubleshooting the questions they were asking me so by the time I got to the last one I didn't sound so ignorant and knew exactly what answers they would need.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

That's also very true, it could change quickly. I have a rule with DH that if I say it 3 times in a week and he doesn't do it, I don't bring it up. He does however appreciate lists of things I need or little notes reminding him of things ("please take out the trash when you get home! Thank you! ❤️") So those things are more likely to get done. But I need a lot of help with nagging so I absolutely love this post.

[–]BeautifulSpaceCadet[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

When HB and I live together I totally want a His & Hers 'Honey Do' list for things like that (:

And it's a good rule to drop it if you've already broached it without success! A good sign it's not on his top list of things to do.

[–]lackadaisicalily5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is all so true! Generally it is the woman who is the one who remembers all the important dates for family and social things.

[–]BeautifulSpaceCadet[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Right! And it goes without saying to use your judgment on whether you need his input at all. RSVPing for a family birthday party? Yes, he should be in the know. Sending out a card or present? Why you harassing him with mundane details though, haha.

[–]stevierose345 5 points5 points [recovered] | Copy Link

I have found that if I mention something a couple of times and it doesn’t get done and it is something that really makes our life inconvenient, I can get my point across by attempting to a least start to fix the problem or take care of the situation myself by filling out the forms, making the phone calls, buying the necessary parts, doing the research, reading the directions, setting up the necessary equipment, and so forth. There is an old saying: God helps those who help themselves. I have found that husbands help wives who help themselves. I am in no way suggesting this as a shit test. There is a big difference between doing this to try to manipulate your SO into action and making a genuine effort to tackle the problem as best you can on your own. On the flip side of the coin, if he reminds me of something, I make an effort to make it a priority so he doesn’t have to ask me again. Of course I forget some things and there are times I don’t understand that the issue is really important to him until he brings it up again.

[–]BeautifulSpaceCadet[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

That is absolutely true. And it doesn't sound in any way manipulative to me. Firstly it shows you need is help and it's got nothing to do with your willingness to take care of the task yourself. And secondly it really cuts down on the effort he needs to exert to complete said task. Any time you can make something a team effort so that less falls onto him is a great practice to keep up.

[–]stevierose345 4 points4 points [recovered] | Copy Link

We had a very bad fight once when the washing machine was broken and the kids had the flu and the laundry was piling up and he was swamped with work and couldn’t fix it. I was very unhappy with his suggestion that I load up the kids and the laundry into the car and hit the laundry mat. Instead, I loaded the kids into the car and headed to the store and bought a washing machine, to be delivered in two days time. To make a long story short, he was not happy. In the end, the order was canceled and the two of us worked together to fix the washing machine after he came home from work the next day. That was an experience, I have to tell you. But we got it fixed and we worked as a team to accomplish it.

[–]BeautifulSpaceCadet[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Eek. I can't even imagine dealing with the fallout from that one. It sounds like a learning experience and being that it was so many years ago, I hope it's a laughing point now (:

[–]eliza_schuyler 4 points4 points [recovered] | Copy Link

I really like this post. This is something I have to be very aware of. My fiancé tends towards disorganised, particularly with paperwork and bills. I've learnt how to be helpful (organising bills with the ones due to be paid first on top) rather than irritating ("you haven't paid it yet??").

I have also invested in a monthly planner that is making our week-to-week schedule run much more smoothly.

[–]BeautifulSpaceCadet[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's awesome (: glad you guys have a system.

HB and I use google calendars through our company emails. I just add things willynilly to his calendar and he deletes them if it doesn't work for him haha

[–]jade_cat2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you so much for this thread!

My husband has a huge tendency to forget a lot of things, so I always felt I was nagging him, even though he says he appreciates me reminding him about things. He affectionately calls me his "agenda".

It used to drive me nuts, because he would forget things an hour after I would remind him. I tried different things: online shared list (Google Sheets), post-its, sms, you name it.

After I broke down and panicked because he forgot to do a very important phone call (I'm still ashamed of how I reacted), we had a quite animated discussion, in which he said "I need to do this stuff in the morning before I forget, because during the day I'm busy and I don't have time to look at my list".

This right there was like a cold shower waking me up. Instead of trying everything in the book to make him remember things he needed to do, I should have asked him how and especially when he wanted me to remind him of things he had to do. Now we have decided that I would make him a list written on paper in the morning.

TL;DR: Ask your SO/husband when and how he would like you to remind him of things.

[–]Camille113252 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a great mini FR thank you for sharing!

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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