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Not that your emotions should control your relationship, but the cold truth is that they often do control your relationship to a certain point. People are largely reactive, and going by the often repeated truth of “you can only change yourself”, your emotions somewhat control the emotions in your closest relationships. When you are mopey and blah, your husband reacts to your state. Sure, he might do funny/nice things to try to cheer you up at first, but after a while, he will fall into your state of mind. What usually happens next is that you will snap out of your funk, but he is still in his second-hand funk. Then you get irritated, LOL!

Think about when you are with a somber person; that emotion rubs off. Likewise, when you are with a bunch of excited happy people you catch those emotions and usually become happy and excited also. Not only are upbeat emotions good for you and your wellbeing, but they are good for everyone around you. Be determined to keep a happy, friendly attitude! It’s catching!

The best way to have an upbeat outlook on life is simple: don’t take things personally. Other people have bad days too, and their brush-off of you is usually a reaction of their own mood, and has nothing to do with you. If your husband is frustrated at work and ranting, don’t internalize his mood; it has nothing to do with you. Be patient, supporting, and it will pass quickly. If you read something that offends you on the internet, realize that being upset is your choice, and what you read was one-dimensional digital sound bites of other humans. You can never fully know a person online.

Everyone has emotions, and most negative emotions are immediate and uncontrollable, but your reactions to those emotions don’t have to be. You can step back, take a moment, and sort out the reason for the emotion and proceed from there. You can decide whether or not to let the negative emotion ruin your day: you can wallow in it and inflict it on others, or you can brush it off and return to your previous, unruffled state of mind. Whatever you do, try to not take those unproductive emotions home with you!


[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sure, he might do funny/nice things to try to cheer you up at first, but after a while, he will fall into your state of mind.

I just wanted to add that when you're in a sour mood, it's possible that you will react to people that only mean well (in this case your H/SO) in a way that completely demotivates him to try cheering you up in the future.

When you see that he's making an effort, recognize that effort and take his input as an indication that you need to take a bit more responsibility for your emotional state. My SO never brings home a bad mood, and while he does enjoy helping me overcome the occasional rain cloud - I don't want to be a constant 'problem' that needs to be fixed in his mind.

He's told me that my positive, happy nature is something that he really appreciates and values.

The best way to have an upbeat outlook on life is simple: don’t take things personally. Other people have bad days too, and their brush-off of you is usually a reaction of their own mood, and has nothing to do with you.

I think this is probably one of the most important take-aways (and there are quite a few). I just love the idea of "don't make other people responsible for your emotional health/happiness."

Great post Tempy!

[–]ControlYourselfSrsly2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh this is so true! Many a good evening has been ruined by the second-hand mood ruining in my home and I am working to et myself out of my own head. For me and for the hubs!

[–]BeautifulSpaceCadet 3 points3 points [recovered] | Copy Link

In the book suggested by Kitten they discuss this phenomenon, called (iirc) 'emotional attunement'. All humans do it because it is advantageous to the pack -- i.e. If a cavewoman heard a sound at night and reacts in fear thinking it may be a predator, the males will awake to her sound and be on full alert guarding the women and children. They themselves have not perceived any threat, but are reacting to the danger sensed by others.

Babies do it with their mothers, wives and husbands to it with each other, and teenagers actively try not to do it as they prepare to breakaway from the nest as an independent being, and begin doing it again as they prepare for adulthood and 'creating their own clan'.

If you are negative and your SO is positive, your simple energies together in the room will raise your spirits a little, and lower his a lot. Attunement makes people physically uncomfortable, which can be experienced if you sit next to an angry person, even if it's a stranger you don't know at all.

Your mood and energy are biologically powerful, and letting them run amok can give you consequences that really give you something to be upset about. And that's not a cycle I suggest you allow yourself to be caught up in.

[–]fire-fly30, single1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you are negative and your SO is positive, your simple energies together in the room will raise your spirits a little, and lower his a lot. Attunement makes people physically uncomfortable, which can be experienced if you sit next to an angry person, even if it's a stranger you don't know at all.

Your mood and energy are biologically powerful, and letting them run amok can give you consequences that really give you something to be upset about. And that's not a cycle I suggest you allow yourself to be caught up in.

So true

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is good advice. My previous relationship was destroyed because of us (mostly me) not having any control over feelings (mind you we were teenagers). I acted without taking time to think or cool down, which led to our relationship being very on again off again and damaged.

I've learned to think before acting and really chew on things before I make a move. You can't take back something you said or did, you can apologize and move forward but the scar (no matter how small) is always there, even if forgiven. I'm really careful in my current relationship to be considerate and not let my feelings control me, though sometimes it's extremely difficult and I fail, I believe it's part of why our relationship is strong. There are many times I could have said or done something that would have been very hurtful to my SO, but thankfully I had the good sense (learned the hard way), to think before acting. Thankfully, he's also very good at thinking before acting, he's the one who helped me learn how to be that way.

[–]Never_EvilEarly 20s | single/dating4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Super important to remember, thanks! I could probably simplify it for myself to "Don't let my emotions control my actions".

Along with not taking things personally, I've found that when I'm experiencing negativity, it helps to remind myself that whatever's bothering me is probably not that bad. It's like you said: taking a step back, taking a moment, and then I try to find reasons for why my current emotion might be unreasonable, or how there are definitely other things that I can grateful for, or what positive thing can I do to change how I feel right now. Because whatever it is, it's not that bad.

[–]Rep13Early 20's, LTR, 2 Years3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is one of the first things I learnt from Red Pill. I found it to be 'life changing' in a way, or definitely perspective changing in a way. I have always been a pretty emotional person but being introduced to the red pill by my SO showed me just how much I let my emotions govern my actions. When I learnt to start stepping back and looking at the situation before emotionally reacting I found myself to be much happier, and far more agreeable, not just in my relationship but in all aspects of my life! I still find times where I let my emotions complete over ride my decisions and that doesnt tend to lead to positive outcomes. So I know there is still work to be done, but I can honestly say this is a fundamental part of my life now, something I am very glad I have learnt.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I had to learn to do this. Having an SO that is dealing with depression I found myself taking on his depression so to speak. It made things very hard because then both of us were feeling all depressed and down and didn't want to anything more than just bitch at each other.

I went and found my own therapist who helped me to understand why I needed to do as self care so that I could be supportive of my SO without taking on his burden. Its going so much better now.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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