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A cartoon that could change your interactions for the better!

It’s very common to fall into the habit of overly apologizing, especially when you are trying to change and self-improve, but you’re not quite there yet. But let’s reflect on what kind of message we’re giving when we apologize too much. Does it actually help the other person? Does it leave a good taste in the other person’s mouth?

Sometimes, when we say sorry, we are compelling the other person to make excuses for us- It's all about comforting ourselves. This comic illustrates a way we can change the tone of our message, from being deprecating and about ourselves, to positive and taking into account the other person.

Certainly, sometimes a “thank you” by itself would be awkward and wouldn’t quite fit into the situation we want to apply it to. To help that, I found this piece on the comment section of the article made a good point:

I think the point is not to focus on our feelings, but on the other person's. If I feel badly for what I did, I'm focusing on myself rather than taking the other person's feelings into consideration. I can acknowledge them putting up with me best by saying thank you. Otherwise I'm just inviting pity, and hoping they'll dismiss my behavior or make an excuse for me: "That's OK," or, "No, you're not late! I just got here myself!" What about saying something like, " I am sorry I'm late. Thank you for being so patient!" That way, I'm not excusing my behavior; I'm apologizing for it. But I'm also not keeping the spotlight on myself.

I thought maybe others here (especially the overly-apologetic!) could find this helpful.


[–]BeautifulSpaceCadet 6 points6 points [recovered] | Copy Link

A little different but somewhat related,

Instead of saying "thank for doing x, y, z for me" I have started saying "thank you for doing that for us."

Obviously if it is something that only benefits me (grabbing food if I'm under the weather, etc) then it wouldn't apply. But as an example, I know when he drives 6-7 hours to sneak home during a business trip that he isn't doing it for me, he's doing to for the entity that is our relationship, which IMO is much more powerful.

I like to thank him for his unwavering dedication to our relationship, he's so busy and he never fails to make time for us.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's such a neat way of looking at things! I love it

[–]tintedlipbalm[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm glad you touched on this subject as well. It also helps to appreciate all the things he does for us that sometimes become invisible because we're used to them, or don't even register as an effort on his part.

Sometimes I feel myself getting upset at an irrelevant by-product of his effort: "He didn't appreciate the dinner I made tonight", I think to myself, when in reality he is tired from commute because he made this time for us. I have to step out of my perspective ("I slaved away for this meal") and avoid immediately ascribing a negative intent to his very neutral fatigue.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

This is my favourite method of introducing something positive into a potentially negative situation. I try to do it every time it applies, and I'm sure it feels better for both parties. (Imagine apologizing all the time. One would come across as clumsy and incompetent, and things would be awkward.)

In my experience, saying 'thank you' instead of 'sorry' (1) accentuates positive aspects, (2) shifts the focus from you to the other party, (3) reminds you to be humble

[–]tintedlipbalm[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Very true! I like that you mentioned being humble. Oftentimes I find people forget about humility as a virtue altogether.

I am so glad you have put this in use already and find value in it.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I must admit I sometimes forget to be humble. I can spend days in an egocentric bubble ... But it is largely compensated by overwhelming moments of humility :P

It's one of the best pieces of advice I've ever read and I ought to thank RPW for that

[–]Unicorn98624, Married 4 years, 5 total4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is a lesson my boss taught me when I worked in a bank. At first I thought it was silly to 'bam' the word sorry. Surely if I've messed up I should say sorry. But after some time I saw what a great tool it was in turning what would have been a negative interaction into a positive one.

Such a good reminder.

[–]tintedlipbalm[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Isn't it amazing how a what was a business piece of advice can also help in interpersonal relationships? And vice versa.

I definitely look forward to see field reports of people that have implemented this advice and have seen positive changes in their lives.

[–]frozen_strawberry 4 points4 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Thank you for posting this reminder. I remember the comic but I don't usually remember to implement it and I think I generally need to work on being more positive. Those examples are really great.
I think something to keep in mind is also that apologizing too much takes away the meaning when you do mess up. So people might think since you always apologize anyway you think this is on the same level as a situation where thanking them would have been better.

[–]tintedlipbalm[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's true. And sometimes an apology is truly warranted, this is not to say otherwise. Paraphrasing Louis CK, nowadays we don't think about how we talk, and we overuse words until we render them meaningless.

Apologizing for everything every single day ceases to be an apology, it becomes a crutch and an excuse.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Guilty of this for sure. The cartoon is really eye-opening. Thanks for this reminder.

[–]tintedlipbalm[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're welcome!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Guilty of this. This really is something I know I do often. I find myself feeling guilty, annoying, boring, like i'm rambling on, awkward, and shy at times. So I am working on changing my view of myself. I want to focus on positives first rather than believing others only see the negative self-view I have. I know it will take a lot of reminding and changing myself to get there. Thank you for sharing this very helpful and sweet little comic. :)

[–]tintedlipbalm[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

So I am working on changing my view of myself.

YES, this as well. It's true, the cartoon itself was aiming for that message: Stop being so hard on yourself, first and foremost. We don't have to apologize for existing the way we are and every single quirk we have.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I really need to work on this, such a great post!

[–]tintedlipbalm[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks! :D

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is SO important! Apologizing puts the focus on yourself rather than the person that's been listening to or helping you. A thank you goes a long way in making someone feel genuinely appreciated, especially if you've been just dumping everything on them (this goes for friends, too!).

[–]tintedlipbalm[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Very true, this extends to friends, family and the professional life.

[–]CamusSeesSumac2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

This comic changed my life.

[–]tintedlipbalm[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm glad it was helpful! :)

[–]CamusSeesSumac2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I saw it a month or two back and I completely changed the way I speak. Love it!

[–]am3liia2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I love this, thank you for sharing!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I opened this thinking , "What type of idiot would say sorry, rather then Thankyou"... Apparently this type of idiot, Me :/ .. "I'm sorry for taking up your time, I know how busy you are" will now be "Thankyou for making time for me". Although does that sound a little passive aggressive?, Open to suggestions here..

[–]tintedlipbalm[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well tone definitely matters most! Many times I end up saying "Thank you for being you" because words can't suffice.

[–]jade_cat1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

As a Canadian, this habit will be hard to change.

On a more serious note, thank you for posting this. I never truly realized that saying "sorry" instead of "thank you" could give such a negative impression to other people. The comment you quoted explains very clearly why. I will definitely try to be more mindful of this.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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