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Now this is a touchy subject. How do we talk about sex without it being pornographic in nature and TMI? I’ve seen a few posts on here about dead bedrooms and waning libidos and this petulant attitude towards sex… BUT I DON’T WANNAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Boo frickin’ hoo ladies.

Aside from medical reasons why you cannot have sex…. No. Wait. Fuck that… there should be no reason why you can’t please your man. If your vagina is broken, there are other ways to please a man…. Ahem… beej….ahem…butt….ahem…hands. So with that little disclaimer I will continue.

What is the definition of a romantic relationship?

re·la·tion·ship /rəˈlāSH(ə)nˌSHip/ noun: the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.

ro·man·tic /rōˈman(t)ik/ adjective: conducive to or characterized by the expression of love.

So. You have two people being connected through expressions of love. What is one of the biggest expressions of love and trust? Sex. Making whoopee. Doing the horizontal mambo. Sure, sex can happen with anyone but there is no connection component to it. That is the line of demarcation. That singular component which makes sex into something beautiful and amazing. I told my daughter sex is not love, but sex is always amazing when done with someone you love.

Here you are in a relationship with someone you love at this point. You’re feeling like the sex part is waning. You’re always tired from work. You don’t have the energy for it. You spend your days with the kids and you just want to sleep. I’m going to explain why you need to knock it off and also tips for knocking it off and being in your relationship….. romantically.

Being available all the time

This is the toughest idea to get through to women. The idea that you should be available to please your man all the time. I’m not saying you need to rush home to blow your man in the middle of the work day because he needs it now (although that would be a good idea if your job allows for just leaving in the middle of the day lol). Don’t be ridiculous. I’m saying that when your man is flirting and signaling to you he wants you, you should really be all in. This man finds you sexually attractive? Can you blame him? You’re one hot chica! Own that.

Argument 1

I shouldn’t have to have sex when I don’t want to.

While this is true, this attitude is detrimental to a romantic relationship. You are signaling to your partner that you aren’t attracted to them and that you don’t need them for this type of intimacy. This type of thinking relegates your SO to being put in the ‘just anyone’ demographic. This removes their status of partner in your life and puts them in a position to be used when YOU want to use them. It makes it a one way street which is the antithesis of being in a relationship.

Argument 2

I’m too tired from ::insert other things in your life::

One of the most important things to realize is that if you are in a relationship, it is work. It is a part of what you need to set aside energy for specifically in order to maintain it. If you put more effort into other portions of your life, do not be surprised when your relationship fails. Just like a garden, it must be tended to regularly. Is work what you fancy more than your partner? Is being a mom more important to you than the person you share your life with? (NOTICE: I did not say are your kids more important to you than your partner. Please note that I am not telling you to pick between them, however, you need to prioritize your position as a partner more than your position of being a mom. Your partner is there for life. Your kids are not.)

Putting life into perspective in terms of relationships can be hard. Is your partner really a priority to you? If not then you either need to next the SO you have because that is horse shit or you need to realize that maybe you just don’t really want to be in a relationship at this time. You are basically using someone to have a warm body next to you for fear of being alone. Wanting a career more than a relationship is fine, but you shouldn’t be imposing the loss of connection to someone else just because you don’t need it.

Argument 3

My partners libido is too high/My libido is too low

Matching libidos is a huge issue in deadbedrooms. If you are a low libido person, then you should really be taking steps to mitigate that. There are plenty of ways in which you can overcome the low libido/high libido discrepancy. There was another post on there that I found really interesting that tl;dr says this

If sex is not a priority to you, then you shouldn’t care if he goes out to find it somewhere else.

Does that hit a sore spot with you? Then sex is a big deal to you. More than you allow yourself to feel. Maybe your body doesn’t comply but your brain just said “whoa whoa whoa CQ! Sex is important to me and I’ll be damned if my SO goes to get it from somewhere else”. Now that I have your attention. Listen up carefully. Sex is not just penis in vagina. I repeat. SEX IS NOT JUST PENIS IN VAGINA. So get that idea that out of your head right now.

Argument 4

He is bad in bed/doesn’t last that long

This is trial and error. If you are not communicating to your partner the things you like then that is your fault. As someone who has a high N count, when you tell a man what you like they do that a lot. The ones who don’t are selfish not only in bed but in life and will never change and you should have figured that out during the vetting process to being with.

How to fix it

With all of these in mind, I’m going to give you some pointers on how to overcome those arguments. I’m sure that there are other arguments but really they fall into those four categories. They just manifest themselves in other ways.

The perpetual flirt

How do you communicate to your partner that you are sexually attracted to them? You show/tell them. All the time. Some of the things that you might do for this are the following.

  • Tell them something sexy at random times of the day.

  • Wear something a bit sexy and flaunt your womanly goods. (ie bend at the waist not the knees)

  • Sext him something you want to do to him

  • Make a lewd gesture when no one is looking

  • Rub your body on them ‘accidentally’ with a teehee and a wink

The point is to be playful. Sex is natural. Sex is fun. (a la George Michael). Show him that you like/need/want his touch. Flirt. That costs you nothing. Not even energy. This will not only build him up but it will get you in the mood too. You will be thinking about it more and you will be more apt to be receptive to his advances. Not all sexual interactions have to finish in sex. They do have to demonstrate you want him…all the time.

”I’m feeling overwhelmed by ::other things in life::. What should I do?”

With a lot of the issues, you find that your life is overwhelming you. He is your captain. Ask him what you should do about it. Maybe he tells you to cut back on your hours at work. Maybe he tells you to find a babysitter for the kids so you can practice self-care. Whatever it is, your captain can come up with something for you to be able to balance out your work/home life. He wants to be a priority in your life too so talking to him about it will allow for an opportunity to create more intimacy. So what if the dishes don’t get done asap? So what if you don’t cook one meal this week? Are these things worth it to sacrifice your relationship over? I doubt it. Tell him why you are too tired to do him and I am positive he will come up with a solution!

Smack it down, flip it, rub it down oh noooooo

Well this is where it gets a bit raunchy. I’ll try to tone it down as much as I can but really you can’t talk about the attitude of being sexually available without addressing some salacious aspects of it. Lube. Don’t be afraid to ask for it. Anal. Don’t be afraid to try it. (there is a training manual for this). Blowies. Don’t be afraid to get on your knees. Porn. Don’t be afraid to watch it. Costumes. Don’t be afraid to wear them. Sex doesn’t need to be all about you getting to the finish line. It is an act of intimacy between two people. Get sex toys. Do whatever you have to do in order to get there physically. With so much sex paraphernalia out there, you can figure out what you like and get some tools to help you get there.

No excuses.

Lastly, if you have a captain who just simply does not give a shit about your well-being (ie demanding sex when you’re sick, goes in dry, doesn’t want to please you)… HE IS A SHITTY CAPTAIN. NEXT!

Another point to make is that if you were to start a new relationship today and came up with the same excuses you do with your SO as to why you don't want to have sex, do you think they would stay with you for very long?

Just for fun

I wanna sex you up Color Me Badd

Lets talk about sex Salt-N-Pepa

I want your sex George Michael


[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I found that I was turning sex down due to being tired for a while. Then I realised that for me 11pm was a bit late to be enthusiatic. So I started initiating at around 9pm.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Sounds like a good plan

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It works well.

[–]BeautifulSpaceCadet 10 points10 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Good write up. I'd like to note just plain and simple one of (in my humble opinion) the predecessor thoughts to all this:

A relationship is a commitment to monogamy and exclusivity, not celibacy.

Your man has committed to having sex with you and only you, he has not committed to having no sex at all. If there is not a medical or mutually agreeable reason then by denying him sex you are categorically renegging on one of the founding principles of your relationship and violating 'the terms of agreement' so to speak.

As CQ said, if the tables were turned and your monogamous partner was denying you sex across the board, you would probably find a new partner.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

a relationship is a commitment to monogamy and exclusivity, not celibacy

I like this!

[–]frozen_strawberry 7 points7 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Just the other day I read somewhere that sex is basically an aphordisiac. So the more sex you have the more sex you end up wanting. i know it's not a solution for every problem, but just saying yes even when you're not in the mood can go a long way.

[–]littleteafox2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Can confirm, this has been true for me!

[–]fire-fly30, single2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Has definitely been true for me too

[–]SouthernPetite31, Married, Together 9 years3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think I had read somewhere that there is a hormonal cycle that happens as a result of sex that make you want it more for about 3 days, and then it starts to decline, so you should have sex every 3-4 daysif you want to keep your libido going strong.

[–]LauraXVII25 ♡ Monk Mode5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

This is easily one of my favourite posts on here! My last two relationships have been dead bedrooms for the last few months of them, and it's definitely pinpointable(?) as one of the major reasons that both relationships ended.

This is top of my "must improve" list when I eventually get into a new relationship, unfortunately it's a bit difficult to implement this advice when in monk mode haha

Thank you for sharing again :)

[–]fire-fly30, single2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Me too, glad I'm not the only one in monk mode (tempted to put that in my flair too!), and hey it's still a good time to be thinking about these things for later.

[–]LauraXVII25 ♡ Monk Mode2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah, definitely!! It's made me more concious about what I'm looking for when I'm finished monk mode as well... I need to choose someone who I'm actually attracted to rather than someone I'm just comfortable with. Another one of my downfalls haha

[–]fire-fly30, single1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exactly. My downfalls are a bit different, but it's so important to have time to reflect on them and self-improve rather than just rushing back in and making the same mistakes!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Aww thanks! Monk mode is a time for reflection about these things too so I'm glad you liked it.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've noticed that since I've started appreciating my husband for al his good qualities and only seeing the good in him, it has become infinitely easier to want to please him in bed and makes him a thousand times more attractive. I've been practicing this habit for a year now and it's still working!

[–]lazysnakes40 | married 3 yrs | tog 114 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

How about when you have a higher libido than your husband? Is it up to you to STFU? As a counterpoint to your post - Is there any onus on a husband to satisfy his wife as there is for a wife to satisfy her husband?

My husband is fairly depressed at the moment and he does not have a high level of desire. Using RPW approaches has helped support him through this and one thing is I will always be sexually available but not pressure him. This works well, but he hasn't got the energy/motivation/desire for foreplay. Fine, we manage without, it's okay, I just know how much better it could be. Am I doing my relationship a long-term disservice by going happily along with this? Am I creating a covert contract by simply hoping things will improve at a later date?

Regarding foreplay, what is usual timewise?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If you've got a higher libido it's the same as if he has a higher libido. If he can't give you more then you need to be responsible for your own satisfaction and not shame him or be mad at him that he can't match you. I'm assuming of course that this is a good man. What men do is what men do. We don't hold them to the same requirements that we hold ourselves too. If they feel that requirement it is up to them to realize it. But db's (imo) are more because of a woman doing exactly the opposite of this post.

You tell your man how you feel and you wait for him to come up with a solution. Don't approach him with how you want him to fix it. By that I mean don't say to him "you should have more sex with me". Tell him something along the lines of "I'm starting to feel undesirable because sex has slowed down". Or whatever the case may be. That's it. Leave it up to him to fix. You not bringing your captain the problem and expecting things to magically fix is a covert contract. You'll just develops resentments.

Regarding foreplay it all depends. Sometimes it can last all day sometimes just a wink and a smile. That's up to you. But it is good to say that you have to take responsibility for your end of it.

[–]lazysnakes40 | married 3 yrs | tog 112 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks so much for your reply, that really helps :) Sounds like I am going on the right tracks.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

a question for fun~!

What if your man wants it 3-5 times a day and you can only handle once a day if that? You're willing to please him in other ways, but some things start to hurt after a while.

[–]BeautifulSpaceCadet 6 points6 points [recovered] | Copy Link

I think the key words here are 'willing to please him in other ways'. We are girls, and sometimes the downstairs situation is sensitive. As long as you are making your best effort, it would be downright insensitive and inconsiderate partner to demand more than what you can physically accommodate, especially if you are accommodating.

If you are still introducing hanky panky outside of PiV to help keep up with his libido in addition to PiV when you can, and he still isn't satisfied, then I would implore you to reconsider whether or not your captain really has your interests in mind. Or perhaps you are just sexually incompatible, which isn't a crime.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

i think good old fashioned "hanky panky" haha is totally fine. and i don't think any real man would reject BJs or whatever. Just something I thought I'd throw out there because it's a real issue for women sometimes.

[–]littleteafox1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would also look into why things could be hurting. Positioning? Duration of actual thrusting? Intensity? Lubrication problems? Would 2 medium-intensity sessions be better than one high-intensity session per day? Or a high-ish one at night and a super slow/more cuddly/spoony one in the morning? It could be fun to get creative :)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is such a complex issue. First I believe that 3-5 times a day is ridiculously high. There would be something wrong with them. I mean sure there might be days where you're just lazying around and it happens to be that many times but for that to be an every day occurrence I think that's a problem and would have probably nexted the guy for it. That's just a personal thing of mine. Second aside from the extraordinary circumstances you'd have to address why it hurts to have sex. Is it medical or is it mental. The former may be harder to get over bit the latter is a discussion to be had with your man. Third there are plenty of other things you can do to fulfill needs. If what you're doing and earnestly doing the most you can and he still isn't satisfied then you've gotta just assume that you'll never be enough and move on if he is making you feel bad about it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've never really understood the lack of desire part, I've never had an issue - I will admit, I am afraid for that to change once we have kids. That said, this is an AWESOME post for ladies who need a little help in the bedroom zone!

[–]jade_cat1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Show him that you like/need/want his touch. Flirt. That costs you nothing. Not even energy. This will not only build him up but it will get you in the mood too.

I read somewhere (maybe on the orpw?) that women take time to get in the mood, and many of them will want to refuse having sex unless they are in the mood right from the start. That was my problem for a while. Now, even if I'm not in the mood right away, I go with the flow when my husband initiates and eventually I really get in the mood. Afterwards, I'm always telling myself "how could I have not been in the mood?"

Your suggestion of flirting to build up/get in the mood is also very good. I should do that more. :)

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I do this a lot! I always like to flirt covertly in public. My SO gets a kick out of it.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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