TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

17

How old are you and how familiar are you with RPW? N/A. Married almost 1 year.

What is your relationship status? Married

What is the problem? (Don’t badmouth your SO!)

My SO is extremely emotional and has always wanted kids. He knocked up his ex when he was in his early 20s and she had an abortion because she didn't want kids. He left the relationship and hasn't spoken to her since. This was about 5-6 years ago? Recently he's been having nightmares about her/feeling heavily depressed, and I encouraged him to contact her to alleviate his depression. He said no. About 1-2 weeks later, I was pissed at him for some reason and feeling insecure (I have a long history of insecurity from all my relationships - stems from trust issues with my parents) and I snooped in his email. I recovered a deleted email and I found an email from him to her. It had no mention of me and he mentioned that he would never love anyone the way he loved her again. I was super pissed, confronted him and he admitted that he sent the email. He also told me to be careful as I didn't know what was going on in his head when he wrote it, it was completely emotional and he has no intention of getting back with her. After a long talk, I said okay so why don't you continue emailing her then? He said no. Because now it would not be authentic, and he would feel like I would be monitoring the situation.

Fast forward a few weeks, his depression is gone (Long story. I changed his diet). And I am getting tingles something is up. My husband reactivated his facebook about a month ago and changed his profile picture from our wedding picture to a picture of him when we were upset with each other. I have a suspicion that he is messaging her on facebook and talking to her there even though they are not friends on facebook. I think he still very guilty about the abortion and their relationship. He wants to make sure she is okay I think because she clearly has been alpha widowed (He found her blog that's a series of emotional rants about relationships).

My question is, should I confront him? Or STFU and let him do his thing and suck it up. I'm concerned that he will develop feelings for her again or meet with her... Our relationship is happy right now and we rarely get into arguments. The last major one was when I checked his email and saw the email.

How have you contributed to the problem?

I didn't let him talk to his ex via email the first time.

How long has this been an issue?

1-2 months.

What have you done to resolve this problem?

I am trying to not gain access into his facebook and be a nosy bitch. Let him talk to his ex if he needs to and give him his space.

If married or in a committed, monogamous relationship:

How long have you been together? Married almost a year. Together for a year +. Monogamous.

Is your relationship long-distance? No

Do you have an active bedroom life? Yes!


[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I encouraged him to contact her to alleviate his depression.

Why did you tell your husband to contact his ex anyway?? How would she be able to help him but bring back all those emotions? Aborted or not, she's your husband's baby mama. Id never send my man into another woman's arms for comfort.

[–]Littleknownfacts5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

How old are you and how familiar are you with RPW? N/A. Married almost 1 year. .

N/A. What you don't have an age? Yes it's relevant, especially when your acting like a crazy high school girl.

About 1-2 weeks later, I was pissed at him for some reason and feeling insecure (I have a long history of insecurity from all my relationships - stems from trust issues with my parents) and I snooped in his email.

Stop blaming things on your parents. Your a grown ass woman, well maybe you are you were too sensitive to tell us your age. The point is you know right from wrong. You should know when your being an emotional mess, and to block yourself from doing drastic things when your like that.

I recovered a deleted email and I found an email from him to her. It had no mention of me and he mentioned that he would never love anyone the way he loved her again.

So you snooped and found something you didn't like. Don't snoop. Snooping is what controlling, shit stirring, drama magnets do. If really truely feel like you have to snoop, maybe your not in a good place to be in a relationship, or maybe your not in the right one.

But since the cat is out of the bag now, assume the email was true. Can you live with that? Is this man so good your okay with being his back up?

I was super pissed, confronted him and he admitted that he sent the email. He also told me to be careful as I didn't know what was going on in his head when he wrote it, it was completely emotional and he has no intention of getting back with her.

Never confront someone when your so emotional. Take some time to cool off and approach it from a place of 'this is an issue we need to solve' and not 'you did something wrong and need to make amends'. That said, he is still responsible for the things he says when he is emotional and upset. He may not have intentions of getting back with her, but it's still extremely disrespectful to you.

After a long talk, I said okay so why don't you continue emailing her then? He said no. Because now it would not be authentic, and he would feel like I would be monitoring the situation.

Well that's cause you would be. Are you satisfied now that you've pretty much bullied your husband into behaving a certain way? No, because what you really want is for him to do these things of his own will. And that won't happen if you keep acting this way.

Fast forward a few weeks, his depression is gone (Long story. I changed his diet).

I don't know if diet affects depression so much. There also seems to be a weird control thing going on here.

And I am getting tingles something is up.

You mean you got bored and went looking for more shit to stir up.

My husband reactivated his facebook about a month ago and changed his profile picture from our wedding picture to a picture of him when we were upset with each other.

when we were upset with eachother

When you were upset with him. Because of something you found while you were snooping.

I have a suspicion that he is messaging her on facebook and talking to her there even though they are not friends on facebook.

If he is, catching him in the act and then rubbing his nose in it like a dog you are trying to housebreak is only going to make it worse. Instead try to figure out what he is trying to get from those possible interactions from his ex, and why your not able to give him that instead.

I think he still very guilty about the abortion and their relationship. He wants to make sure she is okay I think because she clearly has been alpha widowed (He found her blog that's a series of emotional rants about relationships).

This just reads like nonsense. The only reason he would care about those things was of he still found her attractive. See my my last comment.

My question is, should I confront him? Or STFU and let him do his thing and suck it up. I'm concerned that he will develop feelings for her again or meet with her... Our relationship is happy right now and we rarely get into arguments.

Happy men don't go running to their exes. STFU and figure out how you can be a better non-snooping wife.

I didn't let him talk to his ex via email the first time.

I encouraged him to contact her to alleviate his depression. He said no.

Which is it? Did you suggest it or deny him?

I am trying to not gain access into his facebook and be a nosy bitch. Let him talk to his ex if he needs to and give him his space.

Good start. But really try to understand why he needs to talk to his ex in the first place, and why he can't talk to you about them he really should be going to you before any other woman.

[–]IcanneverremembermyMid 20's/LTR/2.5 years4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You and Phantom have this thread wrapped up in a bow. After reading through the responses there's nothing left to add.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I encouraged him to contact her to alleviate his depression.

You told him to reach out to an ex? What was your thought process here, I'm curious. I'd never actively encourage my SO to contact an ex that he hadn't been in communication with, regardless of any details surrounding their previous relationships. He's having nightmares about an ex...that's weird and probably has more to do with other concerns weighing on his mind that are independent of this woman.

(I have a long history of insecurity from all my relationships - stems from trust issues with my parents) and I snooped in his email

A. You really need to take responsibility for your insecurity, and stop allowing it to drive you into making irresponsible and engaging in behaviors that directly undermine your relationship.

B. Snooping is always wrong, doesn't matter if you are mad, curious, sullen, insecure, or suspicious. You broke his trust and you need to apologize for that.

I recovered a deleted email and I found an email from him to her. It had no mention of me and he mentioned that he would never love anyone the way he loved her again. I was super pissed, confronted him and he admitted that he sent the email. He also told me to be careful as I didn't know what was going on in his head when he wrote it, it was completely emotional and he has no intention of getting back with her. After a long talk, I said okay so why don't you continue emailing her then? He said no. Because now it would not be authentic, and he would feel like I would be monitoring the situation.

Snooping often leads to discoveries that, upon reflection, people wish they knew nothing about. Once again - you are pushing him towards his ex, and I'm baffled as to why?

Your focus should be on building up your relationship. Finding ways to bring back the intimacy, romance, good humor, and happiness. Show that you respect him, trust him, and actively invest in making things better between the two of you as a couple.

And I am getting tingles something is up.

The wording you use here immediately makes me think you are trying to justify another round of snooping, prompted by doubt and insecurity. If you feel doubt, invest in the relationship, don't actively work to open up new wounds and weaken the trust that currently exists.

I'm glad his diet has helped his mood. Be someone he wants to spend time with and talk to. Have fun together and stop making up ghost stories.

I have a suspicion that he is messaging her on facebook and talking to her there even though they are not friends on facebook. I think he still very guilty about the abortion and their relationship. He wants to make sure she is okay I think because she clearly has been alpha widowed (He found her blog that's a series of emotional rants about relationships).

It seems odd that this is happening 5-6 years later out of the blue. Are you two currently talking about starting a family? Have there been other problems in your marriage at this point?

My question is, should I confront him? Or STFU and let him do his thing and suck it up. I'm concerned that he will develop feelings for her again or meet with her... Our relationship is happy right now and we rarely get into arguments. The last major one was when I checked his email and saw the email.

If you are happy and things are great - then why do you feel insecure, suspicious, and anxious? You seem intent on snooping again - DON'T. It will lead to no good. He is your husband, things are good. Deal with your insecurity in positive ways (find new things to do, accomplish projects, work out more, enjoy your spouse, and invest in the marriage).

A woman can never STFU too much. It's not possible. Try this for a week: only make positive, loving, or encouraging remarks. Speak to flirt with him, show that you respect him, and that you are prioritizing the health of the marriage first and foremost. A happy man does not leave his wife when she's the one bringing him happiness.

It seems that you need to focus on improving your confidence, and actively practice trusting your husband.

Good luck.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

A woman can never STFU too much. It's not possible. Try this for a week: only make positive, loving, or encouraging remarks. Speak to flirt with him, show that you respect him, and that you are prioritizing the health of the marriage first and foremost. A happy man does not leave his wife when she's the one bringing him happiness.

You've just inspired me to start a week long challenge to myself! I've been making real strides in improving myself and my marriage but nagging or being bossy has always been a mountain I've continuously had to climb. I am STFU as my main goal for the week. If I get nothing else done, it will be this.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm glad to hear that! You should write a field report recounting your experience and post it to the sub when you're done.

Good luck!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh I totally will plan on it. Maybe that will give me extra incentive to keep going through a tough day or something, lol.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You snooped on his email and were unhappy with what you found. What on earth did you expect? Stop trying to control him and monitor his communications.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You brought this on yourself. You encouraged him to contact her and then snooped his email. You need to stop trying to control him so much. That is your major mistake with this relationship.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Everyone has already told you that you had a large hand in creating this problem for yourself. I used to have a SERIOUS problem snooping through my husband's (and before him any guy I was dating) social media, texts, internet history, whatever. I used the fact that my parents had cheated on each other so much while I was growing up as a reason why I couldn't trust correctly in my own relationships.

When I found RPW and started making real changes to myself and was starting to see the benefits, I realized this one nasty habit had to go. My husband was well aware that I went through his things regularly but when I told him I wanted to stop and that I tried to just not do it on my own but couldn't, he came up with a plan to help me. He changed the passwords to all his social media and put a finger print protection on his phone and laptop.

This was the best thing ever. I knew I trusted him but I just couldn't not snoop. It was completely irrational at that point, but my hamster kept going. So I starved it! I had no choice, I was locked out of all of his stuff. Let me tell you, there were a few nights where I was up, hamstering away at things he "must be doing" and it took about 4-5 months before the urges left and stayed away permanently. The need for all the super secretiveness isn't necessary anymore and isn't there anymore but it was what worked for us. Our relationship is better for it and I feel better about myself for having broken the habit finally.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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