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We’ve been trying to get pregnant for some time now and no luck. We’ve both had tests and it looks like he has some issues but they should hopefully be problems we can resolve. The problem is I’m struggling with the whole thing emotionally, and he’s feeling guilty even though I’ve told him many many times that just because he has a minor medical issue it doesn’t mean he’s at fault.

It’s really tough, I’m trying to vent to friends rather than put it on him (obviously have not told them about the medical problem!) but it’s making both of us feel quite sad 😞

Anyone here dealt with this?


[–]You_Are_All_DiseasedRP Man, Mid-30s, Married 7 years, 2 little girls8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

There’s a bunch of subs dedicated to this kind of thing.

/r/TryingForABaby for example.

My wife and I tried for two full years before we ended up getting pregnant. It’s really a crapshoot.

But now we have two beautiful girls. We got pregnant shockingly fast after the first one. We weren’t quite expecting it to be so soon after the first one took so long, but I guess that’s just how it goes. It all worked out great in the end.

I know my wife went through a lot emotionally. It’s really tough and you can feel like a failure when things aren’t working.

I’d suggest reading some books and concentrating on doing the things that you can control.

Good luck!

[–]la_scozzese33 married. Together 14 years[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you! We are trying to do just that, like you said it’s an emotional rollercoaster. Congratulations on your family, I’m so glad it all worked for you

[–]FKAIrisWife (3y) mom (1y) former mod3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

You aren't alone. So many couple struggle to conceive. It's a topic our society doesn't really talk about. 💚 just keep focusing on this as a team. The two of you verses the problem.

[–]jtriangle 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

That is the terrifying truth isn't it. We don't talk about it, but on the whole the average fertility rate is wayy down.

Realistically, struggling is normal now.

[–]la_scozzese33 married. Together 14 years[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, apparently in particular male fertility is falling. One theory is that it’s all of the oestrogens and phytoestrogens used in factory farming

[–]la_scozzese33 married. Together 14 years[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

That’s how we’re trying to look at it...

[–]whataday_952 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It can take a long time, and if the man feels he is the cause, it can really hurt. This is really hard on him. But depending on what the underlying medical issue is, there are many things he can do. He can muscle train, which will boost testosterone and sperm production, and has the added bonus that he'll look and feel better. Also he can lose weight and watch his diet closely, which will help with sperm DNA fragmentation. This will also make him feel better. There are other environmental factors such as BPA from plastic and thermal-printed receipts that really screw with the male reproductive system--avoid.

But the emotional part is the hardest. This is not only his problem; male fertility is down across the board and nobody knows why. In the modern age, men tend to lack a social support system, because normal male bonding is short-circuited by a variety of social factors. He probably feels that you're the only one he can talk to about this. You are a big part of his support system, so make sure you take care of yourself. Lean on your friends--that's what they're there for.

[–]nevomintoarce1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

In the modern age, men tend to lack a social support system

In the old age the support system for male infertility consisted of assuming the wife was infertile.

[–]la_scozzese33 married. Together 14 years[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think it is harder for guys in a way, as they don’t feel they can talk to anyone about it. So yeah, you’re right

[–]g_e_m_anscombe3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I know you said that it’s his an issue on his side, but you may also be able to improve the odds on your side. (Doctors are often shockingly ignorant of women’s health.) I would encourage you to look into something called Natural Family Planning and the book Fertility, Cycles, and Nutrition by Marilynn Shannon. Her tips might up your odds, even if your husband’s sperm count is low. May the odds be ever in your favor! ;)

Ultimately, you may also want to consider an option like adoption to start your family. Or be patient. It’s hard, but many people find that they get pregnant after starting the adoption process (or they have a child a couple years later).

[–]la_scozzese33 married. Together 14 years[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

We’d been using natural family planning before trying as a contraceptive method. The worst thing is we actually fell pregnant by accident the year before we got married - unfortunately I miscarried but I guess it made us complacent. It was a shock to not be able to get pg just 2 years later. We are both making some lifestyle changes to increase our chances too.

Re. Adoption, it’s always something I’ve wanted to do whether or not we can have a baby naturally, but he just doesn’t feel ready for that. I think he feels like it would be admitting defeat or something?

[–]g_e_m_anscombe0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

The funny thing is, we know two couples who finally decided to go the adoption route and got pregnant when they were a step away from adopting. Another couple we know adopted and got pregnant about a year later.

Shannon's book addresses specific lifestyle changes by condition, so it's worth looking into. (For example, although almost all conditions are improved by good nutrition, she offers specific recommendations for luteal phase defect vs. thyroid vs. PCOS.)

You could also try visiting a NaPro doctor. If you bring your charts and have been trying to conceive deliberately during your fertile window for 3-6 months with no success, they will often start treating you (vs. one year minimum with a normal fertility specialist). There's a directory of NaPro doctors here. Their approaches are more effective than IVF because they try to address the underlying condition causing infertility.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

No advice. Just wanted to let you know you’re in my thoughts. I can pray for you and your husband if you like. Let us know how things go. Hugs.

[–]la_scozzese33 married. Together 14 years[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you ❤️ And prayers are always appreciated

[–]jtriangle 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

He doesn't feel guilty, he feels like a failure.

Objectively, yeah, tough talk, he is. That doesn't mean that subjectively you can't get him feeling otherwise.

Trying for a kid is stressful. The timing, the scheduling, the temperature taking, the worrying, all of it is not really what you want out of sex and that's a bummer for a guy especially if he could ever have you at his whim.

It's that feeling that I'd start with, try to keep sex more organic, more natural, at least for awhile. Then, when the medical side of things has cleared up, make another run at it.

[–]la_scozzese33 married. Together 14 years[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

We’re making sure that sex isn’t all about babymaking, but it does take the spontaneity out of the equation for about 10 days a month which sucks for both of us. We’re going to just relax for the next few months as we’re moving into a new house soon so that’s stressful enough on its own. We’ll start trying again once we’re settled.

[–]proprioceptorlate 20s, married 3 years1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I am so sorry. My husband and I tried for more than a year for our second baby, and it's such an emotionally stressful experience. It's definitely hard not to view any sort of infertility as a personal failure (even though it isn't). In our case the problem was my thyroid being completely out of whack. I just kept thinking "omg this is literally the one thing my body is supposed to do, why can't it get this act together?"

No advice necessarily, just know that this is more common than everyone thinks. Hope things turn around for you guys and you get your BFP soon!

[–]la_scozzese33 married. Together 14 years[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Thank you! I’m trying not to obsess about it but it’s oretty difficult. Just going into the TWW again now ugh

[–]Hartley7Married for 9 years1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Are you and your husband taking any natural fertility supplements? I am aware of a few which can be very helpful.

[–]la_scozzese33 married. Together 14 years[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

He’s taking a fertility supplement with zinc, selenium and a few other things I don’t remember the name of. I’m on folic acid and have started the Keto diet as apparently that can boost fertility too. What do you suggest?

[–]Hartley7Married for 9 years0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would suggest that both of you start taking a supplement called Fertility Smart. It's cheaper if you buy in bulk and they offer a refund on unused bottles if you become pregnant halfway through the supply. Extra selenium and folic acid on top of the supplement would be great for your husband too.

Try a spoonful of royal jelly everyday. It's produced by worker bees for the development of queen bees. Apparently, it's great for fertility as well.

If possible, have sex three times a week throughout your cycle so that sex does not become routine. As you know, you're more likely to become pregnant during ovulation with frequent sex.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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