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LTR/MARRIAGECan’t keep my mouth shut... (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by Theendisnearornot

My husband and I are in the process of rebuilding our relationship. It’s been a rocky, stressful 18 months or so. Outside of buying our house 2 years ago nothing significant has happened that cause where we are - just life, really.

So today is a good example of where I need to shut my mouth because I “go off of my paper” and end up disrespecting my husband...

I was making breakfast as he was getting ready to leave for work. The dog was in the kitchen (on a leash... she is in the process of being housebroken still). My husband was getting snippy because the dog was jumping on his legs. He walked out to the other room and he asked if I would give him a kiss. I said,” she can still get you there”. He replied that he knew and he felt like I was calling him stupid in a way. I could have just stopped there and said “sorry” or just given him a kiss and sent him on his way. But nooo I needed to be right. I had to get snippy and say “well you were all flipping out over the dog” among other things. At which point he turned around (without a kiss) and left.
So replaying it - I can see where him getting annoyed by the dog is “his paper” and I didn’t need to concern myself at all. And I just should have given him the stinking kiss and not said a word.

I feel like I just spit these things out and I’m so frustrated because it doesn’t help our marriage at all and even pushes my husband away (which isn’t my goal).

How the heck do I remember how to shut up?!


[–][deleted] 28 points29 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

I might be a bit of here, but it seems his behavior is triggering a feeling which you cope with using some snippy, passive aggressive substitute.

Do you know what sets you of in those cases? What do you really want to tell him?

[–]whatdidshewrite28 points29 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It seems like she’s defensive. He admitted that he felt like she was calling him stupid, and she seemed to take that as being accusatory and snapped back.

Sounds like she needs to remind herself that her and her husband are on the same team.

[–]Theendisnearornot[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hmm, good point and we actually had this conversation the other night.

[–]friggandfrayed0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Love this. I often remind myself that we are on the same team and to “put the sword down”.

[–]Theendisnearornot[S] 10 points11 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Honestly,I just want things back to the way they were... where we both could shrug off stupid little things with a smile and joke. Now it seems it’s like we both are hyper aware and “triggered “ by everything.

As I was thinking about it more this morning. I realized I really just want to micromanage his emotions. Like if he is upset - it’s with me or it just disrupts my vibe. When in reality I logically know that’s it’s his own thing to deal with. Because now - I don’t even care. In fact I’ve gotten annoyed by the dog jumping on me... so really just keeping my mouth shut would have been the easier - not as toxic response (bringing us closer instead of driving yet another wedge).

[–]espressolover181 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Out of curiosity, why did you guys get a dog? Neither one of you seem particularly happy with its company.

I think any healthy, honest relationship needs two healthy, honest people.

I'm going to zero in on the dog. The dog doesn't seem to make either one of you particularly happy, yet the decision was made to get a dog. Why? What inspired you, or him, or both of you to get a dog? What was your motivation? Think deep and hard. Did you feel that a dog is what makes the picture perfect family - that that's what people "do"? Did you guys get a dog because you thought maybe it would lessen the tension between the two of you? If you have children, did you get the dog because they wanted a dog?

I'm trying to understand why you do things that don't necessarily fundamentally fill you with joy and satisfaction. The reason why you do those things, might be crux of the issue between you and your husband. Instead of doing and saying truly what you want and mean and think and feel, you do things according to... ego? assumptions? fitting in? "because it's done"? Because someone else wants to? Etc.

All of that hubris. All of that is rubbish that is clouding the truth of your soul and the truth of your husband's soul and what the truth and essence of you relationship is.

When you snap at him, what is it you're really trying to say? What are you feeling that you'd say in an ideal world, but choose to cover up with something sarcastic?

At the core, behind the ego, the fears, the assumptions, and insecurities, the expectations, etc what is that you truly feel, want, and need from him?

[–]Theendisnearornot[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I love our dog. I am frustrated because she is like refusing to be housebroken. I’ve lurked on all the dog training subreddits I can find and done all of the advice given. She had very wet paws because it has been pouring rain and I just brought her in- so she was tethered in the kitchen with us while we were trying to do other things jumping all over us with wet paws. My husband is particular about anything in his personal space at the moment - especially in the mornings (part of our underlying issues relate to his anxiety & OCD).

We had gotten a dog when we finally bought a house. She unfortunately didn’t work out for our family. We had to bring her back to the shelter and we were all heartbroken (she nipped at my daughters face out of frustration and no one felt comfortable around her). After a few months we decided to get another dog on the premise that it is my and the kids dog and my husband doesn’t have to be involved with her training, cleanup, etc. Because of the house training issue - we’ve gone back and forth on keeping her, but yes the kids are a huge part of it. We’ve had her since last summer and we hate the idea of giving her up. Okay, that out of the way...

When we bought our home we both had certain expectations.... none of them planned out for either of us. He thought things would be more organized (I am admittedly a terrible housekeeper and something I am constantly working on getting better at). We both thought we’d jump right in and fix up the house since it does need some work. He basically has something of a break down in the midst of this. He went into full OCD mode and for weeks at a time he would be here, but he wasn’t “Here”. I spent a lot of time “helping “ him but burning out in the process and growing resentful. We stopped having sex, talking, having anything of a relationship. In the meantime our now 8 year old son was having serious anger issues (he has been diagnosed withADHD and has always had a temper, but he also doesn’t do well with transition), I had a 5 month old baby, my now 10 year old was being diagnosed with dyslexia... did I mention I had just started a new job and I homeschool?? So things just weren’t going so great between us. We were roommates.
And yes, we got a dog in the midst of all it.

So now... here we are. He still has some OCD things which I am learning to not take personally. And mornings are rough for him. And it irritates me. Neither one of us is very open with the other because we’ve been burned too often by the other person (yes, I can take ownership of the fact that I stopped being very nice to him). So now We are both trying to rebuild. And we both feel the first step is just being kind to each other. But for me a lot of resentment is still there - and focusing on the positive seems to help, focusing on me and not him seems to help... and I have resentment over his resentment... like how dare he be upset when all that was going on and it’s “his fault”.

So when he gets upset over the dog and it’s in the morning and it’s just a kiss and saying goodbye — I know I need to just give the kiss and keep my mouth shut...

There is a lot I would like from him, but I’m not asking because he can’t give it right now (and vice versus). So I am trying to focus of self care and just being respectful...

[–]espressolover181 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Is it possible for you two to organize a getaway or staycation - even for one night? Maybe your or his parents can take care of the kids? And just be with each other. Without the kids, without the dog, with an imperfect, disorganized house. Just try to bond with each other and see what's really important?

[–]Theendisnearornot[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lol. I just texting this idea to my husband just before I saw this

[–]livefreeofdie1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Get rid of the dog if it annoys you and your husband so much.

[–]Theendisnearornot[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ok I have 4 kids- and there are things that annoy the crap out of me and my commenting on that doesn’t mean I want to get rid of one of them.

I am working on training a few different things with our dog- one of which is the annoying habit of jumping on my legs (she’s little so she only reaches my knees or so). My being irritated by the dog every once in a while doesn’t mean I want to get rid of her.

[–]ObedientLittleWife2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is really important! Get in touch with how you feel and how to communicate that in a healthy way.

[–]WynterBlu7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Admitting your part in the current events of your marriage is half the battle. You've hit that goal splendidly. Now the remaining, more difficult half is implementing the necessary actions to get your relationship back on track. It can be done. One thing you can do is when you're in the middle of a conversation that is raising your blood pressure, stop, take some deep breaths and think about what you are going to say and the consequences of what you say and decide if it's really worth it. A good rule of thumb would be to consider how you would feel if he would say the same exact words to you that you are getting ready to say to him. This will take time and hard, thoughtful work on your part but you most certainly can do it, especially since you are sincerely invested in your relationship and you know he's not a jerk.

[–]JessTheGardener1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Happy Cake Day!

[–]WynterBlu0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Aww, thank you😁

[–]friggandfrayed7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Just came to say that this post is great! Thank you for your vulnerability, as I know I struggle sometimes with what you describe as well. The responses it garnered are equally as important! Thanks again and keep us posted!

[–]eatavacado2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree, I really appreciate this kind of post. Mistakes like this are very common to find yourself in, and reading the scenario and feedback I feel is really helpful to reflect on. Thank you OP for the vulnerability!

[–]Dancersep385 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

One thing that helps me a lot when I'm getting this way is to check my thoughts. I find I get snippy not so much due to anything in the present so much as a lot of negative thinking about my husband in general. A few things that have really helped.

1) bring up problems when everyone is calm. I tend to avoid conflict, but a little goes a long way when it's done calmly and respectfully.

2) when I catch the negative thoughts I first take 10 deep calming breaths while I completely clear my mind. Then I make a mental list of 5 things about him I'm grateful for. It is so easy to always focus on what he doesn't do or does wrong.

3) when possible, in the heat of the moment, try to step outside the conversation for a minute and see if this actually matters long term. Yes? Then maybe have the fight or maybe shelve it for a better time. Tell him you want to shelve it until you're both calm. My husband and I have an agreement to always respect when one person realizes we're having a unproductive fight and diffuses it. If this doesn't matter long term, then bite your tongue bloody (easier said than done, but it's easier as you practice the other things.)

4) physical contact. Even if you're mad, or maybe especially if you're mad. I would have chased him down for that kiss. Ever notice if you go too long without having sex you both get cranky? Physical closeness soothes so many problems if you can just set ego aside and give him the damn hug.

Hope that helps!

[–]Theendisnearornot[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Where we are right now is like a severe allergic reaction...it’s like every little thing provokes a reaction and I am trying to not let it leave my mouth before I’ve had a second to think. And right now it has been a two way street which makes it harder! It’s like “what did you mean by that sigh? Or that look or that tone of voice”.

And we both realize there is some resentment toward each other right now. We had a decent conversation the other night about it. So most of the “reaction” is from that, not what’s happening now. In the past I would have chased him down. But he is fairly cold toward me in regards to any physical touch.

[–]CalvinRichland8 points9 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

You are only responsible for your moods, your behaviors, your reactions.

[–]Theendisnearornot[S] 5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Yes, which is where I see I am going off the rails. It isn’t so much acknowledging that... but more the practical, hands-on, down and dirty application where the whole thing gets lost on me. And I realize it AFTER... hence the post :)

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

New policy. Don’t EVER respond to ANYTHING he says until you have spent 3 seconds thinking about it. Feel free to tell him you are doing this “to retrain your automatic negative responses”. See how that goes.

[–]CalvinRichland9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Keep in mind both sides of this coin. Don't try to make a man calm down or happy.

The other side is just mind over matter. Choose to be pleasant no matter what he does or says. Do it for 30 days. Unless he is a total asshole you will notice you don't have to try after that time because he will start changing too. If more change is needed put in another 30.

If you guys are still having issues, come back and report.

[–]Theendisnearornot[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I like the 30 days. Because he absolutely is not an asshole and I know it will help. Thanks for the idea :)

[–]MissMissive2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've been in relationship therapy for over a year now to try to deal with stuff just like this. I suggest the same if you are serious about 'getting back to how it used to be' as you said in a comment reply. I still don't get it right all the time to just STFU, but besides therapy daily behavioural mantras, habit forming apps to remind me to STFU (among other things) and visual reminders I put up around the house in our shared spaces have all helped.

[–]MissNietzsche3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Are the snippy remarks worth hurting your husband? No. Then practice biting your tongue and stop.

If things about your husband really do bother you, you can go about it in a better, more graceful way, a way that will be direct instead of passive aggressive.

Passive aggressive remarks get you nowhere and all they do is hurt. When you stop them, you'll probably notice the happiness it brings when you choose to be a good woman to your husband, and want to repeat that more. But the first step is doing it; only you can control your own actions, not us. Practice and improve.

[–]Theendisnearornot[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thanks - I’m well aware that I have to do it myself. It’s nice to have a sounding board of like minded women. Most “relationship advice” steers more toward us talking about the whole thing and coming to a compromise. And honestly, I didn’t say anything particularly passive aggressive- it just wasn’t a necessary thing to say to him. I just notice it is a struggle for me to catch the words before they come out and I almost always regret it...

[–]MissNietzsche0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, I really think that just takes practice. It takes a while to change your whole mindset to be thinking about submission/RPW 24/7 around your SO. Though if you look at your captain with the correct lens, and fully accept him as your leader, it gets easier.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I used to have a bad habit of using sarcasm when I was uncomfortable with something he said in front of his friends. I finally started saying to myself "they've been friends with him for longer than I've known him." Basically if it bothered anyone but me, well no one is obligated to stay friends.

Your triggers are different but your response is similar. I'd suggest looking to what is really bothering you across these encounters and creating a mantra in your head. "His feelings aren't my feelings" or "he can handle himself". Something that you actually believe when you are in a non-annoyed state that addresses the trigger.

Combine this with the people here who are suggesting waiting a a couple seconds or 30 days of pleasantness. I found that it helped to defuse my reactions over time.

I also think it helps to apologize. Now YMMV depending on how much progress you show. If you are always apologizing he may start to get annoyed that you aren't getting better. However, I think that if you say "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that and I shouldn't have said it" when you do screw up, it tells him you know when you messed up and it helps solidify the new habits in your brain. Sort of a way of holding yourself accountable because no one really likes to apologize.

[–]redaloevera2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think it's great that you're self aware like this. Othats half way there already. Keep trying and you'll be alright

[–]collectijism7 points8 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

A need to be right comes from the ego. The ego is fragile and needs reinforcement because it feels weak and insecure and mentally inferior. You have to accept that your not as smart as your husband and let others be right. Smart people dont go around making sure everyone knows their right and smart all the time.

[–]Theendisnearornot[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Ouch... and true

[–]collectijism3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Your struggle is not with your husband but with yourself. Its akin to the patient blaming the availability of drugs for their addiction. In the concious mind we see only the tip of the iceberg above the water. Our unconscious mind is really operating underneath the water where 95% of the iceberg lives. Blaiming the concious for your unconcious ills is like blaiming your relationship or your husband or your dog for what really are faults from within. From lack of introspection.

[–]Theendisnearornot[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Well I didn’t outwardly blame my husband. As I realize it comes across as me blaming him by the way I reacted. I realize it’s my shortcoming. It’s been basically the dialogue between us for months upon months. He tends to also be short with me - obviously I can’t change him which is where I am here asking the question. I am trying to keep my mouth shut when I really don’t need to say anything.

[–]collectijism2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah being short from a guys perspective means leave me alone. You do it long enough he should come around. Sounds like a tough impasse your at with him. Its tough to be a nurturing women if its not being reciprocated with a caring man. But someone has to be the bigger person and start the kneeling. Or it will just be a forever stand off. Sounds like his ego is going to be a big problem for him too like it is for all of us.

[–]MissNietzsche1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

What if you actually are smarter than your husband? Lol

It is not uncommon to see a higher-IQ woman unable to find a man who has a higher IQ than her.

[–]Theendisnearornot[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don’t even think it’s that one of us is the smarter one (or if that matters). It’s seeing that he is capable of doing things himself. And I don’t need to spend my energy on making sure he knows how to do things right... it’s the application that is hard ;). And I’d say that true in most marriages and it goes both ways...

[–]collectijism-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It would be the smarter move to hide your intelligence to appease the ego of a lesser intelligent loved one. Being smart is like being pretty its probably a curse anyway if you judge happiness and richness of life in human connection.

[–]MissNietzsche1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Okay, I've probably been doing things in the way you think is right then, especially the latter. Thank you for responding.

[–]curious_historian1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Give yourself time before you say anything.You may have been raised to be sassy or to have to fight for yourself and respect. You need to realize that you two are together and just cause he snaps doesn't mean you should as well. Be there to support each other. When he snaps due to the dog go and give him a hug and a kiss. Send him off to work feeling like he's the man. It will help normalize your relationship and bring it to a point where he'll reciprocate in same way. He's under a ton of stress and you're adding to it.

[–]Mollusc6 1 points [recovered]  (4 children) | Copy Link

Hmm against the grain here. But your husband sounds like he has an inferiority complex and is himself 'defensive' as you said he felt like you were questioning his 'intelligence'.

Most guys do not take everything , or even little things as an assault on their manhood or intelligence, their sensitivity to it tends to belie underlying issues which could be:

1)He was a stable guy, but for some reason through the relationship you've emasculated him, and made him feel ashamed of himself, now he's hyper aware and uncomfortable around you/ snippy.

  1. he was never as stable guy, he may have and something I'm his youth that made him sensitive to insult, he takes issue to small things, initially im the relationship small things were forgivable but overtime and with relationship stress his old habits are returning.

Is there anything your husband would be ashamed of?

As for the snipping. Its very hard to get out of those simple habits. Once a partner begins resenting the other it that's BOTH together to learn how to step back. This isn't just your burden, try and avoid resentment.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

The OP is the one asking for advice. You can only change yourself so it is her burden. Analyzing her husband is not helpful here.

[–]Mollusc6 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy Link

It is advice.. for her to think about her relationship and about her husband from.a different angle and then fix herself in response.

I had a guy for years who was 'sensitive' in every other situation he was tough, intelligent, a very strong balanced guy etc. However something similar happened. To me being snarky is just talking, but to him it was if I was insulting him every second word. I became angry and frustrated because I simply couldn't be 'myself' I had to walk on eggshells also as a women I resented perceived weakness in my mate it triggered a pretty deep instinctual anger

It turns out he had autism and a rough childhood, understanding THAT made me capable of changing, being better and kinder. Not lambasting myself about it. Not ignoring my instinctual gut response to resent a partner I perceived as 'weak'. I had to adjust my perspective away from seeing it as his weakness.

In order to change small habits you need to totally change perspectives on situations to re-program better behaviour. I'm suggesting she think on their history, her husband and see what she comes up with to better understand the situation.

Many many many women just don't know how to properly vet a man.

Right now she's caught in a cycle of tension, which is almost impossible to break one way because once the other person is In the cycle they will simply try and continue dragging to into the cycle which is why I suggested talking to the husband. Me and my guy have a code word when we're fighting. When it's said we both step out of the situation and remind each other we both care.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I understand what you are saying. This is a much more solid response.

[–][deleted] 1 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

[permanently deleted]

[–]LuckyLittleStarModerator | Lil'Star[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think you should leave

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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