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Hello, I (28) have been dating this guy (30) for 2 months now. It has been official for a few weeks now. I have met most of his female friends which I don't get an off putting vibe from and are all nice, except one girl. Met her last night, he was grabbing drinks with her and a fellow friend so they decided to swing by my work. (They have been good friends for a few years)

I've seen her Instagram, she has risque pictures on their and a lot of selfies. So I already formed this assumption of what type of person she it. Long story short, she is very flirty with my boyfriend, even right in front of me. Long stair at him with a cute little smile. Light touching. His body language seemed to be responsive to it as well which was uncomfortable. After we all parted ways and later that night I was trying to think how I could handle having this experience. I wanted to wait and see what might come in the future but I couldn't hold it in anymore and told him that I felt she over stepped her boundaries and it makes me extremely uncomfortable now to know they hangout sometimes when she acts like that towards him. If she is willing to act like that in front of me, how is she acting when they are just alone.

(They don't hang out very often, maybe once every 2 weeks.)

He assured me that she is just a friend and has no feelings beyond a friendship with her. He suggested that if it made me more comfortable he will no longer hang out with her one on one and if so I can be there. But I don't want to be around her either and experiencing that again, which I said to him.

I do not want to police my boyfriend, I do not want to tell him what he can and can not do, it is up to him to decide. I am not sure what to think right now. I am taking his word for it and doing my best to believe what he is saying to me, but I can not shake the feeling that she is the type to play games for fun. She likes to stroke men's egos for attention and she's still willing to do it even when the man has an S/O

How should handle this? One day at a time and just stay aware? Any advice?


[–]banooty33 points34 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

If something's going to happen, something's going to happen.

If he truly values your relationship, her flirting will do nothing. If his facade of affection for you is found to be less than durable and he ends up doing anything inappropriate with her, boom, he's just proved to be unreliable and a waste of your time.

No other way to look at it. Trying to control him or her will not change literally anything at all, except start the idea of harboring resentment toward you.

I'd suggest focusing on yourself and what you bring to the relationship. Any human being with a brain will be exposed to things that may be alluring - not just sexually either. But to remain where they are and not simply pursue the next shiny thing that draws their gaze, you have to be more than just a pretty face and a flirty sidekick. And if that isn't enough, you're only a couple weeks in and have avoided a lot more headache had you been in a LTR by the time you came to that conclusion.

[–]Aauo268824 points25 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

“Trying to control him or her will not change literally anything at all, except start the idea of harboring resentment toward you.”

This, this, this. OP, remember this!

[–]sasquatch_pants2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I practice this. I wouldn't want that from them and neither for them.

[–]Mrsdee11 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Agree 💯

[–]yoyo0132312 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Long term or short term investment or not. You need to express boundaries.

This is 100% wrong. One it’s making you uncomfortable. Second you’re the girlfriend in this relationship, Not her, and you need to make that clear, he should not be enabling her acting that way nor should he be acting like he doesn’t notice. Because he does.

The final thing. It’s disrespectful. If this isn’t nipped in the bud or you don’t leave then it will escalate.

I’ve had this happen to me before. Because I didn’t want to be rude I let it go further than I ever wanted and hold resentment over it to this very day. I ignored my instincts and let people disrespect me. Don’t do that to yourself.

I don’t care how old you are. Don’t allow yourself to be disrespected or let anyone waste your time. Cause time is not something you can get back.

Your boyfriend needs to get his act together and apologize to you. And make it clear to this girl that she’s being wrong and that this can’t keep going. Your his girl and that’s it.

If he doesn’t do this. Leave. Don’t waste your or his time any further. Because eventually you’re gonna sound like the bad guy and you’re not. Do not ignore what you see or your instincts.

Good luck

[–]tommyetw59 points60 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

You’re at an age where I wouldn’t waste time. If he thinks you’re worth the long term investment (I’m assuming you’re marriage minded), then he’d do what he needs to respect your boundaries because he values you. That’s the test.

If he doesn’t, then flush him. Sorry. I always had more female friends and I was pretty flirty with gals in general, but they all went away once I got into a committed relationship/now marriage. 100%. There’s never a need for a close female friendship once you have an SO or wife.

You shouldn’t have to police him. Let him know where you stand. It’s up to you how many fails he gets before the test is over. Then you’ll see who he really is.

[–]Kara__El4 Stars48 points49 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree with this. At 30, overly flirty gal pals should be a non-issue, for anyone who's seeking marriage. My husband and I had been dating for about three months, when he went to a wedding and a woman made a pretty clear pass at him. He shut it down immediately and told her he had a girlfriend, because he was a commitment-minded adult.

OP, you clearly don't trust this man very much and, at 28, you're wasting precious time. If you want to wait around and see if your instincts are right, just keep your eyes wide open.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Let him know where you stand, set your boundaries, and enforce those boundaries. If he is open to his female friends flirting with him and makes you uncomfortable, cut it off. If you allow bad behavior to continue that means you are telling him that behavior is okay.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You came to him with your problem; at least try his proposed solution. I think you should take him up on his offer to be included when they hang out and see how well he can shut down her flirtations and enforce boundaries.

Also, him hanging out with this person once every 2 weeks is pretty frequent and if they communicate often outside of hanging out, it's safe to say they're good friends... so if you truly decide you can't stand her and you're not happy with how he handles her behavior, it's totally fine to bow out of the relationship.

[–]AmarosaLeela23 points24 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don’t want to add any judgement to this answer, just facts. I don’t know your boyfriend, and I don’t know his friend. I do know of male behavior, mainly from my husband who objectively teaches me all about it. What we have observed and learned is that men always want to fuck, and they’re opportunistic. Yes, they can be just friends with a girl but not because of their will, almost always because of the girl who is the one who puts the boundaries (men would fuck at any given opportunity). Cue the phrase “women are the gatekeepers of sex”. They can still have desires to fuck a friend and at the same time not want anything more than a friendship (I guess it makes things easier for them). So let us ask this question: how do we really know that nothing has already happened? Or that he will decide to keep it secret from now on? I don’t have an answer for neither of those. But it’s worth considering. For all these reasons my husband never goes out with a female (unless I’m with him) but not because I forbid it, rather because HE is the one that says that it would be very disrespectful. Same thing goes out for me.

This knowledge might be a little uncomfortable but I feel like I needed to weigh in with a little bit of truth. Male behavior and male perspective should be considered in order to understand the situation too. Have you thought about asking in a men’s forum? See what they have to add?

[–]jitterybrat22 points23 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

2 months is too early for these sort of issues. I’m sorry but it won’t get any better. I’d leave now while it’s still easy and you haven’t invested too much time and energy. Before you know it, you’ll be with this guy for 2 YEARS and she’s still a lingering problem and you’re going to say “But how could I leave? We’ve been together for years!”

You also mentioned looking at his phone because of your suspicions towards this woman. That’s understandable but if you have to check phones 2 weeks into a relationship, that’s a huge bright red flag. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 7 months now and haven’t looked through his phone once.

Also, I highly doubt they “made out and that’s it”. Liars will always give you half the truth. I know it’s hard to see it now as you’re in the honeymoon phase but you need to take a step back for a moment and inspect the relationship without rose colored glasses.

He’s lying to you. 2 months of knowing someone? they’re basically a stranger. Trust me. You need to get out before it gets harder. I promise you she will always be an issue. I’ve been there. I can see what’s going on very clearly here.

[–]AmarosaLeela5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

“Liars will always give you half the truth”

This.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Two months is still the honeymoon phase and they're already having problems. He's still trying to present his best self right now so "just made out" is probably a lie.

[–]missiesmithy2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're making a lot of assumptions here about someone you don't know. I would trust OP to judge the sincerity of her boyfriend when she brought the issue up.
Now, if she continues to act suspicious and jealous it could cause problems down the road, but she should give the guy a chance to make this right. I've been in this situation and as far as I can see, it's one of those things you inevitably have to deal with as a couple unless you're both in your first relationship ever, or just plain unattractive.
She likely has some beta male orbiters who he would potentially take issue with as well. These things need some time to iron out. No need for such negative projections. She should let this one go, but if it continues to be a genuine problem and he blatantly refuses to be respectful or fair, that should be the time to reconsider the relationship.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's why I don't believe in male/female friendships. When in group settings, yes. When it's not a close relationship, sure. But a close friendship where you text each other frequently and hang out one on one? I don't believe it can happen without one of them developing feelings or having hopes something else might come of it. Not that it's always malicious, in fact I think a huge part of the time it's mostly subconscious. But it's still there, which means the friendship is not competently innocent, and therefore, most people would save themselves a lot of heartache by simply not being close friends with the opposite sex.

He has put you in an uncomfortable and unfair situation. If he's oblivious to the flirting, and now you've made him aware of it, he should distance himself from her. If he knows and he's ok with it, you should break up.

Edit: btw the guys I know who have a lot of female friends are either very beta, or players. You should keep an eye out.

[–]AnarchoNAP11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It depends. Is he aware that flirting is occurring or is he actually oblivious to it? He seems to be cooperative with you.

At the end of the day your problem is always with your SO, not the third party. He either needs to shut her down, or he needs help being aware of these things then he needs to shut her down.

[–]pazjoc4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Dude that's not JUST a friend and listen to your gut. One every two weeks??? That's a lot that's how much I see my best girlfriend we have busy lives. That's too much, my BF can hang out with whoever's but he doesnt because he would rather hang with me and when his girlfriends want to hang w him he tries to bring me with him which I dont like bc he should probably go alone idc though. I would not trust him especially him admitting to kissing her. They should not be friends at all. They kissed because they were ATTRACTED to each other. I'm not exaggerating but I just see through this stuff. Smh.

[–]aussiedollface23 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I daresay he likes the attention. You’ve told him how you feel, not much more you can do now but observe what happens. xo

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

THIS. He's probably loooooves seeing two women fight for his attention, not that he will say that, of course.

[–]Mallorcavon4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

No tbh you should say how you feel that you don’t want them to be communicating anymore because you saw a vibe you didn’t like and you want to develop into more and she would come between that. If he wants you as his woman then he won’t let this girl make you feel uneasy. It’s your relationship so you don’t have to put up with stuff you don’t want to unless you don’t care that they text/hang out then it’s up to you.

[–]ElKod-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I read all the comments and as a male, I disagree.. If he knew this person for 4 years, he had plenty of chances to act on it. Looks like he wasn't interested for whatever reason. Might want to ask him what that reason was and if it can change. Also, do you regularly look through his txts??

[–]sasquatch_pants1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don't. We were in his bed and his phone was charging next to me on his night stand and it buzzed and so I saw her name.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Just like how it's a red flag for women to have several male friends, I think it's a red flag if a man has several female friends. Think about it - what does your boyfriend have in common with these women? He probably enjoys the attention.

You're too old to deal with something like this. I'm 28 too, btw. Even if nothing happens, you will feel uncomfortable wondering if he's secretly talking to her. You might worry that he's resentful towards you for making him choose between you and a friend. It's unnecessary drama.

I also don't like guys who have female friends because in situations like this, he feels more alpha because two women are fighting over him.

It's only been two months. Cut your losses and find a man with guy friends.

[–]AllieLikesReddit-2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If they have been friends for two years, wouldn't something have happened by now?

However, seeing as you have only been together for two months - you probably don't know their 'whole story'.. as hard as that might be to accept. Although I am a firm believer in male and female friendships.

You should have a serious talk with him but do not open it up with hostility or he will not tell the truth. I would casually bring it up in conversation, and talk to him as if you're just curious. So you're right, policing wont help.

If you are really emotionally invested and you think he is worth it, take it a day at a time.

[–]aruezer-2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Leave him now while you can, whatever can go wrong will go wrong. Just look at what happened to Jeannie Mai.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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