Women are expected to do so much these days

englishgirlamerican · 2019-02-27T19:29:07+00:00

women are expected to work like the don't have kids, and raise kids like they don't have to work

Theendisnearornot · 2019-02-27T17:20:02+00:00

We made a ton of sacrifices for me to stay at home with the kids. I now work out of the home just a couple days a week (like tonight I have to give a massage at 5pm - I’ll be home by 7:30). That gives us some “play” money. Personally I think we make it seem like we need two incomes. My grandparents had only one car, no cable or internet bills, smaller house...

Our home prior to this one (that after 12 years of marriage we were finally able to get!) was 700 sq feet... with 4 kids. We have two paid off (10 year plus) vehicles and no other debt than our mortgage. It was important for us that our children be raised by us - not daycare.

Dancersep38 · 2019-02-27T18:14:23+00:00

I'm a SAHM and my husband freely admits he could never do what I do and that my job is WAY harder (and he has a pretty demanding career.) I watched my mother "have it all" and noped right the fuck out of that. Most women would be perfectly content to stay home. We've been lied to and sold a false bag of goods for decades. The best thing we can do is be honest with our children moving forward.

Some families will always need (or want) the second income, but so few women are told the harsh truths of being a working mom. It's more than just a little difficult to leave a baby in daycare. There's virtually no such thing as work/life balance; something is going to suffer.

Hugs to you! I believe a lot of people are waking up to this and trying to provide alternative employment and childcare situations. I don't know what would help your family the most, but I hope you find solutions!

rpmc83 · 2019-02-27T17:17:07+00:00

I'd never expect a woman to raise my kids and work full time when all I was doing was working the same hours as her. If we're working the same hours, it follows that we share the load equally and provide the yin and yang (masculine and feminine) balance needed for children to grow up in a balanced and healthy environment. I work with guys who altered their schedule to take their kids to school in the morning and who sometimes have to stop by the office with them to get something in the afternoon. Whatever you're describing isn't universally accepted by men.

goldensurrender · 2019-02-27T20:47:42+00:00

AMEN. I realized this when I turned about 26 and looked ahead at a potential life of finding my man, having kids, raising them in a healthy and fulfilling way, and still working the way I was, and said NOPE.

I looked around and didn't see a ton of guys who would be really on board with supporting a SAHM and made the decision that I wouldn't have children unless I can be a SAHM. I got to the point of accepting that I won't have children, which made me kind of sad.

So then I made it my goal that I would change up my dating game and make it VERY apparent that this was my life goal--to be a wonderfully dynamic SAHM and wife. I figured hey why not just let them know on date #1. Worked out pretty well because I met my fiancé who is SO on board with this and really sees this modern dilemma for women as us getting the short end of the stick.

If you are young and you feel this way, be convicted and make it known that this is how you want to live your life. There's no shame in embracing it. I hope more women wake up to this and realize we've been sold this life-style mostly by corporations who want to profit off of two-income families. Take back your feminine power and say F no.

situations_13 · 2019-02-27T18:16:26+00:00

I agree, I wish I could stay home. I was too focused on independence early in life and I out earn my husband significantly. It would be a huge financial burden for me to stay home. I am going to do what I can for baby number 2. I will take the 6-8 paid maternity leave and use the unpaid 12 weeks FMLA. I will get around 5 months at home which is way better than my first child where I only had 8 weeks. Thankfully my husband stayed at home with her for 3 years but I really wish I could be the one to stay. After swallowing the red pill, I realize how important being a SAHM is for children.

MissNietzsche · 2019-02-27T16:53:17+00:00

I want this, but I don't know if it's really feasible for me and my partner :/ :(

littleshroom · 2019-02-27T21:26:34+00:00

As a European, it's also a byproduct of the lacking American maternity leave. I get goosebumps thinking about going back to work at 8 weeks post partum. It seems inhumane to the parents and the child, and especially for the woman who has been through so much physically and emotionally. Let's not even talk about lack of sleep and having to be in your top shape for doing your work well. It's insane.

I'm a sahm for 3 years now and about to have a second baby. I'll be honest, some days I'd rather have gone to work. Dealing with tantrums, illnesses, pregnancy and household is a lot. It's mentally exhausting because it's non stop and it's rather isolating.

Obviously, though, I'm privileged to be able to do this. We were lucky that my husband has a good job and can provide for a family. We do what we can to sometimes make ends meet, but this arrangement makes it less stressful for both of us. I deal with the house, he deals with work. In the evening we parent equally. He has taken on night duty with toddler,so I'll get more sleep with the baby, and everything else imaginable to let me rest. I do the same for him.

Honestly, another big thing has been letting go of control as well. I've stopped trying to do everything on my own and be perfect. Oftentimes I admit that I'm stretched out and he takes the reigns. I've learned to forget about tiny things and just ignore the unimportant stuff, even though, being a type a person, I have a difficult time. We both prefer calmness and stress free environment at home, than being extremely productive. Right now, in the midst of having small kids, it's best.

Overall, though, choose partners who are appreciative of your work and actually know how much you do. No matter what, if you work, or you stay home. My husband has never once criticised my household care skills. Not once has he asked me to do more. Same for me. I have never criticised his efforts at work. I have never criticised him not doing enough at home. We both know, that the best long term strategy is being the best partners for each other thst we can be and uplifting each other, rather than criticise. It's been a tough ride and we're in it for another year at least, with the baby coming and everything. But I'm glad to be doing this insane thing with someone like my husband.

Weirdly enough, I've gotten so much crap from other women when I have appreciated my husbands efforts. Many of them think of me as some sort of unable and weak idiot, who my sad husband needs to save every day, even though they have no idea how much I do and how much I've gone through these past few years with chronic pain in both pregnancies and all the health emergencies. Oftentimes it's straight on 'I'd be a better wife than you" sentiment. I hate it and have stopped openly complimenting my husband in front of my female acquintances because of this attitude. It's made me even more of a hermit than before.

idontcareabouthaving · 2019-02-28T02:26:31+00:00

I’m 38 and never had a child because of this reason. I feel sad sometimes that I will never be a mother but I can’t imagine leaving my baby at 6 weeks old in day care all day while I have to work. My husband makes 50k a year and that is just not enough to support a family.

Hannelore010 · 2019-02-27T17:21:22+00:00

While there are many benefits to staying at home with your kids, there are also many downsides to that lifestyle as well. I stay at home with my baby and I love it but also hate it.

While I think the benefits to being a SAHM outweighs the disadvantages, I do understand why many women these days pursue careers instead

Hammocknapping · 2019-02-27T23:54:20+00:00

It irritates me to no end that you believe women were staying at home en mass to raise their children prior to the “modern” era (I’m assuming you’re referring to pre-WWII), because it is simply not true. In reality, this idyllic picture you have in your head of the simple life was limited to securely middle class, white women.

Women in the lower classes were already working outside of the homes. Heck, children in the lower classes were working outside of the homes. In fact, this has never been the case for the vast majority of African American, Latina or immigrant women.

Additionally, women who were in the upper classes were not spending their time at home attending to and caring for their children. These children were cared for by lower class women, like I mentioned above, while their mothers kept a full social calendar.

So, just an FYI, the “good old days” you’re wishing for were not like that for most families.

Zegiknie · 2019-02-28T10:01:13+00:00

I'm a housewife and my husband helps out with the kids and shopping and I have at times hired help and I have still literally passed out from exhaustion several times.

Nobody can have it all at the same time.

actually67 · 2019-02-27T21:40:52+00:00

I agree. I am very fortunate and blessed that my husband earns enough for me to stay home with our children and homeschool them. And he always shows a lot of appreciation for what I do. I see many of the mothers in my life who have no choice but to work and they lament not being able to stay home with their children. They seem exhausted. I really do empathise with them.

tannamel · 2019-02-27T20:18:30+00:00

There is a reason that women today are more stressed than ever before in history. And what you just said is that exact reason.

keep fighting the good fight.

Lemminger · 2019-02-27T20:42:16+00:00

is tenfold of what men endure (at least in my experiences)

Bullshit.

Hannelore010 · 2019-02-27T18:42:41+00:00

I know many women who didn’t realize they wanted to stay home with their children until after the debt had accumulated. There are a lot of families who really need two incomes to pay student loans, past mistakes,etc (there are a lot who don’t, either, but think they do...). I always assume the two incomes is really necessary

Everyone working hard and pitching in, whether home or not, and being realistic about what they can afford is the key.

I’ve had resentment toward the women who flood job markets (and suppress wages, because usually they are the secondary earner in the family and will accept $40-50k with poor benefits, when before the position paid more) when my husband was unemployed, but it was a petulant attitude and I tried not to nurse it.

My parents sacrificed a lot to have my mom stay home, and we knew from the start I would, at least until our youngest was in high school. It’s considered a “lifestyle,” not the norm, and we sacrifice some things to have that lifestyle

Complaining about the short stick single income families got when everyone thought all adults in a household should work outside the home is like complaining my grandpa drew a good pension for 30 years after faithfully working as an accountant right out of high school for 50 years, and he was loyal to his employer and his employer was loyal to him

Neither of those scenarios are returning any time soon. It’s not fair, but so many factors have to change—and so many things were different post-war and can’t be replicated—that pining and whining about it is useless

Work hard and take pride in what you do, whatever that is—who cares about anyone but your husband’s approval. If you’re younger and value being a stay at home parent someday, don’t accumulate debt, save all the income from one earner, etc

My husband works extremely long hours; my father and father-in-law, other male friends and relatives who are fathers especially work incredibly hard, sometimes moonlighting on the side. I’m not sure even if I had to go back to work I could say I’m doing more than they are—everyone’s just working hard! Which is good

Dolliesimpson · 2019-02-28T02:31:28+00:00

I’m the bread winner in my relationship so no kids for me. But if I did, the dad would stay home. Is that bad?

handklap · 2019-02-28T12:55:25+00:00

Stay at home mom's are called lazy

No one thinks they're lazy, especially with young children. This might apply once the kids are teenagers, but otherwise this isn't a thing.

MsScamander · 2019-02-28T15:25:22+00:00

Housing Prices are going through the roof here. Most People rent but still. Rent might even eat up 50 -60% of the whole income.

melonmagellan · 2019-02-28T20:26:49+00:00

This doesn't really address how hard it is to get back into the workforce after you have an eight-year gap on your resume from being a SAHM.

pr3me · 2019-03-04T09:06:05+00:00

Modern fathers are expected to all of those things too. Also, it was the feminist movement who got you jobs and voting rights, that's why you're expected to work and not stay home with kids

NoCharism · 2019-03-04T17:28:35+00:00

Did you know, that if you throw all the women out of the workforce, that the salary for men will rise?

Companies will pay more, if the workers are rare.

But even then, i think the problem will not be solved, because of inflation..

Its truly sad, men are discouraged to start anything, because everything is so expensive..

Ive heard from people, that back in the 50's even somebody like a cashier could afford a house..

Nowadays you need to study, get a bachelors degree and then you need to find somebody who needs you and pays you good..

What a sad time to grow up in

Red-Curious · 2019-02-28T03:28:43+00:00

This all stems from the balance of privilege and responsibility.

Once upon a time, men had the privilege of dominance in the workforce, which compelled responsibility for maintaining the nation's economy and being productive in their careers. When that privilege was taken away and shared with women (the "rightness" of which I'm intentionally not commenting on here), men stopped having any motivation to bear the responsibility of maintaining the workforce. So, we see a lot of guys abandoning profitable careers to content themselves with dead end positions.

Men also used to have the privilege of headship in the home. This came with the responsibility of leading the home and providing for it. When that privilege was taken away and given to women to run the show, the men stopped taking the responsibility for being leaders or providing for the home either.

Men used to have the privilege of authority over the children. This came with the responsibility of staying informed about their needs, making decisions regarding their care, and setting up a plan within the household for how to meet their needs. When that privilege was taken away and given to women with modern custody laws, men stopped bearing the responsibility.

I know it's a lot more complicated than the simplicity I'm trying to lay out right here, and there's value in nuance and the way that women had privileges and responsibilities in the past too. My point is simply to say: women wanted all the same privileges men had in past societies, but this also means bearing a greater burden of responsibilities as well.

Today, virtually all societal privileges are either shared equally with women or are given overtly to women over men. And then many women are upset by the fact that men aren't stepping up to bear the responsibilities to earn the privileges that they couldn't get back if they wanted to. This is why there are so many man-children who treat their wives like mommy 2.0. If they're not going to get recognized and rewarded for all of their hard work, and in the event of a divorce she's still going to get all the custody rights, all the spousal support, half of all the assets that she didn't work to earn, etc. ... why bother putting in the hard work? While most men don't think this consciously, they still instinctually recognize that they have more to gain and less to lose if they shift all the burden on women, since those women are going to end up getting the privileges either way.

Again, I'm not commenting on the rightness or wrongness of any of this - just that this is what happened, explaining quite clearly why women are expected to do so much today. This is not how I run my home, but I also have a wife who is readily submissive and supportive of my leadership, which simply doesn't exist in most marriages today.

Irl_girl · 2019-02-27T16:40:07+00:00

I'm sorry, can I ask what this has to do with this subreddit? You've never posted here before and this post is almost entirely complaining.

Your post history says you're divorced, so in a way, you signed up for raising children while supporting yourself in a co-parenting relationship.

Yes, sure, it's hard. We all are pretty aware of that here. This place isn't a place to complain, it's a place to learn and grow. Are you looking for tips or something?

S1ayer · 2019-02-28T08:17:52+00:00

This is because everyone is rushing to start a family. Have a small marriage ceremony and put that money away. Then spend a good 5 to 10 years enjoying each other and saving. Also has the side effect of putting your marriage through the tests before you have a kid, so that kid doesn't grow up with divorced parents.

Have your 2 kids at 35 and 37. They will be 18 when you're 55. Then you have 10 years to save for retirement.

Obviously, there's exceptions and bumps in the road if you can't find the one, but I feel this roadmap would fit a large portion of people who get married right out of school.