My wife decided to snoop on my computer last week and managed to find this account. Hi, babe! No, I'm not creating some stupid throwaway account or changing my profile. The first post she read was The Consciously Crazy Wife. Yikes! Haha. "I knew you were hiding something, and I just wanted to know all of you," she said. It was a clear invasion of privacy, and I called her on that, but women are gonna do what women are gonna do. So, I ask her with a smile if she'd read my OYS comment about enjoying her dripping wet juices. She had, and we laughed together, though she was a bit embarrassed.

I think she likes being a bit embarrassed when it's just between the two of us. She'd never admit it openly, but her behaviors in those moments don't lie. Another thing that I haven't done often, but also gets her embarrassed, is sexting. So, I figured I'd write a post on it. Let's see how embarrassing this can get ;)

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SEXTING FRAME

Texting is only for logistics, right? As a general rule, yes. But there are times, especially for married men, where it can be advantageous to rev up the engines even before you get home from work or while one of you is away on business. I do not sext very often. But when I do, I really enjoy it. It's a fantastic experience. Sometimes she seems to get into it, whereas other times she's quite dismissive. Unless she's sexting right back, it's not always easy to gauge how she's receiving it, but I'm not as interested in that, as the stage it sets is usually quite fruitful when we're back together again.

What makes it difficult to gauge is that you have no behaviors to observe. All you get is what she says, which isn't always reliable. While a particular line might make her feel warm and blush, she could very well respond: "Stop it. This is uncomfortable." Or she might say, "Aw, that's cute. Are you picking up the kids today?" and totally dismiss what you said until you get home and she's ready to go. Other times she may play along. If all you get are her words, you have no idea what's really going on in her head.

Conclusion? Sexting is less about how it makes her feel and more about how it makes me feel. I simply enjoy talking sexy to my wife. It shows confidence and dominance, especially in those times that she doesn't engage. It sets a plan and expectations for how the night is to go. It makes me horny all day so I'm rock hard by the time the kids are in bed.

Now, I'm married to a reserved "good Christian girl" type. Any form of "naughty talk" makes her feel awkward and uncomfortable. Just taking a selfie showing some cleavage is groundbreaking for her. As a result, her ASD is remarkably high when it comes to these types of things. So, it's automatic for me not to expect or look for any validation in her responses (not to say she doesn't give it). But I still do it anyway. Why? Because I find it fun. And it's great when she does respond anyway.

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DEVI

I'm sure there's a lot of nuance based on the particulars of each person, but bear with me. While I'm a lawyer by trade, I love writing in my spare time. I've written both fiction and non-fiction books - but fiction writing has been particularly helpful to me. When I'm thinking about how I want my night to go, it doesn't just run through my head like a scene in a movie that I'm watching. As with writing fiction, I can place myself in the scene and experience the fullness of the moment yet to come. That's what makes sexting come alive for me - it's not just imaginative foreplay; it's a whole new world of anticipatory gratification. Instead of wishful expectation, I find myself immersed in a world of my own making and inviting my wife to join me there.

Even beyond the principles you'll find below that I draw from my experience as a writer, there are some basic concepts that are valuable to making sexting a fun and enjoyable experience for me, and hopefully for you too, and which can set a solid stage for evening activities. I have found Daniel Rose's "DEVI" system quite helpful in creating a framework for me to really get into it, which I hope and often find gets her into it as well.

• Dominance: Sexting works best for me when it comes from my frame as something I'm leading for my enjoyment and I'm inviting her along for the ride. I set the stage, she follows. I push boundaries and make her feel uncomfortable. I'm in charge of the conversation and say what I want, free of restraint. I also don't place pressure or expectation on her to respond a certain way. My sexual energy directed toward her through text is not dependent on her approval. I can just be me.

• Emotion: I have to be feeling it. My emotional state matters most. If I'm into it, she can get into it. To transfer my enjoyment into her, I must target her feels, which is when reciprocation is most likely to occur. With no emotional transference, while I may be having fun, she'll ultimately write me off and not engage back. This is where I screwed up the most recent time I tried this - I hopped in too far too fast and didn't get her feeling it right away. When she wants it, she'll play along.

• Variety: I'm sure you can imagine what a boilerplate sext conversation looks like. I'm a lawyer and even I hate reading boilerplate, no matter how interesting the document is otherwise. If she doesn't know where you're going to go with the conversation, it leaves room for anticipation of what might come next.

• Immersion: This is the single most important aspect of sexting for me. It's what makes it most enjoyable. When actually having sex, immersion often happens naturally. When sexting, it takes a lot of work to leave your environment and feel in the moment. Why? Because you're looking at a screen with the lights on and not actually experiencing anything that's being said. Yet romance novelists are able to create immersion for women in airports, coffee shops, and even public restrooms all the time. It's doable. But it requires creativity and stage-setting. I have found myself so immersed in these types of conversations that I must step away from my office desk to make sure I'm not leaking in my pants.

With those principles in mind ...

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PRACTICAL TIPS

Of the list below, take what works for you and leave the rest behind. These are just things that have been helpful to me in maximizing my enjoyment of sexting with my wife.

Be Authentic. What makes sexting most enjoyable for me is that I authentically want to do everything I'm texting. That doesn't mean I can't embellish, but my words are coming from raw, genuine desire and expressing parts of my intentions that often go left unsaid. And they usually should go unsaid if you're not at a distance. Do, don't say. But there's still value in saying it from time to time and expressing your sexuality in a different way. Besides, if you're not authentic and just screwing around, she'll see through it and it ruins the experience.

This is Not a Joke. While you can joke, don't let the entire exchange become a joke. There's sometimes a temptation (especially if sexting is brand new to your relationship) to maintain plausible deniability by doing something in a way that it can be played off as a gag.

Example of what not to do: Take a dick pick. She responds shocked and confused rather than engaging the way you hoped, so you say, "Yeah, that was funny. Can you imagine if we actually did those things like other people do? Haha. Glad we're not like those weirdos." No. Don't do that. Own it. Again, be authentic.

Strategically Limited Use of Emojis. I prefer to avoid emojis whenever possible. However, sometimes the situation calls for it. The best use of emojis seems to be for transitions. You're having a serious conversation about who's getting the kids to practice, then you transition with a wink to change gears from logistics to flirting with a transitional phrase.

Example: "Thanks for taking care of that. I'll have to reward you later ;)"

Saying this with a straight expression, no emoji, some people might not get the hint. Once you use this singular emoji, because the context of the conversation has already changed you shouldn't need to overdo it afterward. She should recognize the suggestive nature of your speech.

Be Different. Abuse the impersonal and tone-deaf nature of texting by acting out of character. If you're normally a serious, straight-shooter, add some humor and light banter to your sexting. If you're usually a comedian in the home, imagine your persona as that of a secret agent trying to get a Russian spy into your hotel room. This change of character adds an air of mystery that's a little exciting. Even if she doesn't know you're doing this, it can also give you slight hints of role-playing if you've never yet introduced that into your marriage.

Ex. You're typically a funny guy in the home. While you can incorporate humor into your sexting, maybe you shift from humorous flirtation to serious. "I want you. Against the wall. I'll look you dead in the eye. My left hand will hold your face. You can't look away as my fingers slide inside you. I want to see that moment in your eyes."

The reverse should apply as well. If you're typically a straight shooter, try to add a bit more humor and light-heartedness.

Use Strategic Pauses. Long paragraphs are great for novels, but they don't let her linger on the moment. Sexting should build over time and take time. Novels can get a girl going because there's enough content for her to read for an hour straight to keep the tingles alive. When you're texting, you can't type that fast. You have to let her linger from phrase to phrase, waiting for what comes next. Put periods in sentences that you'd otherwise string together.

Ex. "I want you against the wall so I can look you in the face while I slide my fingers inside" becomes the example in the previous point, broken up with a new text where every period is, maybe leaving 10-20 seconds between texts.

Make Her Feel Like the Perverted One. ASD may cause her to present as sweet and innocent, maintaining her self-image (particularly true among Christian women). Nevertheless, if you ignore her self-perceived innocence and act like she's making the dirty comments, this can open up the atmosphere for further conversation. If she feels like you already think she's a little kinky, she has the freedom to feel a little kinky and engage in-kind.

Ex. After the "I'll have to reward you later ;)" text (above), my wife replies: "Flowers? :D" Total ASD. She knew what I meant. So, I respond: "Hmm ... props for being creative. I never thought about using flowers that way before."

Lead by Example. If you want her to say something flirty, be flirty first; if you want her to say something dirty, say something dirty first; if you want her to send a naughty picture, send a naughty picture first. Just don't run faster than she's willing to go if you're expecting her to respond in-kind. Pace the escalation.

Ex. I was once flirting with my wife while she was in an air port and I was at work. I was escalating to the point of exchanging pictures. She was shy and unwilling to show cleavage. So, although my ordinary tone of texting is serious (and therefore I'm employing more humor in the banter), I take a pic of myself pulling my work-shirt down with my pecs pressed together, making a kissy face. "See how easy that was?" It made her laugh and she returned in kind.

Use Additional Technology. I have Google Home and Amazon Firesticks set up in my house, each linked to my Spotify account. While at the office with my wife working from home, in the midst of sexting my wife I pulled up Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get it On" and remote-casted it to one of the devices in my house. Apparently it scared her at first (note: check your volume levels before you leave the house), but got her to laugh and pulled sexting out of her phone and into her ears.

Don't Ask or Beg. "Can you send me a nip pic?" is not cool. "C'mon. Just do it. You know you want to." Even worse.

Do Give Instructions. "Tell me ..." or "I'm going to do ... then you're going to send me a picture of your ..."

Don't Tell. Show. Not just with pictures. Craft a narrative. Think of details that are highly suggestive without saying what you actually mean. The imagery of "pants around your ankles" is far more titillating than telling her you want to pull her pants down. The small details are what make the experience come alive for the imagination - not just for her, but for you as well.

Don't Be a Poet. The offset of the previous point is not to go crazy with metaphors and grandiose language. It destroys authenticity. When you evoke her brain, you ruin immersion. You want your brains to be shut off from the fact that this is all text and living in the scene you're setting.

Use Your Senses. Don't just talk about what she looks like. Consider your five senses in the way you paint a picture.

• What do you see? How are her clothes resting on her body? Are they sliding down her shoulder? Are they in a heap on the floor as you walk over them? Are her nipples standing upright? Are her breasts clenched together? What does she see? Is she staring into your gaze? Are her sight and thoughts lost in the black behind her eyes? Are the lights on or dim or off?

• What do you feel? Are there goosebumps? Does a rush of cold air blow over you? What does the room smell like? Are you imagining lit candles? Clean bedsheets?

• What do you hear? Is she moaning? Is the ceiling fan gently humming? Is there a sexy playlist on in the background? Are the springs creaking?

• What do you taste? How delicious is it for her body to run across your tongue? Are you toying with strokes of sweet strawberries or frigid ice across her tongue?

• What do you smell? Are there candles in the room? Does your nose catch the scent of her southern aroma? Is she riding you so hard that you can smell the energy dripping off her skin?

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You have any other tips that have worked for you? I'd love to hear them. While I've immensely enjoyed my experiences with sexting, especially as one of the few areas where I get to express my writing prowess with my wife, I recognize that I don't do it often and would love to hear more about what works and what doesn't. Given the fact that my wife travels quite a bit for work during busy seasons, this is an art I'd like to continue enhancing and practicing more frequently when the situation calls for it.