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Haven't been on here in a while, but just went back to the toolbar and saw this post below on the final exam theory. Where do I learn the things written below ? are there resources in the toolbar on how to get him to commit ( how to be a keeper ) .. where can I learn everything I need to know to be the woman who will pass this proverbial test?

The Final Exam

đź“·THEORY

Last time I spoke about the apparent contradiction between men pressing for sex (and not wanting to be put off), and men wanting partners with low n-counts. And how these are actually two manifestations of the same male desire for a passionate, involved partner.

So, it may not be hypocrisy, but it still leaves today's young woman with a problem. She cannot simply treat men like slot machines where you pull the sex handle until you win the relationship jackpot... because with each pull, her odds get worse. Entering into a series of sexual relationship, and simply hoping each one will be "the one that works out" is foolish.

Every time a woman goes to bed with a man, she takes a risk, and makes an investment. Getting to lifelong, happy relationship, with the best possible man, is about managing this risk, and maximizing returns on her investment.

So, answering the question, "What is there?" leads to "What shall we do about it?"

The Final Exam.

"The moment after I first bedded a girl, that is when I would meet her for the first time."

The man who once told me this knew what he was talking about... he had loved a lot of women, some for a single night, some for years, one until breast cancer finally took her in the twilight of both their lives.

It took me a while to understand what he was talking about, but I eventually did. When a young woman meets a man, she naturally asks herself "Is he serious about me, or does he simply desire my body?" What she often doesn't realize is that such is the power of the male sex drive that often he doesn't know, himself.

Simply put, many men, in the first stages of getting to know a woman, are wearing "lust goggles". Couple this with the fact that male emotions are dimmed down to the point that many men are unaware of their emotional state from moment to moment, and you get a man who simply doesn't know what he wants yet. He may say he wants a relationship. He may even believe it. He may try hard for weeks or months. But the true test is how much emotional attachment remains when the "horny goggles" are off.

When sexual desire is out of the equation, whatever remains is emotional attachment.

So:

  • The first "moment after" is like getting your grade back on the final exam.
  • You are just now seeing the results of what you did up to this point.
  • He, too, is just now seeing the results.
  • If he's edging towards the door, or edging you towards the door, you failed.
  • If he's spooning and nuzzling, it's more likely you passed.

Nothing is finalized until those "horny goggles" come off, and promises or facebook statuses don't change this. Men do not leave you because they "didn't pinkie swear". Men leave you if they are unhappy with who you are, or what the deal is.

So, given that the goal is the best possible relationship, with the best possible man, lasting indefinitely if possible, then there are a few obvious implications of this metaphor.

1. Don't take tests if you don't care about the class.

Never have sex with a man if you are not passionate about him, and specifically him. If you want an orgasm, get a vibrator. If you want attention, get a dog. If you are lonely, go hang out with friends. If you want to feel pretty, get a makeover. If you're not sure you're into him, and you want to test it and see, then you're not into him, and you should stop wasting his time. Any relationship that you do not enter into out of urgent desire for that specific man is a bad risk.

2. Don't take tests if you don't know the material and haven't studied.

If "how to be a keeper" is an abstract idea to you, if you don't really know what it means to "be feminine", if you find yourself arguing with men instead of charming them, then you are not relationship-ready, and you need to be in monk mode, working on that, before you gamble on your relationship readiness.

3. Don't take tests unless you are prepared to take responsibility for the results.

If you are focusing on "searching for a commitment-minded man", "finding a trustworthy man", or "making sure he's not a player", then you are shifting responsibility. Getting to sex is men's responsibility, but getting to relationship is yours. There's a reason why we think a college student who complains that "the test was too hard" is a lazy, irresponsible lout.

4. Don't take any class that you are not good enough to pass.

Condemning men as "players" is shifting responsibility, but also be aware that any woman can have sex with a man that is out of her league for relationships. If you know your girl game isn't good enough to reel him in, let him swim past.... even though you know you could get him in bed. Some players are too good for you. Don't like that? Become better.

5. Be prepared to take the test when it's scheduled, or drop the class.

The purpose of a test is to assess your ability. If you tell the professor you need extra time to study, or you will fail, you are telling him you deserve to fail. If things are getting hot and heavy, and you have to put on the brakes and say "not yet, I need you to commit to me more", then he knows you're think you can't pass the test. You are telling him right up front your girl game isn't good enough, and that he won't want to stay without a binding promise in the mix.

6. Choose your university carefully.

Nightclub University gives tests on the first day of class. Maybe if your girl game is really tight, you can pass, but that's risky. Thirsty Beta University gives easy tests after a long class, but who the hell wants a degree from TBU? Fundamentalist Bible College doesn't give very hard tests at all, in fact, sometimes it gives you a passing grade before the test, but it only admits fundamentalists, and commits you to a career in the church. The Homewrecker School of Married Men lets you delay tests, but only a handful of women have ever successfully graduated, and they are not very popular.

Some good schools include Social Circle State, which gives slightly more study time and degree programs are pre-vetted for prestige and career impact. And the Workplace Crown College uses a unique model of allowing students to observe classes for some time before declaring the intent to take them. Clever students will think of other examples.

Key Takeaway points:

  • Turning sex into a relationship is your responsibility, not his.
  • Relationships are only truly tested after sex has begun.
  • Putting men off when they think it's about time damages your prospects. (You are visibly not passionate about him.)
  • Prefer nexting men over delaying them. You are either all-in, or you're out.
  • Balance risks and rewards.
  • The venue you meet in a man in has a lot of impact. Choose wisely.

[–]Vellore9921 Star22 points23 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I disagree with this tactic for the simple reason that there are certain men who are not wanting to settle down, no matter how well a woman girl-games him. That's no one's fault, it just isn't what he's after.

I've always used a different method and it's worked out perfectly for me. Go on dates, meet these men, and don't sleep with them immediately (no matter how badly you might want to). The men who are looking only for sex quickly drop off the radar, leaving you with men who are likely at least open to the idea of a relationship. There's no point wasting your time/sex on men who do not want a relationship, or trying to change these men into wanting the same things as you.

Men who are looking for quick sex can and do lie about their intentions, and young women are especially prone to falling for this. This write up may seem like it could work in practice, but in reality we are not robots. We are women with feelings and often a lack of experience, who can easily be fooled into bed by an attractive, charming man.

If keeping a low n-count is important to you, don't jump into bed with every man you're crazy about hoping you can make him want something he doesn't want.

[–]GenericMiss25 points26 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Here was my girl game, and it’s kind of the opposite of this.

I didn’t sleep with anyone, period. Only my (now) husband. It’s not for everyone and I wasn’t a fundamentalist of some kind, just very clear on what I wanted and didn’t want. I think you have sex and still follow my rules, below.

The core precepts: 1. Have a healthy sense of self worth. Be proud. 2. Always be ready to walk and be able to walk out the door and shut it. He has to know it, not because you threaten or tell him but because he feels it to be true. 3. Be incredible when you’re with him. Fun, flirty. Don’t be stingy with your compliments, don’t be stingy with your praise or your love. Exude happiness and warmth. 4. When you’re not with him, disappear. Let him feel the dearth of sunshine, the lack of your affection. Let him think about how much happier he was yesterday when you lit up his world. 5. Punish him harshly for mistakes related to you. Don’t tell him you’re doing it. You don’t need to sign post. Natural consequences work best. He didn’t ask you out Friday nite? Too bad, now you have plans with a big group of girls and guys. He forgot your birthday? Disappear for a week. Ignore his calls. Have high standards and make him strive to meet them.

For inspiration, read Russian fairly tales. My favorite one is Yelena the Wise- her errant husband and lover, when he screws up, is forced to allow himself be killed and chopped into pieces thrice, then resurrected and slaughtered yet again, in order to win her back.

And lastly, 6. Nagging is beneath you. Yelling is beneath you. Perfect a cool, patrician anger that used to belong to queens and princesses.

The right kind of man will see this and know that you, and only you, are worthy of his affection and he will admire you for it.

[–]lolablackbird[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

thank you so much for this. I am a virgin now anyways so it isn't hard for me to not sleep with anyone right away at all. Your advice really is brilliant here, thank you, it is exactly the aura of high value woman. xox

[–]ZegiknieEndorsed Contributor3 points4 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Only if you can pull this off. Otherwise it just seems like you don't care.

I couldn't disappear for a week if he forgot my birthday (I have a habit of reminding people, so that's a big crime). If that had happened, I would probably well up with tears next time I saw him and say "you forgot my birthday!" - more vulnerable.

Bit creepy fairytale, by the way.

Edit: I was a bit distracted when I replied to this, but I decided to come back on it. Because this approach - I actually really don't see how you can pull this off without coming across like a dominatrix.

If you want more dates, communicate like "I would love to see you again soon!". Being busy anyway just signals that you're okay with it, it is passive-aggressive dysfunction. If he's not enthusiastic to see you early in a relationship, that's strike one for nexting. If he has a good reason, be supportive and give him space.

If he sorely disappointed you, give him a chance to explain or just next. Don't be with a man who needs punishments. Maybe he stood you up, but maybe there was an emergency or he had bigger matters to deal with. No need for silent treatments.

And always being willing to walk away? You either are willing to walk, or you're playing stupid games. That's non-advice.

The creepy fairytale is perfect for a nice blue-pilled guy who will crawl for you. If you demand that a guy suffers and crawls to make things up, that's just wrong. You don't want people you love to suffer. Unless that is your particular kink, of course.

[–]GenericMiss9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Men respect women who respect themselves. I disagree with your assessment that these rules are for dominatrices or women who want blue pill men. Within my framework, you actually get to be warm and soft and submissive because you have built parameters that protect you.

Ultimately it comes down to this: with women who give lots of second chances and don’t have a healthy sense of self worth, men won’t commit. They may enjoy, but they won’t respect. They won’t ascribe value.

The fairytale is indeed creepy. Most original fairytales are. My summary was also a little glib. But it shows the extent to which a man should be willing to go if he loves and values you. You want the relationship for which he would give anything, not the relationship for which he is willing to give a little bit if its convenient for him.

[–]durtykneesEndorsed Contributor2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Punishment/dread games work on the type of men who don't have much experience with women, or men who are operating on a scarcity mindset.

While it's not an RPW-approved strategy, most men (most people) operate on scarcity, so if a woman could actually maintain attraction for such a man, then good for her!

However:

You want the relationship for which he would give anything, not the relationship for which he is willing to give a little bit of its convenient for him.

Both options are extremes. I don't want my husband to give me "anything", because what I want is him (I can get other things on my own if I wanted them!). I also have no interest in trying to squeeze water out of a rock (masochism isn't my fetish).

But then, if every woman was attracted to only one type of man, there's not going to be enough sex-worthy men to go around, even if we're all willing to share :p

[–]GenericMiss4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yes indeed to that last part! ;-)

But to your other points, I think the word "punishment" probably gives the wrong impression. Perhaps "consequence" is more apropos. A punishment "game" to me is: you want a guy to take you to a very expensive restaurant and you withhold sex or affection or dates until he does. That's silly and obnoxious.

What I am suggesting isn't a game or a bluff - it's the opposite. It's having pride, conviction, self-worth. It's setting strong boundaries and not veering from them no matter how much easier it is to say, "Okay baby, I get that you couldn't call earlier because you were just so busy! I would waaaay rather spend time snuggling with you on the banks of the river then having sex by the fire, let me tell my friends I'm canceling our plans."

I had a lot of girlfriends who did B. Who swallowed their feelings and their hurt because they didn't want to seem difficult or demanding, or simply because they just wanted the guy too much. The end result was that they seemed needy, not a challenge, and not valuable. So guys didn't try as hard. That's the "game" result. But the real result wasn't just that they lost the guy, but they lost their self-esteem in the process. And to me that's much more dangerous.

That's what I meant by being willing to walk away, and being willing to demand that a man put you first and give you the world. Because ultimately, you are *giving* the world to him. And if that balance is uneven or wobbly your relationship will struggle and slip.

[–]durtykneesEndorsed Contributor3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, the right words can be very tricky to describe relationship doings. I get what you mean, and I was just using the jargon common in RP subs. You said "Punish him harshly for mistakes related to you." so I replaced the standard "dread game" with "punishment game" :p I'm the type of person who don't even like the term "Captain" (I will always roll my eyes at it!), so I'm definitely not the best with words, either.

I actually started out with your strategy (with a man who was a virgin) back when I was also a virgin, and it's safe and effective. I just can't maintain attraction to "safe" guys (many people would consider this my flaw, just like my complete lack of maternal instincts).


It's setting strong boundaries and not veering from them

This is good advice.

I had a lot of girlfriends who did B. Who swallowed their feelings and their hurt because they didn't want to seem difficult or demanding, or simply because they just wanted the guy too much. The end result was that they seemed needy, not a challenge, and not valuable. So guys didn't try as hard.

You're also not wrong here, because this is a common problem.


However, there're more options than just extremes.

You can have strong conviction and self-respect and be flexible and chill with men --- by choosing the right man for you (I hate using the RP term "high value", because actual value is determined by individuals in the context of any long term relationship).

I didn't need to enforce any boundaries with my husband, because he understands that my boundaries are necessary for me to continue functioning optimally, and he wants me to always give him my very best.

If I have problems with my feelings, I tell him directly, and he doesn't interpret what I say as "demanding" (nor any equivalent of being annoying, bitchy, or needy), because he understands that I crave to please him, and I can't do that sincerely when I have problems with my feelings. So he carefully listens and helps me work through whatever problems I have (it's kind of like fixing a machine, from his male perspective :p).

He considers me valuable because we share a long history, and I'm "very well adapted" to him --- a perfect fit for him. Simply put: his life is just better when I'm around.

Does he consider me replaceable? Sure, with enough time, he could find another happy malleable woman to shape into what he needs, but smart men also know that time is the one thing that will never be abundant for anyone. I'm extremely "expensive" for him to replace and that makes me very "high value", as far as he is concerned.


being willing to walk away

I'll always support women having an abundance mindset (because that strategy has served me very well while I was dating, so I'm biased!), but I think a better advice would be to not walk "towards" someone who has any potential to do things that you'd want to (or need to) walk away from.. :p

[–]karmicreditplan0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Read the Rules for a bit more info on how to manage this hot/cold thing.

[–]ZegiknieEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think my husband would be pretty annoyed of I tried that, actually.

[–]karmicreditplan1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh amen! But it’s really interesting nonetheless.

[–]espressolover183 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

  1. Be prepared to take the test when it's scheduled, or drop the class.

The purpose of a test is to assess your ability. If you tell the professor you need extra time to study, or you will fail, you are telling him you deserve to fail. If things are getting hot and heavy, and you have to put on the brakes and say "not yet, I need you to commit to me more", then he knows you're think you can't pass the test. You are telling him right up front your girl game isn't good enough, and that he won't want to stay without a binding promise in the mix.

This is confusing. So you're supposed to have sex with a guy when he wants it, because otherwise you're implying that you don't think he'll like you enough afterward to stay with you?

If

Getting to sex is men's responsibility, but getting to relationship is yours.

then it's not my responsibility to have sex with him just because he wants to and I'm afraid my saying no will make him think that I'm not good enough and should leave.

If sex is his responsibility, then it's his responsibility to make me feel safe, comfortable, trusting, and turned on enough to have sex with him.

[–]ZegiknieEndorsed Contributor9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Avoid the entire situation where sex could happen until you're sure he's smitten.

[–]palmlocket 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

That post is written by a guy who's long-term live-in girlfriend is a plate. You may want to ignore his advice if that's not where you want to end up.

[–]espressolover180 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ah, makes sense then.

[–]ZegiknieEndorsed Contributor6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

"If "how to be a keeper" is an abstract idea to you, if you don't really know what it means to "be feminine", if you find yourself arguing with men instead of charming them, then you are not relationship-ready, and you need to be in monk mode, working on that, before you gamble on your relationship readiness."

Yup.

I once did a chem test and failed the aspect that was covered in chapter 7. So I went to my chem teacher and said "can you explain this to me?". He said "what don't you understand?". I replied "chapter 7". He sighed. Looked out the window, where the birds were. Quoted some Bible verse about how birds don't work and still get food or something. I got sidetracked and we chatted about birds a bit. Nice guy, that teacher. Anyway, then I took the hint and just studied the chapter until I had an actual specific question.

You're here saying "can you explain this to me?" "What?" "Chemistry"

If you come with more specific questions, you can get advised better. This is just too broad a topic. Give us little field reports and we can give feedback.

[–]bchlladyfrog2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

if you find yourself arguing with men instead of charming them, then you are not relationship-ready

Could you please direct me to resources on how to charm them instead of arguing ? I find myself trying to "charm" them by having rational discussions on a subject, trying to win them over. My strategy was to make them see my perspective, thinking it's the better one, and make them feel grateful for that and be mesmerised by how smart I am. I'm not sure this strategy is working.

[–]HungLikeHilDawgTaTas4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s not because a lot of men will be emasculated by this thinking you’re pulling a power move Be pleasant and available. My ex had a doctorate, I knew how smart she was. The issue we had is that she was very high in IQ but needed years of work in EQ.

[–]ZegiknieEndorsed Contributor5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Keep it simple.

"Why do you want X so badly?"

Don't nag, whine, justify, explain. None of that matters. Don't take yourself too seriously.

"Because it's fun :-D" or "you'll loveit!" or "plllllleaeaease?" or "It's shiny..." or "IT'S SO FLUFFY I'M GONNA DIE!!!" (only for stuffed unicorns). I sometimes go "I'm gonna have to divorce you if you don't (X)", but only over tiny little things that I know he is fine with, and only because we're so solid. Don't make jokes like that if they sting a little.

"Why do you believe X?"

Unless he is actually interested (probably not), don't explain. Just blame it on your blonde hairs, if you have them, or flutter your lashes like an idiot and go "well don't you?" or otherwise do something silly and fun and ridiculous.

For example once this friend of my husband started ranting about people who did something cool long ago and keep bragging years later. So I just gave him my dumbest look and said "what? NoOo! Well I'd definitely brag about that!" First he sighed and started repeating his rant slowly, then he noticed the look on my face (trying to keep it straight instead of chuckling) and he laughed, shook his head and let it go. He toned down the alpha signalling (it's like virtue signalling, but more annoying!) and was chill after that. Do that 1 on 1, it's okay. In a group, that may be a bit nasty (he might feel humiliated). But you can deflate and disarm overbearing guys in non-threatening non-confrontational ways. It's also in the tone and the expression. Trying-not-to-laugh with contempt is very different from trying-not-to-laugh-while-waiting-until-he-laughs-too, and then responding to his smile by letting yours come out.

Only be earnest and serious when it's important to be, or the other person is actually into having a debate and conversation. If that's not the case, just have fun.

If you are ditzy like that, it's even more fun to throw 'em for a loop using big fancy words and giving really good reasons for things unexpectedly, or going "ackchually..." and annoying them with a factoid. But if you're the arguing know-it all all the time, that's just going to wake up their competitive instincts.

If you see a caged tiger, notice how they respond sometimes to kids. Usually they just lie there. But when a child runs by their cage as if trying to escape, sometimes they'll run after them a bit: hunting instincts awaked by the prey-behavior of the kid.

Same with men. Don't act like an opponent.

[–]artsyluna-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I am struggling with this right now. I have been dating a guy for a couple of months and I don't feel ready for full-on sex yet, but we have done everything else. I sleep over at his house a couple times a week, but we can't do much there because his mom and brother live with him and they don't have boundaries. He can't usually come to my place because he is busy with work and family stuff. So we end up just sleeping next to each other because it's often the only time we have to spend together (we are both in college, he also owns part of a business, plays sports, and is studying for a certification exam). I can't help but feel bummed out because this is supposed to be the most exciting part of the relationship, but there just isn't much passion. I think in the last month I went down on him once, then he touched me a little and fell asleep before I was done. I don't know what to do because I feel like he should be the one pushing for sex, and initially he was, but I wanted to slow things down because I wasn't ready yet, and things kind of just fell off after that. I have tried being flirty but I feel like he doesn't notice. I'm admittedly very shy and my "flirtation" might be too subtle. He's a great guy and very ambitious, but this dynamic is affecting my self esteem. I'm not sure if I need to be more patient or if we just aren't meant to be.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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