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The age-old "I'm having lunch with my ex-boyfriend" (self.askMRP)

submitted by Imaginary_Historian

This happened to me yesterday. I upgraded a plate due to good behavior for a while, and she has been pushing for a more serious relationship for a while.

Then ex-BF starts texting her. Long story short, he owes her a significant sum of money which she has been wanting for a while, and he invited her to lunch, supposedly to give her the money.

I, of course, thought this was BS. I said nothing until I researched this topic of girls having lunch with exes. Most just say "hard next" or "soft next" but I found another article that said to say something like "I am not thrilled about this but if you do feel you need to meet this guy for lunch in order to get the money, do the least you have to do, and you have to be back in an hour and you are making me a steak dinner that night." Basically to sound like you aren't mate-guarding. I said that and she said OK.

Now the thing about easy answers is that they sometimes don't end up easy. Our best RP answers look better in print than they usually work in real life. No, this didn't stop there. She fought with me about it. On and on she went. I finally told her that meeting an ex for lunch is not OK with me. Get the money, yes, but this ain't social hour, and the guy just wants to fuck you. I then asked her why she even wants to have lunch with an ex, what do you hope to gain? She said she doesn't want to have lunch at all. I said, if you don't want to, then don't, just get the money and leave. She didn't like that. She fought more and more. Brought up other shit about me. You know how women do that shit. She just wouldn't shut up about it. I just told her the same answer over and over again, stood my ground.

That night she almost refused sex with me. I turned that around and we did fuck, and she apologized the next morning. She met the guy, saying she was just getting the money from him and that's it. She was gone for a *lot* longer than I thought she should have been though.

So at this point, I am waiting for her to tell me how the meeting with her ex went. She has not said a word, and I haven't asked, and most of my RP sense says not to. What would you do?


[–][deleted] 32 points33 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Your line sucks.

Everyone likes to show off that they upgraded. Tell her you’re willing to come as support. If you are it for her, she will say yes so she can show you off. If she says no, then she was alpha widowed and you are a replacement (or she’s hiding something).

Do what you will with this. I would move on.

[–]Imaginary_Historian[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is the article in question where I got the line:

http://www.shakedownlab.com/2014/01/22/when-your-girlfriends-ex-boyfriend-comes-back-to-town/

I agree now that the line wasn't good.

The guy is was alpha in behavior, but was very needy, had no substance, he was not that attractive either. He lost his job while they were together.

[–]Bedtimeshine-5 points-4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

If he borrowed money from her, he’s far from an alpha.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

So... let me see how well you understand alpha/beta

He is providing dick and no resources and you think he’s beta? This is real intro level stuff.

Get rid of that trad con “real man” narrative. He used her feelz to take advantage of her. Not every alpha is a benign dictator like we teach here. Lots of alphas are some real losers.

[–][deleted] 37 points38 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Have they not heard of email transfers? I would demote her to plate and continue with the mission. Don't next, being self-righteous never got anyone's dick wet before...

[–]InChargeManRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You know, they have these people who drive little white trucks to my house every day, I wonder if they could help with this?

[–]animalapemachine4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Solid.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando18 points19 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

She tested your boundaries, exposed your weakness by breaking your frame, then went for the jugular.

You give too many fucks. You have no OI and your frame is weak as fuck.

For someone who was once married and claims to be a RP man, you haven't learned a lot. The fact that you needed to Google an appropriate response to her testing shows as much.

[–]Imaginary_Historian[S] 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

I was doing good, then I let this girl in to LTR territory a couple of months ago when I clearly should not have. Seemed a good candidate and it was going well until this point.

However, is meeting an ex for lunch really a shit test? I figured if she even wants to meet they guy at all, something ain't right

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando6 points7 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I never said it was a shit test - I said she tested your boundaries, exposed your weakness by breaking your frame, then went for the jugular :

​

Tested your boundaries:

First, when she said she was meeting her ex. She could have easily just met him about the money / sorted it out some other way, but she brought it all to your attention... why? To test where your boundaries lie on this.

​

Exposed your weakness by breaking your frame:

You gave her a washy response - part "That's fine, do what you have to do" ..which would have been a fine response.. but then you said "I want you back in an hour".. which showed signs of trying to control her actions. She pushed you to see if you were mate guarding and then... BANG.. " I finally told her that meeting an ex for lunch is not OK with me." You broke frame, showed your insecurities and she knew exactly where your boundaries lie.

​

Went for the jugular:

And what did she do then? Did she respect your boundaries? No - because if you did have boundaries about this - you didn't fucking state them. You tried to come off as nonchalant about it, she pushed you on it, you broke frame and only then showed her how you really felt. So, she pissed all over your non existent boundary and went off for an extended "lunch" with her ex.

​

She probably fucked him. But you should know that. Because you're an RP Man. The kind of RP man who DOESN'T READ THE FUCKING SIDE BAR. If you had, you would have figured this shit out by now. You would also have known that the way to respond to this shit is not to Google a "red pill answer" but to have frame, never break frame and.. if you have boundaries, you don't pretend that you don't.. you fucking state them clearly and punish anyone who oversteps them.

​

So what do you do now? Are you going to punish her for overstepping a half stated boundary that she had to drag from you? FFS. Go read the sidebar and figure it out for yourself.

[–]Imaginary_Historian[S] -3 points-2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I've read everything and I get how RP works, and I even knew when she said she is going to lunch with her ex that this was over. Not even sure I would call it a LTR, she's a plate that was upgraded two months ago.

Yep, she could have gotten the money without any test. I knew the second when she tested me with "meeting for lunch" that this relationship was over. I knew the only answer was hard next. I knew even during the argument that it was all over beforehand and that arguing didn't even matter at all.

I googled for an answer because I invested in her. It's natural to want to salvage an investment instead of walk away and not throw good money after bad, but there isn't a good answer to this except to cut my losses and get my shit out of her house tomorrow.

​

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I've read everything

​

Great, you can read.

​

I get how RP works

​

No you don't. You don't get how RP works, because it's not Red Pill that works, it's YOU that works. Red Pill is not something that you apply like a face cream. It's not something you sprinkle on your Cornflakes that makes you alpha when you eat it. Red Pill didn't give you the wrong answers, Red Pill didn't let you down, you let yourself down.

​

Your two biggest problems are that you have zero frame and that you don't have a basic understanding of the nature of women.

​

If you had frame, you would have known how to deal with this test - and that's not by Googling it. It's not by stating boundaries and it's not by having a DNGAF attitude... yes, it could be either of those things, but the only true way to respond is by standing true to WHATEVER IS YOUR FRAME.

​

If you don't want her meeting her ex, that's what you tell her. That's your boundary. If she wants to meet her ex anyway, she should know the consequences. If she oversteps your boundary, you deal with her as you see fit. That's your frame. Is that mate-guarding? Is that unnatractive? Who gives a fuck. Your boundaries are for you to decide and your boundaries are for you to enforce.

​

If you don't care that she meets her ex, then you simply say "fine, I hope you get the money he owes you - I'll see you later". That's not giving a fuck because you actually don't give a fuck. You're not worried about it, you're not bothered. That's your frame.

​

If you understood women, you would understand that they will constantly test you - shit test you, comfort test you, shitty comfort test you, compliance test you, test your boundaries. It is a fundamental, integral part of their nature and they do so to test your metal, to test your frame, to see if you are man enough to stand up to them, man enough to say "no" to them, man enough to put them in their place, man enough to just walk away and say, "I don't give a fuck".

​

But you don't understand this because you skimmed the sidebar and skipped the hard work. She tested your boundaries, she tested your frame. You broke frame and showed your boundaries to be weak, half drawn lines in the sand. Once she determined that was the case, she lost respect for you and pissed all over you. Why? Because she's a woman and you let her do it. Red Pill didn't fail you on this brother, you failed yourself.

​

I knew the second when she tested me with "meeting for lunch" that this relationship was over. I knew the only answer was hard next. I knew even during the argument that it was all over beforehand and that arguing didn't even matter at all.

​

And you will continue to fail yourself because you keep playing Red Pill like some fucking handbook or manual on "how to succeed in relationships". It's not. It's something that gives you a lot of tools and a lot of information, but unless you read them - and I mean actually fucking read them - understand them, decide for yourself what you believe to be true / applicable in your own life, then apply them, see what works and what doesn't, then you'll learn nothing.

​

[–]Imaginary_Historian[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I read everything, cover to cover. Morpheus said "there's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path." It is this difference that is in progress here.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's natural to want to salvage an investment instead

Sunk cost fallacy.

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

there isn't a good answer to this except to cut my losses and get my shit out of her house tomorrow.

This IS a good answer. Stop being a faggot. Your goal isn't to 'salvage a relationship', it is to take care of YOU! You have already thrown good money after bad, and, it bought you nothing.

Ghost.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

I’m weighing in again because I thought more about your problem and felt the need to point this out.

You are LARPing being red pilled

What you wrote was a bunch of bullshit. You read something online and said it without understanding what it would do?

You got into an argument with her?

You didn’t just stfu?

any way I play this scenario out, all I see is some insecure blue pill guy

I don’t believe you. I don’t believe you’ve spun plates. You need to be honest with yourself and admit you aren’t red. Yet.

You need to move on from this relationship because it’s the only way you will grow.

[–]NaAF12242 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yup. “I researched women having lunch with their ex’s” really gave this away.

[–]Imaginary_Historian[S] 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy Link

I had to look up LARP, seems to have to do with video games. I don't play video games. I'm spinning another plate right now actually. Just because we start a LTR does not mean we drop all of our other plates do we?

We all need to grow though, nobody here is true, natural RP, because if we were we wouldn't be here at all.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

LARP is just a trendy way to say you're bullshitting yourself and living in fantasy.

[–]weakandsensitive2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Don't project your bullshit onto other people.

[–]yes_kid18 points19 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Dude ,whole approach was wrong here. The line you used was terrible - you asked her to make you steak in recompense, as if your whole identity was rocked by this lunch and you needed her to help you recover from it.

Her: "My ex who owes me money wants to have lunch."

You, as you focus on your laptop/phone/something more important: "Haha hes trying to get laid. Get that money girl, life's ain't cheap in this city..."

That's IT.

Or anything along those lines - the point is this shouldn't even have been an issue in the first place. It's her money, her ex, her life, her future, why the hell are you poking your nose in it? You don't own her as a human being, dude. Let her do what the fuck she wants with her shit.

You know what she's doing. You know about branch swinging. You did your research on lunches with exes. But you don't have to fight it - just accept that dating brings this shit with it. Acknowledge it, make light of it, then go back to focusing on your own self. Don't try to empty the ocean with a bucket, don't make her the centre of your being. She will smell the mate guarding in anything less than that.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

She’s his ltr not plate. Don’t you think it matters?

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That’s solid advice for an LTR

[–]Bedtimeshine-2 points-1 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Nope. Terrible advice. I agree with your stance on focusing on yourself and not letting it bother you but the correct answer is “he can PayPal you, if you go to lunch with him or communicate with him anymore after this you’ll be free to do as please with whomever you like.”

[–]weakandsensitive2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Holy fuck stop commenting.

You're a fucking moron as demonstrated above.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

1: Please ban this blue pill retard

You have people begging us to ban you via report.

[–]BurnedRemains11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Next

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret12 points13 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

You sound weak. What the fuck man, is he going go throw his sausage in her while the waiter gets the drinks?

Now you made this a thing. Now there is a little unit, them, and you are the jealous other guy. You told her he wants to fuck her? He owes her money, that's unattractive.

You care to much. You cant stop a wife or a plate from cheating. You can only stop you from being a tool.

[–]Imaginary_Historian[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I could not figure a way to do anything about this without hard next or sounding like the jealous guy.

She told me this morning that she did not meet him for lunch. She just went to his house to get the money, and she said she did not even go inside. I just grunted and took another sip of my drink and did not engage. Now did she fuck him? Probably, as she was gone a long time. So she's getting soft nexted until I figure out whether to hard next or not.

[–]Willkuer_1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Him owing her money also means investment. She already gave him a few hundred bucks. Burning bridges with him will make this money disappear. Flirting with him might yield better responses. At least in her mind.

This is a shit show and I bet it didn‘t start with this situation. She is too much into the whole drama.

Nothing good comes from meeting exes. Nothing good comes from people wanting to meet exes.

[–]Bedtimeshine4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

With Her still going through with meeting her ex for lunch, being gone a long time, fighting about it over and over (saying what you had to say more than once), and her trying to practically punish you afterwards.... how the fuck can you even type the words “stood my ground?”

[–]DeplorableRay2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Definitely not acting outcome independent for sure.

Best line? "Have fun, babe, hope you get what your after..."

If she fucks him, then she fucks him, and you move on. If she comes home with a check and sucks you dry, then great.

You get to control you. I welcome this as a test of her loyalty to you.

You're just insecure.

[–]effyouasshole2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Its 2019. Their options for transferring money include: mailed check, Paypal, Venmo, Bitcoin, and much, much more. Or he can even stuff cash in an envelope and mail it! So even if he really owes her money, there is no need to meet in person.

She's meeting him for lunch because she's interested in fucking him. Full stop.

Your reaction should have been to say "OK", silently demote her back to plate status, and resume gaming other women. There's no fixing anything. You just continue on in life.

P.S. Your vetting process for promoting plates is dog shit.

[–]Imaginary_Historian[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Promoting this plate was a mistake, but it wasn't because of poor vetting. I can't think of any way I could have predicted this would happen by any of her past behavior, as her behavior was quite good until maybe a day or two before this.

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

She's meeting him for lunch because she's interested in fucking him.

This is one of those simple lines that can be used almost anywhere, anytime, and to great profit.

[–]SuperCrazy072 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I’m going to disagree with most here. This isn’t about fucking him. She can do that without you knowing about it.

This isn’t about collecting money. She can do that without meeting him at all, or seeing him for five minutes at Starbucks.

No. This is her finding out who you really are. She lobbed a softball and you beat yourself in the dick with an aluminum bat. He’s paying her back over lunch? Just say “cool.” She comes back shortly after, fine. Otherwise, next.

She’s not your wife, she’s your LTR of ONE month. I’m less invested in what my wife (been together 20 years) does than you are in this chick. If shit goes south, I’ll find someone else who values what I bring to the table.

[–]friendandadvisor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

She can do that without meeting him at all, or seeing him for five minutes at Starbucks.

It may be hard to believe, but, I've actually handed money to a friend while I was in my car and she was in hers. Took less than a minute. But, I like to live on the edge.

[–]GrilledChickenZaxbys1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Weak

[–]Grimsterr1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Offer to go with her, how that is answered should be the tell.

You sure let this get into your head.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Clear cut: demote.

[–]redwall921 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I just told her the same answer over and over again, stood my ground.

Which answer did you end up sticking to? I got lost trying to determine which one you stuck to.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Fuck it man, you're in this deep, just ask her.

You fucked this up by showing your insecurities

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

The medium is the message.

Sounds like you need to read the TRP sidebar - https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/3pltm2/humansockpuppets_guide_to_managing_your_bitches/

[–]seedster50 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

So I guess we traveled to the 1999 and venmo doesn't exist? Hard next on your plate. Nasty women behaviours and fights you, hamsters, and still goes to meet him up. Your her plate now. I've been with my girl for 3 years. Neither of us have any interest in our ex. Owes money? Send a check. PayPal, venmo. She's using this as an excuse. If it wasn't an issue her hamster brain would you fight you over it. She thinks she's solidifying her premise, that the meeting is about money, by arguing with you. If anything it's like taking a jackhammer to the base and destroying it. A lot of people will say dump her because she's your plate but I can tell you're a little more invested than what your post makes it seem. I would say dump her because is invested in someone else and would argue with you over someone else.

[–]Imaginary_Historian[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Great advice, I agree, there were better ways to handle this and she showed she was not worthy of the upgrade I gave her.

[–]seedster51 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It happens. What's scary is you ask this shit on the bad advice subreddit and they'll make you think your crazy. Even convince you to wife her up, express your love, blah blah blah. I'm gonna go out of line on this one but majority of white women I've met were like yours, like it's perfectly ok to do the shit that they're doing and justify it. You dodged a bullet. Pat yourself on the back and either keep her around or next her. Wouldn't invest anything more than that

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Downgrade back to plate-permanently.

Oh, throw her ass out of your house.

She almost refused sex with you because she had already had sex with him. After a while, she figured that you were such a beta that you probably are used to getting another dude's semen on your winkie, so, she said "OK".

If you are waiting for her to tell you about it, you'll wait a blamed long time.

[–]0io-Tsundere-1 points0 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

It's hard to do anything here (other than not giving a shit about it) that doesn't seem like mate-guarding.

I wouldn't ask about it.

I wouldn't worry about it being a sexual thing unless he's objectively much hotter than you. By that I mean if you're rich and old and fat, and he's young and poor and in great shape or something like that. If that's the case you need to double up on your efforts to improve your physique and you're already in beta-bux territory.

If she broke up with this guy because he was an omega loser (and owing her money sounds like a clue that the guy is a loser) he probably thinks re-paying the loan will make her want him back or some other beta nonsense.

If you want to say anything at all about it, and you probably shouldn't, I would just say something like "I still can't believe you lent money to that fat loser Steve. I only lent money to a friend once and it was a disaster. He must really love you a lot that he would pay the money back. He probably never got with anyone as hot as you before... you're so much better than him I just can't believe you lent him money."

Whatever you do you don't want to sound the least bit jealous about this other guy. More like you're kind of disgusted that she would have ever gone on a date with someone like that in the first place when she was young and stupid.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Omega loser? You don’t know shit about this guy or you don’t understand alpha. Sounds like ex was using her for pussy and money. You may not wish those are things alphas can do to women they spin, but it is. I know plenty of deadbeat alphas who fuck and fuck over women on the regular.

[–]seedster55 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah I agree. She sounds more like an alpha widow.

[–]WontonSoup770 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy Link

Can’t be a man if you depend on a woman, but go ahead alpha

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

I understand that it is hard for some men to wrap their heads around alpha = sex only, beta = resources. Especially hard for guys who have this “real man” trad con narrative playing in their heads.

But the vast majority of alpha men are losers. TRP is the only place I’ve found that pairs alpha with personal growth.

Did this ex provide anything except his dick to her? Well if he owes her money then answer is “no.” And if he’s providing that dick and giving her no resources, what strategy is that?

[–]Imaginary_Historian[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

True, this is why I like TRP here, as other places only promote being the alpha loser. He's exactly that loser kind of alpha. He is a total and complete loser, annoying, ugly, short, needy, really no redeeming qualities whatsoever, except being "alpha." Barely even provided dick as he was borderline impotent too.

I get why she was attracted to the alpha in him, but that is truly all the guy has to offer.

My mistake was to believe she got so disgusted with him that it overrode the alpha. The more I think about it, I agree. Alpha widow.

It's time to walk away from this and cut my losses. Luckily she just gave me a key to her house today, still wanting to move our relationship forward, so I can sneak in there tomorrow while she's at work and get the few things I left there, leave the keys on the counter and hard next without a word being spoken.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Truth. Good luck brother.

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Luckily she just gave me a key to her house today, still wanting to move our relationship forward, so I can sneak in there tomorrow while she's at work and get the few things I left there, leave the keys on the counter and hard next without a word being spoken.

Dude! This is my favorite kind of breakup! Please post and tell us of your successfully pulling it off, and if she contacts you, also.

Good luck!

[–]Imaginary_Historian[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It's done. NC since I saw her yesterday morning. We will see what happens when she gets home.

She texted me multiple times last night and this morning. Told me she bought a gift for me, and that she will make dinner for me tonight if I come to her place. This is just pissing me off.

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm proud of you, sir!

[–]illusiveab-2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm genuinely curious why it's so hard for men to read between the lines. Being alpha isn't just sex only nor is beta just resources, it's 100% about calibrating investment into both yourself and your partner. There are, I shit you not, many alpha men who have hot, loyal wives with resources. Those that are successful are largely in one group: pursuing further resources and increasing their own individual value. Vetting your chick for consistent value in any LTR is the same fundamental process of performing a discounted cash flow and legitimately nothing more.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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