[Advice] So I realized I do want to have a traditional relationship, but no one around me seems to support that

HB3234 · 2019-04-07T00:17:34+00:00

Many men eventually want to settle down with a good woman and have kids... but few young ones do. You sound like you are in your early 20s (kinda basing off your profile, ft. juul pods and modelos). At that age, you are right that many men aren't committed to relationships and traditional families, and this is 10000x trueif you are running with a party crowd (again, based on first impressions from your profile).

You may need to explore a change of pace in your social circles. You may also consider dating outside of your usual scene and maybe try dating men a little older (not decades but years... as men enter that mid twenties to early thirties phase, they trend toward becoming more commitment oriented).

just_a_mum · 2019-04-07T01:50:00+00:00

I have a PhD in low temperature physics. I am a very happy SAHM to 2 beautiful children. My husband also has a doctorate and is very successful in his field. He loves that's he's the bread winner, he loves that he is in control of all our finances. He loves that I am raising our children and 'keeping house'. He also loves the fact that we can still have intelligent conversations and we can talk about his work when he needs to.

Hammocknapping · 2019-04-07T02:58:52+00:00

I always wonder where women who want to be SAHW/SAHM expect to meet men if they don’t go to college or have careers before getting married.

So, let me ask you, where do you plan to meet a man who can support a SAHM? How are you going to support yourself until then? What do you plan to do in the event your husband leaves you, dies or otherwise is no longer able to provide?

artemis286 · 2019-04-07T00:39:28+00:00

Defintely find some new friends and support networks! I'm in my early 20s, and I defintely remember, and still experience, many of the cultural and societal pressures you are describing. It can be seriously overwhelming and isolating.

My recommendation, and how I've helped myself, is surrounding myself with things that uplift me towards my goals. Books, podcasts, Facebook groups, classes, friends, workshops, organizations, anything! Things that honor feminity and womanhood, and make me feel valued and appreciated, without the insane pressure to be a neurosurgeon and #girlboss.

Books that have helped me are Simple Abundance and Radical Homemakers. Both address many of the feelings and issues you described, and really helped me to realize that there are indeed others who value what I do!

Not sure what your feelings are on religion, but religious groups tend to have more traditional values. My husband and I met in a church ward specifically for singles, and being around other young people who had similar values was really helpful. Honestly, we had people who had no interest in the religion come and hang out with us just because they liked the community!

Sending all the good vibes. I so empathize with your frustrations. Happy to chat anytime! ❤️

idontgethejoke · 2019-04-07T08:05:07+00:00

Hey, I'm a guy who lurks this sub and I hope I'm not breaking any rules by posting here.

I just wanted to say you're not alone, the feelings and experiences you're having right now are very common. Remember The Incredibles? There's an alternate opening sequence on the dvd where Helen is explaining to her neighbors that she's a homemaker and their eyes glaze over and seem to completely disregard her as a person. This came from personal experiences the director had with his wife, and it was a really cool scene. Poignant. It showed the discrimination women face when they don't fit into the mold society made. You can't expect that people are going to be understanding when you put your family first.

Honestly, there's a lot about TRP I dislike. I'd rather compare husband and wife to the President and the Supreme Court or Captain and Helmsman, but that's an aside. I graduated College a few years ago and I just want to let you know it gets better. While you're in it you can feel alone in what you believe, and most of the guys certainly aren't looking for what you're looking for. But it gets better. Better in some ways, harder in others. Better in that you won't be pressured to be BOSS LADY outside of College, harder in that meeting people takes more effort. Better in that more single guys are looking for long-term relationships, harder in that a lot of them are taken already.

Anyways, there's no rules for how to live life. All you can do is do what you can do, if that makes sense. I've gone through depression before, it sucks. But realizing a few things helped. One was realizing that trying to impress other people was futile, and their opinion of me wouldn't change with my accomplishments.

So basically, don't worry. Life is weird and twisty, and nobody knows what they're doing. Despite how many people tell you "you should be a neuroscientist!", they really have no clue. They don't know what's going on in your mind. And there are many guys who want a wife, I'm one of them. You probably won't find them at a party. But don't be discouraged! There's a great big world out there. Your bound to find someone that shares your values if you get there.

I feel like I have a lot more to say, but this is long enough already. If I can encourage you or help you feel less hopeless then it's worth it for me. If you want to hear more, like how I overcame depression, let me know.

DeepWaterRose · 2019-04-07T06:48:12+00:00

"You're too smart to just want to be a housewife". That's so condescending but it has become okay to say.

The smartest thing of you to do is what's meaningful to you and bring you the most joy ;)

Work on your femininity and men will start being drawn to you :)

timeforstretchpants · 2019-04-07T02:21:08+00:00

The guys around you sound young. Do they live on their own? Do they appreciate how much effort goes into making a home?

Just because you want to be a housewife doesn't mean you have to start being one right now. You don't know how long you'll be looking for Mr Right. If you never got married, what would you want your life to be like? Start creating that life. Learn, explore, have a job you like. Be the woman the man you're looking for will be looking for.

norahlady · 2019-04-07T15:12:53+00:00

There’s a big difference between being a neurosurgeon and being a housewife (with no husband/family yet?). I don’t know how old you are or honestly how “RPW” this is, but it’s good to have goals and interests beyond marriage/family, especially when you’re younger and potentially years away from being married. Financially supporting yourself is important so you can be in a position to choose a truly amazing mate rather than just settling quickly because you’re dependent.

When I first met my husband, he was attracted to the fact that I had my life together. I had a stable job, I made decent money, I took care of my apartment, I owned a rental property. My financial independence also gave me a sense of emotional independence where I wasn’t overly needy or clingy. Of course, being warm and sweet and feminine was also important to earn his attraction. I definitely didn’t act cutthroat or competitive with him in any way, and tried to let him lead. But good men are looking for women who can hold their own in life, IMO.

RubyWooToo · 2019-04-08T02:55:38+00:00

Unless you come from a culture/religious community where getting married young and staying in the home is the expected norm, no, you’re not going to meet marriage-minded men at 18 years old, let alone one who is on the market for a housewife.

Furthermore, you’re going to be hard-presses to meet a man nowadays who is going to automatically agree to be the sole breadwinner right out the gate, certainly not before you have kids.

Even if you don’t aspire to climb the corporate latter or become an astrophysicist, you still need to focus on getting trained for a job and learning to take care of yourself before you get into a relationship with expectations for a man’s labor and his money.

WillMeatLover · 2019-04-07T02:32:57+00:00

"You're too smart to just want to be a housewife"

There are several correct comebacks to this such as:

1) You're too stupid to value family. (Can be less aggressively phrased as, "I value family and not wage slavery.")

2) You have a slave mentality. Being chained to a job isn't freedom and I'm not a slave.

3) My life is not yours to dictate.

It seems the pool of guys who actually want a wife are dwindling (I'm not trying to be misandrist).

Our whole culture is going to shit. Men and women on average are terrible. That's not a hateful statement based on prejudice. It's an observation based on patterns in our culture (assuming you are in America or another western culture).

Zegiknie · 2019-04-08T17:48:13+00:00

As a university educated SAHM, all I wanted to add to the great responses here: my education was overpriced, but I wish I had taken more classes! So many amazing and useful things to learn, so little time!

dangernoodle88 · 2019-04-07T22:03:44+00:00

Everything you said resonates with me so well. I'm so upset with all the people who totally dismissed my legitimate and SMART worries about balancing family life and career just because I was young. It's almost as if suggesting that a young woman consider her biological clock/whether she desires a family early on is some sort of attack against feminism, and would cause all of us to quit our jobs and become oppressed housewives or whatever.

And yeah male expectations have shifted too. Nowadays it's almost like a crime to desire commitment, stripping you of "cool girl" status.

ObedientLittleWife · 2019-04-07T22:54:53+00:00

For what guys want; I think you have two 'easy' options when it comes to wanting to be a SAHM, finding a very traditional (maybe religious) man or going the BDSM route and be a stay at home submissive (which for many doms is the dream). And it doesn't matter what anybody thinks, YOU need to be happy with your life.

ThatStepfordGal · 2019-04-08T14:38:55+00:00

Oh dear. I know how you feel completely because I’ve been there and even until now I still feel that. Even here in RPW, many women will still disapprove if you live traditionally until you marry. That’s not true.

You can live traditionally now, you don’t have to pretend to be a career woman or work so much and feel masculine. I don’t. You don’t have to either. I understand that you want to live out your values.

I have so many posts on this - seriously. It’s all here.

Learn how to live small so you can work part time and homemake, enjoying your life. Of course study, only as much you are passionate about - you’re not #girlboss. Live with friends and offer your cleaning and cooking skills or live with family and do the same. If a guy doesn’t like that you can support yourself by living small without working full time, he isn’t traditional.
Take up feminine hobbies and use your quality time to develop them and observe people around you. If you want to meet people, try online and be clear about what sort of girl you are. Younger guys are no good for this, they are usually more liberal and not ready to settle. Go for older, probably around 5 years older than you or more. It takes a while though look at it as a learning journey.

You are not alone. PM me if you even want to. I started my blog and my musings specifically so that women like you, us, don’t ever feel alone and stuck on ‘impossible’. Stay true to your values and persevere. You can do it and it’s totally alright to be the way you are.