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‘No More Mr. Nice Guy’ talks about The Integrated Male and one of the qualities being ‘he has a strong sense of self.’ What does that mean? (self.asktrp)

submitted by relationship_padawan

‘No More Mr. Nice Guy’ lists a few attributes that an Integrated Male has and the first one is:

‘He has a strong sense of self. He likes himself just the way he is.’

What does the ‘strong sense of self’ mean? Does it mean knowing who you are? It’s my understanding that the ‘he likes himself just the way he is’ is loving one’s self, but I’m confused as to the meaning as a ‘strong sense of self.’


[–]Redditgoodaccount95 points96 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

A strong sense of self is the complete awareness a man has of himself. He knows his merits talents and points of strength and he leverages on them to succeed. he is also aware of his flaws and has a strong plan set to improve in the areas he leaks. these areas are not a concern to him they are challenges that he pursues everyday with method and dedication. he is aware of what he is of what he wants to be and how to use his pros and cons.... I think

[–]lokilis26 points27 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

This is a pretty good answer, but I don't think it covers the entire problem. The other bit is knowing your Mission and pursuing it (as brought up in the other post by grwyscxle).

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But for this bit.. here's my thoughts:

Once you make enough changes that your "heart", or subconscious mind, is satisfied with who you are, or

once you're set on your path to where you want to go, and taking enough actions that your heart will be satisfied with the progress,

then your heart won't bitch and complain at you (which makes you anxious or uncertain etc)

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Once there's no incongruence between those two, then you're "where you want to be", you'll know exactly who you are and what you're capable of, then you'll be satisfied.

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Referenced in part from "The Alchemist".

[–]Shanguerrilla6 points7 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Damnit... That is really good!

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I didn't even realize I was 'missing' that really important angle in the meaning of "strong sense of self." Ironically, it is your addition that really is a super clear, simple, obvious (NOW) insight I've been grappling to see / learn / small dedicated efforts toward balancing.

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Great contribution!

[–]lokilis9 points10 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Glad it helped. I'd encourage you to check out the book I mentioned. Not standard TRP fare but I found it useful.

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Another way to state what I said: you'll subconsciously bitch at yourself for not taking action when you know you should, which makes you anxious and jacks up your cortisol. Start listening to your emotions - if you're anxious, why? What were you too scared to do?

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Don't let fear hold you back. Fear of fucking up, fear of being excluded, fear of being made fun of. It will SUCK to face your fear, but you'll feel so much better afterwards.

Part of being a better man is having the courage to act. Courage is when you decide that something else is more important than your fear.

[–]Shanguerrilla1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I love it, man! I haven't read the book, but ive been working on exactly this.. Use to be or seem more stoic, but life happened, I fought through some shit and confounding to me (can't feel or see myself as victim) got PTSD and some bad anxiety and other shit going on. But all that stuff helped.. Like having a serious heart thing that would kill me without surgery, 'soon' but unknown, being a father, my sons health stuff and insane surgical needs (and i had to be Odysseus with a few medical systems to get him to one of like 5 facilities in the nation that could help)..

All the 'oh no,,this problem!' All the fears and suffering only kind of forge or push me to push me. I can fuck it up and do, but I keep working and moving. What i mean is the obstacle is the way was another slogan from a book and one i often think and teach age appropriately to my son. But its always been true.

Im still working on this stuff, but your reply lifted me up, i appreciate it. And it was weird, i could have written that one, even had some,of my slogans and least weekly i give my son a near identical 'courage' / 'fear' father son moment overcoming something.

Thanks man! I needed to read that today. Hardest part has been getting this stuff from knowing or saying into being. Progress, progress

(To clarify.. Least 5 years seeing the emotion angle from life..therapy with a great vet, and a book called "Healing the Shame that Binds You" by Bradshaw i think.. I'd faced some huge fears head-on and try to practice building courage.rather than minimize or focus on fear.. Its weird, I have anxiety and PTSD, BUT don't feel fear or panic in panic attack.. No emotion, just physical. I have bad chronic pain and pain is kind of similar.. When i feel pain or fear, I ignore or really dive into it. Im fucked up in a lot of ways, but only recently realized i still lack a strong self image, or as strong as before.. I couldn't figure out why.. But see now the link was what you mentioned. I feel like it's simple, but makes more sense of both and both more approachable)

[–]RisingUpAgain1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

While I agree with everything you said there is a caveat I would like to add.

One of our greatest fears is the fear of disappointing, or of being a disappointment. That’s why for so many men the most liberating moment in life is the moment their father dies. Because they are now free to pursue what THEY want without being afraid of being a disappointment.

Yes, we should face our fears when our fears are fear of failure, of not being good enough, of not being able to do something.

But we gain nothing when we take actions motivated by the fear of being a disappointment IN SOMEONE ELSES EYES. Doing things just because someone else wants you to or thinks you should is of no value when it is not what you want to do.

Know the difference between your fear of failing, and your fear of disappointing someone. Because feeding into the fear of disappointing someone just leads to all of the negatives (anxiety, distress) of avoiding doing something, because you are avoiding something, you’re avoiding doing what you really want because you’re afraid of what someone else may think.

[–]lokilis1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My father isn't dead yet, and is bluepilled with absolutely minimal expectations or guidance for me. So this didn't occur to me at all. Thanks for your input.

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Though, now I do recall that I disappointed him many times before I reached high school. At that point I guess I met his expectations, or he just decided to let me do whatever I wanted and I'd learn anything else on my own.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The Alchemist is a must read, great suggestion.

[–]grwyscxle 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy Link

Do you think there's a way to find one's path beside singing up for university and studying law until you find out if you like it or not?

[–]lokilis0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I have no clue lol. If you get a job, you will be earning money, which enables you to survive while you think about your true path.

If you can just mooch off your parents forever, then I guess you don't need to.

[–]rus93840 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

That said, many nice guys think they have changed and now they are self-aware. While they still are... nice guys.

[–]TankVet30 points31 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Back in the day, before TRP was another excuse for whiny incels to spout misogynistic nonsense, it was about “being a man.” To me that meant owning your actions and behavior, pursuing a meaningful life through the achievement of personal goals, it meant being responsible for your own accomplishments and failures, and letting validation be internal.

[–]scanfan202216 points17 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

An important aspect of having a strong sense of self is not relying on external validation and approval as the measure of your own self worth. This requires recognizing ego investments and emotional attachments formed and reinforced since childhood.

Outcome independence is the state of being where you can literally "take it or leave it" in any situation, especially relationships.

[–]lokilis1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Could you give a bit more detail or recommend any resources on ego investment? This is something I should probably look at. Thanks for the suggestion.

[–]WIA20XX9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

In practical terms, if the girl says she likes Mediterranean food and the man doesn't, he doesn't try to look for the merits of hummus and seek rapport with the girl.

He is okay with disagreement, doesn't change for her, and also doesn't try to change her.

She is used to guys who agree and also guys that won't let her have her own thoughts and want to argue.

[–]OfficerWade1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s the definition of confidence, in other words you’re not a wimp

[–]Adi4Hire0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Going through this book myself and just googled this. Hope this book teaches me something.

[–]the13thmonk0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8-fYbcCpuU

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Check this out.

[–]Nis_law0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

He is selfish and pursues his own endeavours relentlessly. Doesn't get manipulated.

[–]DANYboy520 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's more or less about how much you conform to others

[–]RedPillAlphaBigCock0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Know yourself - know your values and live by it - don't take shit and work to make yourself proud of yourself

[–]Project_Zero_Betas0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

but I’m confused as to the meaning as a ‘strong sense of self.’

Without reading the book, I'm assuming it means strong frame and will to power.

[–]1walawalawa0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's a person confident in themselves and unfazed by what others think of him.

But part of this is to constantly be striving towards self-improvement.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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