Now this is a touchy subject. How do we talk about sex without it being pornographic in nature and TMI? I’ve seen a few posts on here about dead bedrooms and waning libidos and this petulant attitude towards sex… BUT I DON’T WANNAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Boo frickin’ hoo ladies.

Aside from medical reasons why you cannot have sex…. No. Wait. Fuck that… there should be no reason why you can’t please your man. If your vagina is broken, there are other ways to please a man…. Ahem… beej….ahem…butt….ahem…hands. So with that little disclaimer I will continue.

What is the definition of a romantic relationship?

re·la·tion·ship /rəˈlāSH(ə)nˌSHip/ noun: the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.

ro·man·tic /rōˈman(t)ik/ adjective: conducive to or characterized by the expression of love.

So. You have two people being connected through expressions of love. What is one of the biggest expressions of love and trust? Sex. Making whoopee. Doing the horizontal mambo. Sure, sex can happen with anyone but there is no connection component to it. That is the line of demarcation. That singular component which makes sex into something beautiful and amazing. I told my daughter sex is not love, but sex is always amazing when done with someone you love.

Here you are in a relationship with someone you love at this point. You’re feeling like the sex part is waning. You’re always tired from work. You don’t have the energy for it. You spend your days with the kids and you just want to sleep. I’m going to explain why you need to knock it off and also tips for knocking it off and being in your relationship….. romantically.

Being available all the time

This is the toughest idea to get through to women. The idea that you should be available to please your man all the time. I’m not saying you need to rush home to blow your man in the middle of the work day because he needs it now (although that would be a good idea if your job allows for just leaving in the middle of the day lol). Don’t be ridiculous. I’m saying that when your man is flirting and signaling to you he wants you, you should really be all in. This man finds you sexually attractive? Can you blame him? You’re one hot chica! Own that.

Argument 1

I shouldn’t have to have sex when I don’t want to.

While this is true, this attitude is detrimental to a romantic relationship. You are signaling to your partner that you aren’t attracted to them and that you don’t need them for this type of intimacy. This type of thinking relegates your SO to being put in the ‘just anyone’ demographic. This removes their status of partner in your life and puts them in a position to be used when YOU want to use them. It makes it a one way street which is the antithesis of being in a relationship.

Argument 2

I’m too tired from ::insert other things in your life::

One of the most important things to realize is that if you are in a relationship, it is work. It is a part of what you need to set aside energy for specifically in order to maintain it. If you put more effort into other portions of your life, do not be surprised when your relationship fails. Just like a garden, it must be tended to regularly. Is work what you fancy more than your partner? Is being a mom more important to you than the person you share your life with? (NOTICE: I did not say are your kids more important to you than your partner. Please note that I am not telling you to pick between them, however, you need to prioritize your position as a partner more than your position of being a mom. Your partner is there for life. Your kids are not.)

Putting life into perspective in terms of relationships can be hard. Is your partner really a priority to you? If not then you either need to next the SO you have because that is horse shit or you need to realize that maybe you just don’t really want to be in a relationship at this time. You are basically using someone to have a warm body next to you for fear of being alone. Wanting a career more than a relationship is fine, but you shouldn’t be imposing the loss of connection to someone else just because you don’t need it.

Argument 3

My partners libido is too high/My libido is too low

Matching libidos is a huge issue in deadbedrooms. If you are a low libido person, then you should really be taking steps to mitigate that. There are plenty of ways in which you can overcome the low libido/high libido discrepancy. There was another post on there that I found really interesting that tl;dr says this

If sex is not a priority to you, then you shouldn’t care if he goes out to find it somewhere else.

Does that hit a sore spot with you? Then sex is a big deal to you. More than you allow yourself to feel. Maybe your body doesn’t comply but your brain just said “whoa whoa whoa CQ! Sex is important to me and I’ll be damned if my SO goes to get it from somewhere else”. Now that I have your attention. Listen up carefully. Sex is not just penis in vagina. I repeat. SEX IS NOT JUST PENIS IN VAGINA. So get that idea that out of your head right now.

Argument 4

He is bad in bed/doesn’t last that long

This is trial and error. If you are not communicating to your partner the things you like then that is your fault. As someone who has a high N count, when you tell a man what you like they do that a lot. The ones who don’t are selfish not only in bed but in life and will never change and you should have figured that out during the vetting process to being with.

How to fix it

With all of these in mind, I’m going to give you some pointers on how to overcome those arguments. I’m sure that there are other arguments but really they fall into those four categories. They just manifest themselves in other ways.

The perpetual flirt

How do you communicate to your partner that you are sexually attracted to them? You show/tell them. All the time. Some of the things that you might do for this are the following.

• Tell them something sexy at random times of the day.

• Wear something a bit sexy and flaunt your womanly goods. (ie bend at the waist not the knees)

• Sext him something you want to do to him

• Make a lewd gesture when no one is looking

• Rub your body on them ‘accidentally’ with a teehee and a wink

The point is to be playful. Sex is natural. Sex is fun. (a la George Michael). Show him that you like/need/want his touch. Flirt. That costs you nothing. Not even energy. This will not only build him up but it will get you in the mood too. You will be thinking about it more and you will be more apt to be receptive to his advances. Not all sexual interactions have to finish in sex. They do have to demonstrate you want him…all the time.

”I’m feeling overwhelmed by ::other things in life::. What should I do?”

With a lot of the issues, you find that your life is overwhelming you. He is your captain. Ask him what you should do about it. Maybe he tells you to cut back on your hours at work. Maybe he tells you to find a babysitter for the kids so you can practice self-care. Whatever it is, your captain can come up with something for you to be able to balance out your work/home life. He wants to be a priority in your life too so talking to him about it will allow for an opportunity to create more intimacy. So what if the dishes don’t get done asap? So what if you don’t cook one meal this week? Are these things worth it to sacrifice your relationship over? I doubt it. Tell him why you are too tired to do him and I am positive he will come up with a solution!

Smack it down, flip it, rub it down oh noooooo

Well this is where it gets a bit raunchy. I’ll try to tone it down as much as I can but really you can’t talk about the attitude of being sexually available without addressing some salacious aspects of it. Lube. Don’t be afraid to ask for it. Anal. Don’t be afraid to try it. (there is a training manual for this). Blowies. Don’t be afraid to get on your knees. Porn. Don’t be afraid to watch it. Costumes. Don’t be afraid to wear them. Sex doesn’t need to be all about you getting to the finish line. It is an act of intimacy between two people. Get sex toys. Do whatever you have to do in order to get there physically. With so much sex paraphernalia out there, you can figure out what you like and get some tools to help you get there.

No excuses.

Lastly, if you have a captain who just simply does not give a shit about your well-being (ie demanding sex when you’re sick, goes in dry, doesn’t want to please you)… HE IS A SHITTY CAPTAIN. NEXT!

edit: just for fun

I wanna sex you up Color Me Badd

Lets talk about sex Salt-N-Pepa

I want your sex George Michael

Double edit: Another point to make is that if you were to start a new relationship today and came up with the same excuses you do with your SO as to why you don't want to have sex, do you think they would stay with you for very long?

Triple edit: all this coming from someone named coochquarantine haha the irony.