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Hi all you wonderful women. For any of you out there who have ever had a bittersweet Mother’s Day, I need your support and advice. Our first daughter is almost 7 months old. I enjoyed last year when I was pregnant, delighting with other women the things I could look forward to as a new mother. But this year was different. I’ve been working weekends for the last few months, between the two of us we work 7 days a week until our nanny starts her first day, today actually. I was at the empty office logging my hours and I was homesick, trying to focus on what mattered on Mother’s Day, my new daughter who is the love of my life. I left early and went home, I cried to my husband saying I couldn’t focus at work and needed to be home, even confessed that I wanted to feel special. He told me I was the most special thing in our LO’s life. And there’ve been other times he’s told me I’m an amazing mother and it means the world to me. It’s just when he told me he would be busy working “live” online at 3pm that it dawned on me that he may have not known it was Mother’s Day. What I wasn’t going to do was make him feel like garbage by reminding him, the second thing I couldn’t do was attend his online event for fear my presence would bring out a Happy Mother’s Day from the audience and embarrass him AND make him feel like garbage if he didn’t honestly know. I don’t hold it against him, he doesn’t pay much attention to (holidays?), he’s been working really hard lately, and I got to order pizza and spend he entire night with my daughter which was really all I wanted. I think what hurt though, was I had left a candle burning in the dining room. When my husband came to bed at 3am he scolded me, took a picture of it and everything. I sobbed. And that was it, I couldn’t fall back asleep. I desperately want to feel special to the most amazing man in my life, and he might argue he doesn’t need a holiday to do that, yet I feel lonely after a day like that, and rejected because of my carelessness. How do I gracefully step into today? The nanny will be here in 3 hours. Before then I’ll make breakfast, take care of our LO, and wake my husband for work. I’ll journal for a little bit. I try to pride myself in not setting expectations and honoring my desires, focusing on what matters and not so much how I feel. And because of that I don’t often feel this kind of heartbreak, I’m fortunate.

I won’t complain to him, but I know I won’t be my chipper self at the breakfast table. What do I say? How do I honor my feelings without blaming or shaming him? I might just need some fresh perspective.


[–]thatbadlarry23 points24 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think it’s really important to communicate your expectations in a loving way. “Mother’s Day is important to me. I would really appreciate if we celebrated it next year.” No Covert expectations or contracts. No love bombing Father’s Day in the hope that he will reciprocate. That’s only going to set you up for disappointment. And it’s ok to communicate your disappointment and hurt in a gentle and non accusatory way. Men aren’t mind readers, but it’s ok to have your feelings of disappointment.

[–]dashdotdottEarly 30s, Married, 8 years, 10 years total1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

No Covert expectations or contracts. No love bombing Father’s Day in the hope that he will reciprocate. That’s only going to set you up for disappointment. And it’s ok to communicate your disappointment and hurt in a gentle and non accusatory way. Men aren’t mind readers, but it’s ok to have your feelings of disappointment.

Yes, you need to communicate your needs and wants! Being a RedPill woman doesn't mean being a doormat and ignoring how you feel.

Also, you seem to have had an extreme reaction to both of these events. You might want to look into postpartum depression. It can come anytime during the 12mon postpartum. It can be hard to realize because many of the depression symptoms are similar to sleep deprivation (hello baby!). But, for me, one of the key symptoms was an extreme reaction to negative events/emotions. It was way out of proportion. I had a full meltdown because my son drank 32oz(!) while I was at work. Like getting worried about that is normal; ugly crying in bed while nursing the baby and wishing to not be there is not normal. Getting help was the best thing ever. It can't hurt to get checked out; your Ob/midwife would know who to recommend (that is where I went).

[–]Hartley7Married for 9 years18 points19 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m going to go against the grain and say that you have every right to be upset. It doesn’t take much effort to remember a holiday and I believe that men can acknowledge holidays if they truly want to. You may want to have a loving discussion about your expectations so that this doesn’t happen again.

[–]SSapplejackMid 20s, Married 3 years.7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have no advice really. Just wanted to tell you happy mother's day. It was my first yesterday also and my husband also didn't make a huge deal and it did hurt my feelings a bit so I can relate! I wonder if the thought of having a nanny come in the next day was also putting a damper on the day, mom guilt is so real ! It sounds like you're trying your best to be a good mom and a good wife, sometimes we just have to forgive ourselves for our silly mistakes, even when our husbands blow them out of proportion.

[–]boom-boom-betty11 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Men can be very disappointing on holidays. Especially these Hallmark holidays that are way more important to women than to men.

My advice is for you to set the example. Go all out for Father’s Day. Give him presents, coupon books, a basket of all his favorite things, whatever will make him happy and know that you love him and appreciate he’s the father of your baby.

Set the tone for how you want it to be.

[–]teaandtalk30, married 7 years7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Go all out for Father’s Day.

As long as, as /u/thatbadlarry suggested, you don't love-bomb in hopes of reciprocation. That's a covert contract and you will end up hurting yourself.

[–]kittenupatree[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks. I try to do something most holidays to feel a little festive, I've always been like that, and any reason to do something special for my man is always a delight, so that's no problem. It's difficult decorating for Christmas alone, or planning and cooking alone. St Patties, granted, neither of us care, but Mother's Day meant something to me this year with our new little girl. I'm happy I can share in that delight here with other mother's, tell the nanny I had a nice mother's day, and move on. It helps to know there are others who understand my heartache.

[–]myungwootenclarke7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Why were you scolded for leaving a candle on the table. Also, why did he feel the need to take a picture of it.

[–]kittenupatree[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Because it was burning. There is also a Kleenex box and window blinds near the table. I'm guessing he thought it was so outlandishly stupid he took a picture. He didn't know there was a candle lit for 5hrs without him knowing, a spark could be starting a fire, right?

[–]Ariel1251 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

he scolded you for leaving a candle burning? Was it in a jar? I do that all of the time, leave the room, and we even have cats. My husband doesn't care (we do have mini fire exstinguishers on both floors). This sounds odd, though.

[–]teaandtalk30, married 7 years3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

She says above that it was near tissues and blinds/curtains, and late at night with little babies in the house. I'd be upset too.

[–]g_e_m_anscombe1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

These are two separate issues:

  1. It sounds like you care about Mother’s Day and were disappointed he didn’t do anything for it. I find holidays like this vain, so it doesn’t bother me if my husband doesn’t do anything. I believe our family is better served by focusing our attention elsewhere and it bothers me that other women have a sense of entitlement about cards, gifts, etc. However, I realize that you aren’t me and you may choose different values for yourself and your family. If that’s the case, then you need to expressly tell your husband what you expect: is a card enough? Do you want flowers? A note? If so, then discuss and have him figure out a way he can remember for next year. You reminding him every year is likely to turn into nagging. In the end, I’ve decided it’s not worth troubling my husband with something so trivial. It may feel like you aren’t asking for much because all you want is a sort of acknowledgment, but asking a new dad to remember that with everything else going on IS asking for a lot. To me, it’s not worth adding to his load if all I want is acknowledgment; he gives me acknowledgment the rest of the time so I’m not going to demand it on a certain day. I think this could be a better approach because...

  2. He really hurt your feelings with the candle comment. You were distracted and let a candle keep burning.

This is the sort of stuff that it’s super easy to nag one another about. In my family, we had candles running more often and always in jars so it was normal to leave them going. A candle in a jar is unlikely to cause fire even if it tipped over. In my husband’s family, they would never leave a candle going if they went into another room, let alone to sleep. It’s easy to insult and judge one another over stupid shit like this, and your husband made you feel bad about it.

I would say to him: I felt unappreciated because you texted me a photo of the candle. I wasn’t feeling great that day, so the extra criticism made me feel worse. Next time could you just blow it out without commentary? Or at least make it funny? “I see you left the lights on for me.”

He also may have viewed the candle as more important for safety reasons. If so, I would ask him why (nonjudgmentally) it is important to him. If so, maybe you can figure out together a better routine for fire safety.

[–]battyryder-2 points-1 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

Holidays just don't mean as much to men. Fathers day just doesn't mean much to us either. Just more mindless consumerism.

[–]thatbadlarry9 points10 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Not necessarily true. My husband does a lot to make Mother’s Day special. And it’s not about consumerism if you don’t make it that way. A nice homemade breakfast and homemade card and a special “I love and appreciate you” is a beautiful way to celebrate and you don’t have to spend anything or buy anything necessarily. It’s the thought and the effort that count. Saying “men just don’t care” is just pure laziness.

[–]g_e_m_anscombe2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s a case of conflicting values. Most men don’t care, and the only way they come to care is through women nagging them. It’s one thing to say own your shit, and another thing to say “own this shit that I really care about and will cry about if you don’t get right.”

In the end, I’m guessing your husband would find a day to make you breakfast EVEN IF we didn’t celebrate Mother’s Day in our culture. Thoughtful people will find ways to express their appreciation in every culture.

[–]MellifluousMaple-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

They DON'T care, though

[–]thatbadlarry7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Many do. And Mother’s Day isn’t about them!

[–]Hartley7Married for 9 years5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

As someone with Jamaican parents, I need to say that your screen name is hilarious.

[–]battyryder1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I have jamaican parents. Father is from Kingston.

[–]Hartley7Married for 9 years1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My parents are from Clarendon.

[–]kittenupatree[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I get consumerism, but I also like excuses to celebrate something, not have every day bleed into the next for the rest of our lives.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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