TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

21

Red Pill (borderline black pill) man here

After all this time I think I’ve narrowed what a good, functional relationship is supposed to be like. This captain/first mate analogy that is used her works well, as well as acknowledging that the man and woman are both in it together as a duo.

But I have reservations about it. I feel like it’s missing something...

This pervasive statement has always been following me: “I feel like I was more his mom than his girlfriend” “I’m not your mom/therapist”

I never understood what redpill men meant when they said that women can’t love you the way your mother did. I never knew because my mother never showed love to me. She was always working, to support two kids, all on her own. So she was never around. But I finally understand now what they mean when they say that. Mother’s care for their sons. They will kneel down and hold their kid as they come crying after tripping into the gravel and kiss their booboos. Later they would give them a hug and listen to them patiently as they went through their puberty-induced mood swings. Then college and so on and so on.

I can get why a girlfriend/fiancée/wife would not want to have to treat their husband like that. It’s a chore.

But honestly? I would do that for her. I want a marriage where I can come home after work and flop down on the bed and rest my head on her chest while she scratches my head and, just, unload, for lack of a better word. Someone who listens when I’m upset and comforts me when I’m crying. I don’t care if it’s unmanly. I served in the army, I don’t have anything to prove. And then in turn when she’s a big bundle of emotions I’d be more than happy to gather her up in my arms and, just hold her. It’s a labor, yes. But it’s a labor of love. I always saw it as, if she wasn’t willing to listen to me when I was upset, she never loved me. That’s where the average redpill man would say ‘yep, she never loved you. Go spin a plate’

That’s why I don’t really go there, anymore. Women are of sounder mind than theredpill make them out to be. But at the same time, it provides a safe space to talk about inconvenient gender truths that can’t otherwise be talked about outside of the manosphere. Truths like hypergamy and polygamy. So I guess that’s why I’m at this sub specifically. You girls tend to be understanding but at the same time you seem to know what you’re talking about.

Anyways. I consider myself a masculine man. By no means am I a chad. I am 23, slender runner build. I’m a lightweight but I’m stronger than I look. I’m working hard for a vision I have superimposed over the world around me, and each day I see the colors of that vision filling in the grey around me.

But I’ve got baggage. Like, a lot of baggage. So much that I can’t fit it into this post.

The point is, I strongly believe a relationship can only truly be symbiotic if I could open up that pain to the other person and they just... I dunno, acknowledge it? We never can find a word for it, can we? Being vulnerable to someone, opening up, etc.

I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. You probably fantasize about it. I know I do.

I know having to emotionally reaffirm your captain is not something that would fit into your ideal relationship. But for me, personally, I need something along the lines of that in order to trust someone. And here’s a secret, we’re all barely holding ourselves together just as much as you women are. One small misstep and most of us are on our way off a twenty story bridge into a canal.

This is coming off as more of a rant than a coherent post, but in my experience, you all seem to alieve my worrisome questions. In order for me to love someone, I have to emotionally trust them. In order to emotionally trust them, I have to know I can rely on their tender love and affection when I’m in a dark state of mind. Of course I would have my own obligations to fill as well.

But in closing, is this asking for too much?


[–]EliteBodSquad35 points36 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What you’ve written isn’t mothering, that’s the very basics of caring for your partner.

Mothering your partner is nagging, ordering them around, treating them like they don’t know what they’re doing, not respecting them as a leader or undermining their choices. It’s perceiving them as less competent than you followed by attempts to grow them into something else, these attempts come across as mothering. It’s not a woman’s responsibility to help a man grow, she’s there for support. The man should be self motivated to be better or already capable.

Edit: to add, I think those ‘I’m not his therapist’ comments are more from women with men that wallow in their feelings/constantly complain/give excuses for their lack of motivation without working towards fixing the problem.

[–]Kaboomboomboomboom10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You aren’t asking too much. In fact, you know what you want, and that is a caring woman who will listen. The fact that you are willing to opening up to her will be highly appreciated by the right woman.

[–]tintedlipbalm6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

In order for me to love someone, I have to emotionally trust them. In order to emotionally trust them, I have to know I can rely on their tender love and affection when I’m in a dark state of mind.

This is nothing out of the ordinary for a relationship.

I know having to emotionally reaffirm your captain is not something that would fit into your ideal relationship. But for me, personally, I need something along the lines of that in order to trust someone.

I don't think men know how men act with women one on one, of course they're vulnerable, of course they have to be reassured and built up. As much as men go around saying men like direct style communication above feels this is not true when it comes to how their woman communicates with them. Emotionally reassuring and reaffirming a man has always been part of the job and it doesn't constitute mothering.

When women say that they feel like his mother they mean that they see him as ineffectual because of the way he acts, because they have to step up because he won't, because he makes her the manager of the relationship which puts her in a position to tell him what to do and to be disappointed that they have to tell him what to do, because he is passive and useless and drags his feet and wants to be coddled.

When women say that they feel like they're their man's therapist, it usually means he whines a lot and does nothing about it, or/and that he doesn't have any male figure to talk his problems with, so he vomits them all on her. This is exhausting. Women are nurturing, but this doesn't mean they are equipped to absorb your every rumination. Also, I think it's baseline respect to guard how your partner perceives you and this goes for both sexes.

If a man is a great leader, but is facing great challenges and is doubting himself, his woman won't simply turn away in disgust at the sight of failure. He has been attractive all this time, a little weakness won't undo this. If a man is moping around all the time and has nothing to offer in return, of course that's going to be disgusting to her.

Furthermore, I do think different women react differently to this subject. I think some women are more frightened of male failure than others. Similarly with sexuality, some women like to keep things cleaner and are horrified when they find out what men are truly like. I do think the threshold of how much your wife can bear to see is highly dependent on personality compatibility, and TRP usually accounts for the type of woman that can't handle stuff so advice skews that way.

[–]HB32346 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think you perceive women making that statement to be saying "I refuse to do emotional labor for a man, ever", but let me explain what it means more often.

When women complain feel like a mother, they are almost always communicating that they are the captain of their relationship and they hate it. Likely they are exclusively the person leading, guiding, making decisions, and taking responsibility for the household. Many captain-quality men can thrive under these conditions, but most women don't.

These women make sure the bills are paid and are many times the higher income earner, but they are also shafted with the bulk of household chores when they come home. When your man is carrying his fair share, chores feel like a way to take care of him and are done with love. When your man is NOT carrying his fair share, it feels like picking up after an ungrateful child.

Furthermore, you have to realize that many of the men in the askTRP or MRP forums... did not vet well and now they are trying to figure out how to manage their partner. And for many of the men in the forums, it is possible their wives did not or currently do not love them, and so they don't give them the basics of a loving relationship.

Just like captain quality men are rare and RPW emphasizes vetting, vetting, vetting... so too it can be a challenge to find a commitment minded woman who really wants to build and grow something with you.

[–]mrssmithhh3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're describing general compassion and empathy that should be in a loving man-woman relationship. This is not too much to ask. You should only ever settle down with someone who cares about your troubles and someone who you can open up to and share your vulnerabilities with.

That being said, there is a difference between a man being transparent about this feelings, and a man looking to the woman to fix his feelings for him. Women don't want to mother a man because women have to mother children. I have two small sons and am pregnant with a third child, and I stay home with them and plan on homeschooling them. The amount of emotional regulating I do, and the amount of me that I pour into them is just beyond belief. At the end of the day, I am literally consumed and used up by taking care of them. I want my husband to show me his true feelings, and I comfort him when he feels bad and I care about how he feels, but I am so busy and utterly consumed by managing and caring for the kids that I need him to be able to fix his own problems. That is different than me caring for his problems. I care about his problems and how he feels very much. But I simply cannot fix his problems for him. I have too much to do. He is a grown man and he is more than capable of handling whatever is going on that is giving him grief or issues. I can offer him sympathy, and compassion, and my own emotional insights and I can make sure that he trusts me to have his back, but I can't take care of the kids and take care of a grown man, at least, not in the same way. There really is a level to which I simply need him to be self-sufficient and capable. If he is not self-sufficient and capable, and I am forced to take over, then my parenting suffers, and I am shouldered with the responsibility of two jobs (fathering and mothering) instead of just my one job. The whole family unit suffers.

If you really do have lots of baggage (I have had more baggage to unload than you can imagine), find a very scrupulous counselor and dedicate yourself to doing as much healing and self-knowledge as possible. I truly believe that MANY people choose romantic partners out of the trauma of their past - either to normalize it, or to try to "fix" the issues of their parents, or because they meet a person who makes them feel (good and oftentimes bad) the same way their parents did. Humans mate with people similar to their family of origin. This is a super dangerous trap if you are seeking real happiness, because you have a high probability of choosing someone who is bound to cause a repeat of dysfunctional family history. Then you have kids, and the whole terrible cycle of bad baggage and heartbreak and unhappiness is repeated again.

I would strongly suggest not to date at all for a while, if you really need some help. You will only attract women who are bad for you if you date while you are dysfunctional yourself. Get yourself on a better path and then find women, because you will be much more likely to find decent, good women who will be excellent partners and mothers.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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