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Let's get real for a second here ladies. As women, we are constantly sizing up the competition--at the grocery store, in the classroom, and even with models on TV. Nothing stokes our egos like knowing you are objectively better than most of those women.

Don't get me wrong. This rabid competitiveness is one of the least attractive features of being a women. No one likes the moralizing (or vain) women who can never stop talking about how superior she is to some group or another. However, that does not mean that you cannot tap into this natural urge. If you're like me, empty phrases taken from shampoo ads do not inspire me to change. "Because You're Worth It" doesn't motivate me. But beating the competition does.

Use this desire NOT TO TALK about being better, but to BECOME better. Anytime you think of slipping up on your diet or exercise plan, leaving the house a mess, or getting fast food instead of cooking, remember this. Think of all the women you will be beating each time you excel.

The trick is NEVER TO SPEAK OF THIS. A key feature of poise is to not sing your own praises, and definitely to not talk smack about those who don't do these things. Maybe with your like-minded BFF, but to no one else. Remember the old adage "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all."

If you practice this, you will know your value (thereby making you confident and able to graciously accept compliments), but you will also make a daily practice of being humble. It takes self control to not talk about how good you are, but it makes you much more likable long-term. Let other people notice your success, and only go into detail if asked.


[–]indianblanket 5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I am afraid it will conflict with my values

You need to set your own values. Don't let us tell you whether or not it's okay for you to do it. Read through some other peoples' experiences, and make a judgement call as to whether or not that's what you want. If you're not confident in your decision, keep doing the same thing.

Personally, waiting was best for me. My first LTR never instilled much confidence in me, and I was already much more reserved than my friends. I was afraid of pregnancy, and assumed (correctly) that if you're not ready to take on the consequences, you're not ready to take on the action. (basically, if you don't want a baby you don't do PIV. it's the only sure thing. but it's a choice you have to make.)

I've seen far too many women lose sight of what they wanted in life, and don't take the paths that lead there. They regale in the belief that fate handed them a baby, not their choices. While one can still have a wonderful life as a single mom, it is much harder and I have had many more opportunities without the extra responsibility on my shoulders.

TL;DR; sex is fun, but I saved it for future me and found other fun things and built the life I have now.

[–]RubyRP 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Hello, thank you for answering :) you're right that I should set my own values, even though I've been lurking here for a few months, I'm still learning a lot about how to be a better woman and I sometimes get a little unsure of my decisions. You make a good point, and besides the pregnancy risk, PIV also feels a bit more intimidating, like a bigger step (maybe this sounds silly, but oh well). I am happy with the few we have done so far, and I think maybe I'll keep experimenting milder things once in a while rather than having intercourse right now. I think it's a reasonable compromise. I don't want to end up regretting my choices, so I'm thinking of keeping the current situation until I am a bit more sure of myself. Thanks for the attention :)

[–]oasie 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

I don't want to end up regretting my choices, so I'm thinking of keeping the current situation until I am a bit more sure of myself

Think that would be very wise.

[–]maxxxi22 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I would highly suggest waiting until you 100% percent feel ready. You still seem indecisive so I don't think now is the best time. If your boyfriend really loves you, he won't mind waiting for you. Just because most girls your age have an active sex life doesn't mean you should. With sex comes responsibility and you have to be ready for it unless you want to suffer emotional consequences. If you do have sex, please use protection! Don't believe in the pull out method and be careful. Good luck!

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

This is just my opinion but I think 17 is too young to start having sex. You're still learning and developing. Not to mention that dealing with the extra hormones from sex at your age will make you feel extra crazy on top of your hormonal mood swings. Sex can also blind you to red flags in relationships and make you feel bonded to your partner so you would potentially stick it out longer even if you shouldn't. I bring up that last point because even though you both have been together three years, I assume you guys are going to University? People change a ton during their late teens/early twenties and having had sex could make you want to stick out the relationship longer even if that might not be the best choice if you guys start growing apart.

Also, on a more practical side. You shouldn't be having sex if you're not knowledgeable and prepared to accept any consequences. Have you gotten the gardasil vaccine? I would strongly urge you not to have sex unless you've gotten that. It's given over the course of three rounds over several months and will protect you from hpv and cervical cancer. Since vaccines are preventative, you need to get them before you're actually exposed for them to work. What is your plan for protection? Condoms? Birth control? Both? IUD? The pull-out method is not effective for the average user. It's only 96% effective when used PERFECTLY. So average effectiveness is only 73%. Do you know what you would do if you got pregnant? Would you want to keep the baby? Possibly derailing your life plans? Would your family help support you? Would you want an abortion? Would your family support you in that? Would your partner even agree to that?

Sex is fun, but it has a lot of responsibility that comes with it. Please make sure you educate yourself before taking the plunge.

[–]RubyRP 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Hey! First of all, I'd like to thank you for giving such a well thought, detailed response. It helps me a lot. To answer your questions, we will be attending university, however we will be going to the same college and not living in campus, but continuing to live with our parents. I'm not american and that is not costumary here. I have taken the gardasil vaccine and we have already discussed protection. I am currently on birth control and if we do have sex, we'll use a condom as well to be as safe as possible. That said, you have given me some good food for thought, and I will reflect on it to make a better decision. I'm not sure but I think I'll keep things as is and just do something mild ocasionally since it's pleasurable for both of us and doesn't have much risk since we both feel emotionally prepared, and then wait to see how I feel in a while. This seems most moderate and reasonable to me. Once again, thank you very much :)

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

No problem! That sounds like a good course of action to me. You sound like a responsible young woman! Just reiterating that it's okay to go at your own pace. If you want to wait that is okay. If you decide that you're prepared and comfortable with the next step, that's your decision and still just as valid as waiting. Just don't let your peers, or your boyfriend or even us dictate what you feel is best for you. Sex is very personal and differs for everyone and you know yourself best!

As an anecdote, I waited till I felt emotionally ready as piv sex was a big deal to me (I was still experimenting tho with boyfriends aka oral, manual etc.). Then I waited for the right guy to come along. I was 20 when it happened and I'm really glad I waited till I knew I could handle it. I grew up in a conservative religious household so I ended up having to work through feelings of guilt and shame even though logically I knew it was okay. If I had been younger I don't think I would have been able to work through those feelings since I didn't expect to have them as much as I did. I was lucky my then boyfriend was patient with the neediness I felt afterwards. Sex can really play with your emotions sometimes!

Again, that's just my personal experience, and it's up to you to decide what's right for you!

[–]Cock_Klepto 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

I wanted to chime in specifically on the learning and developing part. From a biological standpoint both you and your boyfriend's brains are still switching from that of a child to that of an adult. This doesn't stop until you're around 22-23. It's fact and you can google it.

This is something that should be considered and kept in mind in regards to life plans like marriage and taking the risk of pregnancy. You've still got 5 years of development left and while you'll probably have the same core beliefs there will be changes between who you are right now and who you will be.

I'm not here to say you should or shouldn't have sex, ultimately that's your choice. Pregnancy though is a very real risk, and if it's unplanned or at a bad time, can really derail your life plans. Your family has to be thought of as well with this because your decision and potential consequences will affect them.

[–]overcomplicate 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Let the boy smash it's been 3 years

[–]fetchyminx -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lmao

[–]nawinter77 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Mutual masturbation is a good in between. If you are enjoying the lighter foreplay stuff; maybe staying there is a good thing, for a while longer.

[–]coldspaghetti13 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

I also have the same dilemma about losing my virginity five months ago. I was too shielded with principles and the thought of 'losing my market value'. I told myself that I wouldn't have sex with anyone I don't love. After spontaneous encounters, I met a man who is genuine, smart, and refined. I decided that I will make love to him because I believe that opening up yourself to someone is a decision that you must make. Now he is my first (and I hope, last) boyfriend, we've traveled to different countries (in five months), and have a deeper understanding of each other.

[–]RubyRP 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

I understand what you mean. I often feel that I can take my beliefs too literally, if that makes sense. I feel the same way about that, even if I hold it off for a while, at this point I'm certain this is the person that I will lose my virginity to, because he is the only person I can see myself with, regardless of being young. Thank you for your input and congratulations on your happy relationship :)

[–]coldspaghetti13 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I have strong beliefs with my virginity -- not because I wanted to be "pure" for my future husband, but because I want to preserve the decision of choosing who to love. My first time was amazing and spontaneous, but eventually, I realized that sex is fun and sometimes smile to myself that I restricted myself to such pleasure that I could've experienced years back.

[–]unruffledlake 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

The way I see it,if you're not 100 percent sure you want to do it,you should 100 percent not do it.

Sex is very intimate and special,and can be one of the greatest joys in life(if not the greatest).However,to experience all the joy and satisfaction it can bring,you really need to be fully mentally and emotionally relaxed.Which you certainly aren't if youre asking redditors for an advice.

Don't do it cuz your parents see you together,don't do it cuz he makes you feel secure,don't do it cuz you've been with him for so and so.Do it cuz you know,deep inside,whatever happens,you forever want him in your memory as the guy you gave yourself to.

[–]Banincoming -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Depends on what you want in life. The more partners you have, the less likely you will be happy with/stay married to any future partners.

This is a crap example, but what if the sex with this boyfriend is amazing (since you have no comparison, his dick will seem huge and all his moves incredible and new) but you eventually break up due to long distance, or whatever. Then you meet your future husband, who is perfect in every way but the sex isn't quite as good. You won't be satisfied with your future husband, and instead be resentful and look down on him.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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