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THEORYWhat To Do When Your Captain Won't Lead (self.RedPillWomen)

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So you’ve found Red Pill Women. You’ve read the popular posts. You’re ready to start surrendering and being a great first mate! The problem? Your husband isn’t stepping up. You feel defeated. Why isn’t this working?! It must be him. He isn’t leading like the sub said he would. ‘How do you fix this?’ You ask.

First and foremost, you can’t change your man. You also can’t demand he be the leader and take charge. For one, he probably won’t know what you’re talking about, and for two, that’s called leading from behind the scenes or topping from the bottom. This is not true surrendering, not true following your captain’s lead. So how do we do it? Men are simple, straightforward creatures. They don’t understand subtle or even obvious hints. So cut it out, and stop being passive aggressive when he doesn’t get it. One of my favorite manosphere bloggers, Ian Ironwood, wrote a great article about encouraging men to lead:

It’s not that these dudes are duds, understand. In almost every case they are good, decent, kind men who have dedicated themselves to their families and their wives. It’s not that they lack devotion, understand – most are filled with good intentions and a deep-seated desire to succeed. What they often lack is understanding.

Oftentimes these men have grown up cowed, with distant or absent fathers and strong, sometimes even domineering mothers. They have been taught by society that their masculinity is a stain they must overcome, and they approach their duties as father and husband like penance, not a prize hard won.

Taming of the Shrew

Depending on how shrew-like you have been in your marriage and for how long, you have contributed to your husband’s betafication. So first and foremost, let’s make sure that we have fixed that problem. Always be working on yourself, putting your best foot forward, not nagging, always encouraging, sweet, helpful, a good first mate. Even one slip up in a heated moment can tear down what took him a month to build up. Progress can be slow, based on your husband’s beta tendencies in general, how long/how bad your lack of submission contributed to the problem, and how quickly you internalize RPW. Please remember that this is your husband’s journey, not yours. Don’t rush him or goad him into progress. That will not work.

Based on articles written by Ian Ironwood and the book The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle, here are my tips for encouraging your husband to lead you and your family!

Don’t phrase it as a question

...Rather a statement. “I’d like to know what you want for dinner.” Men are used to deferring to their wives’ wishes and whims in the interest of equality. When you phrase something as a statement rather than a question, you make a decision his. You are deferring and he is put in charge of a decision. Laura Doyle says that if he tries to hand you back the reins, you should simply reply, “whatever you think,” each time he tries to do this. I did this with my husband as he was shopping for his car. It works for any situation! For dinner plans, for buying a car, anything!

Example 1 RPW: I’d like to know what you want for dinner.

DH: I don’t care. What do you feel like making?

RPW: Whatever you’d like.

I will add that your Captain’s personality type (greater beta, alpha, sigma etc) greatly affects the way his leadership emerges and how it appears. It will take you knowing your captain to flesh out whether he is still trying to kowtow to your authority or if he is actually delegating. In the beginning, depending on the degree of beta and how long/how bad the dynamic has been in your household, your husband will most likely be more blue pill and inclined to let you lead but as your relationship evolves, you will need to use your judgement about which situations he is actually delegating to you. Wives may have to surrender a lot at first to fix a husband who stopped leading in the face of her prior overdominance. However, over-submission can become a burden to the relationship once he starts taking control of more areas of life and delegating certain ones to his First Mate. Instead of offering open-ended questions to the Captain about tasks delegated, a good First Mate will offer her Captain choices that contain the information he requires to make a decision.

Example 1a RPW: (knowing there is ground beef) Would you like beef stroganoff or meatloaf tonight for dinner?

Example Two

DH: We have an extra $200 this month. Should we pay down debt or put it into the savings?

RPW: Whatever you think is just fine with me, babe!

DH: I'd really like your input though, especially since you make the payments.

RPW: We have about $XXXX in savings and $XXX with 18% interest on the credit card.

After the decision has been made, you can’t criticize it. This can be the most difficult part, especially when he makes a decision you don’t like. You don’t like what he picked for dinner? Shut up. Think you should have paid off the credit card? Shut up. When you make the decision to make it his decision you have to leave it there. If you take it back and say “I think we should do it this way,” or “No, I don’t like that,” it makes him feel as if he has failed some sort of test in your eyes. Once again, he can’t do a single thing right to please his wife. I like to ask myself “is this the hill I want to die on?” which is basically me asking myself how important this decision is and is it worth potentially tearing down my man by questioning his decisions and setting your captain-first mate dynamic back who knows how long.

"But what if he messes up?"

It is not a matter of if he will mess up, but rather when he will mess up. He is guaranteed to, he is human. You mess up too, sometimes really badly, he just most likely doesn’t rake you over the coals about it. Each time your husband makes a mistake he is learning. He feels the responsibility and any associated feelings (humiliation, fear, failure). He needs a soft place to land, a supportive and loving wife. I know some women are thinking, “I’m not allowed to be upset? His decisions affect me!”

Sure you are. But you don’t get to rip him a new one. You do get to help him dust himself off and watch as he fixes the problem. When he messes up, do not jump in to help. Do not reassume control. This will be hard, especially in the heat of the moment. Resist the urge! Let your husband figure it out for himself. Laura Doyle wrote something that resonated with me early on in my RPW journey: “Your husband manages to communicate, problem solve, and produce in his job. Clearly he has the skills to do the same at home.” What a simple yet powerful notion! He is capable!

Encourage an Alpha Presentation

Ian Ironwood also uses this suggestion for encouraging your husband to assume leadership:

Simply put, a way to quietly encourage a man toward a more Alpha presentation is to put him in situations in which you would like him to display Alpha, and then quietly invite him to do so without judgment or rejection. You can do this in a number of ways. He goes on to tell a story of when he and the now Mrs. Ironwood were dating, she asked him to come along with her to her father’s house to drop off a gift for him. She included that he may have been drinking and that she would appreciate his company in case things got out of hand. What sort of man can refuse a favor like that?! She asked him to go as her protector. Men love feeling needed for the masculine abilities and protection is a huge one.

Helen Andelin, in Fascinating Womanhood lists the traits men love to be noticed and complimented on:

  • his masculine body

  • skills and abilities

  • achievements, goals and dreams

  • masculine traits of character

  • his masculine role

When trying to tailor a situation to your husband that would quietly encourage an alpha presentation, look for ones that will highlight these subjects and you’re sure to get a win.

Conclusion

As you continue with your RPW journey, please remember that not all men are alike and not all men are alphas. There is a wide spectrum of male personalities and truthfully not all of us ladies would do well with an alpha. My husband is a man I would classify as a “greater beta”. He is someone who possesses leadership qualities however he will not step up if someone else is willing to hop in the driver’s seat. The hardest part for me was to overcome the tendency to dominate him and keep myself in my own seat. At first I was disappointed because I thought red pill wouldn’t work for us. But then I realized, I am judging DH based on what I think a leader looks like and how I would do things if I was leading. I need to watch him and how he leads, which is super laid back and almost looks like he isn’t at all. But he does, in his relaxed, undemanding way. I just have to learn to stay out of his way.

Good luck, be patient, and don't give up! This journey is so worthwhile!

~Sadie


[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

She needs the money because she blew all of hers

Major red flag spotted!

[–]est-la-lune 10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

From what you've written about your GF, your discomfort probably comes from the fact she has serious red flags.

If I were you, the fact that she's willing to undergo such a risky procedure (for the reasons you gave) is enough to reconsider the relationship.

Women generally have stronger intuition than men so if your gut is telling you something is wrong then you need to take action. Donating her eggs is your GF's choice but continuing the relationship is yours.

[–]Littleknownfacts 8 points9 points  (27 children) | Copy Link

If you like then you shoulda put a ring on it. If she is not your wife she has her life to worry about. You can share your hesitations about it, and of course you can always choose to leave if she decides to go through with it. But ultimately it is her decision, and I wouldn't advise her to base long term decisions on the opinion of a man who may not be with her for ever.

[–]HappierDaysAhead 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

We have plans for marriage and have been together for three years.

[–]Littleknownfacts 5 points6 points  (25 children) | Copy Link

Hard plans? A ring? A date? Or just flowery promises made in bed? Three years is a short amount of time compared to forever. And a boyfriend is not a husband.

[–]HappierDaysAhead 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

So you're saying she should sell her genetic offspring because she's not engaged.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

No, we are saying you have no right unless you do.

[–]HappierDaysAhead 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Technically I have no right either way. She could do the same shit If we were married.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy Link

Is she willing to choose you over a few thousand dollars?

[–]HappierDaysAhead 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

She said If I went into the office, and still felt uncomfortable she wouldn't do it. But I highly doubt it, with her personality I guarantee she is going to do it either way. She put herself in a bad financial position so she almost had to do it also. She will blame me and resent me if she doesn't do it because of me, I already know.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

So PROTECT her and deal with the outburst. Then find another way. Help her with her finances. Man up.

[–]HappierDaysAhead 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

I have already offered her help. But finances are also tight for me because I just started a company. I told her I would support her, aka could live with me for free and all of those things. She just needs to work any bullshit part time job temporarily.

[–]Littleknownfacts 2 points3 points  (13 children) | Copy Link

So you're saying she should sell her genetic offspring and potentially ruin a future with a long term boyfriend because she's not engaged.

No, I'm saying that decision is up to her and not you.

[–]HappierDaysAhead 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

No I completely get that. It's obvious her choices are not my decision. IF I went and cheated on her with 5 women, that was obviously my choice, but it has an impact on her doesn't it?

[–]Littleknownfacts 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

No I completely get that. It's obvious her choices are not my decision. IF I went and cheated on her with 5 women, that was obviously my choice, but it has an impact on her doesn't it?

Yeah, of course. But you aren't asking us if you should go out and cheat with five women. You are asking us to validate your feelings that you are right and she is wrong from a woman's POV and that's just not going to happen. Not from me at least.

[–]daisyskirt194 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Leave it a poisonous man to liken donating eggs to "cheating with 5 people."😒

[–]HappierDaysAhead 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

It's not the same thing, but it's an explaination of how using your body for whatever may affect other people also.

[–]daisyskirt194 2 points3 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

"For whatever" The main difference in the two is acknowledging that it's not for whatever.

One is selfish destruction and betrayal of love/relationship.

The other is donating eggs to help an infertile couple have a chance at a family. Typical poison. You haven't expressed any serious plans to date and marry her, have you? You're only saying it now in passing to express some sort of claim over her body/future bc it would look bad for you to do so without saying that you have serious long term plans with her.

You 'ignored it' or didn't think much of it when she FIRST told you. That means you weren't that serious about the relationship bc if you WERE it would have stood out to you.

[–]HappierDaysAhead 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Except it's not some magical noble deed. Women sell their eggs for money not for nobility. Her sacrificing her health, my future children with her, upsetting people around her (her family doesn't support it either) legal issues and tons of other shit for another woman who probably put her career before having kids is in a way selfish also. It depends on who you ask. Yes, we have been talking about marriage and kids and making plans for it after she graduates.

[–]ivegotsomequestions0 3 points4 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

What does it mean, she has to come up with money in the next few months? There is no way for her to get a job and pay off debt over time? Drive for lyft in her spare hours?That's usually how people do it...

Frankly, Id be more concerned about her financial savviness, unless there are extenuating circumstances that you didn't mention.

If she really needs money asap or else something very

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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