Ladies, do you want a relationship/marriage with no kids?

noreallyimsick · 2019-06-28T20:05:06+00:00

i can’t have biological children due to health issues, and i’ve known that since i was very young, so i’ve never even entertained the thought! my plan has been for a while now to be a foster mom!

RedPillWonder · 2019-06-28T20:02:00+00:00

We decided last November to start trying for a baby in August. Out of the 4 women I speak to frequently (daily), one has 3 children, one has 2 children, one is unable to have children and one has no interest in having children. I don’t know if I’ve noticed an up tick but it does seem more socially acceptable to not have them than before.

Edit: I’m 31 and the friends I mentioned 27-36.

ill-settle-for · 2019-06-28T21:04:36+00:00

I’ve had friends say they don’t want kids because they’re worried about overpopulation, or about their kids growing up in an increasingly messed-up world. (Most of my friends are pretty liberal because, you know, super blue state. And feminist - bucking gender roles, and all that. It’s not “cool” right now to want to be a mother, unless to specifically raise strong young girls and non-toxically-masculine boys) Just being pregnant is also an issue: I know people who plan to adopt or foster, but just don’t want to be pregnant because of all the complications and the potential havoc on their bodies or those of their kids. (Asexuality is also a factor here)

I think it’s normal (maybe not majority, but certainly not weird) for teenage girls to not want kids because they feel hopelessly unprepared for them. I don’t know for sure, but it certainly seems like teens are feeling increasingly apprehensive about the future, with not knowing how to “adult” or get jobs, find a place to live, fund life, etc.

Personally, my dream is to be married - have a very close, devoted partnership and take on the world together, as it were - but I have absolutely no desire to ever be pregnant or raise kids of my own; and I know it’s not really my place to dictate my callings, etc. but I hope to God I never do. I am so drastically inclined toward anxiety and worry about the people I’m not even technically responsible for, not to mention my pets. I don’t want to spend the next few decades of my life, when I’m finally financially independent and have found someone I want to spend my life with, in a constant state of abject fear for my kids’ wellbeing. It’s not like I dislike kids - I wish I could improve circumstances for all of them in a drastic way. I’d even consider fostering. But I can’t be completely and exclusively responsible for someone for 20+ years. I don’t want to be pregnant, I don’t want to be tied down to one spot whether I want to be or not…there’s a lot.

There are an awful lot of reasons why there might be an uptick in women not wanting kids. And when you put three or more of those reasons together at once, the prospect of having kids is kind of terrifying. It’s fair to point out that when someone has a large number of reasons why they can’t do something, they probably just really don’t want to do it. But so what if I just really don’t want to have kids? So what if other people don’t? Those reasonings are still perfectly valid and may be true as well, and as long as you haven’t actually conceived a child yet, you are allowed to make the decision not to do so in the future.

tundrabunny7 · 2019-06-28T19:12:47+00:00

I used to be vehemently against having children. I was annoyed by them, grossed out by them, the whole lot. Even told my boyfriend at the time kids would be a dealbreaker for me.

Now it's my greatest dream and what fuels my motivation and discipline. This feeling started when I was 23ish, I'm 25 now. I think it came naturally with growing older, as each year in our early 20's is a time of huge change imo.

Hammocknapping · 2019-06-28T18:15:17+00:00

I have no maternal instincts. Children disgust me. Heck, I didn’t like kids when I was one.

There have always been women who felt this, but many did have the option to opt out of reproduction.

HB3234 · 2019-06-28T21:41:06+00:00

Kind of true for me too. My partner and I want "children", but we don't want to have children. We plan to adopt teens (who often have a much harder time finding families).

Many of my generation just aren't in a financial place where they feel they can give a child a decent life. Couple that with the fact that many milennials face deep anxiety about climate change and the general world their children would inherit ...I agree that I definitely see a decent number of the upper middle class women I know shrugging off children (and even marriage!)

schielegirl · 2019-06-29T05:25:26+00:00

I'm a red-pilled woman and I'm not having kids due to severe mental illness running in my family. And other wacko genetic issues. Luckily I'm dating a man whose snipped so I dont have to worry about it 🤷‍♀️

SilentG33 · 2019-06-28T23:15:34+00:00

I used to be ambivalent about having kids. My marriage of 7 years ended in divorce and we never had any kids.

I’m currently 35 with a 41 year old boyfriend, soon fiancé. Neither of us really wants kids. He travels a lot for work and I enjoy traveling with him when my schedule permits. We are saving to buy our first home next year. I want to go back to school for my PhD once we’ve purchased a home. I think for us, the leaning to not have kids is financial/freedom oriented.

I also have a genetic illness (aortic valve issue) that could be passed down. My dad just had open heart surgery a few months ago to repair his. I’ll have to have mine done sometime in the next 10 years. I’m terrified (even though my dad who is 30 years older than me got through the procedure and recovery just fine) and I wouldn’t want my child to have to deal with that.

LookingForEquanimity · 2019-06-28T19:44:11+00:00

I’m still unsure at 31.

The idea of having a baby and a family is nice but I’m not sure I’ll go on to do it. I’m so afraid for the future and I wouldn’t want to bring a child into the world unless serious changes are made to protect the environment and combat global warming.

And even then I still may not. Shouldn’t one be 100% certain they do want a baby? I struggle with this question every day.

But I do still want to get married. 100%. No doubts about that.

durtyknees · 2019-06-28T19:34:38+00:00

My parents didn't behave like parents, and caring for my younger siblings before I was an adult drained any maternal instincts I might have had. I've always been childfree and only dated childfree men, and eventually married one.

You can't choose your biological family, but you can choose your legal family through marriage, which is why marriage is important to me.

RadMacaroni · 2019-06-28T23:50:36+00:00

Short answer: I don't know if I want to have children.

Long answer: As I (24F) get older, I am more torn on the issue. When I was younger I absolutely wanted nothing to do with kids. Now I day dream about teaching my kid how to lift weights in a garage gym that my imaginary husband and I built together.

However, I'm definitely crippled by a handful of anxieties. The common financial, economic, overpopulation, etc. anxieties, but also others that are the product of the relationship with my own parents. Their marriage was trash and my relationship with them has always been strained due to a myriad of reasons (substance abuse, poor communication skills, lack of emotional intelligence, the list goes on). I'm deeply terrified of having children only for them to suffer like I did. I just don't feel confident I could give them what I would've wanted.

I'll echo that I think there's an uptick in women wanting to live childfree, and also it's largely becoming more socially acceptable to feel that way.

bel_esprit_ · 2019-06-28T21:29:16+00:00

Me and my fiancé have reflected a lot on this.

Right now we have a beautiful, fun relationship where we share so many activities and hobbies together. We sail, hike, swim, go bike riding, ski in the winters, and are taking kite surfing classes. We have an adventure relationship and it’s so much fun. We feel like we’re experiencing so much and making so many memories.

We enjoy doing our hobbies and activities together. We go out dancing and find cool and unique places to visit, restaurants to eat at, etc. We read books and take naps in our downtime. We participate in beach clean ups in our community. We have a great sex life. It’s seriously the best relationship I’ve ever been in.

People always comment on how they’d love to do all that we are doing but they can’t bc kids. People always comment how tired and stressed out they are bc of the kids. Our friends with kids are always strapped in some way. His guy friends tell him they never have sex with their wives anymore, thanks to kids.

My fiancé owns his own business now but came from a high level position in a global company. He traveled a lot for work. His male colleagues couldn’t wait to leave on the trips bc they wanted to be away from the kids and have some space. These guys aren’t losers or asshole men. They didn’t cheat on their wives on the trips. They just wanted to stay in the work hotels (which were also super fancy) so they could finally sleep in peace. This really opened my fiancé’s eyes to how stressful life with kids is. Work is the most stressful part of his life, but these guys would rather be at work than with their kids?! How bad is it to have/manage kids?!? (Also important to note that these guys weren’t even the primary caretakers of their kids, their wives were).

My fiancé and I both love kids and are great with them when they are around. But we’ve decided we don’t want to have kids. We can’t think of how kids will make our lives any better. After everything we’ve seen with our friends once they have kids, we aren’t convinced their lives became that much better. Just more stressful with more things to worry about. We have so much freedom and fulfillment now. And the world is already overpopulated.

We don’t need to have kids. We don’t live on a farm and could use extra helping hands. We don’t have the desire to have little “mini mes” running around. We’re not sad or lonely and would never expect a kid to make up for that. We have plenty of money to do what we want with. We are very happy.

It wasn’t a decision we took lightly. We truly considered if having kids was the best thing for us, and we decided it’s not. So many people haphazardly have kids and they shouldn’t even be parents, nor can they afford them. That to me is shameful.

We still have traditional roles in all other ways. He leads and provides so much for me, and I take care of him. Besides our parents being upset that we don’t want kids, it’s really perfect.

wanderingdorathy · 2019-06-28T23:09:18+00:00

I have all of the dreams of being a stay at home wife and none of the dreams of having children. My fiancé and I have talked about what that would look like. He makes enough currently to cover all of our expenses. I volunteer 15 hours a week for a church and get free housing from that (we don’t yet live together and I’m also working part time to cover my own expenses and to save for wedding stuff). Our plan is to continue that pattern- where he works and my time is spent serving part time for a non profit/ working at a church/ etc, and the other part of my time is maintaining the house. I’m 24 now and am 85% sure I don’t want kids and he feels like he could go either way, but at this point has no burning desire to procreate.

There are a lot of pieces of the puzzle for me. I have nannied before and I definitely think I could be a good mom- so it’s not about ability. To me, the world is a really scary place to bring children into. I can’t hardly read the news without thinking “15 years ago my mom told me to go play outside until the street lights came on, but now that’s unheard of”. Climate change is sort of in the back of my head too- in France right now it’s 115 degrees almost- what happens when places are too hot to live in at this rate what would happen to my children? Cost is another factor. I live really frugally and that’s a big factor in how we can live on one income, but I don’t know how that would stretch with children. His whole family lives in Southern California so if we wanted the support of nearby family we would have to move to a VERY expensive area.

In the end though the biggest factor is that I simply don’t want them. I’ve never wanted them. With how many people live on the planet there’s no reason to have any more- especially if I don’t really want them. I know the argument back is “oh you will and then it will be to late” I definitely think I’d rather risk that than have them and despise them. I can always help foster or adopt if my mothering instincts kick into high gear.

I also think your question has some macro sociological answers. Wanting to have lots of children (post industrialization when they could bring in an income or help on the farm) happens in times of relative prosperity. The “baby boomers” were coming off of the high of winning the WWII and the tech boom that gave us color TV and people landing on the moon. People wanted to bring babies into the fold of peace and love in the 70s. The 80s and 90s had an amazing hope of what the future was going to bring. Everyone thought by now we’d be in flying cars and living in space. People want to have babies when the future looks bright. But there are sooo few people my age who have hope in a better future. Like me- they just see things getting worse. So why bring a child into a sick over populated planet?

sparkledragon45 · 2019-06-29T00:15:14+00:00

I used to think I wanted kids, but over the years the desire has waned. I don't feel like I am mentally/emotionally strong enough to care for another life. I struggle caring for pets, I don't want to unintentionally neglect a child.

Plus, with no children we can retire early and take many more vacations!

Kara__El · 2019-06-28T18:22:50+00:00

I work in a really liberal field and almost all of my coworkers want to be married, without children. They want to spend their money and time traveling and doing exciting things. They want to focus on their careers and make a difference in the world, that way. Personally, I think it's selfish to have kids, just because it makes conversation easier, if you don't want them. I admire that they know themselves well enough to realize that children aren't for them.

organicsunshine · 2019-06-28T18:46:46+00:00

Having kids is scary and expensive. It seems impossible. No woman is ready for her first kid until she pees positive. When your world flips you have no choice but to change your perspective.

est-la-lune · 2019-06-29T03:59:00+00:00

I don't want kids! I decided not to have them when I was 16, and I'm 25 now.

I'm an only child and grew up around my parents' friends who had no kids. As a teenager/adult I feel awkward around them... some I love, but I'm not a "natural" and I think that contributes to a lack of interest in being a parent.

But as I've gotten older my reasons have changed... I do feel strongly that there is a lot going on socially and environmentally that makes having (biological) kids not the best choice. I know there are other people who feel 100% about being parents and are still well-adjusted, contributing members of society. Someone needs to have kids, but not everyone. If I ever change my mind I'd adopt or become a step-parent.

I meet a lot of women IRL who share my views but men tend to be more ambivalent and this has been a huge issue when dating... a lot of the men who say they're childfree are playing the field or are unambitious/low-achieving. :/

charmingdelight · 2019-06-29T11:52:16+00:00

When I first got married 5 years ago at 21, we both wanted children. A year in we changed our minds, mainly out of selfishness & all the liberal brainwashing. I convinced myself that having children was the selfish decision. Between 24-25 (around the time I found RPW) I had all the biological urges to reproduce but we wanted to think on it before making any rash decisions. We realized that we would regret not having a child & thought that a child would bring something bigger to our lives than just ourselves.

We had a baby last year at 26 and I don't ever want to think of my life without her. She is the light of my life and such an amazing person and an awesome experience watching her grow every day. Even though I had PPD, hated the newborn days, my daughter has a heart condition, and there was a HUGE adjustment period, I don't regret it one bit and love our family of three.

That said, one child is the perfect balance for us. Mentally and for how intentional I would like to raise our daughter, I can't imagine having more than one. Having one gives us enough freedom to still pursue hobbies/travel, have enough money and resources to give to our daughter and still have all the joy that a child brings to your life. I love having an only! I find it a nice balance.

Now, I am not a career woman or have been adamant about never having a kid for more than a few years. I think if you have zero biological urges and are content with your life than so be it. I can understand that. However, if you're not having kids because of the sleepless nights, tending to others needs before your own, not having thousands in the bank, maybe check your heart for any selfishness and consider having just one.

Just my two cents as someone who was on the fence.

ny-lady · 2019-07-02T04:22:27+00:00

More do it because there is actually a choice now. And truth be told the world is a bit of a mess...

I didn't want any, I knew at a young age for myriad of reasons. Im mid 40's now with no regrets on this. Adoption/foster was always on the table and is still an option.

I didn't know making this decision I would be shamed for it or felt sorry for though.

emmyfeline · 2019-06-28T19:39:03+00:00

That’s my ideal marriage, both me and my long term (7 years) boyfriend dislike kids in general, they aren’t for us, we can’t imagine life WITH kids, it sounds nightmarish.

GREAT if you love kids or whatever, but both of us don’tx he actually wants to get a vasectomy, and i want to get my tubes tied.

artemis286 · 2019-06-28T22:59:56+00:00

We personally want kids, I'm actually extremely pregnant with our first at the moment. But I've seen many reasons for not wanting children. Many are concerned about the economic and financial issues, and for some they have concerns about overpopulation. But I've actually delved into the research about that, and the current falling birth rates in developed countries actually spell big problems down the road since almost all have fallen far below replacement levels... But that's a whole other conversation haha!

Others just don't have the maternal drive or instinct. Some would rather focus on their careers, travel, and things of that nature. For some, feminism has seemed to have an influence, and they want to buck the idea that they have to reproduce.

Part of my studies in school have been family dynamics and changes over time. Statistically, more women are opting to remain childless than ever before in all developed countries, and I've certainly noticed that trend as well.

But it also depends how old the women are that you are speaking too. I know plenty of women that claimed that they didn't want marriage or children when they were young, and now have both.

[deleted] · 2019-06-28T22:31:53+00:00

I have always been excited when thinking about the possibility of having children! Not right now, as my husband has to finish uni and we want to get settles first, but I hope not too long.

Maybe it is upbringing (my parents had a great relationship, me and my brother were well cared for and my parents still continued to do many things after having kids) or just something inside of me, but I really cannot wait!

[deleted] · 2019-06-29T01:30:17+00:00

I don’t want kids. Of course I have no idea what the future holds. Maybe I’ll change my mind. I do want marriage. I like kids.....just in small quantities. I’ve never really been able to see myself as a mom. It just isn’t really me.

artistmystic112 · 2019-06-29T02:56:48+00:00

I mean yes it would be nice just economically not realistic. Career, work, entrepreneurship that takes up most energy. And most other women's energy that I know too.

veronicathevet · 2019-06-29T06:41:45+00:00

I had a crappy childhood. I was an afterthought and felt like a burden. I never felt loved. I sometimes struggle showing love even to my husband- who I love dearly. At one point my husband and I thought him being the stay at home Dad would be a good option if we were going to be parents since he’s way more affectionate than me and I was making significantly more money than him.

He ended up getting a really great job where he makes almost double what I make and travels a lot. After many discussions, I got my tubes tied as neither of us wanted to sacrifice our careers to raise a child.

Honestly, I mostly never ever wanted to risk having a child and he or she not feel loved like I did. People say “you’ll be different”, but what if I’m not? I wouldn’t wish a fraction of my childhood sadness on another child.

We have no regrets about it.

glassSkullCandy · 2019-07-01T17:30:15+00:00

I'm 43. I still don't want children of my own. I have been told on numerous occasions, the feeling will come and I will want to have children. I don't think that feeling will ever happen. I've never met a man who is worthy of my children. I don't like this world and I don't like the way people behave towards one another. It's far too selfish and hateful for my liking. I'm also old enough to remember a time when the water and air was clean and the environment was natural. That is all but a distant memory and I don't think I could live with myself if I were to have my own children knowing the shit that I would serve to them on a golden platter.

gscheit · 2019-06-28T21:18:07+00:00

I’m looking forward to starting a family, it’s everyone’s biological imperative and from what parents tell a great source of purpose. I also just like children and really enjoy my relationship with my parents. My boyfriend want children, too. There definitely are quite a few girlfriends of mine who study with me and want no children or one child only.

Mrswizardwizard · 2019-06-30T22:25:32+00:00

I have heard an uptick from what I used to remember, yes. I think it’s a mix of women feeling less pressured to, feminism poisoning women into thinking they’re the same as men and careers are better than family, and that it’s trendy now to not want kids. Women that participate in the whole ‘keep your crotch goblin away from me’ culture are seen as funny/modern/strong and independent now. I’m not talking about women that don’t want kids due to infertility or other serious issues, I’m talking about the ones that don’t want children in the context of ‘I hate kids, ew get your kid away from me, keep kids out of public spaces’ phenomena we’re seeing today.

Kat_ri · 2019-06-29T14:58:28+00:00

I do! I want to be the cool aunt and uncle! First reason I don't want kids is the mental illness that runs in my family (lots of mid life psychosis and suicide). Second reason is that my mother was a nanny and had her own daycare when I was growing up and as the oldest girl I was her first mate. That means between 6-15 kids around everyday, sometimes from 6 in the morning until 10 at night, from the time I was 4 until I moved out as an adult. I'm simply burned out since I didn't really like them in the first place. I have high emotional expectations of parents and have seen first hand how money and good intentions can't buy emotional well adjustment when your parents don't love you and/or resent you. I can conquer the first issue with help. The second could change tomorrow and I'll get hit with baby rabies but I refuse to compromise on it. At the barest minimum children deserve a mother who wants them.

Spazzy19 · 2019-07-03T18:08:40+00:00

I’m 35F and in my previous 10yr marriage we both decided to be CF. I’m now with a wonderful man who has a 10.5yr old daughter and I’m getting to see motherhood through step parenting. I’ve never had a drive to just have kids, though so many people say I’d make a “great mom.” I like my freedom and am not particularly interested in babies etc. Even step parenting, while very fun and satisfying most of the time, can wear on me after awhile.

My SO is 43 and fine going either way, though he admits it would dampen plans we have to travel and partake in desired activities. I also have PCOS which I look at as “natural birth control” for me. I’m not worried about it and am content caring for my partner and living my current life. It can get annoying when people (well meaning or not) tell me I’ll change my mind or that I’m selfish for not reproducing...

I would actually like to foster kids in the future when we have a bigger place and his daughter is older, though, and I’m thankful my SO is agreeable to that idea!