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187

Imagine this.

You're alone with this hot girl, her tight sweater suggesting a perfect rack underneath. You slide her sweater up to take a better look and find a pair of perky, bouncy tits. She looks at you seductively and says "let me show you more".

She pulls out a scalpel and cuts off the nipple, pointing out the many nerve endings. She peels off the skin and goes through the layers of fat and muscle, explaining the anatomy.

I'm a guy who likes to know how things work. Stars, enzymes, engines, I want to know how they do what they do, I love seeing their inner workings exposed and understanding them.

But a pair of hot boobs, they're only hot when they're put together. A dissected cross section doesn't do shit for me, on the contrary. In the context of the girl in front of me, seeing their bloody inner workings is revolting.

As a man, your frame is your biggest asset for attracting girls. The poise and calm, the easy dominance, it's like crack to them.

When a girl shit tests you, that's like you pulling off a girl's sweater. She's doing it to get a better look at your frame. Flex your frame, pass the shit test. She'll like that.

But some guys, they just can't help themselves. They think she challenges them because she wants to see the inner workings. So they pull out the scalpel and begin dissecting their frame: "this is my vision for our marriage, I'm doing this to become a better man, I said X and you said Y but then did Z and that's unfair, yadda yadda".

Stop fucking doing that. It's all over the side bar - STFU, don't DEER, hold frame, pass shit tests, don't listen to your wife. There's a reason for that. She wants a cocky guy that's above her little games, not some beta chump she can pull around by demanding that he justify his actions.

So don't do it. Don't take her shit test, her probing of your frame, as a request for you to explain your magnificient vision, great plans and deep understanding of relationship dynamics. Not only does she not give a shit, she's disgusted by it.

Keep that image in your mind. You DEERing is like her dissecting her boobs. It's revolting.


[–]alphasixfour 73 points74 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Best way I heard it described was "don't call your play, talk about your jersey, your technique, the hours of practice you put in, your sore calf muscle, etc. etc etc. Just dunk the fucking basketball and fuck the cheerleader"

[–][deleted] 34 points35 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I needed this right now thanks.

[–]symbologythere 14 points15 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I needed to hear this - in this manner - to finally get it. Thank you.

[–]K-Tryptophan 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

This community is better because you're in it :)

[–]SteelSharpensSteel[M] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Bot. Banned.

[–]ReddJive 15 points16 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Excellant post. Too many view shit tests solely through the realm of disrespect. True they can be but they are also her looking to test your frame. Once you engage her it’s a war of egos.

Any situation marred by ego cannot stay for long. When you enter into an argument with her, point for point. You think you are using Red Pill arguments (Hey lady here’s my grand vision) while she is deep in the feels, all you are doing is trying too fix her feels. Trying to convince her that this is better. Jack ass it’s not your job to fix her feels. If your grand vision was that great she would sense it and see it and you wouldn’t be in this fucking mess.

To give your ego a boost, you will engage her. You will try to one up her or argue on her level; to prove your masculine superiority but all you are doing is proving to her that she can get to you. This is because ego boosters give you a false sense of superiority.

In a war of egos the loser always wins.

[–]cdogg75 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

In a war of egos the loser always wins

Just awesome

[–]TurdDoctorHard Core Red24 points25 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, some guys just talk too much, she doesn't want to know your every thought. It's her job to bla bla bla about whatever comes in her head at the time.

It's your job to be the cocky, in control, funny, driving the bus kinda man who doesn't have to explain himself.

[–]ChadTheWaiter100 7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

How can you communicate with your wife on a regular basis without talking “too much”? Serious question.

[–]WorkingThePath 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Probably not possible. I’m realizing more and more that I’ve been taking way too much to my wife for a decade. This is something we’re conditioned to do. I’ve allowed myself to slip, allowed myself no hobbies etc... in favor of “over communicating” with my wife.

Shittiest trade ever.

Been trying STFU for a week. Changing my life. All of a a sudden I’m realizing, fuck when I’m not worried about lame conversations with my wife I have time to lift, read, work on my business.

STFU is my new favorite thing in the world.

[–]RStonePT 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I can tell

[–]WorkingThePath 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Fuck. I see what I just did there. Back to STFU.

[–]screechhater 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ya, they really do not want to talk about how the sausage is made.

Seriously don’t want you to have bad hygiene, either. And, don’t want to talk about about it

[–]lipidsly 7 points8 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Whats your take on positive verbal reinforcement?

My girl came to me about a decision she needs to make to make sure its okay with me. I said yes and added that in those sort of situations whats best for her is the correct answer but its good that she came to me.

Ive been big on direct, plain positive verbal reinforcement like that, although usually coupled with other forms of positive reinforcement. Is that within the realm of DEERing or is that only during shittests

[–]hack3ge 13 points14 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

If she’s coming to you in a respectful manner then it’s fine to give her guidance - good leaders do that.

I’ve found that if it’s a shit test then AA/AM work just fine and my actions require no explanation. If it’s a comfort test then it has been okay to verbalize some things with her and lead her towards what I expect in a relationship.

At the end of the day at some point you have to learn how to open your mouth and make noises from within your own frame.

[–]lipidsly 3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

At the end of the day at some point you have to learn how to open your mouth and make noises from within your own frame.

Yeah thats where ive been, letting her know why i make decisions or behave certain ways, but not putting it up for debate (especially when shes done something i dont like. “Heres what you did that was wrong and what was wrong with it. I wont tolerate this. Dont do it again”). However this post made me wonder if it was straight up that i shouldnt explain the mechanics of anything as a rule and it should “just be clear” or something

[–]Sepean[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

especially when shes done something i dont like. “Heres what you did that was wrong and what was wrong with it. I wont tolerate this. Dont do it again”

If she is firmly in your frame, instruction or explaining the context can make sense, sure.

But if she challenges your frame, you’re shooting yourself in the foot.

[–]lipidsly 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

she challenges your frame, you’re shooting yourself in the foot.

Gotcha. Yeah no these were more like “i disapprove of this behavior. I expect better from you” and she corrected herself immediately

[–]hack3ge 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It is important to set boundaries and you have two ways to do so - actions and words. I have found that actions are always more effective but once your wife is in your frame you can learn to be effective using words. Prior to my main event my wife wouldn't listen to shit so it was all actions but after that she has been more receptive to open, direct communication and will even do what your wife does and seek out my opinion or feedback. There are 100% still things that require me to take action such as removing my attention and presence but I tend to start with using words to these days, broken recording and then moving on to defending my boundaries through actions if needed.

Also, you can't really DEER her actions - in this case she isn't shit testing you about something you did, she is looking for guidance so it is okay to explain. If I do something and she asks about it usually I don't explain shit - I just broken record or AM and tell her that little girls don't need to be concerned with such things. Its rare that she questions me anymore - last time I can even think of was when I added another day of BJJ to my schedule so I was in the gym or training 7 days a week and she was like did you drop another day - "No", so you are going 7 days a week now - "Yep" and that was pretty much it.

[–]Sepean[S] 8 points9 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I wouldn't say it is only during shit tests, but sure there are plenty of times where you have an honest talk about stuff. And as you become more alpha, the scope expands - betas get shat on at every opportunity so they have a very hard time having a reasonable discussion about anything.

[–]A-Tryptophan 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

very logical i like it :)

[–]SteelSharpensSteel[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Bot. Banned.

[–]lipidsly 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I feel you. Just recently became explicitly aware of DEERing although id sort of figured it out on my own. Recently taken a more open approach, letting my girl understand why im doing what im doing on certain issues so she knows where Im at, not because its up for debate. So ive been wondering if that crosses the line, as i understood DEERing more as excuse making but it also makes sense as a “ehe doesnt like knowing why” sort of thing

[–]WeightsNCheatDates 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Was really wondering where the hell this was going and if it was just another lame attempt at a metaphor. But this spoke very true to me today- I needed to hear this. Solid post.

[–]useful_stranger 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hahahahaha nothing like a gory visual. Thanks.

Demonstrate, do not explicate.

[–]ginshee 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Holy shit. This was epic. Thanks for sharing. So I wonder -- what do we reveal to our women without dissecting ourselves for them?

[–]simbarlion 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

So my frame has to be a perky boob now.... Sheesh

[–]kehindebadejo 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

How many people were sucked in by the first two paragraphs? 😏

[–]boom_bostic 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good advice.

Oh and the visuals on this advice is great.

Thanks for taking the time to pass this along to us.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I witnessed this very thing last night. I went out to eat by myself. A couple sat next to me and for the next full hour, I don't think he shut the fuck up once. I could hear the sound of every drop of moisture in her body evaporate as she became steadily more and more visibly exhausted. That dude sincerely thought that his behavior was attractive to her and it was hard to watch.

[–]Smuggler-Tuek 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Shit. Yeah you’re probably right...

[–]Taipanshimshon 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ok but now I'm gonna have nightmares

[–]Normal_Doctor -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

ok retard

[–]GoodWillFunky -3 points-2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m glad I got to read the whole thing and not just the title because I was going to say: fuck just when I’m getting introduced to the bdsm thing, now this shit has evolved to a whole new level???. Wtf Dissecting tits? Ramsay Bolton kinda play. Great post though

[–]jazzsmells 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

What the Fuck

[–]Serge_Suppressor 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

It's amazing you think your pathological need to patronize and lecture your wife about how right you are and how wrong she is is somehow something she's doing to you.

I agree it's good to stop lecturing and overexplaining, but maybe a little self-awareness might help you avoid future conflict?

[–]Sepean[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

What are you talking about? My wife is rarely wrong, and when she is I don’t lecture her.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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