Boyfriend will go to a bachelor party in Amsterdam

vintagegirlgame · 2019-06-27T03:46:41+00:00

I think it’s important for men to have bonding experiences. There are not very many men-only spaces left in our culture so unfortunately the stereotypical bachelor party debauchery has taken on this roll. But the type of Bachelor party depends on the types of company men keep. What kind of man is your BF/the groom/the grooms friends? Bachelor parties can range from inappropriate stripper filled fiascos to relatively chill boy’s trips. What are his friends like and how do they like to party? What kind of influence do they have on him? What is on the travel agenda? Are they going to hit up the red light district or just smoke weed at cafes or trip out on mushrooms in art galleries?

You can express your concerns and ask for certain boundaries (be specific). He can either assure you that these boundaries will be respected or he can lie to you and just tell you what you want to hear (this is where trust comes in and you need to have vetted well). Or he can refuse to give you solid assurances which shows he does not care about you as much as you thought he did.

Also you are not alone. If you are in touch, check in with the bride or other girlfriends/wives of the friend group. I’m sure many of them have their own reservations/challenges with this kind of trip... it can help to get a perspective from them and how they are dealing with it.

organicsunshine · 2019-06-27T11:28:06+00:00

From my experience, bachelor parties are just men letting off steam and bonding with one another. The women are entertainment, not the goal of the evening. I personally, am not threatened by strippers or women flirting or shaking their butt in front of man. He has been ther/done that and chooses me every night. I think you are more jealous of him going to Amsterdam without you than what might or might not happen. I would support him on this trip but explain to him that an experience together to a new place would also help the two of you bond through new experiences and that is important to you, and come up with some reasonable suggestions.

teaandtalk · 2019-06-27T07:50:20+00:00

A couple of things:

If you feel like he doesn't want to take vacations together, or spend money on things with you, then communicate that. Though remember that you've been together a year, and he's most likely been friends with these people for much longer than that.
Have you adequately discussed your relationship's boundaries? What constitutes cheating? How would/do you feel about being in a relationship with a drug user?
Do you trust him? Do you think he's a man of integrity who will respect your relationship's exclusivity? Do you think his friends are the type to encourage him to do unacceptable things? Do you think he's likely to go along with it? Consider your answers carefully, with the idea of this man being your future husband/father of your children.

Those points are asides to your main question, of how to deal with it. In answer to that: you've communicated with him (that you don't like the idea of him going on the trip). It's up to him from here on. If you push it now, you're setting a bad precedent for your future relationship, in which your views are more important than his. Either accept his decision and be supportive/don't mention your concerns again, or break up.

classylassy28 · 2019-06-27T02:28:35+00:00

You need to set limits and boundaries in your relationship. Personally that trips a no go for me, I'd be breaking up (don't do it dramatically or guilt him tho, just be chill if you do and accepting). It would be the same as you going to a island filled with alpha Spanish guys filled with charm and charisma lol. All men do in Amsterdam is fuck hookers and do drugs.

A high value man would be going on a fishing trip or something better than a vacation that's not even about sightseeing just about partying and pussy.

So like I said. Pick what you will regect and what you will accept. Pretty simple. A man who is worth it would choose another option. He's 29, not 19.

unixygirl · 2019-06-30T19:08:55+00:00

Yes you should be okay with this.

Destination bachelor/ette parties are perfectly normal for couples getting married who are mid-upper class.

It sounds like your boyfriend is in a good place with his career or the people who he knows and him reinforcing those relationships is a positive thing for his life (and your’s should you two get married). Which if you do get married it would be reasonable to assume that the same group he’s going to go with to Amsterdam would also probably attend your wedding. Don’t mess that up.

I think the issue is also that we’ve never been on vacation together and that he won’t really take time off or spend money to do expensive things like that with me.

We can’t really comment on this unless we understand the finances here, but why are you so worried about going on vacations? Vacations and buying nice things is expensive.

Incoming presumptions below:

If you’re used to a certain lifestyle (you grew up doing these things with your upper class family) you maybe need to re-evaluate why you’re with a man who isn’t from your socioeconomic group? Otherwise if you just want these things because you spend too much time on IG and think you deserve it without having the income or personal wealth to afford it you’ve got a lot of growing up to do.

tl;dr Don’t worry about the Bachelor party. Talk about finances with your man, it seems like you’re in the dark here. If you do have as a couple strong income and solid finances maybe you can budget for future trips together.

Kara__El · 2019-06-27T14:01:17+00:00

> I've always thought that this kind of bachelor/bachelorette party were pretty trashy and that I wouldn't want to have for myself or my partner.

Well, it's a good thing this isn't for you or your partner. This is a friend's bachelor party. It's not about your boyfriend.

> I've told him that I didn't like the idea but that I wouldn't control him and tell him not to go.

I wouldn't mention your disapproval again. There is literally only one way to read this: insecurity and distrust. If you love him and see him as marriage material, you're going to have to hope he has the self-control to handle this.

> I think the issue is also that we've never been on vacation together and that he won't really take time off or spend money to do expensive things like that with me.

This is a completely separate issue to address another time. As for him spending the money now, he's likely known the bachelor a lot longer than he's known you.

Kaboomboomboomboom · 2019-06-27T07:25:11+00:00

I think it’s strange that you two haven’t gone on a trip together in the year you’re dating. A man in love generally wants experiences like that with his woman. Given the fact that he doesn’t see much harm in attending such an event, he doesn’t have what it takes to be a good man.

katsumii · 2019-06-27T00:39:07+00:00

Can't you voice your concerns to him? How long has he planned this? Why doesn't he bring you with him? How long will he be gone?

And yeah, if it's expensive and if he refuses to take you with him, I understand. You two have been together for a year. For his age, that may not be very long: he may not take the relationship very seriously at this time. But see if he will understand where you're coming from, too. Do your darnedest to hear him out, understand his perspective on the situation, and talk together like a team.

Maybe while he's gone, you can focus on yourself, self improvement and hobbies. You should be able to spend some time with yourself without your SO. But a year still sounds like a fresh relationship (I'm 29), so I can appreciate your concern.

Does it feel like he's abandoning you? Do you respect him any less for choosing a trashy bachelor party? Why is he comfortable still going despite knowing how you feel about it?

(Really sorry to barrage you with questions; your post appeared on my feed, and I figured I'd make a comment to help us help you, and help get your own brain cranking.)

nevomintoarce · 2019-06-27T11:23:16+00:00

Why are you so threatened by him going to spend time with the bros? The more controlling, standoffish, and upset you are about this, the more excited he will be to go. Jealousy creates a forbidden fruit and getting upset about this will only make that sweeter.

If you want to go on a vacation with him, tell him you want to go on a vacation with him. Tease him and ask him when he's marrying his Buddy.

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