How do you learn how to flirt? (Starting from square 1....)

WesternDoughnut · 2019-07-22T05:25:40+00:00

I'M INTJ myself and I know your pain. First you need to remember that getting started is hard, you will make some mistakes that will make you laugh years later and this is fine. It's like riding a bike, you need to fall few times before you get comfortable. Advice from your friend is good, but makes no sense to you, because as you said, INTJs don't really like touching other people. She also said don't force yourself, you will know it. The thing is, if you knew it, you wouldn't ask for help right? You will actually have to force yourself to touch other people before you get comfortable with it. For example, is you sit near guy you like, get closer so your legs will touch for a while. This will feel unnatural at start. If he is Talking to you in loud place, get closer so your arms will touch. This is very basic, but this is how I got more comfortable with touch in general. When it comes to flirting, I watched other people and copied it before it got natural. Examples: You see girl Talking with a guy and swearing a lot, he is repulsed. Okay, do less of that. You see girl Talking to a guy, smiling and playing with her hair, he can't get his eyes off her. Good, do more of that. This simple algorithm allows computers to immitate other people, and eventually become like them. Hope that helped, don't sweat too much, this thing should be fun in the first place.

Lakeshore9999 · 2019-07-22T07:28:34+00:00

What is the goal with flirting? To get asked out? To have men approach you? All you really need to do is put effort into your appearance, make eye contact, and flash a bright smile before coyly looking down (almost like the eye contact is making you sort of bashful). Maybe do it a couple of times. A man who is attracted to you will see at that point you are sending signals of being warm, open, potentially interested, and are not so haughty that you are intimidating. Chances are he will approach you and flirt with you if he has self confidence and is on the market. Even since hitting "the wall", this is all it takes for men to talk to me (even if I am not actually attempting to flirt). I have a great face and have well balanced hour glass proportions. I have long hair, am tall, and typically dress in very feminine styles. I have been told many times I would have model tier looks if I were thin, but I am quite fat. The Red Pill says that automatically will make me unattractive to most guys of value, and yet I still have never had to put a lot of effort into flirting for guys to approach me even with the excess fat. (I am currently married.) Look feminine, make eye contact, and smile brightly. Seriously, I think you are overthinking this. Too much strong flirting sends the message you might be open for sex instead of just a date, so probably better to not flirt provocatively to get a date.

fersurrre · 2019-07-22T06:09:08+00:00

I found this ted talk super helpful. as goofy as it sounds, the hotape thing was a pretty useful set of rules to stick to for me personally bc I have such a difficulty time catching onto social cues. I like having a formula to go by. hope this helps :)

https://youtu.be/5cQoGNEcc5Q

WillMeatLover · 2019-07-22T13:28:31+00:00

Getting advice from naturals is almost always incredibly annoying because, as you say, they will be incapable of explaining things except by saying, "You'll just know." or "It's natural" and so on.

The only other thing I will say is that I once had a girlfriend who would randomly rub moisturizer on my arms when we were idle. It was essentially just an excuse to caress/touch me. E.g. we would be sitting in the food court in the mall chatting and she would get out some moisturizer. She would apply some on herself and then just take my arms 1 by 1 and do the same thing.

I would also say that just because someone points something out as "out of the ordinary" that is not the same as being "bad". A lot of the norm sucks and a lot of people are unhappy with their expected experiences and their "basic" interactions. As an unfiltered retard, I remember commenting on my gf's behaviour the first time she did this. Being a strong feminine woman, she smiled cheekily and just said that my skin was dry because I never moisturized it. I accepted this pov, whether it was real or not, because it felt nice and I didn't really care.

I also never started applying moisturizer for myself or something.

I can't really say whether or not this was a "move" on her part or if it was just a random thing that she did, but you're post reminded me of it and whether or not it was a move for my gf, it seems like the sort of thing you need to add to your pretend-to-be-human arsenal. Good luck.

[deleted] · 2019-07-22T13:51:37+00:00

My biggest flirtation is a big smile. I notice it usually makes men kind of nervous (in a good way.)

I don't do a dumb loud obnoxious laugh, but a small giggle and a big grin usually gets the job done for me. Huge ego stroker without being obnoxious or fakey. :)

carry2388 · 2019-07-22T16:10:24+00:00

I don’t follow any of those rules. I’m naturally pretty shy and childlike so I find that not saying much and being polite and smiling is how I go about flirting, without really trying.

I don’t feel comfortable touching a stranger and I don’t like it when I get touched by men that I don’t know, even if there is some flirting going on.

I think your interest in him will be reflected in your body language.

deyeeted · 2019-07-25T06:35:46+00:00

A lot of us guys can’t detect subtil cues until long after they are done, and even then we may interpret them as just being nice or perhaps we brush it off as a person who likes to touch people to connect with them socially

When I know that someone is flirting is a direct “I like you” or “I like (that) about you.” A lot of us are just happy to find another human being who likes anything about us at all! Theh will be more alert for future signs of flirting after this. At least that’s the way I seem to work :P

phoenix_shm · 2019-07-22T06:38:48+00:00

Really good discussion on a genuine issue many have. I totally resist "primal instincts" on physical urges... I'm sure it's a mix of nature and nurture. I guess, though, if I'm able to be more comfortable (skilled, even) with being physical, then the hesitation and concern will just melt away because I will know how to handle myself in the number of situations... Hhmmm...

ldnborda · 2019-07-22T11:08:30+00:00

A good time to touch him is when he makes a joke. Lil pat on the arm as you laugh or even a squeeze. Or if youre both walking down the street and you want to change direction or stop for a second, dont tell him, just guide him with a nudge and act like you’re not doing it.

Ravenscar7 · 2019-07-22T11:22:10+00:00

Women don't need to learn how to flirt, just like you don't need to be funny to be attractive. We know you're attractive, thanks.

Remember men are dumb. If you acknowledge a man's existence and talk to him most are dumb enough to think that's flirting.

FluffyLlamaPants · 2019-07-25T16:44:20+00:00

Personally, I avoid touching people in general myself, especially when flirting. I find touching to be far too intimate gesture ( any intentional touching). Plus, I feel like there's just way too much chance that can be misinterpreted and make a flirty situation become awkward.

What worked for me in the past with receptive men ( those that already gave me a que that they are interested):

good- natured teasing. Be extremely careful with this one. Nothing ruins a good teasing flirtation than accidentally offending the man. Gauge his reaction closely to see if you should escalate further or drop this strategy.
playfully and subtelly overemphasizing his masculine qualities while doing the same with your feminine ones.
compliment him, frankly and simply. Men rarely get complimented on simplest of things. Just be genuine about it.
a warm and genuine smile, open, inviting posture, some light hair tossing, and a few well-placed giggles.
nothing wrong with asking him out too. But flirting is a wonderful, beautiful dance, that is worth learning. 😊

aussiedollface2 · 2019-07-29T22:50:32+00:00

I personally feel that good flirting is different for men and women. I’m married now lol, but I consider feminine flirting to being “receptive” rather than overt. I don’t think touching men you don’t really know is a good idea ever! I think being cute and coy, being a great listener and responsive to what they’re saying, is far better and more effective than proactive flirting which I consider more masculine. Laugh at their jokes, give a nice smile, just simple small things like that. xo

loneliness-inc · 2019-07-22T15:25:49+00:00

I don't feel any desire to touch anybody....

This is very concerning in its own right.

If you have no desire to touch anyone, how will you have an ongoing, affectionate, sexual relationship?